Spin off of age to get married.....My step-daughter is getting married Saturday

[sonnyjane]

My BFF got married two years ago and I told her straight up not to marry him. I gave her all of my reasons and she told me I was right but she was going to marry him anyway. Two years, an STD, two kids she found out he had and him being charged with sexual assault, she finally left him and filed for divorce. Only to get back with him two months later. If I hadn't had said something I would've felt like crap. Now we don't talk much and I think it's the embarrassment of her taking him back and I haven't even given her my opinion on her reconciling. Whenever she's ready I'm here.

Sigh. I have this exact same friend.

 

[anniemae]

I don't see how you could have NOT said anything. At least you can take comfort in the fact that you tried to warn her. She will learn. Eventually.

 

[mom2rtk]

I don't see how you could have NOT said anything. At least you can take comfort in the fact that you tried to warn her. She will learn. Eventually.

I agree. But with a wedding already planned this weekend, I think it's time to remind her how much he loves her in spite of not supporting her decision, and a reminder that he's always there for her.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It was interesting to read the best age to get married thread. My step-daughter is getting married on Saturday, and we are not invited. The story is, she is 19 years old and her dad told her he thought she was far too young to get married. She met her fiancee online 2 years ago. They had a Skype relationship until last year when he came to visit and get to know each other better. (He lives 2 hours away) After the visit he proposed to her. Her dad and I feel she is far too young for marriage, partly because she has had a very sheltered life thus far. She has been home-schooled and her only social interactions have been with church friends. She had never even been on a date with anyone until her fiancee came to visit last year. Now they are engaged, they both have part-time jobs, no health insurance (after the wedding she is no longer a dependent) and will begin their marriage living with her mother. When my husband voiced his objections to the marriage, she shut us out of everything. He is heartbroken. Maybe we should have kept our mouths shut and just "go with the flow" but this marriage is a recipe for disaster. Sorry so long..just venting

Do you guys want to play nice and make up since your dh is heartbroken?

I would at least send a card and gift to extend an olive branch if you are interested in a relationship with the couple.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

Your story makes sense for why you are concerned, but I'll be honest I hate how people seem to think that a relationship is doomed due to age.

I got married at 22 yes that is young but we had also been dating for 6 years and had known each other for 4. 2.5 of those years I was away and college and the relationship was long distant. The number of people that said it wouldn't last 6 months was infuriating.

We have now been married over 8 years.

I'm very happy you're still married after 8 yrs. Obviously you both had a long and solid relationship.
I met my husband when I was 24. I knew within a month, I would marry him. Lucky for me, he felt the same.
But after 30 years I will honest, there have been many times when staying together was so HARD!!

 

[Micca]

Well the age thing is a concern, but all the other variables mentioned (never having been on a date prior to soon-to-be groom) YIKES! I'd say the odds are very slim of this marriage surviving very long at all. Not much you can do except be there for her for whatever happens down the road. Seems a shame she's cut you out of the wedding though.

 

[STLDisney_Freak]

It was interesting to read the best age to get married thread. My step-daughter is getting married on Saturday, and we are not invited. The story is, she is 19 years old and her dad told her he thought she was far too young to get married. She met her fiancee online 2 years ago. They had a Skype relationship until last year when he came to visit and get to know each other better. (He lives 2 hours away) After the visit he proposed to her. Her dad and I feel she is far too young for marriage, partly because she has had a very sheltered life thus far. She has been home-schooled and her only social interactions have been with church friends. She had never even been on a date with anyone until her fiancee came to visit last year. Now they are engaged, they both have part-time jobs, no health insurance (after the wedding she is no longer a dependent) and will begin their marriage living with her mother. When my husband voiced his objections to the marriage, she shut us out of everything. He is heartbroken. Maybe we should have kept our mouths shut and just "go with the flow" but this marriage is a recipe for disaster. Sorry so long..just venting

I met my husband many moons ago at the tender age of 16. We met online in a chat room (is that even a thing still this day? ). When I turned 17 he came to visit a few times before he eventually moved here. He proposed to me after he moved and I said yes, but we waited till I legally turned 18. I had never been on a date with anyone else. He was a first of many of my first experiences for me. This October we will celebrate 20 years of marriage. We have two beautiful daughters. Would I want my daughters to get married at 18? Probably not and I'm pretty sure my parents didn't want me getting married at 18 either. My parents never really said anything to me. They let me make the choices that I thought was best for me. In the end it worked out for us. I'm realistic though and know it doesn't work out for everyone. It does take a lot of work.

