Spouse's FB comments - inappropriate?

[Tiger926]

Rough day


I know we all have different ways of dealing with this kind of thing but I would rather chew glass than confront a woman who was trying to snag my DH. I figure if she can get him she can have him. How I would choose to deal with him is a different story

Years ago we were at a bar after attending a wedding. A woman sitting with us felt the need to point out that some girl was trying to gain Buddy's attention and was shocked when I shrugged my shoulders. I told her that the relationship I shared with him was between the two of us. If he chose to stray he was going to be history and he knew it. I refused to blame anyone else for his behavior.

In the OP situation I am not sure what I would do. I think that if the husband is fooling around, flirting, whatever.....how would confronting the woman make a difference. He needs to manage his own behavior and how he responds to friends, not just on FB but everywhere. So OP chases this one away is this going to be her new role? Because if this is not innocent there will be another one, and another and another. Until the OP makes the husband understand that she is worth more than this and that all of the attention that the husband seems to need is causing more pain than he is worth.


I believe that if the Op is hurt by this that should be enough for her husband to make some changes. IMO it is all on him.

I never got the whole 'confront the other woman' thing. She doesn't owe you a thing and most likely could not only not care less she may get a thrill from the drama.

Buckalew- I agree with you, the husband is trying to smooth this over by laying all of the responsibility on the other woman. I think that he may have been flattered by the attention, got into the drama of it all but once caught he is squirming and instead of coming clean he chose to lie. I am getting a little mad for the OP. It seems that the DH is taking advantage of the fact that she wants to trust him

I have a disclaimer. In his heyday DH stopped traffic, he is one attractive man. As his cousin told me he was no slouch . He would go out with the boys and women gravitated to him. I told him that he needed to be cognizant of his actions, words and gestures because I was not a woman who wanted a gynormous lighthouse, I wanted a pilot light. He knew that I understood if women approached him but if he wanted me in his life he better make sure no one questioned his status. I decided early on that I would never be in a relationship if I needed to "fight" for my partner and Buddy understood that.

I think that the issue the OP has is is value in this relationship. She has value and her Dh needs to know that if his behavior in any environment compromises how she feels then he needs to rethink how he impacted that. Oh my goodness...I am mad for her!

I totally agree with this!

I understand why the OP is angry. . .but this woman is not the problem. OP needs to take a serious look at her marriage. Married men and women go looking for attention outside of their marriage for one reason only. . .their emotional needs are not being met within the marriage. I'm not saying that it's the OPs fault. . .maybe it's just DH's problem. But regardless, it's between OP and DH.

OP, you can put out this fire. .and as many other that come up, but it won't solve anything. The world is full of unlimited people to flirt with. You need to get to the bottom of why your DH is unhappy. Playing poke police on FB will do nothing more than alienate your spouse more.

ITA! I would never confront another woman. If she knows that the man is married, then she already knows that she shouldn't be doing anything to compromise his marriage. Confronting would just add to the drama, and would probably be a high for that woman. If they are all friends, she knows OP's husband is married, yet that isn't stopping her.

She doesn't have to be responsible for the OP and hubby's marriage, they both do. If hubby had never engaged her in the first place, the OP would not be in this place to begin with.

Adults prove time and time again, that they are immature, and consequently, make bad choices, so in this respect, OP's hubby's immaturity has caused her problems, but they are their problems to deal with. Confronting that woman will do nothing but cause more problems, IMHO.

I wish OP the best in dealing with this difficult situation, but she does need to remember that Facebook is just a tool. Hubby has proven a track record of this type of behaviour, so he may do it again, in a different manner...I hope not, but she needs to be prepared for that down the road.

Tiger

 

[sparklynails23]

I know we all have different ways of dealing with this kind of thing but I would rather chew glass than confront a woman who was trying to snag my DH. I figure if she can get him she can have him. How I would choose to deal with him is a different story

If I were dating or childless, I'm with you. Let the chips fall where they may, but when my family is in jeopardy, I'm going to nip a "flirtation" in the bud.

