Spin off - What exactly is a baby shower?

[TriMom]

Spin off of the 2nd baby shower thread...

Around here we have baby showers for 2nd, 3rd, 4th babies, etc. all the time. No one thinks aything about it. No one considers it tacky - it's just what we do. In the 2nd baby shower thread, people mentioned that a small party with 5-10 close friends would be acceptable, but shower would not be. This got me thinking. I must not have any idea what a baby shower actually is!

For all babies (1st, 2nd) the girl's closest 2-3 friends host a shower at one of thier homes. They get a cake, cut up some fruit, and make some punch. The grandparents of the new baby are invited as well as about 10 other really good friends. We all get together, eat said cake, play silly games, and give the mother-to-be a gift that values about $10 - $25. Sometimes 3-4 people will go in together and get a bigger ticket item. Invitation are sent out via evites or on the phone.

It's all very low key - even for first babies. The people who are invited would be giving the new mom a gift anyway. These are all people who are good friends of the new mom and each other actually. We tend to celebrate everything though.

So given this discription, I am very confused why it ok to celebrate the first baby, but not second babies. That got me thinking - maybe I have no idea what a baby shower actually is - and we are doing it "all wrong"

Those of you who think that 2nd baby showers are tacky and rude - please explain to me what actually goes down at a baby shower, and then maybe I can understand why 2nd baby showers are tacky.

 

[Angelhalo]

Spin off of the 2nd baby shower thread...

Around here we have baby showers for 2nd, 3rd, 4th babies, etc. all the time. No one thinks aything about it. No one considers it tacky - it's just what we do. In the 2nd baby shower thread, people mentioned that a small party with 5-10 close friends would be acceptable, but shower would not be. This got me thinking. I must not have any idea what a baby shower actually is!

For all babies (1st, 2nd) the girl's closest 2-3 friends host a shower at one of thier homes. They get a cake, cut up some fruit, and make some punch. The grandparents of the new baby are invited as well as about 10 other really good friends. We all get together, eat said cake, play silly games, and give the mother-to-be a gift that values about $10 - $25. Sometimes 3-4 people will go in together and get a bigger ticket item. Invitation are sent out via evites or on the phone.

It's all very low key - even for first babies. The people who are invited would be give the new mom a gift anyway. These are all people who are good friends of the new mom and each other actually. We tend to celebrate everything though.

So given this discription, I am very confused why it ok to celebrate the first baby, but not second babies. That got me thinking - maybe I have no idea what a baby shower actually is - and we are doing it "all wrong"

Those of you who think that 2nd baby showers are tacky and rude - please explain to me what actually goes down at a baby shower, and then maybe I can understand why 2nd baby showers are tacky.

I completely agree. It is definitely NOT considered tacky around here to have showers for 2nd, 3rd babies etc. Here in my part of the south I think it would be considered rude to only throw a shower for the first baby. As if the rest of the children are less important somehow......

 

[acename]

Our church threw our shower for the first baby. Everyone in the church was invited and they did the cake and all that too.

For our second child due in February, my sister wants to do something like what you described. I feel a little weird about it after some of the responses on the other thread.

 

[Bluestars]

I'm from the south too and it's not considered tacky where I live. I never thought a thing about it until I joined the Dis. The showers I have been to have always been casual events where we have a cake, play some games, and give small gifts to the pregnant person. Definitely not something I would have ever considered tacky just because it wasn't a first baby.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

The idea of any kind of shower (wedding, baby, new home) is to "shower" the couple and/or baby with gifts. It's intended to get them started with what they need so they don't have to pay for all of it themselves. Each person brings a gift which takes a lot of the burden off of the couple/parents.

A shower is also intended to celebrate the event, but if you accept an invitation it's basically an agreement to bring a gift. Baby showers are generally given only for a first child. By the 2nd or 3rd, it's assumed that the couple already has most of what they need or are in a better financial position to purchase it. Some people think asking for more gifts for a 2nd child is tacky because family members and friends already gave one. Subsequent children can still be given gifts, but just not at an organized shower. That's how showers are viewed here.

 

[Anne34]

Around here we do the same type of things -- we have a lunch, play games and give gifts to the mom-to-be. The gifts are usually a bit pricier and many people register. We only do showers for the first baby.

 

[minkydog]

I'm a full believer in having showers for 2nd and 3rd(and more) pregnancies. The shower is for the MOM not the baby. It's her last chance to sit around with her adoring friends and family, eating finger sandwiches and swilling non-alcoholic punch before her life turns upside down--again. And if the participants want to bring her a little something, well go ahead!

