Spin-Off of Marriage Length Thread: 2nd Marriages

[ronandannette]

It occurred to me while reading the other thread that apparently 2nd marriages are more likely to fail than first, and the divorce numbers skyrocket for subsequent marriages. The DIS data seems to buck that trend though - lots of posters, including myself, report being in successful, long-term 2nd marriages (22 years and going strong for us).

I know from experience 2nd marriages have complex challenges but honestly, very few people I know divorce their 2nd spouses compared to how many first marriages fail. Why does that not seem to line up with the stats?

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm not sure. My mom and step dad were both divorced and they've now been married for about 40 years and going strong (they're 72 and 77 and very dependent on each other, so I do not see a divorce in the future), but both of my friends who have been divorced are now in their third marriages.

 

[Marchand63]

We are in year 10, both areas were approx 20 years first time around. Actually this marriage is way better than my 1st or his. No kids, they are all grown, financially stable & we both have learned how to communicate.

 

[cabanafrau]

It occurred to me while reading the other thread that apparently 2nd marriages are more likely to fail than first, and the divorce numbers skyrocket for subsequent marriages. The DIS data seems to buck that trend though - lots of posters, including myself, report being in successful, long-term 2nd marriages (22 years and going strong for us).

I know from experience 2nd marriages have complex challenges but honestly, very few people I know divorce their 2nd spouses compared to how many first marriages fail. Why does that not seem to line up with the stats?

I've only been married once, but the logical line of thinking for me always asks -- wouldn't someone who's suffered through a bad marriage be intensely thoughtful about entering into another one? I mean who wants to burn themselves willingly on a hot stove twice? An awful lot of people I know who married and divorced and subsequently entered into a new life partner relationship or a second marriage are incredibly grateful they found their true mate and they nurture it accordingly.

 

[NYCgrrl]

I've only been married once, but the logical line of thinking for me always asks -- wouldn't someone who's suffered through a bad marriage be intensely thoughtful about entering into another one? I mean who wants to burn themselves willingly on a hot stove twice? An awful lot of people I know who married and divorced and subsequently entered into a new life partner relationship or a second marriage are incredibly grateful they found their true mate and they nurture it accordingly.

I think the vast majority of multiple marriage people would disagree with you and I'm not just talking Liz Taylor, LOL. Some people just can't see the forest for the trees.

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I've only been married once, but the logical line of thinking for me always asks -- wouldn't someone who's suffered through a bad marriage be intensely thoughtful about entering into another one? I mean who wants to burn themselves willingly on a hot stove twice? An awful lot of people I know who married and divorced and subsequently entered into a new life partner relationship or a second marriage are incredibly grateful they found their true mate and they nurture it accordingly.

I read that if you are likely to walk away from one marriage then it's much easier to walk away from the next marriage. I can see where they are coming from but I'm with you on being intensely thoughtful about entering into another. I've been with my SO for 6 years and we aren't engaged or married. We have a great relationship (MUCH MUCH better than my relationship with my ex) but I'm still not up to getting married again. I don't see us breaking up so if we were to get married I'm pretty sure it would be forever but I'll see how we are after 10 years together. lol

 

[cabanafrau]

I read that if you are likely to walk away from one marriage then it's much easier to walk away from the next marriage. I can see where they are coming from but I'm with you on being intensely thoughtful about entering into another. I've been with my SO for 6 years and we aren't engaged or married. We have a great relationship (MUCH MUCH better than my relationship with my ex) but I'm still not up to getting married again. I don't see us breaking up so if we were to get married I'm pretty sure it would be forever but I'll see how we are after 10 years together. lol

Some of the people that I was referring to that I know personally haven't married again either, but they are in life partner relationships and treat their commitment accordingly.

 

[Hikergirl]

All of the people I know that are on their 2nd marriages have outlasted their first by many many years. Sure they could still get divorced but it doesn't seem likely for them.

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

It occurred to me while reading the other thread that apparently 2nd marriages are more likely to fail than first, and the divorce numbers skyrocket for subsequent marriages. The DIS data seems to buck that trend though - lots of posters, including myself, report being in successful, long-term 2nd marriages (22 years and going strong for us).

I know from experience 2nd marriages have complex challenges but honestly, very few people I know divorce their 2nd spouses compared to how many first marriages fail. Why does that not seem to line up with the stats?

My first marriage failed because we were married because of DD#1, and he was abusive. Neither of us in love, and not happy, and being just out of high school, we weren't ready to "adult". We were both at fault, to some extent, and I take my share of the blame for us failing (he doesn't, however; it's all on me in his mind).

My second marriage is an improvement. We're celebrating our 26th year together at the beginning of February, and our 18th wedding anniversary this coming August.

My ex is planning his 3rd wedding. His second wife, who had the same first and last maiden name as me, but spelled differently (and was a year behind me in school) was gone before their 2 year mark. He was just as awful with her as he was to me. His 3rd wife is a stone cold witch, according to DD#1. This is his 7th engagement; the 2nd was to the woman he cheated on me with while I was having DD; the 3rd was his 2nd ex; the 4th left after 6 months of abuse; the 5th cut and run when she saw he wasn't getting any of mommy's money anymore; and the 6th he broke off, because she was busy partying while he was laying in the hospital with organ failure. (DD thinks I need to know what is going on in her sperm donor's life, and no matter how much I say I don't want to know, she keeps talking.)

