Spouses/SO's teaching each other lessons inspired by Shelbyjosh's thread

[helenabear]

My kind of couple!!!!

My kind of couple too ​

 

[pearlieq]

LOL, this is off topic, but do people really serve their spouses dinner already plated for them? Like a restaurant? We serve ourselves after all of the food is placed on the table. You know...like ''please pass the peas, gravy, etc''. Maybe this is a regional thing....?

I usually pre-plate it. It's easier than hauling everything to the table, but I usually only cook enough for what we need, so for most things there aren't seconds, you just get your portion.

 

[jgmklmhem]

I don't think you guys are being honest with yourselves. Any time you have a negative consequence for a negative action that is in a way teaching a someone a lesson. Granted my plate example may seem a bit overboard (by the way I have a sense of humor and got her point and was neither embarassed or disrespected) and shelbyjosh's is borderline abuse....but anytime a negative consequence is used to get at a negative behavior you are in fact trying to "teach a lesson." So none of you never give out negative consequences for negative actions. Giving the classic sitcom example. Husband pisses off wife and has to sleep on the couch....so that in no incarnation has ever happened in any of your relationships?

As for serving food...most of the time we make our own plates but sometimes one person does the plates the other the drinks...the kids etc. As for chores we don't have set ones other than whoever cooks doesn't do the dishes.

 

[SherryNC]

That's the way to do it.

 

[Crankyshank]

I'm being perfectly honest. Why waste time on p/a manipulations when nagging and yelling work just fine? I have enough trouble remembering basic things - how am I supposed to remember a drawn out grudge and punishment?

 

[poohandwendy]

I don't think you guys are being honest with yourselves. Any time you have a negative consequence for a negative action that is in a way teaching a someone a lesson.

Ah, but the difference is in the delivery and the mindset....which is crucial.

Of course there are negative consequences to negative behavior. But I think 'teaching someone a lesson' is quite different than expressing anger or disappointment.

Also, the example you give and shelbyjoshes example have one thing in common. Using aggressive and passive agressive tactics rather than dialog to problem solve. That is the type of 'lesson giving' that I disagree with.

Adults shouldn't have to resort to tactics with each other to get their point across, IMO.

 

[helenabear]

I didn't really reply, but no, I don't "teach my husband a lesson" I have learned the fine art of nagging. I am not one to shut my mouth... if I want something done, I nag until it gets done or I do it myself and then inform my husband about how unhappy I am.

Call me crazy but it "works" for us. He hates to be nagged, so he gets things done. Not proud of being a nag, but I couldn't imagine doing something so backhanded as "teaching a lesson" with him. It's kind of childish to me, and I hate playing games.

 

[jgmklmhem]

I'm being perfectly honest. Why waste time on p/a manipulations when nagging and yelling work just fine? I have enough trouble remembering basic things - how am I supposed to remember a drawn out grudge and punishment?

In my example it was over say 3 days so definately not drawn out. Believe me her dirty plate point made more of an impact than any shouting match would have. And even in my opinion having a shouting match is still in some way "teaching a lesson" If I do whatever stupid thing again I know I am gonna have to endure a shouting match soooooooo maybe I won't do whatever even if I think it is right but my wife thinks it is wrong (shouting match being the negative consequence).

 

[Crankyshank]

I didn't really reply, but no, I don't "teach my husband a lesson" I have learned the fine art of nagging. I am not one to shut my mouth... if I want something done, I nag until it gets done or I do it myself and then inform my husband about how unhappy I am.

Call me crazy but it "works" for us. He hates to be nagged, so he gets things done. Not proud of being a nag, but I couldn't imagine doing something so backhanded as "teaching a lesson" with him. It's kind of childish to me, and I hate playing games.

I've perfected the fine art of the nag as well. We all have tricks up our sleeves in order to get our spouses to do something. I learned the best way to get DH to do something if I get tired of nagging is to ask twice and then start to do it myself. He knows I'll be very vocal about having to do it myself so he'll run out and take over for me. His mother taught me that trick

 

[ChibiJones]

jgmklmhem,

I respectfully completely disagree.
I do not teach my Dh lessons nor does he teach me lessons. We are upfront and honest with each other. Sure we may disagree on things - as do all couples - but we keep it all out in the open.

In a marriage, you should be equal, mature, respectful, and loving adults who have chosen to be together. There is no room in a marriage for one person to act as the "parent."

This is how we are too. We have been together 10 years now, and we have never had a screaming fight. We discuss our issues like adults without passive-agressiveness or we joke about them. Being so open with each other gives us strength to get through the tough times that all couples have at some point.

