Something I witnessed.

[PUZZLDY5]

Anybody know anyone who's spouse is verbaly abusive but not physicaly? How did you handle the situation?
No details.
And no flames please.

 

[DawnCt1]

Actually no, but if I were in their company, I would probably excuse myself by saying, "I think its time for me to go now, I am rather uncomfortable." Maybe the abuser would get the message and the abused would wake up and decide they don't have to put up with it. Notice I didn't assign gender. It could be "either/or".

 

[Acklander]

sorry, I can't say how I'd handle the situation without some details. Is this someone I'm close to, or just know casually, or a stranger??? What type of verbal abuse and how does she react to it (which will give me a clue on if it's a regular thing or not). Am I close enough to the person to see where they stand on it - you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, but you can let them know that you're there for them.
there are just so many different ways to handle the situation depending on the circumstances.

 

[HM]

No, sorry, I've never been in a situation to actual see/hear an abuser in action.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

You should be there for your friend and support them. Let them know they are way better than what their SO is saying they are.

My dear friend took almost 8 months to figure out she was being verbally/emotionally abused (ETA: after putting up with it for almost 2 years). It took several nights out, some kleenex, and lots of love and support. I was over the moon when she said it out loud. (I had been thinking it all along, but I couldn't "tell" her - she would have defended the DB...) I merely asked questions that made her think about her situation without going over the line.

Now, the couple is separated... he's got MAJOR issues (but that's a whole other thread). I continue to be there for her emotionally and remind her that she's got 2 great kids, she's supermom all the time, her parents are wonderful and support her through everything, and that we are always around in case she needs a night away from home.

I kind of equate the issue of dealing with emotional/verbal abuse to that of an addict. First response is to always protect the problem (they're having a bad day, things are rough at work, etc., they are loving/affectionate when it's just the two of us...). You can't help them if they are not ready. It's hard, but just being there is sometimes the best thing you can do. It's good that you have concern for the person. Hopefully they'll see the light and be able to take care of the problem swiftly.

 

[FireDancer]

Anybody know anyone who's spouse is verbaly abusive but not physicaly? How did you handle the situation?
No details.
And no flames please.

No one I know about is emotionally or verbally abused as far as I know. Unless they are a very close friend I wouldn't handle the situation. It is up to them to handle it themselves (ie: leave). Abuse me once shame on you, abuse me twice shame on me.

 

[Mama-san]

I've never encountered this type of situation but for me it would depend on who the abused person was to determine my reaction. If it was someone I did not know, I would probably mind my own business BUT if it was a friend there's a chance I would say something. If the abuser/abusee were in my direct presence and the abuse started, it would be difficult for me to not speak up in defense of my friend. If the abuse was overheard I would want to talk to my friend and let them know it was b.s. and that they didn't have to put up with such and to show my support. It may not be the best way but knowing me this is how I would probably react.

 

[MickeysMommy]

My ex-husband was

 

[jen0610]

We lived with our friends for almost 2 months while we were waiting for our quarters to become available, so I got to witness it first hand. While he would make comments in front of my DH, our friends hubby reined it in whenever DH was around.

The hubby would often times try to use the same tone and comments towards me, but I would stand up in his face and give it right back to him. She would hear about her looks, clothes, cooking, cleaning - you name it and he'd run her down. Cussing her out, we never heard that, but what he was doing was ruining her selfworth. I tolerated him, only for the sake of my sister, we were are that close.

With us living them, it didn't take long for her to see what he was doing and that she didn't deserve it. She started standing up to him. And he always blamed me for it. He was convinced once were we no longer stationed together, she would start minding her p's and q's again. Thank the god lord, she only stayed with him for a year after we moved onto a different duty station. She is now married to a wonderful man and mom to a delightful set of boy twins.

 

[SandrA9810]

It's more of a physcological problem. Most the time the relationship starts out great, as time goes by the abuser starts manipulating the other person, till they believe every word that is said from the abuser. It's a deep rooted cycle, to a point that the abused it addicted to it, and only when they're ready to leave it, will they.
As an outsider, if you're willing to be there, you need to get the abused to see there's a bigger world out there. And be a shoulder to lean on.

Even excusing yourself out of the house will not make the abuse go away, or make some kind of lightbulb moment happen. Once you know it's going on, you need to help them outside of the home.

 

[PUZZLDY5]

sorry, I can't say how I'd handle the situation without some details. Is this someone I'm close to, or just know casually, or a stranger??? What type of verbal abuse and how does she react to it (which will give me a clue on if it's a regular thing or not). Am I close enough to the person to see where they stand on it - you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, but you can let them know that you're there for them.
there are just so many different ways to handle the situation depending on the circumstances.

Yes it is a friend. Not my BFF or anything but someone I care about. Heard things like, "you can't do anything right that's why I have to do sh** for you, why can't you do anything I tell you to do." That sort of thing. Honetsly, I was shocked because all outward appearences are he's a great guy and everyone loves him. Heck i thought he was too until recently. I think i'm the first person to see Mr.Hyde so to speak.

Also this didn't happen in person. This was when I was on the phone with her so I don't think he knew she was on the phone with someone.