 

[mi*vida*loca]

Some of the people that I was referring to that I know personally haven't married again either, but they are in life partner relationships and treat their commitment accordingly.

When I said "I'll see how we are after 10 years together" I meant that I will probably be more inclined to get married after that mark. But more likely once my youngest graduates. I just don’t see the need at this time. We are happy and enjoying Our relationship.

 

[MaryLovesPoohBear]

At our wedding, we had two different guests that had each been married 3 times. Neither are still married.

We know two other couples, where at least one partner has been married and divorced. Both couples are still married, but they live very different lives. Like one travels extensively or spends more than a couple of nights a week at another house (family or the like.) So much so, that at least one partner has indicated that they are more like friends with benefits.

Our other friends are either happily married to their first spouse or are quiet about their "first marriage."

 

[cabanafrau]

When I said "I'll see how we are after 10 years together" I meant that I will probably be more inclined to get married after that mark. But more likely once my youngest graduates.

I know a few people who are holding off on matters pertaining to their relationship and/or residential status until their kids are settled into college life. I know it's not always easy for them, but they've come up with plans that focus on getting their kids launched and being able to make long-term plans mostly focused on their relationship. Two of them happen to be sisters in similar boats who made their choices of how to handle their situations based on the mess their brother wound up in when he remarried with his kids and her kids living with them part-time. The strain was more than that marriage could handle and they all wound up hurt by the split.

 

[willowsnn3]

A friend of my sister is actively looking for husband #5. She 'doesn't want to be alone'. All except the second marriage (the one with kids) were short lived.

My ex sister in law (now in her 80s) is on her 6th husband. Thank goodness he is a good man as she developed dementia several years ago and he really takes good care of her.

 

[Simba's Mom]

It occurred to me while reading the other thread that apparently 2nd marriages are more likely to fail than first, and the divorce numbers skyrocket for subsequent marriages. The DIS data seems to buck that trend though - lots of posters, including myself, report being in successful, long-term 2nd marriages (22 years and going strong for us).

I know from experience 2nd marriages have complex challenges but honestly, very few people I know divorce their 2nd spouses compared to how many first marriages fail. Why does that not seem to line up with the stats?

Both DH and I were married before, and we've been married to each other for 35+ years. His first marriage was 7 years, mine 4. Lots of our friends don't even know ours is a second marriage. I've also seen the statistics of second marriages having a higher divorce rate, but it never made sense to me. In our case, and I think most cases, we both learned so much about what NOT to do first time around.

 

[Turn the Page]

I know a few people who are holding off on matters pertaining to their relationship and/or residential status until their kids are settled into college life. I know it's not always easy for them, but they've come up with plans that focus on getting their kids launched and being able to make long-term plans mostly focused on their relationship. Two of them happen to be sisters in similar boats who made their choices of how to handle their situations based on the mess their brother wound up in when he remarried with his kids and her kids living with them part-time. The strain was more than that marriage could handle and they all wound up hurt by the split.

I have heard that this is a very common reason so many second marriages fail. Something like 60-70% of second marriages when children are involved from previous relationships end in divorce due to the intense stress and strain blended family issues inherently come with. It is a real struggle and one that is extremely difficult to navigate.

 

[Jennasis]

First marriage was 7 months. Current marriage, together 17 years and married for 12 and going strong.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

In my circle, it’s a mixed bag. Plenty of successful 2nd marriages (more successful 1st marriages), but also plenty of failed 2nd AND 3rd marriages.

 

[cabanafrau]

I have heard that this is a very common reason so many second marriages fail. Something like 60-70% of second marriages when children are involved from previous relationships end in divorce due to the intense stress and strain blended family issues inherently come with. It is a real struggle and one that is extremely difficult to navigate.

I haven't walked in those shoes, but I would imagine it's a minefield. Parenting issues can be rough when it's just the two married parents of the kids involved.

 

[Turn the Page]

I haven't walked in those shoes, but I would imagine it's a minefield. Parenting issues can be rough when it's just the two married parents of the kids involved.

A very common tale is the kids have baggage from the divorce/separation, the parents feel guilty for splitting up the kids' family so they let the kids get away with really horrible behavior, the stepparents are told "you knew your spouse had kids when you married them so stop being petty and deal with it. The kids come first."

Therapists and psychologists who work extensively with blended family situations have noted that while the kids generally don't have a say in who their parent married they do have tremendous power to break that marriage up. It's a really difficult and yet interesting dynamic. We see threads here all the time where stepparents are having trouble in their blended families and asking for advice and they are told it's none of their business, they aren't a parent, butt out, the kids come first, etc. Letting the stepkids get away with behavior that would NEVER be condoned in an intact family situation. It makes it very difficult for a blended family to succeed.

 

[luvsJack]

My first was 5 years. Dh and I have been married almost 30. My two young sons became his and he has loved and treated them like his own. And we have Dd together. For me, I never thought "oh I can just leave if it doesn't work out". My kids were older and adored him. We are best friends. And there was just a deeper level of commitment.

My oldest son and his wife have both been married twice before. They have been best friends since high school and both say they found their "happily ever after". I was afraid of them being less committed since they have "been there done that" but it's not that way at all.