Spouse's FB comments - inappropriate?

[bellebud]

I probably sound paranoid but, yes, we have had some trust issues in the past. I have very good reason to be suspicious. I thought we had come a long way but apparently not.

No, you don't sound paranoid - you've had trust issues in the past... these don't *poof* just disappear. If he's given you reasons to mistrust him in the past, he should know this wasn't right. The fact he is causing you stress again about trust issues speaks volumes to me.

good luck.

 

[undecided101]

Now no way am I taking his side
But
Were the comments all lines from the song?
His is pretty close to
"I'll be your vehicle babe" from the song.

It still stinks but maybe not as bad as you fear.

No, not all of the comments -neither his nor theirs - were lines from the song. I looked up the lyrics just to be sure.

And, for the record, some of his previous comments with one or two of these women have made me a little uncomfortable in the past. They were comments that could have been interpreted as flirting but, again, could not be. So I gave him a pass. Then I noticed that one of these women was ALWAYS quick to comment on his status posts - especially the ones that I thought had a playful, flirtatious tone to them. She seems to be eager to join the fun, bless her heart. And she doesn't seem to have any qualms about taking the "playfulness" to the next level.

My take on his comment is this - what do you do with a car? You ride it. Telling a woman I don't know that he'll be her car "baby" - I just don't see how anyone could possibly not see that as dirty talk.

 

[undecided101]

Ironically posted on the internet

True. And I do see the irony. But I, at least, had the courtesy to air our dirty laundry in an anonymous forum rather than on a site where our real names are used and it appears in front of our friends and family.

 

[Lorem Ipsum]

The song is "Vehicle" by the Ides of March.

Were all the lyrics from the song?

I'm sorry that you are having trouble.

 

[myheartlivesatwdw]

My take on his comment is this - what do you do with a car? You ride it. Telling a woman I don't know that he'll be her car "baby" - I just don't see how anyone could possibly not see that as dirty talk.

Dirty? I wouldn't go so far to say dirty.

The song is "Vehicle" by the Ides of March.

Were all the lyrics from the song?

I'm sorry that you are having trouble.

This is what I thought right off the bat.

 

[undecided101]

The song is "Vehicle" by the Ides of March.

Were all the lyrics from the song?

I'm sorry that you are having trouble.

Yes, that is the correct song and no, not all of the comments were lines from the song.

At first I was upset when I saw the rest of the song lyrics but DH insisted that he didn't know all the lyrics and didn't realize the song had such a risque message. I really don't think that excuses his comments tho. I thought they were out of line before I saw the rest of the song lyrics and seeing the rest of the lyrics only made his comments look worse, not better.

 

[undecided101]

Dirty? I wouldn't go so far to say dirty.


Dirty isa subjective term, I admit. But then, that's what is at the root of my question. Would others consider what he said to be dirty, given the context and who he said it to? To me, in essence what he said to this woman is "ride me." I'm having a hard time finding any other way to interpret that.

 

[mickeyboat]

Yes, that is the correct song and no, not all of the comments were lines from the song.

At first I was upset when I saw the rest of the song lyrics but DH insisted that he didn't know all the lyrics and didn't realize the song had such a risque message. I really don't think that excuses his comments tho. I thought they were out of line before I saw the rest of the song lyrics and seeing the rest of the lyrics only made his comments look worse, not better.

First, I don't know the song. Second the exchange doesn't immediately send up red flags. You seem to have a history of trust issues, though, which cause you to react the way that you did.

I do think that your DH deleting the exchange (don't understand why he would lie about it), and deactivating his account is a good sign. The exchange might have been inappropriate, and even if he didn't agree, he knew it was bothering you, so he stopped it and deactivated the account.

Is your problem that he had this exchange, or do you think there is other activity going on?

 

[undecided101]

First, I don't know the song. Second the exchange doesn't immediately send up red flags. You seem to have a history of trust issues, though, which cause you to react the way that you did.

I do think that your DH deleting the exchange (don't understand why he would lie about it), and deactivating his account is a good sign. The exchange might have been inappropriate, and even if he didn't agree, he knew it was bothering you, so he stopped it and deactivated the account.

Is your problem that he had this exchange, or do you think there is other activity going on?

DH has a tendency to be friends with women more so than with men. I had major problems with it during the first years of our marriage but as our DS got older, I learned that some guys are just like that. DS is the same way. He has totally platonic relationships with several girls his age. So I have tried not to let this bother me.