I'm considering the result that the OP wants. She could end this thing right now by causing this woman personal shame. The woman thinks she can poke and flirt with a married man with no consequences. When she has consequences, she will think twice. The husband is already facing his wife's suspicion, hurt, and anger.

These situations have occurred on the DIS with mixed results. It's never pretty.

 

[luvmy3]

I never got the whole 'confront the other woman' thing. She doesn't owe you a thing and most likely could not only not care less she may get a thrill from the drama.

I was thinking the same thing, she knows he is married, she may get thrills on the fact that the wife needs to confront her. The dh should tell her he is through with her and defriend her so she gets the message. If she only hears "stop" from the wife then she'll most likely assume the dh doesn't really want her to stop.

 

[Tiger926]

If I were dating or childless, I'm with you. Let the chips fall where they may, but when my family is in jeopardy, I'm going to nip a "flirtation" in the bud.

I'm considering the result that the OP wants. She could end this thing right now by causing this woman personal shame. The woman thinks she can poke and flirt with a married man with no consequences. When she has consequences, she will think twice. The husband is already facing his wife's suspicion, hurt, and anger.

These situations have occurred on the DIS with mixed results. It's never pretty.

But if she confronts her, it's the wife taking care of business. A business that she didn't start. It needs to come from the husband, and the OP then needs to monitor that with her husband to make sure he has done exactly what she has asked of him. If the wife goes and handles business, it doesn't teach the husband anything, and once again, a woman is cleaning up a mess that she didn't make in the first place.

I totally get that she probably doesn't trust her husband, but she needs to have a bit of trust that he actually wants to stop the relationship, and he then needs to show her that with his actions. Her actions aren't going to take care of the problem, and would more than likely only make it worse at this point. This is a good test for both of them...but the OP is in control now, so she holds the cards, but only in respect to Facebook. If her husband is able to actually confront the other woman and put a stop to it, it would go a long way in showing the OP that he is trying to fix the problem.

I was thinking the same thing, she knows he is married, she may get thrills on the fact that the wife needs to confront her. The dh should tell her he is through with her and defriend her so she gets the message. If she only hears "stop" from the wife then she'll most likely assume the dh doesn't really want her to stop.

Exactly!

Tiger

 

[Acklander]

I completely disagree. If someone wants to flirt, or to cheat, they are going to make it happen whether they have a free social networking site or not. Sure, it may make it easier, but it isn't the root cause. The root cause is the person. And that person's desire to cheat and follow through will most likely happen no matter whther they have FB or not.

True. By nature, I'm a bit of a flirt. I've always been like that and DH has always known it. I've flirted before facebook, and have flirted before the invention of the home computer. I've flirted when I was in school, at parties, at work, at football games, at the bowling alley, and yes - even on facebook.

OP - the conversation wouldn't have bothered me, because to me it represents harmless flirting (with which I am comfortable with). To you, it represents something else. You and your DH need to deal with a resolution that your BOTH comfortable with.

 

[usnuzuloose]

This is why either being the husband or the wife you dont friend the opposite sex. This will lead to other things. If this continues it could get very ugly. Does your husband want to hurt you and possibly destore a marriage?

 

[Nancyg56]

If I were dating or childless, I'm with you. Let the chips fall where they may, but when my family is in jeopardy, I'm going to nip a "flirtation" in the bud.

I would nip the flirtation but I would be nipping my husband and letting the woman figure it all out herself. I figure he then would make the necessary changes or not. After that I would decide what next.

I protect my family but I cannot see how confronting a woman my DH was flirting with is going to change my husband. How many women would i need to be challenging before my children got wind that it is okay for a man to engage in behavior that hurts his wife with minimal consequences besides an argument and an ugly confrontation with other women.

This is why either being the husband or the wife you dont friend the opposite sex. This will lead to other things. If this continues it could get very ugly. Does your husband want to hurt you and possibly destore a marriage?

