Spouse's FB comments - inappropriate?

[Nancyg56]

They guys who sued Mark Zuckerberg over Facebook, claiming (in a nutshell) that he stole their idea.

Now I know why they sounded familiar Thanks!

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Now I know why they sounded familiar Thanks!

My pleasure

 

[IDoDis]

I would be very concerned. At this point, all of my trust would be gone. Does he have a twitter account? I'd be concerned about that. He can always open a new fb account using his middle name so that people will know who he is when he sends a friend request. Now that he's off of facebook (even temporarily), I'd be worried about communication I couldn't see (twitter, tumblr, or myspace).

Does he use his own laptop/iphone etc.., that you can access to check browsing history? If he knows you are checking it, he can easily delete his history before he gets off the internet. So don't ask him, just check it.

I also think that him having fb friends that you don't know or that he's never even met in person is not good and speaks volumes. I can't think of very many people at all that my DH knows that I don't know. And IF my DH had a fb account (which he doesn't), I'd ask him about his friends and their history. Not out of distrust, just out of curiosity. I could not sit back like you have and just let these things happen. Talk to your DH, just like you are hopefully talking to your kids. I often know more about what's going on with my kids' friends than their own parents do -- because I talk to them -- a lot.

If your DH reactivates his account, send friend requests to ALL of his female friends that you don't know. You'll know who the potential problems are if they don't accept your friend request. It's not just what people write on his comments you want to see. You also want to see what he is writing on their walls which could explain why some comments he's received have crossed the line.

 

[bumbershoot]

I still am shocked to read what some people post knowing that their grandma is a friend!

They *could* very well post those specific updates in a way so that grandma is blocked from seeing it. Pretty easy to do.

What I am having a hard time with tho is that I just cannot for the life of me see how DH could think that, with our history, this kind of behavior with other women is ok. To be perfectly blunt, I think that he is just determined to have his fun regardless of how it makes me feel. He says that I am the most important thing in the world to him but his actions certainly don't seem to bear that out.

And that's the important part. You have to talk to him about this, probably in the company of a counselor...

But, also look around on this board and see how many complaints there are from people who are having trouble on Facebook...

There is absolutely no valid reason to get on Facebook.

Pictures can be shared via email, skype allows people to talk face to face, we still have telephones and most cell phone accounts have unlimited long distance, we can write letters, have lunch-dinner and breakfast together. We can video things and send DVD's to grandparents, friends and other family. All of these options allow direct communication without compromising our privacy. Why would you open your life up to the world? Facebook is NOT secure; I know people who have had their accounts hacked and abused.

You are ignoring ALL the people who post GOOD things about Facebook, though! The people on here who hate FB just refuse to take notice of those of us who like it.

In the run-up to my 20th HS reunion my old friends and I kept having these massive, reply-all, emails. Some of the friends kept getting annoyed at some parts of the email offshoots. Then we'd take someone off, someone who hadn't been responding, and then there would be annoyance because she really was reading and enjoying etc.

We all got on FB after the reunion and it's been great. It's a terrific, passive, way to communicate and share with each other. No one messes up dinnertime or bedtime, no one intrudes with a poorly timed phone call.

ANYTHING online can be hacked. Hacking has nothing to do with if FB is secure. I have my FB set up so Friends Only can see what I say, I can't be searched for on google (gotta go to FB to do that), etc. Their settings are secure. But if someone wants to hack, that's entirely different. My email got hacked a few months ago (oh the shame) but FB did not. So if I'd been sharing thoughts and pictures etc etc via email, then that criminal got those things!

Those aspects of FB are real and useful and valid, darnit!




Now, OP...on the other side of it all...I have a few friends on FB who are ridiculously flirtatious to the nth degree, and mean nothing by it. Both of them will flirt with anything and anyone (of legal age of course). They will go down flirtatious roads that are just crazy. But it's just talking. (both are from a theatrical background and would do this in person as well)

And I've seen many people start with a song lyric, not everyone knows it's a song, they'l go off in their directions, then the person will continue on with the lyric until everyone understands that "they" aren't saying these things, they are just "singing".

Is it *possible* that this is what happened? It's not his fault if some of these women didn't know the song (I've never heard of it) and went some other place with it, and then he was circling it back around by continuing with the lyric?

