Special needs child how to explain to a 1st grader

[java]

My son has several special needs children in his class. One in particular is non-verbal, and physical. I want this to be an experience in compassion for my son. Right now he is calling him the "bad boy".
He is sitting on him at times*the special needs boy is sitting on my son- but in a non-violent way I think more of a social needs way.

My older son has a friend with Asperger's and this is not that. It's beyond. But I think my son can learn from this relationship.

So my ? is how do I explain it to a 1st grader. When I tried with the straight forward "his brain works different than yours" he didn't really understand it. He can't understand why he isn't getting in trouble for his behavior while his friends are doing less and are getting in trouble. How do I explain that?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I would reassure your son that if he feels the boy is doing anything he feels inappropriate that it is okay to tell the teacher to tell you. VERY IMPORTANT. (IOW--don't let you son thinks it is okay the boy does this due to a disability.)


For your boy--I would explian that the little boy cannot help being bad and isn't trying to be bad and your son shouldn't name call (by calling him the bad boy). Have him always call him by his name--and if he feels that the boy is doing something he shouldn't, it is okay to tell an adult.

However IMHO--it is not your 6yo's duty to ignore everything the little boy does just b/c of his disability and use his disability as an excuse.

I don't feel you should force a friendship. Tolerance, yes--friendship, no.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Sitting on your son is not acceptable. I would speak with the teacher and find out what is going on there first.

In other words you son is having something uncomfortable happen to him in class and he needs to be educated in handling this situation.
The best person to explain is the teacher. Then you can reinforce what she says.

 

[TwingleMum]

Everyone is different and special in their own way. Some children need to be taught how to be a friend. You can be like a friend coach. Just tell X "No" clearly and calmly explain "No sit"( when he sits on him). Simple words work best. Also explain to him that X might be a little frustrated because he can't talk and that maybe why he is more physical. Use something your son found difficult (tying shoes, reading etc..) tell him remember how you had trouble doing X and Mommy helped you. Well X needs extra help so try to be patient, thats being a good friend. The teacher should be monitoring a little better it sounds. Your son shouldn't be getting sat on.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with the other poster.
It is not okay for anyone to sit on anyone else.
Not even with 'special needs'.

The previous poster is correct.

Your son's personal space is important.
His school classroom should not be a place where he is in a situation where he is sat on by a 'bad boy'.

While you want your son to 'understand', and to be understanding.
And, while it is good for children to be 'helpful'.
You do not want your son to feel stressed, or obligated to another child.
It is not your son's responsibility to 'teach' a special needs child.

IMHO, I would question whether a regular (or what they are probably calling 'inclusion') classroom is an appropriate placement for a child who is non-verbal and who does not understand that you don't sit on people.

Where is the teacher and the SPED para??????

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I thought I mentioned it but I didn't--I agree with the sitting on your son is unacceptable.

That needs to stop immediately. Your son's safety and comfort is more important at this point!

 

[mcco5543]

Hi,
I'm a wheelchair user, since birth. I would just explain that because people are different they need to have different rules. Maybe you could point out different rules for behavior you have in your family than another family he knows. Also I would also not permit your son to refer to this child as the bad boy..not because of his disability but because it's name calling (which every kid does, still it's not nice). I'm all for having him tell the teacher if the child does anything to make your son uncomfortable. I'm also going to advise you to talk to your son's teacher about what the teacher/school has done to promote understanding of people's disabilities. I would even go as far as suggesting they bring in a disability awareness teacher to give a talk and do some simulations with the kids. I myself teach disability awareness seminars and would be happy to give you ideas for simulations that kids could do to "experience" having a disability (as much as one can experience it who doesnt' have it). Understanding on any level your son can is what's going to change things. But it's mostly up to the schoool and the teacher to promote the understanding in the school setting. Just keep encouraging your child to be nice to all people and keep saying out loud that everyone is different and different people need different rules. (does your son have older or younger siblings with different bedtimes, etc...?) that kind of thing. You obviously are a great mom to want to help your son understand and spare this other child any ridicule or strange looks from others and as someone from the disability community I'd like to thank you very much!

 

[koolaidmoms]

My son has several special needs children in his class. One in particular is non-verbal, and physical. I want this to be an experience in compassion for my son. Right now he is calling him the "bad boy".
He is sitting on him at times*the special needs boy is sitting on my son- but in a non-violent way I think more of a social needs way.

My older son has a friend with Asperger's and this is not that. It's beyond. But I think my son can learn from this relationship.

So my ? is how do I explain it to a 1st grader. When I tried with the straight forward "his brain works different than yours" he didn't really understand it. He can't understand why he isn't getting in trouble for his behavior while his friends are doing less and are getting in trouble. How do I explain that?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

There is a kids book My Friend with Autism. There are also other books that deal with friends who are deaf, blind, have Downs Syndrome or physically impaired.