I have friends of the opposite sex and my husband has nothing to worry about. Our marriage is safe. My DH is not on FB but he has female friends and I do not worry about them I am secure in our marriage. Neither of wears a wedding band and yet my DH has said that all one needs to do is take one look at him and they will see "married man" all over him.

 

[IDoDis]

I would nip the flirtation but I would be nipping my husband and letting the woman figure it all out herself. I figure he then would make the necessary changes or not. After that I would decide what next.

I protect my family but I cannot see how confronting a woman my DH was flirting with is going to change my husband. How many women would i need to be challenging before my children got wind that it is okay for a man to engage in behavior that hurts his wife with minimal consequences besides an argument and an ugly confrontation with other women.

I agree! Sounds like the OP's DH continues to lie to her -- now with the poking. How can she ever trust him? The OP says he's being transparent, but yet he continues to lie to her. From here on out, I could not believe a word this many says. When trust is gone, what else do you have??

Also, after reading a different post from this PP, I do agree that ending this "friendship" on fb will not sole the OP's problem. There will be more women down the road. OP wants to believe her DH"s excuses, but quite frankly, the man is a liar, even after he's been caught. Maybe he hasn't done any physical cheating yet, but he's left the door wide open for that to happen.

OP, don't give your husband excuses by saying he likes the attention. Sure, he LOVES the attention and loves that you are feeling jealous, but that hurts you which says volumes about how he shows his love towards you.

 

[lillygator]

DH has a tendency to be friends with women more so than with men. I had major problems with it during the first years of our marriage but as our DS got older, I learned that some guys are just like that. DS is the same way. He has totally platonic relationships with several girls his age. So I have tried not to let this bother me.

However, during those first few rough years, DH (by his own admission) let one of those friendships go too far. He claims that it was never a physical relationship - only that he let the emotions go where they should not have. However, he very definitely had the opportunity to cheat at that time. There were also rumors about him and another woman at about that time. I have never been sure if he was truthful about how far that "inappropriate friendship" went.

Now, he has once again taken a relationship with another woman further than I think appropriate and lied about deleting the evidence. So, as far as "other activity" - I'm not sure what to think at this point.

I think that sums it up.

Maybe you should have posted--- Used Car for Sale....

 

[Disney Doll]

There's a trust issue.
The DH's behavior isn't helping.
Nor, does it seem, is it changing event though it sounds like he is very well aware that it is a problem for the OP.

You don't have a FB problem, you have a husband problem.

Confronting another woman? Nah...not my style...she didn't force him to do anything. She's just responding to his lead, quite frankly. Should she be decent and leave a married man alone? Sure she should but every woman isn't decent and in the end, he's the one who took the vows, so he bears the responsibilty of protecting them.

The problem is him & his inability to be trustworthy, especially after you 2 already having had trust issues...

He gave you all his passwords? Big deal...he could have 25 other FB accounts in 25 different aliases....I'm going to guess he has at least one other one for his "galpals" that ...oops...he will say that he "forgot" to give you when he gave you the rest.

If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck.

Start getting your financial act together, get an idea of what you have, make some copies of paperwork etc., old income tax returns, credit card bills, savings accounts, retirement accounts etc. Good info to have.

A leopard doesn't change his spots.

 

[PrincessBelle09]

You don't have a FB problem, you have a husband problem.

Yep.

 

[lillygator]

Doesn't seem like that serious of an offense to me.

interesting post.....

 

[lillygator]

in what sense? I don't really think what DH posted was that serious. It's not as if he said, "meet me at the Ritz at 9, don't tell anyone."

as an 11th post!

 

[EclecticWAHM]

This is why either being the husband or the wife you dont friend the opposite sex. This will lead to other things. If this continues it could get very ugly. Does your husband want to hurt you and possibly destore a marriage?

Now that's just silly. People can be friends with the opposite sex without any trouble at all. "This will lead to other things" is only an issue if you're dealing with untrustworthy people. If someone can't be trusted being friends with the opposite sex, that person shouldn't be married AT ALL. Normal, sane people can have perfectly good friendships with members of the opposite sex that don't include drama and misbehaving.