 

[Sabeking]

I believe the odds are against them but you never know, they may surprise you and I hope they do. I understand the conversation your husband had to be said. I would try to extend an olive branch so you can be there if it doesn't work. Good luck!

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, I am so sorry that your husband, and you, are going thru this with his daughter!!!
VERY tough situation!

I just wanted to add, at this point in the conversation... If the young lady's mother does have decent insurance and allows for the daughter (and by-proxy, the new husband) Then I would imagine that she would insure them if reasonably possible.

Given the info and history (homeschooling, had not dated, possible social isolation) the mother is okay with this, and is having the newlyweds right there in her home, with one big reason.... She maintains control. These young people are dependent on her, and she gets to continue to be the biggest factor in their lives. I go out on a limb and throw this out here, because, this is a personality disorder that I am somewhat knowledgeable and experienced with.

 

[tinah159]

I'm interested: presumably the mother is the one who gave her the sheltered upbringing? What was her reaction to this? I would have expected it to be much worse than your husbands.

There's nothing you can do. I get that you felt the need to say something, but at that age, sometimes they've got to make their own mistakes. It could very well be that the girl doesn't see a foreseeable future that involves full time jobs with benefits. Did your husband really expect her to have that before marriage? I don't really see the difference between being married and unmarried in that situation. (To clarify, I think the relationship sounds doomed, I just think the emphasis you've put on her age and health insurance and living situation is weird).

Yes, its sounds a little weird when I reread the post. My husband didnt expect her to have complete financial stability. He had hoped she would go to school to be able to provide for herself in the future. Her goal is to be a stay at home mom, which is great, but her fiancee is only working part-time at Starbucks. (He has depression) Her dad and I tried to tell her she needs to set herself for success to meet that goal. Also, she has been living with her mom but has now bought a travel travel to live in, in her mom and grandmothers front yard. The financial issues arise as her father is still paying 1000.00 per month child support. That ends with the marriage.

 

[tinah159]

That assumes that the relationship between father and daughter was healthy otherwise, though. Divorced and remarried? That can leave a lot of scars. Kid homeschooled by mom? That raises a few red flags. It doesn't sound like she's mature, true, but that doesn't necessarily make her father the responsible, kind adult. They may be both at fault.

The relationship was healthy. She was home-schooled by her grandmother. Both her parents have remarried. They were divorced 15 years ago. There possible is fault on ALL sides. My husband is a police detective and does not sugar-coat very many things! Her mother has raised them that nobody should hurt their feelings, have a different opinion, or different religion.

 

[arminnie]

I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from.

But as an older person (70s) I have been proven wrong so many times. Many of my friends married at 19 and have had some of the most happy marriages I've ever seen. One friend knew her DH for 6 weeks before they married. They have now been happily married for 50+ years.

Another friend (smart as a whip) married a not so smart delivery boy at 18 with the objective of being just a mom. She went on to have a fabulous internationally recognized career (never went to college) and is still in love with her DH who also managed to do better.

I'd say that I probably know 30 people who married very, very young - sometimes as young as 17 who went on to have long term happy successful marriages. I hope for the best for your SD.

Me - I married very, very, very late - decades after my friends. I am extremely happy and an early marriage would have NEVER worked for me. But I acknowledge that it does work for some.

 

[Westcoastwild]

Yes, its sounds a little weird when I reread the post. My husband didnt expect her to have complete financial stability. He had hoped she would go to school to be able to provide for herself in the future. Her goal is to be a stay at home mom, which is great, but her fiancee is only working part-time at Starbucks. (He has depression) Her dad and I tried to tell her she needs to set herself for success to meet that goal. Also, she has been living with her mom but has now bought a travel travel to live in, in her mom and grandmothers front yard. The financial issues arise as her father is still paying 1000.00 per month child support. That ends with the marriage.

Oh, I SEE.

I've got a much clearer view of the situation. Well, I'm sure the extra thousand has been pointed out by her mother and your stepkid might just see that as a nonissue. Who knows how much of that money she actually "sees".

I'm pretty sure this will resolve itself. She will realize that it takes serious money to be a stahm and she'll either divorce the guy or find a way to make ends meet.

