Son w/Asperger's wants to date...need perspective

[Luv Bunnies]

I need some serious perspective on this situation.

My DS16 has Asperger's and attends a specialized school. Several weeks ago, a new 15-year old girl joined his program. They immediately declared that they are boyfriend/girlfriend, and they spend all of their free time at school together. Today when I picked up my DS, they asked if they could go to the movies together. I need to sort out a few issues on this situation.

DS just had some evaluations at school for his trienniel review. His social/pragmatic/judgement scores range from an age equivalent of 14 1/2, down to 9 1/2 years old. He does not function well by himself out in the community. I have to remind him to look before he crosses the street since he's apt to just walk around in his own little world.

The girl has diagnoses of Asperger's, bi-polar, emotional disturbance and ADHD (her mother told me these things at the school's open house). She acts very, very young (wears a tiara all the time, carries stuffed animals, plays with toys). She was just released from a residential school before being placed at my son's school. They debated putting her in the emotionally distrubed program, but decided to give her a chance in the Asperger's program first. Apparently, she's prone to outbursts (again, her mother told me these things).

While I don't mind the kids having a friendship at school, I really don't want them to take it to a "dating" relationship. I certainly don't want it to get physical. They are well-supervised at school, and the staff allows them one "side-hug" each day before they go home. My son has asked if she can come to our house and play video games, but I don't feel comfortable supervising her, with her many disabilities and unpredictable behavior.

Neither of the kids likes to use the phone, and my son won't be driving anytime soon, so the kids really only see each other at school. I don't want to alienate my son by continually saying no, but I have to do what's best for him. When I asked him what it means to have a girlfriend. He said, "You know, it's someone to make out with." DH and I just don't think he's ready to have a girlfriend. The male hormones have definitely kicked in, but the judgement and social skills just aren't there for him to handle the situation appropriately. When you add in the girl's disabilities, we just don't think we should encourage a "dating" relationship between them.

Has anyone dealt with a situation like this? Again, the school friendship is fine with us. We're glad he's connected with someone in his class and has someone he likes to hang out with. However, we just don't think it's in his best interest to let this relationship move to another level. We're torn!

 

[kritter47]

As an adult with AS, I'd say let them "date" but take precautions like any parent of a dating teen - make them double-date or group date, or be in the same building at the same time. Then if they want to, let them progress to going out on their own.

I was not diagnosed until my late teens (though PDD-NOS had popped up with several people my mother took me to see when I was younger, AS was nowhere near as popular a diagnosis then and was almost never given to girls). They did, however, cycle through diagnoses of bipolar and ADD at times because of my socially inappropriate responses to things. I also acted very, very young and still do some times (if I thought I could get away with a dollhouse at my apartment, I'd be all over that in a heartbeat, and I still sleep with stuffed animals). But I'm also functionally independent, gainfully employed and all that now, so when you say she acts very young and has all these other diagnosis and is prone to "outbursts," it doesn't concern me personally because that's a way a lot of girls I know of act with AS at that age.

Both of them are growing up and need to feel out dating in the relatively protective environment of a family. They are going to need to and want to function somewhat independently one day, and that includes choosing their own friends and romantic relationships. Being able to do that now allows them to feel it out at only slightly later than their peers rather than being markedly behind that curve when they're older.

Perhaps you could take advantage of the fact that most kids with AS have a strict adherence to rules. Lay down the ground rules for a date, what you do and do not want to allow. Respond to his ideas about what a girlfriend is and clarify that it's not just someone to make out with. Set the who, what, where, when, why and what not.

You might thing he's too emotionally immature to date, but I think it's a great sign that he wants to, honestly. That's a socially appropriate thing for him to do at this age, and being in teenage-romance relationships now can give him all sorts of data to draw on in the future as an adult. Will the relationship end badly? Quite possibly, but most teenage relationships do, and again, that's a very appropriate thing for him to have to work through. As long as you make it very clear about the social/legal no-nos (something like, no matter what you might have seen on movies, she's not just teasing if she tells you to back off and being too affectionate with anyone in public makes others uncomfortable), I think it'd be a perfectly healthy thing for him to do.

Honestly, I never dated at that age but I wish I had. People are a lot more forgiving of you trying to stumble your way through something as confusing as romance and dating as a teenager than they are as an adult. It might not be the world's most perfect relationship, but no teenage relationship is perfect. Most are entirely dysfunctional and fall apart quickly, as this one might. But it will give him all sorts of experiences to draw on in the future.

