Spinning down, but not quite rock bottom

[Pea-n-Me]

Wow, you have a lot of issues going on.

My advice to you would be to 1) be smart and 2) make decisions on the here and now and not on what you *think* might happen in the future in regards to visitation, grandparent's rights, etc. (People I've known in situations like these have usually been wrong about what they think might happen.)

Your husband's judgement is skewed, his parents are in denial, and BIL is a threat to your children. Yours has got to be the clear head here, even if those around you are in la la land and even if they are critical of you.

You say you're there all the time, but what if something happened to you? Being there, would your husband rely on his parents to help watch your children? This would be something I'd be very concerned about on a daily basis being there with them. You should also have a Will that spells out clearly who your children's guardian will be in the event that something happens to your husband and you. It sounds like your DH would be on the same page as you about this at this time anyway, so I'd get going on that right away.

If you're contemplating divorce, further advice should be gotten from an attorney, as there are legalities involved here (such as the convicted pedophile/grandparent situation and BIL's current use of child porn, which is illegal and he would be in trouble for using whether he's registered or not; as a convicted offender still using he would possibly even be looking at jail time or other sanctions, I believe) that need to be handled correctly from the outset, especially if you need to preserve your defense against "grandparent rights" in this situation.

If you think your marriage is salvageable, then you should consider persuading your husband/making a condition, etc, that you need to leave that situation and find reasonable accomodations away from there to work on your issues together without these outside influences that are unhealthy, critical of you and threatening to your children.

A difficult situation, for sure. I hope you can find a solution.

 

[LovableGluttons]

If your kids are old enough, it is important to educate them about people toucing them. You don't have to tell them BIL's history necessarily, but teach them to be wary of anyone who might do something like that to them.


I confess to being a neurotic mom. I'd have to do SART examson pediatric patients in the ER. Just heartbreaking. Education about inappropriate toucing can start at a very early age.


Are you close to your parents? Could you relocate there until your house sells?


Here's an appropriate virtual hug. You coming forward and posting this is a big step! It really is and I commend you for doing so! I hope you can get some support in your local community to help you keep your kids and yourself safe.

 

[luvsJack]

You say DH is a good dad and husband, so give him a chance to prove it. Take him to a nice neutral place (restaurant with just the two of you comes to mind), and tell him what you stated here. Explain that the future has changes involved, and if he want's to be part of it:

1. He must agree to move immediately, even to an apartment, but it must be now.
2. He has to give up control of the household money. He will be allotted a certain amount of "fun money" once the budget is under control.
3. He must attend counseling sessions with you.

If he is truly a good guy as you mentioned, he will agree in the interest of his family and your relationship. Sometimes we men need to get to the brink to realize how much we love our wives, and how much we take them for granted.

If he is just in it for convenience, you'll find out that you need to go the attorney route.

The BIL is sick and will not get the help he needs, so don't waste your time trying to fix that. Just get your kids out and away from him, NOW!

Prayers sent for you to have strength and hopefully a good outcome to this trying situation.

ITA with this advice. But, be prepared to follow through immediately if he doesn't agree to these terms.

If it comes down to divorce, remember that he and his parents can ask for anything in court; doesn't mean they will get it. When/if you see an attorney put all the cards on the table and tell him every detail about bil and your fears of allowing your children around that. The court can order that your dh have visitation but NOT on that property and that the bil must not be allowed around the children. It may just be that your mil will want to hide bil's "issues" enough that she will back off and stay out of court.

 

[golfgal]

The grandparent's attitude makes me wonder about THEIR past . I would be laying down the law to your DH, either you move NOW or you file for divorce. I also hate to say it but are you POSITIVE your DH is ok being around your kids alone.

 

[spiraling]

Just to give a fair representation of how the parents have handled bil's legal problems in the past, let me share their "defense".

When he was arrested for the assault and went to court, they managed to keep him from doing prison time because he was "mentally deficient" with an I.Q. barely above mental retardation. They also managed to get a psychologist who was of the opinion that bil didn't fully "understand and comprehend" that what he did was wrong. To further aggravate matters, an extended family member is a counselor (who I will not be seeing, btw) and testified on bil's behalf. The little girls father was also persuaded to testify on behalf of bil, which is why the divorce happened. Little girl's father said, "God forgives him and so do I." This is an entire family that literally has circled the wagons around bil. This family was successful in seeing that bil didn't do prison time for attempting to rape a toddler! And how they managed to keep the FBI from pushing the case forward, I'll never know. I realize bil is "different" and I realize he has mental deficiencies. However, he holds a full-time job, makes major purchases on his own (vehicles and such), is getting ready to be married a second time, etc. He is not so limited that he doesn't understand what is right and wrong.