I think to most 19 year olds money isn't a real thing because they aren't seeing the money they earn disappear as utility and grocery money. On the other side of the equation- the boy she married might just step up and develop a work ethic. Part time Starbucks pay goes much farther as a single young person than it does for someone with dependents and necessary expenses.

I mean this in no way as a criticism, but if your husband is kind of hands off (which it sounds like he might be other than child support) I probably would have just told him to keep his mouth shut because there is no way any of his commentary would have been construed as constructive by the kid and all that it might do is get you uninvited from the kid's family life.

 

[tinah159]

People "minded their own business" when I married the second time and kept their mouth's shut over some really disturbing evidence that shouldn't have been ignored. Say your peace, it may really help. But I hope that something can be done to mend the relationship. Sending you positive thoughts.

My dd is 23. She never had a boyfriend in high school...she was more than a little dorky, with low self-esteem. Well...she got to college, and bloomed. And of course, fell for the first guy to show an interest (2 months after starting classes!). She has been with him ever since! She is a beautiful young lady...far from her former dorky self!! This young man flamed out of college, fall of his senior year. He has severe anxiety issues. He has worked summer jobs only, at a nearby theme park. He has allowed his parents to basically support him. Dd moved to Orlando to do the College Program at WDW. She knew she wasn't coming home, since she graduated college last May. Okay, we're good with that. The boyfriend moved down in mid-Jan. Hasn't worked yet!!! He just got a job at US/IoA, starting in June. Dd has an interview there this week...she's been done with the DCP for about 2 weeks now.
This relationship looks serious...and we are not pleased. This young man shows no ambition whatsoever. He stays up until 3am, playing video games, sleeps until 2pm!! He has the social graces of an amoeba!!! He is obviously uncomfortable with us (rightfully so at the moment!!). But, we have tried including him, buying him gifts when suitable. Never a thank-you..for anything. We took him to DL, as part of dd's graduation gift, last May. When my dd thanked us, at the airport when leaving CA, he quickly said 'Yeah, thanks!'. He has allowed our dd to pay for whatever he wants in Fl...leading to her inability to pay her bills.
Now...before anyone 'goes there'...we get it. She's an adult and can make her own choices. And she has. And they have been pretty crappy ones so far. While we blame her for allowing this to go on (she should have been telling him no, I can't afford to do that), we put some of the blame at his feet. He should have gotten a job when he got there and contributed to the expenses. But he didn't. Mommy and daddy paid his rent and car payment!!
So, I can well understand the OPs feelings. It's so hard to see our kids making bad choices. Especially when we know that they are going to lead to disaster. While I understand that there are 19 y/o's out there who are mature enough to marry and make a go of it, to think that a young woman, who has had no relationships what-so-ever, and met someone online, only to meet and get engaged, shortly after meeting in person? Then to cut her dad out of her life because he told her how he felt? I'm sorry. That's wrong. I've been brutally honest with my dd...she knows that no one in her family cares for her boyfriend, and the same goes for the majority of her friends. So, if she continues down this path, and gets hurt, she has no one to blame but herself. The same with OP's dd. But man, it's hard to sit by and watch. The only redeeming thing I can see happening is that the marriage will end badly. Dad and step-mom can be there to help pick up the pieces (with no I told you so's!!), and then be there when dd matures and is in a healthy relationship.
No one has said, but how old is the groom-to-be?

The fiancee is 19 also. He has some issues and was raised by his grandparents in a strict Catholic home. His mother was drug and alcohol dependent at his birth. His medical issues are part of the reason I am worried about health insurance. At my husbands job (he has the kids on insurance) when she is married, she is no longer a dependent, even if he is still paying child support. With that said, they will both be left with no coverage. That scares us. I wish you the best of luck with your situation. It is so hard.

 

[Westcoastwild]

The relationship was healthy. She was home-schooled by her grandmother. Both her parents have remarried. They were divorced 15 years ago. There possible is fault on ALL sides. My husband is a police detective and does not sugar-coat very many things! Her mother has raised them that nobody should hurt their feelings, have a different opinion, or different religion.

Well, marriage, inlaws, and raising children will disabuse her of those notions REAL fast, so I'd see this as a great chance for serious character growth

 

[tinah159]

Do you guys want to play nice and make up since your dh is heartbroken?

I would at least send a card and gift to extend an olive branch if you are interested in a relationship with the couple.

