Spouse's FB comments - inappropriate?

[luvmy3]

The internet is not a great place for a marriage. I'm happy that your DH did the right thing. IMO......harmless flirting is how it all begins.

The internet isn't agreat place for untrustworthy spouses, or rocky marriages. Its a fine place for the rest of them.

I'm not sure that him deactivating the account really means anything - least of all that he's doing the right thing. I know that he has exchanged email addresses with at least some of these women. So it is certainly possible that he could continue his relationship with some of these women - only this time, where I can't see what is being said.

Also, being new to Facebook, I don't know if it's possible for him to go back in a create a new account that I don't know about. I would think so tho - as long as he is careful about what name he uses and who he friends.

I probably sound paranoid but, yes, we have had some trust issues in the past. I have very good reason to be suspicious. I thought we had come a long way but apparently not.

What your dh did wouldn't bother me if it was my dh, I don't care about harmless flirting. I may razz him about it, but it wouldn't upset me.
However in your marriage it doesn't seem like its harmless, and since you have past issues you have every right to be upset.

ETA do you have kids that are on FB? I think if my kid's saw their father say that stuff I'd be upset. So I guess in a way I do think its inappropriate.

 

[lilmadgray]

He can also block who see's certain conversations. So he could have deleted the post or blocked you from seeing it. If it were me I would be doing a little investigating. I really hope it all works out for you and it was just all in fun.

 

[Nancyg56]

You have the right to feel however you feel. You're the one who read the whole conversation and felt it was inappropriate. Your husband should accept that whether or not he meant to be inappropriate, he upset you with the conversation.

And, I agree, that I think your husband must have deleted the posts. And, frankly, the fact that he was not being truthful would bother me even more than making the comments which he honestly could have meant jokingly. The fact that they were deleted leads me to believe that he knew that it was not appropriate Facebook conversation.

I agree with this. I would be upset that DH deleted the posts and then was not honest about that. This is the conversation I would have.

My Facebook interactions are torally "G" rated-Facebook doesnt turn decent people into something they arent

Mine is as well. I would never post anything that I would not publish in the newspaper and I sure would not turn a social page into any kind of affair.

That's like saying that a good reason to avoid a paintbrush is because you don't like the color of the paint. FB is a tool. The problem highlighted in the OP isn't FB: The problem is what people decided to post.

I still am shocked to read what some people post knowing that their grandma is a friend!

And for the person who was asking who these women are - I don't really know. I don't know them at all - on FB or elsewhere. I think one of them is someone that DH went to high school with. The other one - whose comments bothered me the most - is suppposedly someone that DH has not even met IRL. She is a friend of a friend from high school. Or at least that's what I've been told. All her information on facebook is blocked unless you are on her friends list. You can't even see where she is from or where she went to school or anything.

I have some friends from the DIS. I have never met them IRL but I have not blocked them from anything so I can see that your DH has friends like this as well. What I would suggest is that if you and DH come to some sort of understanding on what is appropriate behavior on FB he send a friend request to these chatty women on your behalf. Sometimes innocent things get misinterpreted because one party does not understand the commitment level of another. If the friend refuses he should unfriend her.

 

[undecided101]

The internet isn't agreat place for untrustworthy spouses, or rocky marriages. Its a fine place for the rest of them.



What your dh did wouldn't bother me if it was my dh, I don't care about harmless flirting. I may razz him about it, but it wouldn't upset me.
However in your marriage it doesn't seem like its harmless, and since you have past issues you have every right to be upset.

You hit on something that compels me to amend a comment I posted earlier. I said that I know couples who do FB and such and keep everything transparent and G-rated. What I should have said is that they both abide what works for them. I think that is key. They stick to whatever is comfortable for their relationship and that is different for everyone.

Unfortunately, time and again, my DH has not shown me that consideration.