I had showers for my first 2 babies and a little get together with my 3rd. Sure, my 2nd baby could have worn her brother's 7 year old hand-me-downs, but thankfully she didn't have to.

My 3rd baby came hot on the heels of my 2nd and we didin't really need much in the way of clothes(poor 3rd babies!) Since DD was less than 2 and still in diapers a lot of people gave us diapers in every size. Three friends went together and got me a twin stroller.

I don't remember a lot about the gifts, but I do remember laughing and talking and relaxing with my friends.

 

[kilee]

Here we tend to only see a shower for the first baby, unless there is A LOT of years between babies (like 10+ years). The trend in the last year has moved towards co-ed showers. Even before that though, they've always been large. As in 50-150 people. Usually lunch is served, though they are trending more towards full out reception type parties.

I can count on 1 hand the number of people I've known to have a shower for baby number 2 or 3. They just don't happen. I guess it's expected that at the first shower you'll receive the large baby furniture items (stroller, crib, high chair, ect) and you'll keep them for an subsequent children.

 

[Meriweather]

Spin off of the 2nd baby shower thread...

Around here we have baby showers for 2nd, 3rd, 4th babies, etc. all the time. No one thinks aything about it. No one considers it tacky - it's just what we do. In the 2nd baby shower thread, people mentioned that a small party with 5-10 close friends would be acceptable, but shower would not be. This got me thinking. I must not have any idea what a baby shower actually is!

For all babies (1st, 2nd) the girl's closest 2-3 friends host a shower at one of thier homes. They get a cake, cut up some fruit, and make some punch. The grandparents of the new baby are invited as well as about 10 other really good friends. We all get together, eat said cake, play silly games, and give the mother-to-be a gift that values about $10 - $25. Sometimes 3-4 people will go in together and get a bigger ticket item. Invitation are sent out via evites or on the phone.

It's all very low key - even for first babies. The people who are invited would be giving the new mom a gift anyway. These are all people who are good friends of the new mom and each other actually. We tend to celebrate everything though.

So given this discription, I am very confused why it ok to celebrate the first baby, but not second babies. That got me thinking - maybe I have no idea what a baby shower actually is - and we are doing it "all wrong"

Those of you who think that 2nd baby showers are tacky and rude - please explain to me what actually goes down at a baby shower, and then maybe I can understand why 2nd baby showers are tacky.

Sounds exactly how we do it around here too.

 

[luvmy3]

Baby showers are to get a family started on the things they need when they are having a baby. All the big equipment that a couple doesn't have prior to getting pregnant is given, along with anything else that is needed. There isn't a second shower because the parents pretty much have everything they need already. It doesn't mean the first baby, or any others aren't celebrated, its just done differently. I have a question for all the posters who live in regions where its the norm to have a shower as a celebration of the baby, is the father in attendance, and other male family and friends?

 

[Bluestars]

Luvmy3, out here where we have multiple showers, the father is usually never in attendance, neither are male friends. It's kind of just a female thing where I live.

 

[luvmy3]

Luvmy3, out here where we have multiple showers, the father is usually never in attendance, neither are male friends. It's kind of just a female thing where I live.

Here either, where showers are given for the 1st and not (usually) for any after.
Poor men, I guess no matter where they are they don't get to enjoy the celebration

 

[Bluestars]

Here either, where showers are given for the 1st and not (usually) for any after.
Poor men, I guess no matter where they are they don't get to enjoy the celebration

Who knows? They may like it that way.

 

[TriMom]

Baby showers are to get a family started on the things they need when they are having a baby. All the big equipment that a couple doesn't have prior to getting pregnant is given, along with anything else that is needed. There isn't a second shower because the parents pretty much have everything they need already. It doesn't mean the first baby, or any others aren't celebrated, its just done differently. I have a question for all the posters who live in regions where its the norm to have a shower as a celebration of the baby, is the father in attendance, and other male family and friends?

I am really trying to figure this out! Are you expected to show up with a gift ranging from a $75 high chair to a $300 baby bed???

 

[remyandhollandsmommy]

Nea men are normally a no show around here..come on now, you know how fragile a southern man's ego can be..caught at a BABY SHOWER no way lol. That said if I get a baby shower for this baby then I am dragging the Boo aka DF with me..he's all about experiencing every stage of pregnancy hahaha...