He tried to make up with her. He send Valentines day cards and gifts, (as he always does) with a note attached. He told her how much he loves her and that sometimes families disagree but there will always be love. No response. We will always be here for her. I guess will will just have to wait for her to mature a little!

 

[tinah159]

OP, I am so sorry that your husband, and you, are going thru this with his daughter!!!
VERY tough situation!

I just wanted to add, at this point in the conversation... If the young lady's mother does have decent insurance and allows for the daughter (and by-proxy, the new husband) Then I would imagine that she would insure them if reasonably possible.

Given the info and history (homeschooling, had not dated, possible social isolation) the mother is okay with this, and is having the newlyweds right there in her home, with one big reason.... She maintains control. These young people are dependent on her, and she gets to continue to be the biggest factor in their lives. I go out on a limb and throw this out here, because, this is a personality disorder that I am somewhat knowledgeable and experienced with.

Never thought of that!

 

[elaine amj]

((Hugs)) I hope that there is some way your husband can get reconnected wuth his daughter again. I agree with other PPs...he should let her know he is there for her no matter what and periodically extend an olive branch.

Another anecdote on early marriages - I was 21 when I married DH, 22 when I had my first child. We met when I was 19 and by the time I was 20, I had made up my mind he was the man I would marry (he knew from our first date). When we told my mother we wanted to get married, she was openly worried - telling me she wished I had a chance to experience the early 20s lifestyle.

While my mother voiced her concerns, she also let me know she would support my decisions and actively helped plan my wedding. I understood her concerns, explained how I felt and the reason I felt comfortable marrying young, and then we put it behind us (although I know she was concerned for some years after).

I never regretted getting married so young - 17 years married and counting and I don't feel like I missed out on anything. My feeling was (and still is) that if I found THE ONE - why should I waste time going around and kissing a bunch of frogs? A few years ago, my mother told me that at the tender age of 21, I had chosen the best husband in the world and I could have searched the world over and not found a better fit for me.

Funny thing is she got remarried in her 60s and I was very concerned because of the situation and the speed of their engagement. I did voice my concerns, but kept it pretty gentle. And reminded myself that she had trusted me to choose my husband when I was young and now I needed to trust her and be happy for her.

 

[tinah159]

Oh, I SEE.

I've got a much clearer view of the situation. Well, I'm sure the extra thousand has been pointed out by her mother and your stepkid might just see that as a nonissue. Who knows how much of that money she actually "sees".

I'm pretty sure this will resolve itself. She will realize that it takes serious money to be a stahm and she'll either divorce the guy or find a way to make ends meet.

I think to most 19 year olds money isn't a real thing because they aren't seeing the money they earn disappear as utility and grocery money. On the other side of the equation- the boy she married might just step up and develop a work ethic. Part time Starbucks pay goes much farther as a single young person than it does for someone with dependents and necessary expenses.

I mean this in no way as a criticism, but if your husband is kind of hands off (which it sounds like he might be other than child support) I probably would have just told him to keep his mouth shut because there is no way any of his commentary would have been construed as constructive by the kid and all that it might do is get you uninvited from the kid's family life.

He has not "hands off" (no offense taken) His kids have been taken on all family vacations and included in all events at our home. She wanted us to pay for part of the wedding but told us she did not want our opinion or advise about any of it as she "has to be in control of my special day." After he voiced his concerns to her, she would not accept and monetary help for the wedding and has cut ties. Really, Really childish. I would not tell my husband to keep his mouth shut. He is not my child! lol

Well, marriage, inlaws, and raising children will disabuse her of those notions REAL fast, so I'd see this as a great chance for serious character growth

Possibly

 

[elaine amj]

He tried to make up with her. He send Valentines day cards and gifts, (as he always does) with a note attached. He told her how much he loves her and that sometimes families disagree but there will always be love. No response. We will always be here for her. I guess will will just have to wait for her to mature a little!

Don't give up hope and encourage him when he gets down. He definitely should continue doing this - even without a response for as long as it takes. Don't be pushy and invade her space uninvited - my friend did this to his young adult daughters and it was incredibly unappreciated and they pushed him away even more. One daughter asked him to give her space and not call/text/see her for a bit. He continued to text every once in a while, and several times appeared at her house badgering her to talk to him. It was not good and upset her to no end. Just send occasional loving notes to let her know he continues to think of her. Might also be a good idea to reach out occasionally to the new husband too.