Spouse's FB comments - inappropriate?

[luvmy3]

Not sure why this has turned into a facebook debate. The OP came here looking for advice.

Facebook is an outlet, not an excuse.

When people blame social media for a person's indiscretion, I see it as a cop-out. Whatever happened to personal responsibility? It's like excusing a theft by saying a store shouldn't leave their merchandise out on the shelves because it's just asking for someone to come along and take it. It's ridiculous.

Social media isn't to blame. The OP's hubby USED that site to make some inappropriate comments and then lied about what happened. That's not facebook, that is all him.

Love that analogy.

 

[Mama-san]

OP, I would be suspicious, too, with his history. Sorry you're having to go through this. Many 's.

SC

 

[Angelhalo]

These flirtations would not be happening if boundaryless social networks were not in place.

I completely disagree. If someone wants to flirt, or to cheat, they are going to make it happen whether they have a free social networking site or not. Sure, it may make it easier, but it isn't the root cause. The root cause is the person. And that person's desire to cheat and follow through will most likely happen no matter whther they have FB or not.

 

[undecided101]

Well, I'm back. We've just spent a very long day basically having it out over this whole issue. I've learned more as the day has gone on - some good, some that doesn't look so good.

I have asked for complete transparency (as much as that is possible these days) until I have regained a certain amount of trust. DH has agreed to this. He gave me his log-in names and passwords for email and FB and I have spent a good portion of the day looking through those accounts. Interestingly enough, the woman who I felt had become a little too friendly has been poking husband on FB (ok, I know that sounds naughty but those of you who do FB know what I mean.) Normally I wouldn't think anything of this. Lots of people he is friends with on there do that. But looking back thru his email notifications of activity on FB, I found that she had been doing this 15 to 20 times a day, everyday, all this past week. Somebody needs to get a life. He said that he wasn't aware that she was doing it that often. The people I'm friends with don't do this a lot so I have no idea if it's something that would show up on his FB page repeatedly or not. And the email account this showed up in was not one that he uses very often so he had not seen all those notifications from FB. So I suppose it's possible that he wasn't aware she had been contacting him that often.

I also reactivated his FB account and have been going thru it. This allowed me not only to see more of what he has been up to, I was also able to go to the FB page of his little female friend and investigate her a little bit too. I was not impressed. My DH isn't the only one she has questionable conversations with on FB. He also volunteered the information that he asked her to friend me and wasn't aware that she had never done so. That and the whole poking thing may speak volumes about her, I think.


So I think that's it for now. We've agreed to some other things that we both think will help with the trust issue. Nothing terribly interesting on that so I won't bore you with the details. But I did want to come back and post an update and thank everyone again for their input and advice. You guys are great.

 

[Cinderella94]

Well, I'm back. We've just spent a very long day basically having it out over this whole issue. I've learned more as the day has gone on - some good, some that doesn't look so good.

I have asked for complete transparency (as much as that is possible these days) until I have regained a certain amount of trust. DH has agreed to this. He gave me his log-in names and passwords for email and FB and I have spent a good portion of the day looking through those accounts. Interestingly enough, the woman who I felt had become a little too friendly has been poking husband on FB (ok, I know that sounds naughty but those of you who do FB know what I mean.) Normally I wouldn't think anything of this. Lots of people he is friends with on there do that. But looking back thru his email notifications of activity on FB, I found that she had been doing this 15 to 20 times a day, everyday, all this past week. Somebody needs to get a life. He said that he wasn't aware that she was doing it that often. The people I'm friends with don't do this a lot so I have no idea if it's something that would show up on his FB page repeatedly or not. And the email account this showed up in was not one that he uses very often so he had not seen all those notifications from FB. So I suppose it's possible that he wasn't aware she had been contacting him that often.

I also reactivated his FB account and have been going thru it. This allowed me not only to see more of what he has been up to, I was also able to go to the FB page of his little female friend and investigate her a little bit too. I was not impressed. My DH isn't the only one she has questionable conversations with on FB. He also volunteered the information that he asked her to friend me and wasn't aware that she had never done so. That and the whole poking thing may speak volumes about her, I think.


So I think that's it for now. We've agreed to some other things that we both think will help with the trust issue. Nothing terribly interesting on that so I won't bore you with the details. But I did want to come back and post an update and thank everyone again for their input and advice. You guys are great.

Just wanted to touch on the poking issue--you can't poke someone again until they either A) poke you back, or B) press the "x" next to the poke and remove it. Facebook won't let you poke someone repeatedly without response from the person inbetween pokes. So for her to do it multiple times a day, he had to have known and been doing one of the two (poke back, or remove).

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but it's good that you talked about it.

 

[Uncle Remus]

Just wanted to touch on the poking issue--you can't poke someone again until they either A) poke you back, or B) press the "x" next to the poke and remove it. Facebook won't let you poke someone repeatedly without response from the person inbetween pokes. So for her to do it multiple times a day, he had to have known and been doing one of the two (poke back, or remove).

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but it's good that you talked about it.

Oh no.

