Something I witnessed.

[maymom96]

My neighbor is in an abusive relationship. He (yes a male is the abused one) and I have had many talks about his girlfriend. He makes excuses for her actions and words. He only thinks about the good times they have. Even though the bad outweighs the good, he still thinks of the good times.
She is even currently facing charges for domestic violence against the neighbor. She makes jokes about it and thinks the judge will throw the case out once he see's how "tiny she is and how big he is". She doesn't care that there is Walmart video of her hitting him.
I have finally decided the next time she is at the neighbors and a fight starts, I am calling the cops. I am tired of shutting the windows and doors so my kids don't see what is going on. Perhaps the cops will prevent her from kicking in another door.
I fear for my neighbors safety. But until he chooses to end the relationship for good, there is nothing that can be done.

 

[kwelch10377]

BFF's boyfriend is. We were all friends with him and worked with him before they started dating and we knew he was like this. His doctor is pretty sure he is bi-polar and he refuses to take any meds to help him. He doesn't verbally abuse her around everyone, but he has no problem doing it around me and she doesn't have any problem telling people that he does verbally abuse her. At this point she chooses to stay and deal with it, so I just ignore it when he does it around me. Many people have tried to get her to leave, but she won't. We can only do so much and there is nothing more we can do to get her to leave.

 

[curious3069]

I wouldn't do anything in front of him, ie, confronting them and I only say that because if you do, then I can almost guarantee that you'll be the next one cut out of her life. The best thing you can do is spend some time with her away from him. There is so much manipulation that goes on in this kind of situation that it becomes hard to realize just how bad it is. Even just saying "it's not right that he talks to you like this" can help her make some send out of it. Sounds silly, but until you've been thru the cycle of nice/loving/wonderful times vs verbally abusive times, it's hard to understand just how emotionally confusing it can be.

 

[cm8]

You should be there for your friend and support them. Let them know they are way better than what their SO is saying they are.

My dear friend took almost 8 months to figure out she was being verbally/emotionally abused (ETA: after putting up with it for almost 2 years). It took several nights out, some kleenex, and lots of love and support. I was over the moon when she said it out loud. (I had been thinking it all along, but I couldn't "tell" her - she would have defended the DB...) I merely asked questions that made her think about her situation without going over the line.

Now, the couple is separated... he's got MAJOR issues (but that's a whole other thread). I continue to be there for her emotionally and remind her that she's got 2 great kids, she's supermom all the time, her parents are wonderful and support her through everything, and that we are always around in case she needs a night away from home.

I kind of equate the issue of dealing with emotional/verbal abuse to that of an addict. First response is to always protect the problem (they're having a bad day, things are rough at work, etc., they are loving/affectionate when it's just the two of us...). You can't help them if they are not ready. It's hard, but just being there is sometimes the best thing you can do. It's good that you have concern for the person. Hopefully they'll see the light and be able to take care of the problem swiftly.

Agreed.

 

[brenalexacamp]

I know someone- I don't know how the spouse puts up with it- she's very educated and could support herself with no problems-doctor! It's always an excuse- he was in the service, has strong feelings about.. , just keep the peace and please do it his way, it's so sad

 

[C.Ann]

Yes - I have in the past.. If I were somewhere else, in this couples presence - I had no qualms about stating, "I am not going to listen to this" - and getting up and leaving..

If it happened in my home, my standard remark was "Either stop the nonsense - or leave - right now" - and it didn't matter who it was..

People make such fools of themselves when they do this.. Do they really think that other people want to listen to this garbage?

 

[curious3069]

I know someone- I don't know how the spouse puts up with it- she's very educated and could support herself with no problems-doctor! It's always an excuse- he was in the service, has strong feelings about.. , just keep the peace and please do it his way, it's so sad

I can't speak for her, but for me, a big part of making excuses wasn't to excuse him, but to make myself not feel so stupid for getting into the situation in the first place. Throw in a little "I fix problems all day at work, surely I can fix this" and "he can't possibly mean these things, look how sweet he was the other day" and a supposedly smart person starts making really dumb life choices. You can't imagine how embarassing and humiliating and shameful it is, especially when you are out of the situation and looking at it more clearly. I'm going to guess that's part of the reason she stays.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'd tell the person they don't need to take it and I'd be there for them when they were ready to leave.

Unfortunately, there is a whole cycle of "stuff" that goes with abuse, and most abusive types tend to find people who will take abuse. The people who will take abuse generally have self-esteem issues and so forth.

Having worked as a nurse for many years, I can tell you that I have cared for people who have been physically abused to the point of requiring hospitaliztion and they go back to the abuser.

An abused person isn't leaving until they decide for themselves that it's time to go.;

 

[okeydokey]

No one I know about is emotionally or verbally abused as far as I know. Unless they are a very close friend I wouldn't handle the situation. It is up to them to handle it themselves (ie: leave). Abuse me once shame on you, abuse me twice shame on me.