 

[monkeybug]

I agree with the posters who say to get your kids out of there! Even if it means a small apartment or staying with one of your relatives for a while.
Have you and your husband ever thought of financial counseling? I think that may be the most important thing for you to do as a couple right now (other than getting your children to a safe place). You need to be on the same page financially, and it sounds like he needs a non biased third party who can look him in the eye and say "you can't continue to spend in this way". It's hard to have an enjoyable marriage if there are huge financial obstacles in the way.

 

[DisneyFed]

Just to give a fair representation of how the parents have handled bil's legal problems in the past, let me share their "defense".

When he was arrested for the assault and went to court, they managed to keep him from doing prison time because he was "mentally deficient" with an I.Q. barely above mental retardation. They also managed to get a psychologist who was of the opinion that bil didn't fully "understand and comprehend" that what he did was wrong. To further aggravate matters, an extended family member is a counselor (who I will not be seeing, btw) and testified on bil's behalf. The little girls father was also persuaded to testify on behalf of bil, which is why the divorce happened. Little girl's father said, "God forgives him and so do I." This is an entire family that literally has circled the wagons around bil. This family was successful in seeing that bil didn't do prison time for attempting to rape a toddler! And how they managed to keep the FBI from pushing the case forward, I'll never know. I realize bil is "different" and I realize he has mental deficiencies. However, he holds a full-time job, makes major purchases on his own (vehicles and such), is getting ready to be married a second time, etc. He is not so limited that he doesn't understand what is right and wrong.

Horse Hockey...he's a Predator who has gotten his parents to bail him out, lie for him and destroy evidence in a Felony investigation....

I'm quite familiar with this defense....and it NEVER holds water....

Go into Mama Bear mode.....trust me on this one...

Oh, and the whole pedophiles can be "reformed" argument??

Horse Hockey on that too....

 

[dizluvah]

If it was me - I would take an unexpected and extended trip to my sister's house or other trusted relative - and then when I had my kids safely out of that situation (temporarily) I would decide how to proceed and discuss with DH....perhaps not the most mature route but that is what I would do - remove my kids from situation by staying with relative and then open dialogue/negotations with dh.

 

[LisaInNc]

I know this is difficult for you and divorce is a big bite to chew. I wouldn't push you that far until you both have tried counseling..

DO NOT move in with your MIL. It's too risky. The fact that they covered it up means that they won't protect your children. You will never have a moment of peace if you life in that house and God forbod something happens. You just don't want or need that kind of guilt.

Good luck!

Lisa

 

[AtlantaSue]

"Grandparents Rights"---well, they need to check their Supreme Court Rulings on that---however, you are correct that your husband could allow time with them when/if he has visitation. A BIL with a conviction for, what I'm assuming is "Aggravated Child Molestation" as well as an Order from a Federal Magistrate for counselling will certainly be plenty of Ammo for your attorney.
:

I agree. Under Georgia law, (and you could easily look up TN law online), grandparents rights in your case would simply mean that MIL would have a right to ask for visitation during your divorce case--it does not mean the judge will not look at all the facts (i.e. BIL) and determine what type of visitation, if any, is in the best interest of your children.

ETA--just saw LuvsJack's post, which essentially says the same thing!

 

[punkin]

You say DH is a good dad and husband, so give him a chance to prove it. Take him to a nice neutral place (restaurant with just the two of you comes to mind), and tell him what you stated here. Explain that the future has changes involved, and if he want's to be part of it:

1. He must agree to move immediately, even to an apartment, but it must be now.
2. He has to give up control of the household money. He will be allotted a certain amount of "fun money" once the budget is under control.
3. He must attend counseling sessions with you.

If he is truly a good guy as you mentioned, he will agree in the interest of his family and your relationship. Sometimes we men need to get to the brink to realize how much we love our wives, and how much we take them for granted.

If he is just in it for convenience, you'll find out that you need to go the attorney route.

The BIL is sick and will not get the help he needs, so don't waste your time trying to fix that. Just get your kids out and away from him, NOW!

Prayers sent for you to have strength and hopefully a good outcome to this trying situation.

This is good, BUT I would consult with an attorney first. You should know your rights in a worst case scenario and you should be willing and able to leave immediately or this conversation is pointless. If he refuses, you should be packed and ready to leave the next day. I kind of like the idea of an extended trip to your sister's. First speak to an attorney, then get the kids out and then talk to hubby.

 

[JOLLYHOLLY]

I just wanted to add that if the judge sees all the issues around the In-Laws, he/she would most likely only allow supervised visitation (if at all). I have been a similar situation (I was 18), my younger brother's dad could only have supervised visitation with my brother. There was a drop off plan and pick up plan. That way my mom wasn't any where near his dad.

I hope you are able to get you and your children to a safe place. Hopefully your husband will wake up and realize what kind of environment he has put ya'll in.

