Spin off of age to get married.....My step-daughter is getting married Saturday

[Westcoastwild]

He has not "hands off" (no offense taken) His kids have been taken on all family vacations and included in all events at our home. She wanted us to pay for part of the wedding but told us she did not want our opinion or advise about any of it as she "has to be in control of my special day." After he voiced his concerns to her, she would not accept and monetary help for the wedding and has cut ties. Really, Really childish. I would not tell my husband to keep his mouth shut. He is not my child! lol



Possibly

Ok, well, if you'd included that all in your first post, it changes the picture almost entirely. She's definitely not mature and has no concept of what marriage entails. She's likely just doing it because of the whole "grownup" wedding glamour. I never understood that. Marriage and kids are worth the sacrifices (the unglamorous drudgery) but man, are there ever sacrifices.

Fair point about your husband not being your child lol. Personal bias involved, I'll admit- my (very honest, realistic) dad would have alienated the entire family at this point if it weren't for my mother's diplomacy.

 

[sk!mom]

I'm surprised that so many have such strong opinions with such thin details.

Yes, I think that 19 is too young and an engagement after one in person meeting seems crazy.

However, how did dad go about stating his disapproval? What kind of relationship did they have previously? Has he tried to mend things once it was clear that she was going to marry anyway?

I'd need to know more before I could be sure of my opinion. Maybe because DH and I married at 18 after knowing one another for 4 months. 37 years later and it's really been a great marriage. Would I have wanted my kids to marry so young? nope. But our circumstances weren't theirs.

 

[mummabear]

OP- I think I would try one last time before the wedding to make it clear that you would really like to be there.
If she says no I would still send a gift with a note stating how much you would have liked to be there to celebrate with her.

 

[tinah159]

I'm surprised that so many have such strong opinions with such thin details.

Yes, I think that 19 is too young and an engagement after one in person meeting seems crazy.

However, how did dad go about stating his disapproval? What kind of relationship did they have previously? Has he tried to mend things once it was clear that she was going to array anyway?

I'd need to know more before I could be sure of my opinion. Maybe because DH and I married at 18 after knowing one another for 4 months. 37 years later and it's really been a great marriage. Would I have wanted my kids to marry so young? nope. But our circumstances weren't theirs.

They had a good relationship before the engagement. We even invited him to visit in our home so they could spend time together. Her grandparents (who are not invited either)went to pick him up as neither have a car and he does not have a drivers license. The delivery of our concern was done very matter-of-fact. My husband and I are both in law enforcement and really don't sugar coat very much. They asked for help paying for the wedding and my husband wanted to have a candid conversation with them before the whole wedding planning fever took over. This is not just a wedding, this is a marriage, a lifetime commitment. She took offense to everything.

 

[tinah159]

Her paternal grandparents are also not invited. They have never had any conflict or issues with her. They are very gentle people who would not voice their opinion unless asked. There is no reason to hurt them that way. They are elderly and drove 3 hours with her to bring him to visit. So very sad for them.

 

[tinah159]

Thanks everyone for your responses. On a lighter note, her 14 year old sister is the maid of honor. She is walking down the aisle with a pit bull. Yes, a dog. The rest of the wedding party are kids from her church. They have no friends their age. Maybe I should be glad not to witness this wedding!

 

[tinah159]

OP- I think I would try one last time before the wedding to make it clear that you would really like to be there.
If she says no I would still send a gift with a note stating how much you would have liked to be there to celebrate with her.

We will!

 

[rajak73]

Let's see....19....same age that DW and I were married. During pre-marriage counseling with the pastor, he said he didn't think we were compatible.....hummmm......well that was 43 years ago. Each has to make up their mind about marriage, I don't think there is a certain "age" to wait to get married, some are ready at 20 some are not ready until 30. JMHO...

 

[DaisyJ]

Let's see....19....same age that DW and I were married. During pre-marriage counseling with the pastor, he said he didn't think we were compatible.....hummmm......well that was 43 years ago. Each has to make up their mind about marriage, I don't think there is a certain "age" to wait to get married, some are ready at 20 some are not ready until 30. JMHO...