What a clueless response.

 

[vettechick99]

One of my good friends is in this situation. We are actually new friends - I've known her for a while, but we just got to be close the last few months. I had never been around her husband much until he came to a party at a friend's house. I had never heard a husband talk to a wife like that. It made everyone uncomfortable. Thing is she talks right back to him. Kind of deflects it in a calm way. So it's not like they are sparring back and forth. I can't stand it when couples fight in front of you.

A week later I met with him in a professional sense when he was sober and he was much easier to take. So obviously he's a bad drunk. To say the least.

She has admitted that he's a butt (she actually brought it up), but has no intentions to leave him. All I can do is love and support her I guess.

 

[FireDancer]

What a clueless response.

What does that mean? That I am clueless because I don't think any of my friends or family is abused? I can only go by what I have seen or heard.

If you mean abuse me once shame on you abuse me twice shame on you, that is exactly how I feel. I would never stay with someone who abused me whether that is mentally, verbally, or physically. I find it dumb to look at someone after they abuse me in any way and say "thank you sir, may I have another". A relationship isn't boot camp and in America you are free to leave it at any time.

Unless you are mentally handicapped you know when you are getting verbally or emotionally abused. Stop being a victim and stand up for yourself. The first time it happens you may not have seen it coming but it is right then and there you correct it or leave. Some people like to make life so much more difficult then it really has to be, especially here on the community board.

 

[SandrA9810]

She has admitted that he's a butt (she actually brought it up), but has no intentions to leave him. All I can do is love and support her I guess.

That's the best that you can do. You know how he is on a personal level. So being able to go to you for help when she finally decides she has had enough, will make it a lot easier. When people don't know the situation it can be hard to find help because she doesn't want to admit to everything that has gone on and what she got herself into.

 

[okeydokey]

What does that mean? That I am clueless because I don't think any of my friends or family is abused? I can only go by what I have seen or heard.

If you mean abuse me once shame on you abuse me twice shame on you, that is exactly how I feel. I would never stay with someone who abused me whether that is mentally, verbally, or physically. I find it dumb to look at someone after they abuse me in any way and say "thank you sir, may I have another". A relationship isn't boot camp and in America you are free to leave it at any time.

Unless you are mentally handicapped you know when you are getting verbally or emotionally abused. Stop being a victim and stand up for yourself. The first time it happens you may not have seen it coming but it is right then and there you correct it or leave. Some people like to make life so much more difficult then it really has to be, especially here on the community board.

Clueless because you make this issue black and white and have no real idea of that an abusive relationship is really like. I am glad you nor anyone you know has ever been in an abusive relationship, but until you experience it firsthand this kind of flippant remark made out to blame the victim helps nobody.

 

[SandrA9810]

What does that mean? That I am clueless because I don't think any of my friends or family is abused? I can only go by what I have seen or heard.

If you mean abuse me once shame on you abuse me twice shame on you, that is exactly how I feel. I would never stay with someone who abused me whether that is mentally, verbally, or physically. I find it dumb to look at someone after they abuse me in any way and say "thank you sir, may I have another". A relationship isn't boot camp and in America you are free to leave it at any time. Unless you are mentally handicapped you know when you are getting verbally or emotionally abused.

Well that's ok to think for your personal self. But if you do happen to come across some one in an abusive relationship, you can't just say "well you're stupid, just leave".

And it doesn't take a mental disability to become a victim. Like some one else said, most the time it's a deep rooted self esteem problem.
Scenario: Girl is kind of down on her luck, HS sweetie went off on his own way. Not much luck in the dating scene. Work's ok, but it's not what she'd love to be doing.
Guy comes along, sweeps her off her feet. The relationship starts out great. All of her friends adore him and think he's one of a kind guy. He's always telling her "I love you, you're the greatest" or "No one will ever love you more than me".
As the months or years go past... Guy tells girl "why do you hang out with Friend A?? She's not that good to be around". A little while later, it becomes friend B. Girl doesn't want to ruin her relationship, so she kinda lets friend A and B become distant.
Eventually that "No one will ever love you more than me" turns into a "you're not good enough to be loved by any one else", "No one in their right mind will love you".
All the while on the outside, he puts on this great display of affection to every one else. Girl thinks that she can some how make him act like this all the time. Or that this fake outward appearance is how he really feels. Not an act that it really is.
Sometimes they convince the girl to leave their job, because he can provide all the financial support. So little by little the outside world becomes smaller and smaller, less communication. Less chance of actually being able to get help. Once physical abuse starts, it's a matter between, "am I going to die in here? Or die out there if I try to leave?"
So not only does she need to leave, but needs to find a safe haven to go to. And lots of counseling among other things to get her back on track.