 

[mamacatnv]

First off things do just disappear off of FB, I've seen it happen over and over.
2nd, in all honesty if your DH is posting on his status knowing full well that you have access I would lean towards innocent flirting not something sinister and untrustworthy. I would hope that if his intentions were in fact dishonorable he would not blatantly post on a public forum he knows you read.

I read once that we women tend to think the worst of all scenarios and that when faced with a question regarding our mates intentions we should always assume the intention with the least amount of deception instead of the most amount. If men allow us to see what they are doing chances are their intentions are not deceitful in nature.

 

[undecided101]

ETA do you have kids that are on FB? I think if my kid's saw their father say that stuff I'd be upset. So I guess in a way I do think its inappropriate.

Yes, our 19yo son is on FB and he and DH are friends. I have not investigated to see if he read those comments. I'd really rather not have that conversation.

But I shudder to think what else he may have seen since, during our discussions about this particular incident, DH told me that he has in the past deleted other people's comments to him because he thought they crossed the line. So our DS may have seen some lovely conversations between his dad and other women. I also have to wonder what DH must have said on there in the past to get responses that even he felt were inappropriate.

 

[pixiechick]

Well, like I said it my previous post, I don't think that there's necessarily anything wrong with flirting. Everyone knows someone who flirts all of the time, and that person would get the same response I'd give my husband in this fb situation - an eye roll. Actually, my husband would also get a sarcastic, "hey stud, your car is a mini cooper."

This clearly upsets you and your husband, knowing that, shouldn't be playing around on facebook.

you beat me to it.

OP: I agree with this 100%. I don't have an issue with flirting. What your DH wrote is clearly in line with the song. Not necessarily a red flag.

The issue is more about your trusting each other, and your DH remembering the fact that he has made bad decisions in the past.

 

[luvmy3]

Yes, our 19yo son is on FB and he and DH are friends. I have not investigated to see if he read those comments. I'd really rather not have that conversation.

But I shudder to think what else he may have seen since, during our discussions about this particular incident, DH told me that he has in the past deleted other people's comments to him because he thought they crossed the line. So our DS may have seen some lovely conversations between his dad and other women. I also have to wonder what DH must have said on there in the past to get responses that even he felt were inappropriate.

If your dh is doing this kind of flirting/dirty talk think often I think you need to have a heart to heart and go from there. Hopefully in his mind it is innocent and he realizes that he needs to stop because of how you feel about it. If its more than that, I hope you can work things out

 

[Tiger926]

As I've said many times before, would OP's husband call these women up on the phone, or serenade them with lyrics on the street? The answer, I'm sure is, NO!

Somehow, so many people think it's ok to post things on the Internet, that they would never do or say in person.

If it bothers OP, and clearly there is a trust issue here from past history, then that is all that matters. OP's husband probably knows he crossed a line, and if he doesn't, then a long talk needs to take place between them. But I would bet he does know, as he seems to engage in inappropriate behaviour here and there, so he seems to have issues in terms of proper boundaries and such; therefore, he shouldn't even be on FB at this point.

Facebook is not the problem, but people's extreme lack of judgment, filters and boundaries are the problem.

I am sorry the OP is going through this, as are so many other households these days...

Tiger

 

[undecided101]

If your dh is doing this kind of flirting/dirty talk think often I think you need to have a heart to heart and go from there. Hopefully in his mind it is innocent and he realizes that he needs to stop because of how you feel about it. If its more than that, I hope you can work things out

Thanks. I appreciate your thoughts. Same goes for everybody else. The Dis should set up a board just for therapy sessions. It has actually helped to hear from people who see both sides of this.

What I am having a hard time with tho is that I just cannot for the life of me see how DH could think that, with our history, this kind of behavior with other women is ok. To be perfectly blunt, I think that he is just determined to have his fun regardless of how it makes me feel. He says that I am the most important thing in the world to him but his actions certainly don't seem to bear that out.

 

[shortbun]

As I've said many times before, would OP's husband call these women up on the phone, or serenade them with lyrics on the street? The answer, I'm sure is, NO!