 

[danalee]

This man (bil) WILL hurt another child again, the fact is they almost always do until they are locked away, and the fact that mommy & daddy and well practically the whole family, sweeps it under the rug...its like giving him a green light to do it again!

Would your DH want to be a part of that? being a father I wouldnt think so...I would ask him (dh) ONE time to leave with me... if he goes great, if not, hold your ground and go! Hard yes but this is your childrens saftey were talking about, but I would not give DH a second of wiggle room, you flinch pal I'm outta here!

Lets face it, mommy & daddy have most likely made things "right" for dh at times to (nothing like bil, but you know what I mean) and he (as you first stated) likes things his way, so I dont think he will go without wanting it his way...but time for that is way, way over!

If it were me and this is possible, I would take the children to your familys, leave them there and come back and confront your dh, less drama for the children the better.

again good luck to you &

 

[Longsx3]

OP Please read your own post, you said that your DH is a good husband and father, but from everything else you have written I would disagree. Protect your children and get out!

 

[Mary•Poppins]

If it was me - I would take an unexpected and extended trip to my sister's house or other trusted relative - and then when I had my kids safely out of that situation (temporarily) I would decide how to proceed and discuss with DH....perhaps not the most mature route but that is what I would do - remove my kids from situation by staying with relative and then open dialogue/negotations with dh.

I agree with this poster. I think you need time away from your husband's family and perhaps your husband.

It appears to me (from what you have said) that your husband's family had raised two boys who have a sense of entitlement. Entitlement to spend money (including yours) without any thought of how it affects anyone and your BIL who should really be in jail and they have helped "save". It also sounds like your inlaws have quite a bit of money and are supporting your family (by giving you a place to stay). Your husband probably feels like he needs them in his back pocket since he can't manage his life without them. (And perhaps this is why you are staying there ... not flaming, just trying to see if what I am "reading between the lines" is correct.)

You need to separate from the whole situation and find out what is right for your family. This may mean renting a place, working in a job that doesn't pay as well for the time being ... and making your way without your husband for a while. (And don't go back to grad. school until you get a teaching job. Once you can find work, a lot of districts will pay for your grad. work.)

From the way you have written this, it seems like your inlaws control a lot ... and I would suspect money is what they hold over everyone's head. I would hold my head up high, move in with my sister ... or plan a way to move out and get an apartment (do not let your husband know of any accounts you open in order to do this) and go. Your children and sanity are worth way more than this family. If your husband really loves you, he will go to counseling while living apart to figure your marriage out.

I am sending you lots of virtual hugs.

 

[spiraling]

Everyone here has given me a lot to think about and I appreciate it. I'm headed to work soon so I won't be checking back in here until late tonight. Everyone has made valid points and the more I read the original post, the clearer things look to me. It is painful and hard to read and admit, but everyone here is right. His parents do have money and they have helped us out of more financial holes than I care to admit. I am so tired of it. I was so good at managing money before I got married, and even for a brief time after we got married. Over the years, I have gotten tired of fighting so I gave up.

Thanks again for the support.

Btw, I did look up the grandparent rights laws in my state, and it looks as though I could be successful fighting them, if they fought me at all.

 

[wdwfan16]

The most important thing is to protect the children. All the money in the world will not undo what BIL could do to them. If leaving him is how you protect the children then do it.

This maybe the wakeup call your DH needs to get the help he needs.

Just because you leave does not mean you will get divorced. If your DH see the light you all will be in a better place.

 

[Disneyrsh]

ok

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Honestly given the situation, I would not leave without getting an attorney so you can file the custody papers? Not sure what it is called.

I would be out of my mind if he went in and did that and you lost your children to temp. custody.

I don't know much about divorce but I know that it is something that you should look into first before taking action. In essence you need to cover yourself in the legal sense to be on the safe side.

The situation of seperation does not sound like it will be met with mutual understanding.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Honestly given the situation, I would not leave without getting an attorney so you can file the custody papers? Not sure what it is called.

I would be out of my mind if he went in and did that and you lost your children to temp. custody.

I don't know much about divorce but I know that it is something that you should look into first before taking action. In essence you need to cover yourself in the legal sense to be on the safe side.

The situation of seperation does not sound like it will be met with mutual understanding.

I agree.

I also think that, given the OP has little money and they have lots of money, it would behoove her to have her husband with her on this (at least at this time) rather than taking off alone with the kids, which likely would pit the whole clan against her and leave her at a critical disadvantage financially.

As I said before, she needs to be smart about this.

OP, you need to stop focusing on the grandparents rights thing right now. It's not a good use of your time and energy *at this time*.

You need to put your energies into the here and now of Step 1, which is getting your own place and determining if your marriage is salvageable.

Stay focused!