However, during those first few rough years, DH (by his own admission) let one of those friendships go too far. He claims that it was never a physical relationship - only that he let the emotions go where they should not have. However, he very definitely had the opportunity to cheat at that time. There were also rumors about him and another woman at about that time. I have never been sure if he was truthful about how far that "inappropriate friendship" went.

Now, he has once again taken a relationship with another woman further than I think appropriate and lied about deleting the evidence. So, as far as "other activity" - I'm not sure what to think at this point.

 

[MoonFaerie]

He's wrong. Sometimes "stuff" disappears because other people delete it from THEIR profile, but no one can delete anything from your profile except for YOU.

Sometimes stuff does just disappear. FB has been really buggy lately. Sometimes the stuff reappears, sometimes not.

Beyond that, I can't really help. Inappropriate should have been my middle name so this scenario wouldn't even register on my list of things to worry about. Rather, I'd have joined in the comments myself.

 

[bdcp]

If you think it's a problem, then it's a problem. FB is not the problem, it could be a symptom, but for anyone who blames FB, or the internet, that's not who is responsible for their behavior.

DH and I both have FB accounts, but we keep it entirely appropriate.

Also, as others have said, only an individual can delete posts from their page. It didn't just disappear, conveninently. Not sure why he would lie about not deleting something. Usually it would be the other way around to placate the spouse.

If it is all lines from songs, then it's not a big deal and it's very, very common on FB, but if you don't like it you have the right to tell your spouse.

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

First, I don't know the song. Second the exchange doesn't immediately send up red flags. You seem to have a history of trust issues, though, which cause you to react the way that you did.

This was my feeling too. I can see being upset if there is a history of related/trust issues, however I think that there is such a thing as innocent flirting. Each relationship has its own dynamic. In mine, a little mindless facebook flirting from either DH or me would not upset the other but for some people it's a deal breaker.

If the OP's DH knows that this type of behavior upsets her, he shouldn't do it at all.

 

[undecided101]

A 'decativiated account' is not deleted, it's just not active, kind of like it is on hold. If you deactivate your account, you can go back in and turn it back on later.

Here is what facebook says:
If you deactivate your account, your profile and all information associated with it are immediately made inaccessible to other Facebook users. What this means is that you effectively disappear from the Facebook service. However, we do save your profile information (friends, photos, interests, etc.), so if you want to reactivate at some point, your account will look just the way it did when you deactivated. Many users deactivate their accounts for temporary reasons and expect their information to be there when they return to the service.

If you permanently delete your account, all personally identifiable information associated with your account will be purged from our database. This includes information like your name, email address, mailing address, and IM screen name. Copies of some material (photos, notes, etc.) may remain in our servers for technical reasons, but this material is disassociated from any personal identifiers and completely inaccessible to other users. Facebook also does not use content associated with accounts that have been deactivated or deleted.

So your husband can turn around and get his account back, just like it was, anytime he wants to.

I have several friends who activate and deactivate their account repeatedly depending on what kind of drama is going on.

Thanks for the heads-up on this. I didn't know that. I am quite sure that my DH did tho. So it's interesting that he basically just hid his account in cyber-storage, so to speak.

 

[npmommie]

Now no way am I taking his side
But
Were the comments all lines from the song?
His is pretty close to
"I'll be your vehicle babe" from the song.

It still stinks but maybe not as bad as you fear.

This is what I was thinking too.
OP, I don't facebook, so know nothing about it, but I would be upset too.

who are these women anyway? the ones he is friends with that you don't know?
does he know them in real life? co-workers?

just curious.

 

[Angelhalo]

Nope-it's just easier for jerks to flirt-if they want to


My Facebook interactions are torally "G" rated-Facebook doesnt turn decent people into something they arent

I completely agree with you. To try to blame Facebook or lay down a blanket statement that Facebook is bad for marriages or should avoided by married people is absolute nonsense. I mean really? That's is downright laughable.

FB is only what people make it. It doesn't turn anyone into someone they aren't and it doesn't make anyone do anything they wouldn't normally do. If someone is flirting on FB then....dun dun dun....they probably flirt in real life when you aren't around!

DH and I have both been on FB for years and everything is hunky dory. He has male and female friends and I have friends of both genders as well. I trust him, and he trusts me. FB is NOT a place to air dirty laundry and that can certainly cause issues in a marriage if people use it in that manner but, FB itself has nothing to do with that. No there is no sense whatsoever putting the blame on FB in general. If things go sour on FB it is because of the individual who is immaturely posting things. But, as I said before, if someone is airing their dirty laundry on FB, they're probably doing it in real life to and you just don't know about it.