Somehow, so many people think it's ok to post things on the Internet, that they would never do or say in person.

If it bothers OP, and clearly there is a trust issue here from past history, then that is all that matters. OP's husband probably knows he crossed a line, and if he doesn't, then a long talk needs to take place between them. But I would bet he does know, as he seems to engage in inappropriate behaviour here and there, so he seems to have issues in terms of proper boundaries and such; therefore, he shouldn't even be on FB at this point.

Facebook is not the problem, but people's extreme lack of judgment, filters and boundaries are the problem.

I am sorry the OP is going through this, as are so many other households these days...

Tiger

Yeah, because of Facebook. We've all seen on this board how brave people get when they think they are anonymous. But, also look around on this board and see how many complaints there are from people who are having trouble on Facebook...it's a boundaryless social network and it's not a healthy place for people who can not resist crossing lines...most people. There is absolutely no valid reason to get on Facebook. Pictures can be shared via email, skype allows people to talk face to face, we still have telephones and most cell phone accounts have unlimited long distance, we can write letters, have lunch-dinner and breakfast together. We can video things and send DVD's to grandparents, friends and other family. All of these options allow direct communication without compromising our privacy. Why would you open your life up to the world? Facebook is NOT secure; I know people who have had their accounts hacked and abused. Businesses are using Facebook to collect a new type of 'mailing list' but do you really want your cable company's CEO to be able to look into your private life? All of these companies offering gifts, prizes, booty 'if you friend us.' They have your life laid out for them from then on-why would you do that????

OP-if your husband has cheated before, Facebook has given him the opportunity to test the water again and anonymously. If you had a counselor from before, it's time to go back. Telling women YOU don't know or any women that he's 'your vehicle baby, I'll take you anywhere you want to go'...btw, that song ends with "I want ya, I need ya, just got to have ya!...

I'd ask to see his email account right now without allowing him to edit anything...Ask to see the history on his cell phone...check his texts. I would want to know and let him know that I was not going down that road again innocently. If it was me, I'd be calling that counselor. That is what I would do. You have to follow your own path.

If it was me

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

First off things do just disappear off of FB, I've seen it happen over and over.
2nd, in all honesty if your DH is posting on his status knowing full well that you have access I would lean towards innocent flirting not something sinister and untrustworthy. I would hope that if his intentions were in fact dishonorable he would not blatantly post on a public forum he knows you read.

I read once that we women tend to think the worst of all scenarios and that when faced with a question regarding our mates intentions we should always assume the intention with the least amount of deception instead of the most amount. If men allow us to see what they are doing chances are their intentions are not deceitful in nature.

I agree with this 100%.

There is absolutely no valid reason to get on Facebook.

I would laugh if it weren't for the fact that I think you're serious.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Regardless if you have trust issues or not I would not be amused with banter like that. IMO it is completely disrespectful to your spouse to carry on like that. Suggesting "riding" anyone imo is totally innappropriate. BTW- why won't your dh tell you how he knows these women?

 

[Nancyg56]

Yeah, because of Facebook. We've all seen on this board how brave people get when they think they are anonymous. But, also look around on this board and see how many complaints there are from people who are having trouble on Facebook...it's a boundaryless social network and it's not a healthy place for people who can not resist crossing lines...most people. There is absolutely no valid reason to get on Facebook. Pictures can be shared via email, skype allows people to talk face to face, we still have telephones and most cell phone accounts have unlimited long distance, we can write letters, have lunch-dinner and breakfast together. We can video things and send DVD's to grandparents, friends and other family. All of these options allow direct communication without compromising our privacy. Why would you open your life up to the world? Facebook is NOT secure; I know people who have had their accounts hacked and abused. Businesses are using Facebook to collect a new type of 'mailing list' but do you really want your cable company's CEO to be able to look into your private life? All of these companies offering gifts, prizes, booty 'if you friend us.' They have your life laid out for them from then on-why would you do that????