May I ask what's the worst thing you think could happen out of this?

 

[bookwormde]

Our kids devlopment is all over the place from delayed to advanced in different areas.

I would suggest asking your son's girlfirend's mom to come over and "visit" with you when her daughter is over for the first few times until you are comfortable. You should offer the same.

All of the secondary manefestation you name are all created by somewhere in her past (or present) an enviroment that was unsupportive and did not understand this girl and to some extend was abusive (although most of the time not intentionally). While patterned reactions can occur in times of stress or situations similar to the triggers, in a supportive enviroment, where the child is "accepted for who she is" the vast majority of the time these children do not manefest, and are just "aspie".

Remember every ASD child is different so do to assume she will be like you son. It can be very enlightening to watch to aspies togther, and when it "clicks" it is almost magical.

As for dating, maintaning a oversight structure for some time is important, as is both parnets having a "logical" talk the each of your children about dating, rules, respect and sex and its implications.

bookwormde

 

[Beckypooh1972]

OP, as I read your post I could almost feel the dread and trepidation regarding this kind of relationship for your son.

My gut reaction was no, absolutely not, they're too young. But as I read the posts that followed, I thought they made a pretty good case.

The only thing not addressed that occurs to me is: will the relationship distract your son from his education? That would be a concern for me.

 

[My2CrazyGirls]

As an adult with AS, I'd say let them "date" but take precautions like any parent of a dating teen - make them double-date or group date, or be in the same building at the same time. Then if they want to, let them progress to going out on their own.

I was not diagnosed until my late teens (though PDD-NOS had popped up with several people my mother took me to see when I was younger, AS was nowhere near as popular a diagnosis then and was almost never given to girls). They did, however, cycle through diagnoses of bipolar and ADD at times because of my socially inappropriate responses to things. I also acted very, very young and still do some times (if I thought I could get away with a dollhouse at my apartment, I'd be all over that in a heartbeat, and I still sleep with stuffed animals). But I'm also functionally independent, gainfully employed and all that now, so when you say she acts very young and has all these other diagnosis and is prone to "outbursts," it doesn't concern me personally because that's a way a lot of girls I know of act with AS at that age.

Both of them are growing up and need to feel out dating in the relatively protective environment of a family. They are going to need to and want to function somewhat independently one day, and that includes choosing their own friends and romantic relationships. Being able to do that now allows them to feel it out at only slightly later than their peers rather than being markedly behind that curve when they're older.

Perhaps you could take advantage of the fact that most kids with AS have a strict adherence to rules. Lay down the ground rules for a date, what you do and do not want to allow. Respond to his ideas about what a girlfriend is and clarify that it's not just someone to make out with. Set the who, what, where, when, why and what not.

You might thing he's too emotionally immature to date, but I think it's a great sign that he wants to, honestly. That's a socially appropriate thing for him to do at this age, and being in teenage-romance relationships now can give him all sorts of data to draw on in the future as an adult. Will the relationship end badly? Quite possibly, but most teenage relationships do, and again, that's a very appropriate thing for him to have to work through. As long as you make it very clear about the social/legal no-nos (something like, no matter what you might have seen on movies, she's not just teasing if she tells you to back off and being too affectionate with anyone in public makes others uncomfortable), I think it'd be a perfectly healthy thing for him to do.

Honestly, I never dated at that age but I wish I had. People are a lot more forgiving of you trying to stumble your way through something as confusing as romance and dating as a teenager than they are as an adult. It might not be the world's most perfect relationship, but no teenage relationship is perfect. Most are entirely dysfunctional and fall apart quickly, as this one might. But it will give him all sorts of experiences to draw on in the future.

May I ask what's the worst thing you think could happen out of this?

GREAT post! Worst thing that could happen is probably pregnancy or it can end badly and one or both of them would have some major emotional stuff to get through. I would worry about those things. But I agree they should be able to see each other outside of school.....supervised to start.

 

[Forevryoung]

GREAT post! Worst thing that could happen is probably pregnancy or it can end badly and one or both of them would have some major emotional stuff to get through. I would worry about those things. But I agree they should be able to see each other outside of school.....supervised to start.