These two kids are not ready to be married, in any way, shape or form.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay.... If I am reading correctly, the Grandmother and the mother are 'tight', live close together, if not together, and now the daughter is supposed to continue this cycle...
I am going to kind of assume that this cycle started even two or three more generations back.
WOW...

I am so sorry, OP.
It sounds like the girls mother has used this situation to create more barriers between the girl and her father, and to foster more isolation, dependency and control.

I would not continue with the child support....

If your DH, and yourself, did want to continue to help support his daughter, remember, at this point, that money is his only leverage.
If she gets the $$$$, no questions asked, absent of any relationship... then that is enabling the whole situation.

 

[sk!mom]

They had a good relationship before the engagement. We even invited him to visit in our home so they could spend time together. Her grandparents (who are not invited either)went to pick him up as neither have a car and he does not have a drivers license. The delivery of our concern was done very matter-of-fact. My husband and I are both in law enforcement and really don't sugar coat very much. They asked for help paying for the wedding and my husband wanted to have a candid conversation with them before the whole wedding planning fever took over. This is not just a wedding, this is a marriage, a lifetime commitment. She took offense to everything.

Now that you've filled in details, it does sound like a hot mess. I would quit paying child support on her, of course, since she's chosen to be an adult. I wouldn't offer opinions since, again, she's chosen to be an adult. I would let her know that you love her and wish the very best for them on their life together. At this point, I would offer love and kind words but no more opinions or money.

I would have refused to contribute financially to a wedding for two unemployed/underemployed people. I would not have made it about age or lack of dating experience. My objection would have been based on- I won't help you marry until you have a solid plan of self-support in place. Divorces are hard though, in that your DH's refusal is taken very negatively when her mom is apparently rubber stamping it. It's a chance for mom to be the hero. It sounds as if her mom is going to enable whatever decisions she makes.

I'm very sorry that it's gone that way but when we give our opinions, we have to accept the consequences. The consequence of my DD not speaking to me would not have changed my decision to withhold support until they were fully employed. Hopefully, with time, the relationship can be repaired.

 

[nkereina]

I don't know that there's a hard age where you are ready or not. I've heard of successful marriages that occur at 19. I know some people who were mature enough at 19. DH and I started dating when I was 19. Some people may be ready at 19, some people may be ready at 30. I do agree the likelihood of someone being ready at 19 is slimmer than say 25 or 30, but it doesn't mean it's a sure disaster waiting to happen.

That said, I agree with the PPs who said that your DH should reiterate his unconditional love for his DD and support her, even if he doesn't agree with her choices. Whether this works out or not, it's an important event in her life and they will both regret it forever if he's not present. She's an adult now and often adults need to learn life lessons the hard way. This may be one of those cases, but hopefully everyone is hoping for the best. Good luck to all of you!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

He tried to make up with her. He send Valentines day cards and gifts, (as he always does) with a note attached. He told her how much he loves her and that sometimes families disagree but there will always be love. No response. We will always be here for her. I guess will will just have to wait for her to mature a little!

He needs to continue to try until....

Send a GIFT and CARD anyway. Like it or not she is getting married.

My thing is, what do you want to look back and see? She will be an mature adult eventually.

My motto for things that are celebratory is WWJAD? (What would Jane Austen do? ) As a matter of saving the relationship down the road, follow basic etiquette, even though you are "cut out" at the moment. A gift and card is a small gesture and would probably be welcome esp. if it is cash.

If you want to punish and give nothing, you reap what you sow. Be the adult. Teach the children how to move forward in this mess.

Selfishness must always be forgiven you know, because there is no hope of a cure. Jane Austen
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/janeausten397180.html

 

[luvsJack]

The thing is with young marriages, either they grow together or they grow apart. When DS married at 19, I told him that a lot would change between the ages of 19 and 21. They were either going to grow and mature and want the same things out of life or the opposite would happen. The same will happen for your step-dd. Maybe they really will grow together.

Sounds like she needs to get away from her Mother some but without options that isn't going to happen. It really sounds sad for the dd, to me. Because one day, he could be the one to grow up and realize this isn't what he wants. Then what will she do?