 

[ckret01]

Just wanted to touch on the poking issue--you can't poke someone again until they either A) poke you back, or B) press the "x" next to the poke and remove it. Facebook won't let you poke someone repeatedly without response from the person inbetween pokes. So for her to do it multiple times a day, he had to have known and been doing one of the two (poke back, or remove).

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but it's good that you talked about it.

I was going to say the same exact thing but couldn't word it properly without being confusing

 

[Cinderella94]

I was going to say the same exact thing but couldn't word it properly without being confusing

I had to edit it a few times and add things for clarity!

 

[sparklynails23]

You need to confront her, and he needs to de-friend her.

 

[Goofyluver]

Well, I'm back. We've just spent a very long day basically having it out over this whole issue. I've learned more as the day has gone on - some good, some that doesn't look so good.

I have asked for complete transparency (as much as that is possible these days) until I have regained a certain amount of trust. DH has agreed to this. He gave me his log-in names and passwords for email and FB and I have spent a good portion of the day looking through those accounts. Interestingly enough, the woman who I felt had become a little too friendly has been poking husband on FB (ok, I know that sounds naughty but those of you who do FB know what I mean.) Normally I wouldn't think anything of this. Lots of people he is friends with on there do that. But looking back thru his email notifications of activity on FB, I found that she had been doing this 15 to 20 times a day, everyday, all this past week. Somebody needs to get a life. He said that he wasn't aware that she was doing it that often. The people I'm friends with don't do this a lot so I have no idea if it's something that would show up on his FB page repeatedly or not. And the email account this showed up in was not one that he uses very often so he had not seen all those notifications from FB. So I suppose it's possible that he wasn't aware she had been contacting him that often.

I also reactivated his FB account and have been going thru it. This allowed me not only to see more of what he has been up to, I was also able to go to the FB page of his little female friend and investigate her a little bit too. I was not impressed. My DH isn't the only one she has questionable conversations with on FB. He also volunteered the information that he asked her to friend me and wasn't aware that she had never done so. That and the whole poking thing may speak volumes about her, I think.


So I think that's it for now. We've agreed to some other things that we both think will help with the trust issue. Nothing terribly interesting on that so I won't bore you with the details. But I did want to come back and post an update and thank everyone again for their input and advice. You guys are great.

Just wanted to touch on the poking issue--you can't poke someone again until they either A) poke you back, or B) press the "x" next to the poke and remove it. Facebook won't let you poke someone repeatedly without response from the person inbetween pokes. So for her to do it multiple times a day, he had to have known and been doing one of the two (poke back, or remove).

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but it's good that you talked about it.

Uhhhh, yea. If she's a poker, he's a poker too.

 

[undecided101]

Just wanted to touch on the poking issue--you can't poke someone again until they either A) poke you back, or B) press the "x" next to the poke and remove it. Facebook won't let you poke someone repeatedly without response from the person inbetween pokes. So for her to do it multiple times a day, he had to have known and been doing one of the two (poke back, or remove).

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but it's good that you talked about it.

Yep, I just figured that out. He and I have gotten into a game of poking one another before so I know that it can be easy to lose track of just how many times you've done it. But me thinks this is a bit excessive and that "someone" (namely my DH) was enjoying the attention a bit too much.

As a sidenote, I have control of his FB account now so we'll see if this sort of thing continues. She may be in for quite a surprise when I respond instead of DH.

 

[Uncle Remus]

Uhhhh, yea. If she's a poker, he's a poker too.

The OP is gonna poke somebody soon.

 

[Cinderella94]

You need to confront her, and he needs to de-friend her.

Great idea. Even if she truly is harmless (...ehhhh...), her FB friendship with him is not good for your marriage and your DH should obviously put that as his first priority.

Uhhhh, yea. If she's a poker, he's a poker too.

Much more concise way of saying it .

 

[Nancyg56]

Well, I'm back. We've just spent a very long day basically having it out over this whole issue. I've learned more as the day has gone on - some good, some that doesn't look so good.

Rough day

You need to confront her, and he needs to de-friend her.

I know we all have different ways of dealing with this kind of thing but I would rather chew glass than confront a woman who was trying to snag my DH. I figure if she can get him she can have him. How I would choose to deal with him is a different story

Years ago we were at a bar after attending a wedding. A woman sitting with us felt the need to point out that some girl was trying to gain Buddy's attention and was shocked when I shrugged my shoulders. I told her that the relationship I shared with him was between the two of us. If he chose to stray he was going to be history and he knew it. I refused to blame anyone else for his behavior.

In the OP situation I am not sure what I would do. I think that if the husband is fooling around, flirting, whatever.....how would confronting the woman make a difference. He needs to manage his own behavior and how he responds to friends, not just on FB but everywhere. So OP chases this one away is this going to be her new role? Because if this is not innocent there will be another one, and another and another. Until the OP makes the husband understand that she is worth more than this and that all of the attention that the husband seems to need is causing more pain than he is worth.


I believe that if the Op is hurt by this that should be enough for her husband to make some changes. IMO it is all on him.

 

[ols386]

You need to confront her, and he needs to de-friend her.