I'd ask to see his email account right now without allowing him to edit anything...Ask to see the history on his cell phone...check his texts. I would want to know and let him know that I was not going down that road again innocently. If it was me, I'd be calling that counselor. That is what I would do. You have to follow your own path.

If it was me

I can not agree with you. I would never say anything on a message board that I would not say in person. I never put myself in a situation that would compromise my marriage, my family or friendships and if others do it is not because there was a tool available that made them do that.

I will agree that if a person is predisposed to cheat, flirt or in any other way let their own inhibitions loose an internet tool will help them to achieve that end. It is still the person and not the vehicle that makes the decision to step over a line. In my own life I set the boundaries and keep within them. My decisions regarding my privacy are my own, FB has nothing to do with that. I can decide if I want a loyalty card at a supermarket knowing that my purchases are not shared with a variety of "Friendly, sister companies" if I want to accept catalogs that will share my info with their associates. And let us not discuss how many private companies have been hacked and now info that is private is wide open.

It is simplistic to make a broad determination that a social network is a bad idea for everyone because you are not comfortable with that vehicle of communication. You can decide that you wil avoid it because you are better served elsewhere. I can decide that I am not going to click on everything that pops up, blab my private life while I am "Farming", accept a friendship that may compromise my integrity or step out on my husband in order to fulfill some fantasy that I had in high school.

If a person is inclined to use poor judgement it is going to happen with or without FB. A relative of my DH was terminated from a very good job because she had no idea the the instant chat feature at work could be and was monitored by her employers. This was conversation between two coworkers who thought that they could chitchat ablut personal issues was acceptable during working hours on equipment owned by their employer. Innocent but bad judgement.


My point is that you get to choose what works for you, I get to choose what works for me and if either one of exercises poor judgement that comes back to bite us, we hold that responsibility and cannot place any blame on the method we used.

 

[MickeySP]

That's like saying that a good reason to avoid a paintbrush is because you don't like the color of the paint. FB is a tool. The problem highlighted in the OP isn't FB: The problem is what people decided to post.

ITA! I ran into problems with FB but in a different way - with others getting involved in my relationship, reading into posts things that weren't there. Mt solution, I keep it generic, very low key and keep my personal business just that personal.

It sound like you have other issues - trust mainly. FB just seems to the manifestation of this problem right now. You say he has contact with these women in email so deactivating his FB means nothing.

I would suggest along talk, maybe therapy for you guys. At the very least tell him your fear abou the emails, ask to see them at that time. Don't give him time to edit his account if he has a BIG problem with this - RED FLAG!!!

I hide nothing from my BF, he can look at my phone/email/anything & vice versa. I don't, he doesn't but knowing made trust easier, now it just flows.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

My parents are going through a very nasty time right now and the Internet was a huge part of it.

Once my stepfather found out about it, which was about 6 years ago. They already had issues in their marriage and that made it 10 times worse.

She accused him 4 years about something he denied, denied and denied and just about 2 weeks ago he admitted to having an affair and my mother was right!

FB and the internet are part of the blame, because it makes it so easy # 1 its FREE!!!! People become brave and think "Oh I can have a little fun and no one will know"

By her husband just doing in and deleting it and then deactivating his account doesn't say much about him. He should have talked about it with her (communication is really key here) but he is hiding something if he just deleted thinking it will make her happy, I don't think that is what the OP wanted so now I would not just him at all.

I hate to say it but if it walks like a duck.......

OP, I wish you alot of luck and hope its a big misunderstanding but you need to be sure for your own sanity and your children.

 

[tweedlemom]

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

I seriously think some of the DIS members are related to the Winklevoss twins.

 

[Nancyg56]

I seriously think some of the DIS members are related to the Winklevoss twins.

I may be sorry that I asked...............but who are the WInklevoss Twins?

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

I may be sorry that I asked...............but who are the WInklevoss Twins?

They guys who sued Mark Zuckerberg over Facebook, claiming (in a nutshell) that he stole their idea.