Maybe starting to read those together to talk about all different kinds of special needs and how everyone learns things differently and at different paces. Talk about X's type of disablilities and ask your DS to imagine how hard it would be for him if he couldn't talk all day to tell everyone what he needs or if something is hurting him.

While your DS knows not to hit and sit on his friends when he wants their attention child X hasn't learned this yet and is trying to learn new ways to be friends but it takes X much longer to find new ways to communicate what X wants because X can't tell us exactly what X would like so sometimes he does things that are inappropriate. Child X doesn't always get punished for these choices because Child X is still learning new ways and as soon as X learns new ways to communicate X will get in trouble for these things too. It is just taking X quite a bit longer to get where your DS is.

So your DS needs to be patient with him but not allow X to hurt him or be physical with him. Have him see if he can figure out what X is trying to say to him. Does X want to play with him when X sits on him? So can your DS find a way to do that - roll a ball, talk to him without having X sit on him first for the attention.

I hope this makes sense. Just things I have done with my own kids.

 

[java]

Thanks for the tips. I am meeting with his teacher in 2 weeks and I'll mention this.

He is actually very good with other people with disabilities that he can identify-if that makes sense. We have close friends with a daughter in a wheelchair. She has Spina Bifida. He openly plays with her. We have a neighbor with Downs that he knows and plays with. I guess it's trying to explain that you never know who could have a special need.

Thank you for the book idea. I'll try that one! And I agree that it isn't an excuse for the boy to be hurting my son. But I don't think he's hurting him. Although the sitting on him is one we worked on today. How to tell him No I don't like that.

Thanks again!

 

[RitaE]

Well it is true that your child's classmate shouldn't be sitting on him, but keep in mind that it is common for all 1st grade boys to act physically. They push, they, shove, they wiggle...

Gosh I hope I just didn't boys do this, girls do that can of worms again.

I think that even at age 6 your child has an awareness that his classmate is unique. Stress to him that he isn't obligated to suffer being squished, but at the same time he just needs to recognize that because of the differences, the adults present are going to treat that particular child differently - so while he might get a lecture and a time out, that child most likely is going to just get redirected and that is perfectly okay. The teachers are just trying to help everybody learn.

I myself wouldn't get too concerned unless the behavior gets violent or starts disrupting the class often. I really wouldn't want to spend my alloted 20 minute teacher conference time discussing a different kid.

 

[pipersmom]

Because your son already knows people with obvious disabilities, the easiest way might be to explain hidden disabilities. When I talk to my daughter's classes (she has Cystic Fibrosis) this is the terminology I use and it seems to work well. I think when a child sees a child that "looks" normal, the thought of that child being disabled doesn't really enter into their mind, even if they're usually very empathetic. I also agree with the other posters as far as making sure he realizes that the other child sitting on him is not acceptable behavior, and that he should feel free to speak with his teacher when something like that happens. Hope this helps

 

[Schmeck]

Hi,
I would just explain that because people are different they need to have different rules.

I don't think this is a good suggestion, especially to a small child - as a part of society, we all follow the same rules (laws) and to say different people don't have to follow the same rules we do will only confuse the child, or let him think he doesn't have to follow the laws of society. He can just say he's 'different', so he doesn't have to cross on the crosswalk, wear a bike helmet, etc.

 

[mcco5543]

I don't think this is a good suggestion, especially to a small child - as a part of society, we all follow the same rules (laws) and to say different people don't have to follow the same rules we do will only confuse the child, or let him think he doesn't have to follow the laws of society. He can just say he's 'different', so he doesn't have to cross on the crosswalk, wear a bike helmet, etc.

Yes I see your point totally. I should have clarified. The reason I suggest mentioning that different people soemtimes have different rules becuase of their different abilities was not to suggest that everyone doesn't have to follow the same basic saftey laws of the united states. and I'm not sure a young child would even have the developmental or life experience to take it to that level and overgeneralize (this is in my elementary eductaion/teaching kids experience). I love the idea of explaining hidden disabilities as this is a huge issue in our society but I would keep reinforcing it as "hidden disability" is a concept that will be very abstract for a young child to understand. Keep teaching him and he'll get it though.

I only suggested the idea becuase at some point everyone has to learn that although we all follow the same basic societal rules, people's abilities need to be judged in a classroom according to their own capabilites and strengths. Educational rules can't be one size fits all. That's not fair to any child regardless of ability (or disability). ...The mom who posted this question though seems to be doing a fantastic job of helping her child navigate through learning about differences and I think it's awesoem!

 

[KirstenB]

Let your son know that some things are tricky for "x". Everyone has things that are tricky. Some people wear glasses, hearing aids, use a wheelchair, etc. "X" wants to be a friend, but this is tricky for him. Your son doesn't (obviously) have to be a guinea pig for X, but you're right, this is a good learning opportunity for your son. Our older dd has always been sort of a buddy to a boy with autism who goes to resource classes, ie, Art, Music, etc with her.