 

[Mermaid02]

I used to work with a husband and wife (almost 20 years ago now). The husband was SO NASTY to her. Constantly belittling her and putting her down, and this was in front of people! I told her flat out that she didn't deserve to be treated that way- he was a pig. At first she made excuses for him- I used to tell him off every chance I got- eventually my dh (boyfriend at the time) and I loaned her the money to divorce him. She never paid us back and we didn't care. She married a great guy a couple years later and has a great life now.

I guess it depends on how well you know someone and how far you are willing to go to help them.

 

[Jennasis]

My EX was mentally/emotionally abusive. He never said or did anything in front of witnesses.

 

[SandrA9810]

The abuser can be very good at manipulating the outside world into believing they are such a great, caring, loving person. In all honesty, you'll probably see more signs of what's happening with your friend, that you probably didn't think twice about before.
Like do most of her excuses for declining an invitation are because of her husband?? More like "well he probably wouldn't like it if I wasn't at home with him", or "he needs me there". Or outings are only ok if he's around.

If it's still early in the abuse, it's possible to get her out of that situation a lot more quickly and easily than if this has been happening for years. But don't turn a blind eye to it, because at any time it can get physical. And he could "not mean it, he just got into a little rage". But once the hitting starts, there's no stopping it.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

The abuser can be very good at manipulating the outside world into believing they are such a great, caring, loving person. In all honesty, you'll probably see more signs of what's happening with your friend, that you probably didn't think twice about before.
Like do most of her excuses for declining an invitation are because of her husband?? More like "well he probably wouldn't like it if I wasn't at home with him", or "he needs me there". Or outings are only ok if he's around.

If it's still early in the abuse, it's possible to get her out of that situation a lot more quickly and easily than if this has been happening for years. But don't turn a blind eye to it, because at any time it can get physical. And he could "not mean it, he just got into a little rage". But once the hitting starts, there's no stopping it.

If ever there was a like button on the DIS... Well said.

EVERYONE adores her DH - but he is an honest-to-goodness D.B. and only those in the house regularly see what he really is.

Don't forget limiting or removing friends from the abusee. My friend was slowly not allowed to see people. He whittled her LONG list down to me and her parents. He told her he didn't trust me and she shouldn't hang out with me anymore either... And I guess he shouldn't trust me... I would like to think I helped her see the real him and his facade was over.

 

[LuvOrlando]

The who part makes all the difference in the world. Are you talking about adults or children, lovers or family members.. the dynamic of each is very different.

 

[MickeysMommy]

It's more of a physcological problem. Most the time the relationship starts out great, as time goes by the abuser starts manipulating the other person, till they believe every word that is said from the abuser. It's a deep rooted cycle, to a point that the abused it addicted to it, and only when they're ready to leave it, will they.
As an outsider, if you're willing to be there, you need to get the abused to see there's a bigger world out there. And be a shoulder to lean on.

Even excusing yourself out of the house will not make the abuse go away, or make some kind of lightbulb moment happen. Once you know it's going on, you need to help them outside of the home.

The abuser can be very good at manipulating the outside world into believing they are such a great, caring, loving person. In all honesty, you'll probably see more signs of what's happening with your friend, that you probably didn't think twice about before.

Holy cow! You hit my life right on the head!

 

[CF'er]

You can't make them do anything or see the light until they get so sick of it they are ready to get out. Just like smoking or losing weight. Let them know you will be there when/if they find the courage.

 

[MushyMushy]

My mom was verbally abusive to my dad and us kids. She would constantly tell him how stupid he was or how worthless and useless. My sister didn't get it as badly as I did. My mom could be downright vicious to me with the name calling. My dad was also verbally abusive, but in retrospect I think it was more out of frustration and having to deal with my mother's abuse.

I don't know how I'd handle it seeing someone else go through it. If I were close enough to the person, I think I'd try talking to them about getting out.

 

[2binak]

Also this didn't happen in person. This was when I was on the phone with her so I don't think he knew she was on the phone with someone.

This has been happening to my BFF for years but if I am there in person or on the phone, she will stand up for herself (I think because I usually say something to him). As soon as I'm gone, she goes right back to taking his crap. Of course her DH blames me for her being disrepectful to him and tried for years to convince her that I was no good and that she shouldn't be friends with me, but she resists. He also cheated on her and had a baby as a result, all the while threatening her that if he ever caught her going out to bars or parties, he would leave her. (oh how I wished he had lived up to that promise!)

Even after knowing about the cheating and the baby, she stayed with him and then married him. On their wedding day, I took him aside and told him that if he ever laid a hand on her, he would regret it. He has always been intimidated by me, probably because I don't bow down to him, and the look on his face when I said that to him was priceless...he was like a shocked, scared kid. He acts so nice and caring around everyone else, but in that moment, I think he realized that I know the real him and I think it scared him to actually be called out on it.

As far as I know, he has never laid a hand on my BFF. We used to talk about the abuse all of the time and she would just say he was in a bad mood or he was an a** or something like that. I tried so hard to constantly build her confidence up, but he would just knock it down again. She told me that if he ever hit her, she would leave and although I told her that it should never get to that point, I also told her that I would be there for her if it did.

Almost 20 years later, they are still together and now dragging 2 little ones through the mess with them. Sometimes, all you can do is say your peace and hope for the best.