That's all age appropriate.

In addition to what everyone else says, I would definitely find a professional specialized in "sexual relationships" among those with developmental disabilities and consult with him/her. When your son gets older, they can make the determination of "consenting" vs "non consenting" adult including whether or not they are aware of the potential consequences of their actions (pregnancy...).

At this point in time, the professional should be able to provide ideas and education for both you and your son as you navigate this. I know that our local autism center has provided assistance with such things to families/teenagers in our area.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

OP, as I read your post I could almost feel the dread and trepidation regarding this kind of relationship for your son.

My gut reaction was no, absolutely not, they're too young. But as I read the posts that followed, I thought they made a pretty good case.

The only thing not addressed that occurs to me is: will the relationship distract your son from his education? That would be a concern for me.

Thanks to everyone for the advice.

The relationship affecting my son's education was an immediate concern for us. He's been at the specialized school for almost five years. Prior to meeting the new girl, he had been complaining about the behavior of the other kids in his program. He was getting tired of some kids picking on him, and enduring outbursts and bad behavior from others. We asked him if he was feeling ready to tour an Asperger's program at a public high school. He's going to be a junior next year and we were hoping he would be at least partially mainstreamed by then. He said he would like to look at the program and see what it's all about. That was a very positive step for him since he'd been resistant in the past. Since meeting the girl, he doesn't want any part of touring the public program. He says he doesn't want to leave his girlfriend, even for part of the day.

He is on track to earn a high school diploma, and we would like him to ultimately graduate from the public school rather than the specialized school. We would like him to experience a large high school environment (even though he would be in a specialized program). So, yes, we are concerned about this relationship affecting his education.

Another poster asked what's the worst thing I think could happen? He's already starting to turn away from the few other kids he got along with at his school. We want him to have a variety of friendships. In the most extreme situation - his school has a very strict sexual harassment policy. I don't want to see either of the kids get in trouble because they don't know what's appropriate. Worst case - pregnancy. We don't plan for them to have time alone, but stranger things have happened.

 

[summerw]

I think you got some great responses, especially from kritter. Maybe you could also talk to him about how you're worried he's losing the balance in his life. Maybe you could consider more outside school activities with the girl if you felt he wasn't neglecting other things, ie being willing to take the tour, seeing other friends once a week or whatever. If he's a Twilight fan, Bella's father gives a similar speech you could mention to help him relate.
I would definitely come to a consensus with the girl's mom too, so you're all on the same team. Sounds like they both have lots of people looking out for them.

 

[kritter47]

Thanks to everyone for the advice.

The relationship affecting my son's education was an immediate concern for us. He's been at the specialized school for almost five years. Prior to meeting the new girl, he had been complaining about the behavior of the other kids in his program. He was getting tired of some kids picking on him, and enduring outbursts and bad behavior from others. We asked him if he was feeling ready to tour an Asperger's program at a public high school. He's going to be a junior next year and we were hoping he would be at least partially mainstreamed by then. He said he would like to look at the program and see what it's all about. That was a very positive step for him since he'd been resistant in the past. Since meeting the girl, he doesn't want any part of touring the public program. He says he doesn't want to leave his girlfriend, even for part of the day.

He is on track to earn a high school diploma, and we would like him to ultimately graduate from the public school rather than the specialized school. We would like him to experience a large high school environment (even though he would be in a specialized program). So, yes, we are concerned about this relationship affecting his education.

Another poster asked what's the worst thing I think could happen? He's already starting to turn away from the few other kids he got along with at his school. We want him to have a variety of friendships. In the most extreme situation - his school has a very strict sexual harassment policy. I don't want to see either of the kids get in trouble because they don't know what's appropriate. Worst case - pregnancy. We don't plan for them to have time alone, but stranger things have happened.

"Turning away from the other kids" seems, again, like an age-appropriate thing with a kid in his first relationship. So does the not wanting to leave the girlfriend for any part of the day. Teenagers get utterly consumed in their relationships, and one of the things they learn is how to balance the rest of life with those feelings. Again, it seems like a perfect and age-appropriate time for him to learn these things.

My guess is he wants no part of this other program at this point because he sees school as the only time he gets to be around his girlfriend. If you set up time for him to see her otherwise, supervised or not, that may alleviate some of those fears. "We're not trying to take you away from her - we're going to let you see her in these other areas. But your education is the most important thing, so that takes priority." Honestly, I think his reaction is a wonderful, age-appropriate step for him and he's reacting in a way most kids do to these first relationships.