 

[luvmy3]

I am really trying to figure this out! Are you expected to show up with a gift ranging from a $75 high chair to a $300 baby bed???

It depends on who is giving I guess. Traditionally Parents (or I guess Grandparents) and other close family members usually give the higher priced items, like crib and nursery furniture etc. I have gone in together with immediate family on some of the higher priced items, so sometimes that is done. It really depends on what you can and want to give, some people just give an outfit or just diapers. When its your first, you need everything from baby nail clippers to car seats and cribs so the shower (which is still a celebration) is just a way for framily and friends to help the parents get started and have what they need. It is timed far enough from the birth so if the bigger needed items aren't given then the parents have enough time to go and get them.

 

[TLSnell1981]

The idea of any kind of shower (wedding, baby, new home) is to "shower" the couple and/or baby with gifts. .

I agree with this part of your post.

I live in the South and it is perfectly acceptable to give showers for ALL children...no matter what their birth order. They are viewed as a welcome for the new baby.

Thankfully, fathers, grandfathers, uncles, etc. are now included in this celebration.

We recently welcomed our 5th grandchild. The picture of my son...seated on one side of his wife, her father on the other and DH standing proudly behind her...is very moving. These guys were soooo excited to be a part of this celebration. Lord, my step-dad is 80 and it was his first baby shower. He was absolutely thrilled!!!

 

[luvmy3]

I agree with this part of your post.

I live in the South and it is perfectly acceptable to give showers for ALL children...no matter what their birth order. They are viewed as a welcome for the new baby.

Thankfully, fathers, grandfathers, uncles, etc. are now included in this celebration.

We recently welcomed our 5th grandchild. The picture of my son...seated on one side of his wife, her father on the other and DH standing proudly behind her...is very moving. These guys were soooo excited to be a part of this celebration. Lord, my step-dad is 80 and it was his first baby shower. He was absolutely thrilled!!!

How sweet

My dh and all the other men in the family came to my shower afterward. We needed someone to eat all the food that was left over

 

[AntePrincess]

OP, it sounds like you're doing the shower part right, as per tradition, ie a low-key gathering with punch, cake, and small thoughtful gifts, the question is really what a shower is about. Showers are by definition a party to give the honoree gifts. The story (not necessarily a true one, mind you, but it does give the sense of the occasion) is that showers came about when a community organized to provide someone in need with their dowry/housewares/baby needs/etc. So a baby shower would be about providing a new mother with the baby odds and ends she requires, in order to help her out. Throwing a lot of parties which demand gifts and are prefaced on some degree of need, when you really don't need anything, becomes greedy. Fortunately, babies aren't celebrated or welcomed with showers, they're celebrated and welcomed with a christening, bris, or meet the baby party, where freely offered gifts specific to the baby, rather than the family, are given. No baby misses out.

 

[Scurvy]

The idea of any kind of shower (wedding, baby, new home) is to "shower" the couple and/or baby with gifts. It's intended to get them started with what they need so they don't have to pay for all of it themselves. Each person brings a gift which takes a lot of the burden off of the couple/parents.

A shower is also intended to celebrate the event, but if you accept an invitation it's basically an agreement to bring a gift. Baby showers are generally given only for a first child. By the 2nd or 3rd, it's assumed that the couple already has most of what they need or are in a better financial position to purchase it. Some people think asking for more gifts for a 2nd child is tacky because family members and friends already gave one. Subsequent children can still be given gifts, but just not at an organized shower. That's how showers are viewed here.

I agree with this. I'm in the south and I've never known anyone to have a shower for anything but their first child. It would be considered quite tacky. That isn't to say that people don't celebrate the arrival of other children, because of course they do. But not with a shower - the shower is really intended to welcome the guest of honor into motherhood. As with bridal showers, the baby shower is something that corresponds with the honoree transitioning from one stage in life to another. It really isn't for the baby, it's for the woman who is about to become a mother. There aren't showers for later children because the mom is already a mother - there isn't a transition to celebrate. Of course people do end up giving gifts to the mother and baby if they choose to, but not at an specific event like they would at a shower.

The showers themselves vary quite a bit. Most that I've been to are very similar to the ones described in the OP, but some have been quite large and elaborate. Sometimes people are invited who have a connection to the mother through the father-to-be or the mother's family, her church or her workplace, even though they don't know the mother well at all. Other times only people who are very close to the mother are included.