It *could* be absolutely innocent.

But what's important is your specific past and history, and how this is making you feel. He says things to you but isn't acting on it. And when there has been betrayal, words mean nothing, they are fluff and junk...it's actions that are key. And he MUST make the choice to make his actions fit his pretty little words.


Best of luck to you!

 

[Goofyluver]

I won't comment other than to say that no one can delete your status but YOU, so you DH clearly DID delete it...

Listen OP, folks don't get upset or defensive over nothing. There's no need to.

I don't have a relationship where I am put in a situation where I have to question, worry, or seek out hidden/inappropriate behaviors, nor can I imagine participating in that type of relationship at all.

Without trust, what do you have?

Let's recap. Your hubby made comments on FB that you deem inappropriate, he then "hid"/deleted his comments so you couldn't see them, and then lied about that as well.

This isn't something that can be swept under the rug.

 

[Buckalew11]

My DH doesn't FB. I do.

But,if that had been my DH's comment, I would have responded to it too. I would have said, "Uh, honey, You're my car. <3 " and them he could have deleted it or we could have fought or whatever but there's no way in heck I would have sat there and watched women flirt with him on FB.

What would I have thought if some man I know had that on his FB and had responses from women, but not his wife, that made me raise my eyebrow?
I would think a whole lot less of him and to be honest, I probably would have commented--I mean, if I'm friends with him on there then I'm invited in also, right? So, most likely I'd have smacked it down for his wife. lol

Good luck, OP. I'm sorry your marriage is having trouble. I'm watching my sister's fall apart and wished I'd have spoken up earlier.

 

[MoonFaerie]

My parents are going through a very nasty time right now and the Internet was a huge part of it.

Once my stepfather found out about it, which was about 6 years ago. They already had issues in their marriage and that made it 10 times worse.

She accused him 4 years about something he denied, denied and denied and just about 2 weeks ago he admitted to having an affair and my mother was right!

FB and the internet are part of the blame, because it makes it so easy # 1 its FREE!!!! People become brave and think "Oh I can have a little fun and no one will know"

By her husband just doing in and deleting it and then deactivating his account doesn't say much about him. He should have talked about it with her (communication is really key here) but he is hiding something if he just deleted thinking it will make her happy, I don't think that is what the OP wanted so now I would not just him at all.

I hate to say it but if it walks like a duck.......

OP, I wish you alot of luck and hope its a big misunderstanding but you need to be sure for your own sanity and your children.

I wish I got free internet! The cost of the computer plus the monthly cost of the internet is certainly not free! Picking up a stranger at a bar would be much cheaper...

 

[Tiger926]

I wish I got free internet! The cost of the computer plus the monthly cost of the internet is certainly not free! Picking up a stranger at a bar would be much cheaper...

I think she means Facebook is free - there are no additional costs in becoming a member.

Tiger

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

The comment would not bother me at all. I trust my husband and a few comments on a social page is not going to even hit my radar.

IF I posted something on your husbands account and I wanted to, I could erase my comment without your husband knowing. So could anyone who posted. Maybe he asked them to remove their posts, or maybe he decided to do it himself.

TO BE ABLE TO DELETE your account you must DEACTIVATE for 2 weeks, here's the information directly from Facebook, so just because he deactivated it does not mean he didn't intend to delete it:

"HOW TO DELETE (long version)

Go here (working link above):
http://www.facebook.com/help/contact.php?show_form=delete_account

Click "Submit" and follow the instructions.

Your account will be deactivated for two weeks, and if you DO NOT USE FACEBOOK IN ANY WAY during that period, your account is permanently deleted.

I REPEAT: Your profile isn't deleted right away! You must NOT log in to, or interact in any other way with Facebook for at least two weeks, as it will cancel the deletion request. That includes NOT logging in to Facebook using any client (like the iPhone app or IM:s like Pidgin), NOT clicking embedded Like-buttons on other websites, NOT logging in to other services using Facebook Connect (like Digg) etc etc.

Hey, while your're at it, delete all your browsing/forms history and cookies as well, to minimize the risk of accidentally using your account!

If you want out - stay out, mmmkay?