As for your worst-case, this is again where you take the advantage of his black/white logic and rule-following nature. Most AS people I know are insane rule-followers, so if you say "Here are the ground rules at school, here are the ground rules at home" etc., he will likely follow those much better than your average teenagers. He'll likely do even better with them if you explain the underlying logic. "School is a place for learning and being too affectionate with other people distracts from that, so the school only allows one side hug. They have XYZ rules that say ABC are not allowed. In public, you can hold hands or share a quick kiss or full hug, but anything more than that makes the people around you uncomfortable. At home ....etc."

Your concern about pregnancy is the fear of every parent of a teenager who ever dated. I honestly think you have less to worry about there than parents of average kids (I'm sorry, I hate the term neurotypical so very, very much) because AS kids tend to be rule-followers. Major emotional trauma from a breakup, brought up by someone else, is also something every parent of every teenager fears, but again, that's absolutely age-appropriate and something all of us will have to learn to cope with if we want to find a significant other at some point. Despite having AS, he's almost certain to want that at some point as an adult, especially as he shows signs of it now.

I think of it this way - he's 16 years old and will eventually be an adult who craves even more independence that he has right now. He will likely want a long-term girlfriend or a wife for companionship at some point. Anything he can do at an age appropriate level so that he doesn't have to stumble through learning through that later in life is a great, great sign and learning opportunity for him. Like I said, I wish I had had the opportunity for this at his age because it's such a great learning experience for things you can't teach in a school that are just as important to a happy life as an adult.

Finally, you might not think he's ready for any romantic relationships, especially with this girl, but in his mind, he's already in one with her. I think it's important to support him in that.

 

[bookwormde]

I will take the perspective that developing skills and compitency in social relationships is more important than acedemics and this area if not prioritized and up being the largest component of what may be the pratical disability to our children once they are on there own.

Balance is important, but as far as their education, functional curriculum is as or more important for our kids as acedemics, since acedemically they tend to be lifelong learners anyway.

bookwormde

 

[clanmcculloch]

Here's a different perspective to consider. Do you expect him to live with you his whole life or do you expect him to some day be independent and self-sufficient with his own place? If you expect him to some day be on his own then he needs to learn how to navigate these kids of social situations since he has typical feelings even if he doesn't know how to understand them or work with them. Right now, he has you as a safety net. While he has this safety net is the time for him to learn to navigate the complexities of social situations with girls.

I understand that they're both immature. So, chaperone them. Go to the movies with them and sit a few rows behind them. Have the girl and her mother over to hang out and once you're more comfortable with her you can have her over without her mother. When you feel comfortable with the level of chaperoning her mother does then allow him to hang out at her place. Go over the rules of situations as you agree to them. Make it clear to your son that his school work is a priority and that his progress in school is very much a condition of you supporting this relationship. Work with him on the balance. Work with him on learning how to navigate social situations. If you need help, ask the school to help with resources for Social Stories in your areas of concern.

 

[blondietink]

That's all age appropriate.

In addition to what everyone else says, I would definitely find a professional specialized in "sexual relationships" among those with developmental disabilities and consult with him/her. When your son gets older, they can make the determination of "consenting" vs "non consenting" adult including whether or not they are aware of the potential consequences of their actions (pregnancy...).

At this point in time, the professional should be able to provide ideas and education for both you and your son as you navigate this. I know that our local autism center has provided assistance with such things to families/teenagers in our area.

Yea that! Both students need education and evaluation at this point. Your son is 16, getting close to 17 where in many states he could be charged as an adult if someone yells "rape". I would not take any chances and would get him evaluated. If it turns out he is not-consenting to sexual activity at this time, then he would need more education and training to keep himself safe.

 

[C&G'sMama]

Let them date. I agree with those that say start out supervised. We have to let our kids be kids. On one hand you want him to be graduate from public school but at the same time when he wants to engage in a normal teenage activity (dating) you don't want him to do it. I know it's hard. My son with Asperger's is only 9 so I'm not there yet. My friends 17 yo daughter with Asperger's has been dating since she was 15.

We have to let them grow up but at the same time do our best to help them navigate it.