 

[FireDancer]

Well that's ok to think for your personal self. But if you do happen to come across some one in an abusive relationship, you can't just say "well you're stupid, just leave".

And it doesn't take a mental disability to become a victim. Like some one else said, most the time it's a deep rooted self esteem problem.
Scenario: Girl is kind of down on her luck, HS sweetie went off on his own way. Not much luck in the dating scene. Work's ok, but it's not what she'd love to be doing.
Guy comes along, sweeps her off her feet. The relationship starts out great. All of her friends adore him and think he's one of a kind guy. He's always telling her "I love you, you're the greatest" or "No one will ever love you more than me".
As the months or years go past... Guy tells girl "why do you hang out with Friend A?? She's not that good to be around". A little while later, it becomes friend B. Girl doesn't want to ruin her relationship, so she kinda lets friend A and B become distant.
Eventually that "No one will ever love you more than me" turns into a "you're not good enough to be loved by any one else", "No one in their right mind will love you".
All the while on the outside, he puts on this great display of affection to every one else. Girl thinks that she can some how make him act like this all the time. Or that this fake outward appearance is how he really feels. Not an act that it really is.
Sometimes they convince the girl to leave their job, because he can provide all the financial support. So little by little the outside world becomes smaller and smaller, less communication. Less chance of actually being able to get help. Once physical abuse starts, it's a matter between, "am I going to die in here? Or die out there if I try to leave?"
So not only does she need to leave, but needs to find a safe haven to go to. And lots of counseling among other things to get her back on track.

You are absolutely right, but in all of those examples it requires the participation of the abused person. I don't want it to come across as blaming the victim because it is the fault of the abuser first and foremost but people have to have self esteem and stand up for themselves.

I can not even begin to fathom thinking so little of myself that I allow someone to do anything you described. Are there people who do, sure, but they need to realize that they really are in control of letting that happen. I just can't imagine ever thinking so little of myself that I allow anyone I am in a relationship with to isolate me from the rest of my life or make me give up my individuality.

I have a lot of close friends that would notice this and call me out on it, as I would them, but I have to actually listen to them and do something about it at that point so it is right back on me then, just as I said in my first post. If I ignore them and stay in the relationship I am the one making that poor decision, am I not?

Let's say every time I walk into my friend Dan's house he punches me in the face or starts screaming at me that I am worthless and should kill myself. That first time I didn't see it coming and couldn't do anything about it. Maybe he apologizes and says it was an accident. The second time I walk in and the same thing happens it is up to me to realize it isn't going to stop and I just need to stop going to Dan's house.

 

[MushyMushy]

Let's say every time I walk into my friend Dan's house he punches me in the face or starts screaming at me that I am worthless and should kill myself. That first time I didn't see it coming and couldn't do anything about it. Maybe he apologizes and says it was an accident. The second time I walk in and the same thing happens it is up to me to realize it isn't going to stop and I just need to stop going to Dan's house.

Abuse is a lot more insidious than that. It starts out with something little that you can explain away as a bad day, then it's followed with a heart-felt apology, then another little thing that can also be explained away. It's like the analogy of the frog jumping into boiling water. The frog jumps right out. But when you start the frog out in cool water, the water just gets hotter and hotter and the frog gets cooked.

People who have been abused as children are particularly primed to put up with abuse as adults. The damage has been done.

 

[mrsdon]

Gosh, it's so hard to read all this
I have suffered years and years of mental abuse
My husband had done and said things to me that have hurt me so badly that I wish he would have slapped the snot out of me instead
i often wished I were dead
It used to be 50% good and 50% bad
Then it was 10% good and 90% bad
I almost left him then
Now its about 90% good and 10% bad
I think I would give the person a big hug and just be availabe to listen

 

[curious3069]

What does that mean? That I am clueless because I don't think any of my friends or family is abused? I can only go by what I have seen or heard.

If you mean abuse me once shame on you abuse me twice shame on you, that is exactly how I feel. I would never stay with someone who abused me whether that is mentally, verbally, or physically. I find it dumb to look at someone after they abuse me in any way and say "thank you sir, may I have another". A relationship isn't boot camp and in America you are free to leave it at any time.

Unless you are mentally handicapped you know when you are getting verbally or emotionally abused. Stop being a victim and stand up for yourself. The first time it happens you may not have seen it coming but it is right then and there you correct it or leave. Some people like to make life so much more difficult then it really has to be, especially here on the community board.

You are right, it should be that easy, it really really should, and in a black & white world it would be. It's so much more complex than a punch in the face though. And it's really hard when you're broke, 1000 miles from your family and have nowhere to go. That doesn't mean it wasn't my fault for staying, it was and I should have left sooner, but it's not as easy as "just leave". I wish it would have been.

I will say this, as awful as it was, it was a great life lesson and now, I would walk out the first time it happened, there wouldn't be second chances. So in a way, I guess on a certain level, I do agree with you.