This method is official and should be complete, i.e. no need to delete individual photos, comments, messages or items from your profile or anywhere else on Facebook! If you have any concerns whether your stuff is actually deleted (as opposed to being kept somewhere in the deep dungeons of Facbook's HQ) your best bet is to ask them using email: info@facebook.com."

 

[shortbun]

That's like saying that a good reason to avoid a paintbrush is because you don't like the color of the paint. FB is a tool. The problem highlighted in the OP isn't FB: The problem is what people decided to post.

not true. While you can change the color of your paint, you can not repair betrayals on Facebook. One is a surface appearance and the other is an emotional heartbreak. I am usually in sync with you but this time, because you have not experienced Facebook trouble, I think you are mistakenly downplaying it's role in personal relationships. These flirtations would not be happening if boundaryless social networks were not in place. It just makes it sooo easy. I soo hope you continue to have luck with your accounts.

 

[EclecticWAHM]

My parents are going through a very nasty time right now and the Internet was a huge part of it.

Once my stepfather found out about it, which was about 6 years ago. They already had issues in their marriage and that made it 10 times worse.

She accused him 4 years about something he denied, denied and denied and just about 2 weeks ago he admitted to having an affair and my mother was right!

FB and the internet are part of the blame, because it makes it so easy # 1 its FREE!!!! People become brave and think "Oh I can have a little fun and no one will know"

By her husband just doing in and deleting it and then deactivating his account doesn't say much about him. He should have talked about it with her (communication is really key here) but he is hiding something if he just deleted thinking it will make her happy, I don't think that is what the OP wanted so now I would not just him at all.

I hate to say it but if it walks like a duck.......

OP, I wish you alot of luck and hope its a big misunderstanding but you need to be sure for your own sanity and your children.

FB and the internet are NOT part of the blame. PEOPLE make bad decisions, not Facebook, not the internet. Personal responsibility. Seriously. People have got to stop blaming the internet, Facebook, MySpace etc for their own bad decisions. All the internet does is make it easier for other people to SEE your bad behavior. When someone does something wrong they have no one, nothing to blame but THEMSELVES. Blaming Facebook or the internet is the most pathetic cop-out and doesn't address the real problem.

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

Your spouse/friend/relative is either trustworthy or not. Facebook is not going to change the nature of someone.

If (OP this has nothing to do with you) you discover infidelity or betrayal or whatever on fb, count yourself lucky because before social networking you were in the dark. At least now, if your person is stupid enough to conduct his/her activities on fb, you get a clue.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

FB and the internet are NOT part of the blame. PEOPLE make bad decisions, not Facebook, not the internet. Personal responsibility. Seriously. People have got to stop blaming the internet, Facebook, MySpace etc for their own bad decisions. All the internet does is make it easier for other people to SEE your bad behavior. When someone does something wrong they have no one, nothing to blame but THEMSELVES. Blaming Facebook or the internet is the most pathetic cop-out and doesn't address the real problem.

Kinda makes you wonder whose fault it was when Brutus betrayed Julius Caesar or the Rosenbergs sold our secrets during the Cold War. I mean, they didn't even have MySpace!

 

[Nancyg56]

not true. While you can change the color of your paint, you can not repair betrayals on Facebook. One is a surface appearance and the other is an emotional heartbreak. I am usually in sync with you but this time, because you have not experienced Facebook trouble, I think you are mistakenly downplaying it's role in personal relationships. These flirtations would not be happening if boundaryless social networks were not in place. It just makes it sooo easy. I soo hope you continue to have luck with your accounts.

I bet if you asked most of us here would tell you that we do not experience FB trouble is because of the decisions we make, the friends we keep and the things that we say. Kind of like IRL. If a person is inclined to cheat or to flirt or to place fast and loose with a relationship it is going to happen. You feel we downplay the role of FB in these situations but I feel you overplay its role. The luck that you perceive us to have with our accounts in good judgement IMO. My DMIL used to get peeved when folks would tell her that she was lucky that she could retire so early. SHE finally told several of them luck had nothing to do with her "good fortune". She and my DFIL lived in $800 a month for years so that they would have enough set aside to enjoy their retirement at an early age. In her opinion their spending decision did not show good judgement and she felt that they were playing fast and loose financially but It is really the same thing here. You make your own luck in your life when it comes to social behavior. You either are self disciplined in your socializing: online, at work, in church, in meetings, at PTO....whatever or you are not.