 

[wvjules]

OT again: but there were dirty dishes left in the sink for 3 days???????

nevermind, i just read where she ended up doing all but one herself.

 

[jgmklmhem]

I didn't really reply, but no, I don't "teach my husband a lesson" I have learned the fine art of nagging. I am not one to shut my mouth... if I want something done, I nag until it gets done or I do it myself and then inform my husband about how unhappy I am.

Call me crazy but it "works" for us. He hates to be nagged, so he gets things done. Not proud of being a nag, but I couldn't imagine doing something so backhanded as "teaching a lesson" with him. It's kind of childish to me, and I hate playing games.

but see I see nagging as being essentially the same thing. Instead of being passive/agressive...I see it as being agressive and even more agressive. He now knows that if I don't do what she wants I will have to endure endless nagging. Thus a lesson has been taught.

 

[Crankyshank]

In my example it was over say 3 days so definately not drawn out. Believe me her dirty plate point made more of an impact than any shouting match would have. And even in my opinion having a shouting match is still in some way "teaching a lesson" If I do whatever stupid thing again I know I am gonna have to endure a shouting match soooooooo maybe I won't do whatever even if I think it is right but my wife thinks it is wrong (shouting match being the negative consequence).

3 days is a drawn out grudge. If you piss me off, I tell you and that's that. I don't see the point in holding grudges.
How on earth is voicing my displeasure a "lesson being taught" ? By that then any negative interraction between spouses is a lesson. Your example is completely passive aggressive and completely different from what i do which is coming out and telling him that I'm not his maid so he better pick up his socks.

 

[poohandwendy]

Just to clarify, it is the one person being the superior and one being the inferior in 'teaching a lesson', that I disagree with. That is condescending and has no place in an adult relationship...so one is forgetful? Big deal. Work on a solution, together. Isn't your spouse supposed to be supportive and helpful, rather than comdemning and superior?

 

[helenabear]

but see I see nagging as being essentially the same thing. Instead of being passive/agressive...I see it as being agressive and even more agressive. He now knows that if I don't do what she wants I will have to endure endless nagging. Thus a lesson has been taught.

Sorry, not the same to me

Passive/agressive is just a PC way, IMO, of saying you are playing mind games. I am NOT about to play games with someone. If I am unhappy, I *tell* him! He'd be far far more furious if I were doing something like giving him a dirty dish for dinner just to "get him". Revenge isn't pretty in my mind, and playing passive/agressive games is too close to revenge for my comfort.

I prefer talkign and communicating... and if my talking turns to nagging when he doesn't listen, then so be it! I also have the same rule... ask twice and then I do it myself. Then he hears how unhappy I've gotten and he will remember (because honestly, he hates me being unhappy)! He isn't "taught" a thing, but he figures out on his own w/o me pushing him with a game what he can improve upon! This works for me in all aspects and trust me, it isn't always nagging. But telling him once or twice usually works in teh first place.

I don't call talking (and honestly what he calls nagging, and I don't ) as agressive/agressive, I call it straightforward and honest. No hidden agendas or games.

 

[jgmklmhem]

3 days is a drawn out grudge. If you piss me off, I tell you and that's that. I don't see the point in holding grudges.
How on earth is voicing my displeasure a "lesson being taught" ? By that then any negative interraction between spouses is a lesson. Your example is completely passive aggressive and completely different from what i do which is coming out and telling him that I'm not his maid so he better pick up his socks.

So in other words he better just do as you say......or what...what would be the consequence of his not picking up his socks. Voicing displeasure is one thing but if there are negative consequences to not coming around to your point of view on the matter then I see it as trying to teach a lesson....meaing if you don't do what I say in this regard there will be consequences.

I don't necessarily agree that passive-agressive is always bad. If it were an everyday occurence maybe but in rare occasions I see it as effective.

 

[Disney Doll]

Everyone handles their life and their marriage their own way, but I have to tell you that if my spouse ever attempted to "teach" me a lesson...he'd get a quick lesson in what happens when you tick off the wife!

 

[aprincessmom]

meaing if you don't do what I say in this regard there will be consequences.

This is the method I used with my DD when she was a toddler. I would never dream of treating a grown adult, married or not, in that same manner because they, like she, is old enough now to accept the consequences of their actions.

 

[CEDmom]

I can tell you one thing, the quickest way I can ensure my DH WON'T do something is to nag and/or belittle him.

 

[cats7494]

Yes, I am being honest with myself. We don't play games in our household.

Of course there are times when something does not get done but we have enough respect and faith in each other to know that it will be done!
We don't manipulate or play games.