I disagree. The op's dh needs to confront (if that's the term you want to use) her, and tell her to quit poking.

I think for the op to confront her, might make matters worse. Op's dh needs to be man enough to take care of it, not have his wife get involved and resolve it.

 

[krcit]

Rough day



I know we all have different ways of dealing with this kind of thing but I would rather chew glass than confront a woman who was trying to snag my DH. I figure if she can get him she can have him. How I would choose to deal with him is a different story

Years ago we were at a bar after attending a wedding. A woman sitting with us felt the need to point out that some girl was trying to gain Buddy's attention and was shocked when I shrugged my shoulders. I told her that the relationship I shared with him was between the two of us. If he chose to stray he was going to be history and he knew it. I refused to blame anyone else for his behavior.

In the OP situation I am not sure what I would do. I think that if the husband is fooling around, flirting, whatever.....how would confronting the woman make a difference. He needs to manage his own behavior and how he responds to friends, not just on FB but everywhere. So OP chases this one away is this going to be her new role? Because if this is not innocent there will be another one, and another and another. Until the OP makes the husband understand that she is worth more than this and that all of the attention that the husband seems to need is causing more pain than he is worth.


I believe that if the Op is hurt by this that should be enough for her husband to make some changes. IMO it is all on him.

I never got the whole 'confront the other woman' thing. She doesn't owe you a thing and most likely could not only not care less she may get a thrill from the drama.

 

[Buckalew11]

Yeah, the poking thing was another lie...since she can't poke him twice in a row without him poking her back. He may not have *known* that HE and she were interacting so often on FB--yeah, right...uh-huh.

And he could have easily seen if she was friends with you. I believe that like I believe in the Easter Bunny. I seriously doubt he asked her to friend you also--why would she? Does she know you? No. He tells a lot of stories, huh? Makes you wonder what the truth is about anything he says and there goes the TRUST. He needs to rethink exactly what it means when you lose someone's trust.

 

[Nancyg56]

Buckalew- I agree with you, the husband is trying to smooth this over by laying all of the responsibility on the other woman. I think that he may have been flattered by the attention, got into the drama of it all but once caught he is squirming and instead of coming clean he chose to lie. I am getting a little mad for the OP. It seems that the DH is taking advantage of the fact that she wants to trust him

I have a disclaimer. In his heyday DH stopped traffic, he is one attractive man. As his cousin told me he was no slouch . He would go out with the boys and women gravitated to him. I told him that he needed to be cognizant of his actions, words and gestures because I was not a woman who wanted a gynormous lighthouse, I wanted a pilot light. He knew that I understood if women approached him but if he wanted me in his life he better make sure no one questioned his status. I decided early on that I would never be in a relationship if I needed to "fight" for my partner and Buddy understood that.

I think that the issue the OP has is is value in this relationship. She has value and her Dh needs to know that if his behavior in any environment compromises how she feels then he needs to rethink how he impacted that. Oh my goodness...I am mad for her!

 

[hambirg]

Rough day



I know we all have different ways of dealing with this kind of thing but I would rather chew glass than confront a woman who was trying to snag my DH. I figure if she can get him she can have him. How I would choose to deal with him is a different story

Years ago we were at a bar after attending a wedding. A woman sitting with us felt the need to point out that some girl was trying to gain Buddy's attention and was shocked when I shrugged my shoulders. I told her that the relationship I shared with him was between the two of us. If he chose to stray he was going to be history and he knew it. I refused to blame anyone else for his behavior.

In the OP situation I am not sure what I would do. I think that if the husband is fooling around, flirting, whatever.....how would confronting the woman make a difference. He needs to manage his own behavior and how he responds to friends, not just on FB but everywhere. So OP chases this one away is this going to be her new role? Because if this is not innocent there will be another one, and another and another. Until the OP makes the husband understand that she is worth more than this and that all of the attention that the husband seems to need is causing more pain than he is worth.


I believe that if the Op is hurt by this that should be enough for her husband to make some changes. IMO it is all on him.

I totally agree with this!

I understand why the OP is angry. . .but this woman is not the problem. OP needs to take a serious look at her marriage. Married men and women go looking for attention outside of their marriage for one reason only. . .their emotional needs are not being met within the marriage. I'm not saying that it's the OPs fault. . .maybe it's just DH's problem. But regardless, it's between OP and DH.

OP, you can put out this fire. .and as many other that come up, but it won't solve anything. The world is full of unlimited people to flirt with. You need to get to the bottom of why your DH is unhappy. Playing poke police on FB will do nothing more than alienate your spouse more.

 

[bicker]

not true. While you can change the color of your paint

You can't change a brown into a baby blue.

you can not repair betrayals on Facebook.

You cannot repair betrayals IRL either, because, again, the betrayal is something that a person did.

I am usually in sync with you but this time, because you have not experienced Facebook trouble, I think you are mistakenly downplaying it's role in personal relationships.

The problem with that assertion is that I'm not downplaying betrayal via Facebook any more than you're downplaying betrayal IRL.

These flirtations would not be happening if boundaryless social networks were not in place.

Of course they would.