Good Luck!

 

[tinkslite]

My daughter was not diagnosed til age 13 despite our repeated efforts to figure out what was going on...
She is very delayed in the socio emotional area (9-14dev age, 16yrs 11mos. Chronological age)......her socio emotional "age" drops like a rock when she gets sleepy (which happens rapidly from 8:30 on).
She has two younger teen brothers who have begun casually dating in groups. She recently attended our church youth formal (similar to prom) with her brothers best friend (they doubled with bro and his young lady friend).
We have talked openly, for many years about teen dating (that all teen dating should be casual, supervised by adults, and happen mostly in groups). I have held her non aspire sibs to those standards, so it won't seem odd to her.
She recently started high school (her academic delays are2-5 years behind),in a new program for spectrum kids at our neighborhood hs. It is going really well, and we' e seen a lot of growth.
She now has a crush on a young man in the program. I haven't met him or his parents, but I told her she could invite him over after school to play vid games or watch a movie. I am an at home mom so that is a very supervised setting with her brothers and me present.......I think this is a normal and positive part of adolescence that just requires supervision and guidance......for all teens, not only those with "extra issues"

 

[J'aime Paris]

You sound like an over-protecctive mom, in a good way!

But your DS is acting EXACTLY like a 16 year old boy with hormones. He's interested in a girl. He wants to spend time with her. And of course he doesn't want to leave the school they both attend. Isn't that what you've been striving for his whole life? To fit in? To be socially similar to peers?

It seems you're nervous about all this. Take a deep breath.

I think supervised visits, maybe including the girls mom, would be a great way to oversee the relationship.

Best of luck! I know it's very hard to let our children spread their wings...

 

[buffettgirl]

I need some serious perspective on this situation.

My DS16 has Asperger's and attends a specialized school. Several weeks ago, a new 15-year old girl joined his program. They immediately declared that they are boyfriend/girlfriend, and they spend all of their free time at school together. Today when I picked up my DS, they asked if they could go to the movies together. I need to sort out a few issues on this situation.

DS just had some evaluations at school for his trienniel review. His social/pragmatic/judgement scores range from an age equivalent of 14 1/2, down to 9 1/2 years old. He does not function well by himself out in the community. I have to remind him to look before he crosses the street since he's apt to just walk around in his own little world.

The girl has diagnoses of Asperger's, bi-polar, emotional disturbance and ADHD (her mother told me these things at the school's open house). She acts very, very young (wears a tiara all the time, carries stuffed animals, plays with toys). She was just released from a residential school before being placed at my son's school. They debated putting her in the emotionally distrubed program, but decided to give her a chance in the Asperger's program first. Apparently, she's prone to outbursts (again, her mother told me these things).

While I don't mind the kids having a friendship at school, I really don't want them to take it to a "dating" relationship. I certainly don't want it to get physical. They are well-supervised at school, and the staff allows them one "side-hug" each day before they go home. My son has asked if she can come to our house and play video games, but I don't feel comfortable supervising her, with her many disabilities and unpredictable behavior.

Neither of the kids likes to use the phone, and my son won't be driving anytime soon, so the kids really only see each other at school. I don't want to alienate my son by continually saying no, but I have to do what's best for him. When I asked him what it means to have a girlfriend. He said, "You know, it's someone to make out with." DH and I just don't think he's ready to have a girlfriend. The male hormones have definitely kicked in, but the judgement and social skills just aren't there for him to handle the situation appropriately. When you add in the girl's disabilities, we just don't think we should encourage a "dating" relationship between them.

Has anyone dealt with a situation like this? Again, the school friendship is fine with us. We're glad he's connected with someone in his class and has someone he likes to hang out with. However, we just don't think it's in his best interest to let this relationship move to another level. We're torn!

I think this might be the scariest part because it already seems that he's confused about what having a girlfriend means and that the hormones are fueling this. Perhaps addressing this aspect with him (or with a professional) would be the key to making you more sure and confident in whatever decision you make. My fear (and yours if I read between the lines) would be that he would be unable to consider the implications of putting his own needs before hers -and obviously as adults we realize that a dating relationship needs to be a two way street with give and take and a whole lot of reading between the lines. Its not just 'someone to make out with." So perhaps helping him learn more about what it means to have a girlfriend is the first step that is being overlooked?