Also, is he on medication for his depression?

 

[lifesavacation]

What's done is done. She'll need a soft place to land and a shoulder to cry on if this doesn't work out. I agree with everyone that said to make it clear that you are there to love and support her.

ETA: Dh and I got married at 20 and are about to celebrate our 24th wedding anniversary. I would never want my kids to marry at 20! Should they decide to marry young, I would talk with them without judgment and then do everything I can to support the marriage.

 

[DizBelle]

Your story makes sense for why you are concerned, but I'll be honest I hate how people seem to think that a relationship is doomed due to age.

I got married at 22 yes that is young but we had also been dating for 6 years and had known each other for 4. 2.5 of those years I was away and college and the relationship was long distant. The number of people that said it wouldn't last 6 months was infuriating.

We have now been married over 8 years.

How do you date for 6 years but only know each other for 4?

 

[DaisyJ]

How do you date for 6 years but only know each other for 4?

Maybe they had known each other for four years before they started dating? The wording is confusing.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I think ACA compliant plans allow married "kids" to remain on parents' policies.

The only ones I know of where if you get married you're kicked off is if you're under military or whatnot. Step-father-in-law is retired navy and they have tricare for insurance. Once my sister-in-law got married she was removed from the medical insurance. She was 19 when she got married. I don't know if that's the case for all military stuff or if it was just how their policy was.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

He has not "hands off" (no offense taken) His kids have been taken on all family vacations and included in all events at our home. She wanted us to pay for part of the wedding but told us she did not want our opinion or advise about any of it as she "has to be in control of my special day." After he voiced his concerns to her, she would not accept and monetary help for the wedding and has cut ties. Really, Really childish. I would not tell my husband to keep his mouth shut. He is not my child! lol



Possibly

I will admit I get both sides of the situation here. Input from a parent can carry a lot of weight but if it comes off in a "you're crazy you're going to find out just how bad of a decision you've made, you're not ready, etc" well yeah that can turn the person the other direction..right towards those who already fully support their decision.

I get that your husband has sent valentine's day cards and gifts but depending on how it all went down and how she actually feels it could seem more of an insincere attempt at reconciliation. Almost like "hey here's a card and gifts (even if that is the norm)...forgive me now??". Obviously none of us are actually involved in the situation so it's a bit hard to really get an understanding of the full situation.

Believe me my sister-in-law (now 20) and her husband (now 21) are not ready for the full marriage life even after having been married for over a year and are still be heavily supported by their families (just last week the sister-in-law asked for gas money from her mom....) and we all knew they didn't have the maturity aspect but as controlling as the mother-in-law can be she fully supported her daughter. I personally don't like how financially dependent the kids are but 99% of it is due to how they were raised not their age.

And with no offense meant but when you say "she would not accept and monetary help for the wedding and has cut ties. Really, Really childish." that comes across (at least to me) like the it was either your and your husband's way or the highway and because she didn't accept financial assistance and decided to not invite you guys to the wedding you view her as childish. It could very well be that to her it wasn't worth the stress, the worry, the feeling of not having support for her dad and whatever led to the fallout to invite you guys to the wedding and honestly it could be that not inviting her grandparents (even though I totally feel for the grandparents) was just easier than having them there but not you and her dad. ETA: I get that there was the issue of her wanting financial assistance without the input (maybe she viewed that as trying to control the situation since she found out you guys didn't approve of the wedding so she decided to go without financial assistence and you guys)..but TBH that to me is a whole different issue/thread of giving financial assistance=you get input/heavy input into the wedding but no need to open that can of worms lol.

Generally speaking people aren't like light switches. Emotions and feelings and past issues generally can't just be turned off many times. It appears as if you wanted it to be fixed enough where you could be invited to the wedding but that may have been unrealistic given what she has going on in her mind. It may have not been enough time and regardless of your viewpoint on the marriage the aspect of time needed should be respected. Perhaps after the wedding when things have had a time to adjust you guys might all be able to reconcile.

Now for sure there are issues on the bio mom's side so yeah TBH it's an all around mess I agree.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ummmmm, okay...