FB is a great tool for keeping in contact with family and friends. In fact it is the ONLY way I keep up with much of my extended family and friends whom I no longer live near. FB should definitely be avoided by those who are immature and have no self control. But, to say that it should be avoided by anyone married is just ridiculous.

As for the OP's situation....I seem to be in the minority but it really didn't sound like he did anything deplorable as far as FB was concerned. It sounded like he was just being silly with some friends. Of course this is based solely on the meager amount of information given to us about the situation. Frankly I would be far more upset about my DH lying to me than anything else in the scenario.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

To answer your original question... no, I don't think it was inappropriate. I post song lyrics frequently, just because they were stuck in my head or I like the song, or whatever. Not because they relate to how I'm feeling.

As for anything else going on in your marriage I can't comment on that. But in and of itself... I see nothing wrong with the exchange.

 

[undecided101]

If you think it's a problem, then it's a problem. FB is not the problem, it could be a symptom, but for anyone who blames FB, or the internet, that's not who is responsible for their behavior.

DH and I both have FB accounts, but we keep it entirely appropriate.

Also, as others have said, only an individual can delete posts from their page. It didn't just disappear, conveninently. Not sure why he would lie about not deleting something. Usually it would be the other way around to placate the spouse.

If it is all lines from songs, then it's not a big deal and it's very, very common on FB, but if you don't like it you have the right to tell your spouse.

Totally agree. FB is not the culprit here. I know other couples who do FB together, some who only one or the other does it. But they keep the comments and activity totally transparent and G-rated.

And, yes, the lying about deleting the posts confused me too. I was actually prepared to tell him that while I appreciated him taking it off to save me further embarrassment, but that it didn't make the whole problem go away. I was surprised when he insisted that he didn't delete it and didn't think there was anything inappropriate about what he'd posted.

Funny thing tho, now that I think about it - we were both on FB when this happened. It wasn't something I discovered several hours or days later. I watched this conversation play out in real time. And within a couple minutes or so after DH posted that last line, he looked over at me and asked what was the matter. I had not said a word and I really don't think I'd done anything to indicate that there was something wrong. The kids were in the room so I'd had no intentions of bringing it up at that point - I was actually trying hard not to do anything to alert the kids that I was upset. My response to him was that I was just looking at his latest status and comments. I'm sure my tone of voice gave away how I felt about it but it wasn't an over-the-top reaction by any means. The next time I refreshed the page, the whole thing was gone. But he claims that he didn't take it off.

 

[Angelhalo]

But he claims that he didn't take it off.

He is lying. Only he could have removed it.

 

[undecided101]

First off, I want to thank everyone for their responses - even those of you who don't see anything inappropriate about DH's comments. I am not looking for someone to just validate my feelings (altho that also is greatly appreciated). I genuinely want to hear what other people think.

So my question for those of you who don't think that DH was out of line - how would you have read that last line he posted to another woman (the "I'll be your car, baby" line)? Keep in mind that the last couple of comments had not been lines from the song - these women were making comments that played off those lyrics (sure wish I could still see those so I could be more specific). At any rate, the best I can do is say that the women's comments, one woman's in particular, came off as going too far and then DH responded with the comment above.

And for the person who was asking who these women are - I don't really know. I don't know them at all - on FB or elsewhere. I think one of them is someone that DH went to high school with. The other one - whose comments bothered me the most - is suppposedly someone that DH has not even met IRL. She is a friend of a friend from high school. Or at least that's what I've been told. All her information on facebook is blocked unless you are on her friends list. You can't even see where she is from or where she went to school or anything.

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

So my question for those of you who don't think that DH was out of line - how would you have read that last line he posted to another woman (the "I'll be your car, baby" line)? Keep in mind that the last couple of comments had not been lines from the song - these women were making comments that played off those lyrics (sure wish I could still see those so I could be more specific). At any rate, the best I can do is say that the women's comments, one woman's in particular, came off as going too far and then DH responded with the comment above.

Well, like I said it my previous post, I don't think that there's necessarily anything wrong with flirting. Everyone knows someone who flirts all of the time, and that person would get the same response I'd give my husband in this fb situation - an eye roll. Actually, my husband would also get a sarcastic, "hey stud, your car is a mini cooper."

This clearly upsets you and your husband, knowing that, shouldn't be playing around on facebook.