But he pulled her hair once in 1st grade (they're now in 6th). His aide immediately explained to her that things were tricky for him, and he didn't mean it. Over the years, she's just approached him here and there. His Mom came up to me recently, introduced herself, and started crying, saying how much she appreciated dd's kindness over the years. Ironically, our younger dd, who's 4 has autism. I now think "x" crossed paths with our older dd for a reason. He taught her compassion and empathy.

Anyway, TMI. But thanks for asking how your son can interact with this little boy.

 

[mcco5543]

Tricky is a brilliant and age/developmentally appropriate way to put it. I am going to use that when I try to explain things to little kids from now on! I always like having new ways to explain things! Thanks!

 

[minkydog]

My youngest son, Christian (14yo), is severely mentally handicapped, vision-impaired, and autistic. His disabilities are very obvious, even to very young children. I get questions from kids all the time and my response is along the lines of "Christian has a hard time learning things. But he likes to listen and he wants to be your friend." Of couse, i don't allow him to sit on anyone, or bite/slap/pull hair/push, etc. That is unacceptable behavior, no matter what your ability or disability is. And if the teacher is letting it slide "because he's handicapped' they aren't doing him any favors. And your son shouldn't be taught to put up with it, either. The excuse of "he's special" doesn't fly with me. They're all special, with or without a disability.

I know with Christian it has taken us many long years to teach and re-teach certain skills. One of my big hard & fast rules is No acting out at the table. Christian went through a long period of throwing his plate, throwing his cup, pulling over glasses, etc. Each and every time I removed him from the table. I will not put up with that behavior even if you IQ is 20! And guess what? He learned to behave himself at the table.

I promise you, if Christian (who functions on a 1-2yo level) can learn to behave, so can other more highly functioning children.

 

[dicar123]

I think it is quite normal for a 6 year old to call someone who hurts/harrasses him "bad". That IS bad behavior. I don't think you can teach him to feel compassion toward someone who is treating him badly.

The behavior MUST stop. I wouldn't wait two weeks to talk to the teacher.

I worked in a special needs preschool for awhile and we had one little boy with autism who pinched. Part of the kids learning to be tolerant of him hinged, I think, on our reaction.

We tried very hard to keep him from pinching. If he got by us, he was reprimanded and removed. The hurt child was given attention and care and we explained that we were working hard to teach him not to pinch, but learning to stop was very, very hard for him.

They saw that he was being taught to behave well like everyone else, but for this little boy something was different, it was harder for him somehow. When they had their emotional needs met by being cared for after a pinch, they seemed less likely to be resentful.

 

[Acklander]

I've always taught my kids that EVERYONE is born with challenges, and EVERYONE is born with gifts, some are just more visible than others. Ask your child what he considers his personal challenges, and what he considers his personal gifts. Then ask him what the other child's challenges are, and what his gifts are. Sometimes we have to work hard to find another's gift, but I teach my children to always look for the gift in each person.

 

[goofy4tink]

I know that in our school system, special needs kids usuallly have an aide assigned to them. But, we have a truly wonderful sped program here. So good that many people rent apts here just to be able to get their sped kids into the program.
This has led to some great opportunities to teach empathy to the younger kids. My dd, now almost 16, has had sped kids in most of her classes since kindergarten. But, none of the sped kids were allowed to act out towards anyone else.
There may not be aides in your situation. In that case, a talk with the teacher is in order. While there are always going to be situations where students react differently, they all must adhere to certain policies. Even those with special needs must be expected to respect others..hard, I realize. Especially if it's just the classroom teacher in that room.

 

[tw1nsmom]

DS has some mild developmental/learning issues. Following the rules has never been a problem for him. Quite the opposite. He's very compliant and kind and would likely do whatever an adult told him to do.

However, because he gets help along with children of varying needs, this has come up. I've always told my kids that the same rules apply for all kids, but that some kids take longer to learn the rules. I've also said that we are all unique and different, but that some people's brains work a little bit differently than everyone else. Hitting is NEVER ok. I've called the school and put a stop to it on more than one occasion. Of course, a couple of those happened when a typically developing child hurt my son, so it's a little off point.

You cannot demand that they provide more services to the child with the IEP. They can't even legally confirm who does and doesn't have an IEP. You can demand that they keep your child safe and that they whatever is needed to accomplish that. I have a little more leverage in some ways. I've called meetings ostensibly to demand a one-on-one aide to assure the safety of my DS. He does not need a one-on-one aide, the other child does. I have no legal right to demand that the other child get anything though. They got the message and more personnel was brought in the classroom to help out.

Encourage your DS to say something (in a firm, kind way)to the child and to the teacher when they aren't behaving. Something along the lines of "Johnny, please don't kick my desk..it's really bothering me" or "Jane, please give me my pencil back...it's not yours and it wasn't very nice of you to take it without asking." One of the great advantages to your son of being in an integrated classroom is learning empathy and patience. However, it would be doing a disservice to the other child to let them get away with bad behavior. Often children can learn socially acceptable behavior from other children much better than they can from an adult.