Is it perhaps a little easier to step out on a vow online? I am not sure, there have been more than a few cheaters at my last place of employment. It is all personal behavior.

FB and the internet are NOT part of the blame. PEOPLE make bad decisions, not Facebook, not the internet. Personal responsibility. Seriously. People have got to stop blaming the internet, Facebook, MySpace etc for their own bad decisions. All the internet does is make it easier for other people to SEE your bad behavior. When someone does something wrong they have no one, nothing to blame but THEMSELVES. Blaming Facebook or the internet is the most pathetic cop-out and doesn't address the real problem.

 

[EclecticWAHM]

I bet if you asked most of us here would tell you that we do not experience FB trouble is because of the decisions we make, the friends we keep and the things that we say. Kind of like IRL. If a person is inclined to cheat or to flirt or to place fast and loose with a relationship it is going to happen. You feel we downplay the role of FB in these situations but I feel you overplay its role. The luck that you perceive us to have with our accounts in good judgement IMO. My DMIL used to get peeved when folks would tell her that she was lucky that she could retire so early. SHE finally told several of them luck had nothing to do with her "good fortune". She and my DFIL lived in $800 a month for years so that they would have enough set aside to enjoy their retirement at an early age. In her opinion their spending decision did not show good judgement and she felt that they were playing fast and loose financially but It is really the same thing here. You make your own luck in your life when it comes to social behavior. You either are self disciplined in your socializing: online, at work, in church, in meetings, at PTO....whatever or you are not.

Is it perhaps a little easier to step out on a vow online? I am not sure, there have been more than a few cheaters at my last place of employment. It is all personal behavior.

Amen. Truer words never spoken.

 

[waltsgirl]

Maybe you should have posted--- Used Car for Sale....

 

[Goofyluver]

Not sure why this has turned into a facebook debate. The OP came here looking for advice.

Facebook is an outlet, not an excuse.

When people blame social media for a person's indiscretion, I see it as a cop-out. Whatever happened to personal responsibility? It's like excusing a theft by saying a store shouldn't leave their merchandise out on the shelves because it's just asking for someone to come along and take it. It's ridiculous.

Social media isn't to blame. The OP's hubby USED that site to make some inappropriate comments and then lied about what happened. That's not facebook, that is all him.

 

[luvsJack]

The problem is NOT facebook and its not even what your husband meant or didn't mean by what he posted. The problem is there is a definite lack of trust.

Its not fair that your husband is doing something to make you feel this way but its also not fair for him to have to overthink everything he says either.

My dh has one of those flirty/ always joking personalities. It used to bother me ALL the time. Finally I just decided that if he was going to have an affair he was hardly going to do it as openly as that and I stopped allowing his nature to bother me.

You have to get the trust back. Even if he never says anything like this again, you still have to have trust. That is what you need to work on, not worrying about what he says on facebook.

 

[Cinderella94]

Not sure why this has turned into a facebook debate. The OP came here looking for advice.

Facebook is an outlet, not an excuse.

When people blame social media for a person's indiscretion, I see it as a cop-out. Whatever happened to personal responsibility? It's like excusing a theft by saying a store shouldn't leave their merchandise out on the shelves because it's just asking for someone to come along and take it. It's ridiculous.

Social media isn't to blame. The OP's hubby USED that site to make some inappropriate comments and then lied about what happened. That's not facebook, that is all him.

Agree with all of this.

Take responsibility for what you (general you) post on FB or don't post it. Don't blame the messenger (which is, in this case, Facebook).

 

[dislaney]

Thanks. I appreciate your thoughts. Same goes for everybody else. The Dis should set up a board just for therapy sessions. It has actually helped to hear from people who see both sides of this.

What I am having a hard time with tho is that I just cannot for the life of me see how DH could think that, with our history, this kind of behavior with other women is ok. To be perfectly blunt, I think that he is just determined to have his fun regardless of how it makes me feel. He says that I am the most important thing in the world to him but his actions certainly don't seem to bear that out.

This is sad. I would not be able to be with someone who says one thing and does another. I would see if he would go get counseling. I think his answer would tell me a lot! Sorry you are going through this.