so your feelings on a teen's baby shower?

[mom2boys77]

Wow. My family gave me a shower to show me that they were there for me and that they loved me and my baby. You have no idea what it was like even within my own family for me. The shame and guilt and embarrassment that I felt for getting pregnant. Nobody was jumping up and down and shouting with excitement that I was wonderful and special. My parents were disappointed and scared and angry. But they loved me still because that is what good families do. I thank God for my amazing family and the support they gave me.

Then what is is telling her? Do you throw a party every time you tell a friend you support them? Gee your out of work I want to help you and buy your kid Tennis shoes but lets have a party for me to do it? You can tell her you support her by taking her to the Dr's or sending her a note. Offering to babysit, Do you have to celebrate? Do you have to have a party to do all this? Actually the money for the party should go to paying for the DR or for the Diapers. You want to truly support her. By throwing a party for HER, again the baby doesn't care, you are telling her what she did is special and wonderful and great.

 

[Burnedout]

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-human-beast/201210/does-religion-protect-against-teen-childbearing

Here's simple on from the repression of desire from psychology today.

Its kinda funny how god gave us heightened hormones in the teen years, but we shouldn't use them?

Snort! Psychology today? Research. Causal statistical evidence.

 

[dakcp2001]

Sometimes I read threads like this, and I see all these people sitting up on their high horses, and I lose faith in humanity. It's a baby, and a shower. If you don't like it, don't go, but don't you dare share your reasons why. All babies deserve to be welcomed, celebrated, band treated as a blessing, because that is what they are. If you don't like the way they got here, keep it to yourself. It's not your business. They thought enoug of you to invite you to their celebration, and you poo poo it? Some friend/ family.

From my experience, all the judge mcjudgersons are the ones who end up having family members in this situation, and oh how the outlook changes when it's your family.

 

[Burnedout]

life evidence of common sense.

http://www.livescience.com/5728-teen-birth-rates-higher-highly-religious-states.html

how about this one to start with.

http://www.theatlanticcities.com/politics/2012/04/teen-birthrates-are-way-down-still-high-these-states/1735/

or that one

there are more our there, the fact is teen pg is on the down swing which is good for teen would be moms and their unborn children.

It isnt shameful to have a child at any age.

ps "god" made your body able to have children at 15 so is that shameful of god to do that?

Lol you of realize that they are the same study right? Lol the second was basically he same info published 3 years later.

 

[ebtbmom]

Wow. My family gave me a shower to show me that they were there for me and that they loved me and my baby. You have no idea what it was like even within my own family for me. The shame and guilt and embarrassment that I felt for getting pregnant. Nobody was jumping up and down and shouting with excitement that I was wonderful and special. My parents were disappointed and scared and angry. But they loved me still because that is what good families do. I thank God for my amazing family and the support they gave me.

I had an experience similar to yours. I wasn't a teen, but I was 20 and in college when I got pregnant. I experienced all of those emotions until one of my aunts told me that I wasn't doing anything different than anyone else, I just "got caught". That made so much sense that I felt a bit less self conscious after that.

And honestly some of the feelings of awkwardness don't end. When people learn that I have a child almost 16 they are visibly, and at times verbally, shocked. You can tell that they are doing mental math to figure out how old I was when I had him and then they have a "knowing" look and don't say anything else. It's like a permanent scarlet letter.

Oh well, I love my boy and I'm thankful that I made the decision I made everyday and always tell him that he was the best thing that came out of my time at college!

OH, and my other girlfriends all waited until they were older and married before getting pregnant so my shower didn't give them any crazy ideas.

 

[Stacerita]

Sometimes I read threads like this, and I see all these people sitting up on their high horses, and I lose faith in humanity. It's a baby, and a shower. If you don't like it, don't go, but don't you dare share your reasons why. All babies deserve to be welcomed, celebrated, band treated as a blessing, because that is what they are. If you don't like the way they got here, keep it to yourself. It's not your business. They thought enoug of you to invite you to their celebration, and you poo poo it? Some friend/ family.

From my experience, all the judge mcjudgersons are the ones who end up having family members in this situation, and oh how the outlook changes when it's your family.

My mother used to say "don't spit in the sky, because it will hit you in the face". All those who are judging, you have some nerve. Is teen pregnancy something to be celebrated? No, and that is something we all can probably agree on. But to sit there, and look down on others and say they are less deserving is not right.

At what age should someone get pregnant to be ok in the eyes of those who judge? 18? 19? 20? Please let me know that magic number.

My parents were technically 'teen' parents. They both were working and had their own place when they got married. Nine months later I was born. So should they not have had a shower because there were teen parents? Or was it ok since they got married first THEN got pregnant? What if things happened differently and they got pregnant and got married down the road? Would that be looked upon differently?

 

[mom2boys77]

Wow we are very similar! I was 18 and had just graduated h.s. Eventually his dad and I got married. We recently had our 3rd baby 17 years after our 1st and everyone asks if it's a 2nd marriage. It's pretty awkward. I think the worst was when he was in elementary school and people thought I was his sister. It was hard always being the youngest mom. Sometimes you could feel the looks people would give. And yes that is exactly what it is that we just got caught. I wasn't doing anything that others my age weren't doing. I was just the lucky one. I too love my boy. I am proud that I took responsibility for my actions and did the best job I possibly could.

I had an experience similar to yours. I wasn't a teen, but I was 20 and in college when I got pregnant. I experienced all of those emotions until one of my aunts told me that I wasn't doing anything different than anyone else, I just "got caught". That made so much sense that I felt a bit less self conscious after that. And honestly some of the feelings of awkwardness don't end. When people learn that I have a child almost 16 they are visibly, and at times verbally, shocked. You can tell that they are doing mental math to figure out how old I was when I had him and then they have a "knowing" look and don't say anything else. It's like a permanent scarlet letter. Oh well, I love my boy and I'm thankful that I made the decision I made everyday and always tell him that he was the best thing that came out of my time at college! OH, and my other girlfriends all waited until they were older and married before getting pregnant so my shower didn't give them any crazy ideas.

 

[Burnedout]

Sorry for the ot. Statements based on bias not actual facts make me a little crazy.

 

[tzolkin]

And honestly some of the feelings of awkwardness don't end. When people learn that I have a child almost 16 they are visibly, and at times verbally, shocked. You can tell that they are doing mental math to figure out how old I was when I had him and then they have a "knowing" look and don't say anything else. It's like a permanent scarlet letter.

This has been my experience as well. Or instead of getting awkwardly silent they say something stupid like, "Wow, but you're such a good mom/so successful/so educated/etc" which lets you know what they assume about every other young parent they come across. One benefit of all the judgment is that it lets you know right away who the jerks are so you can avoid them.

Now that DD is older it's become even more awkward in some situations because people always think DH is in his mid-twenties and I am often mistaken for a student at the university where I work. Then they really can't figure out how we have a 15yo.

 

[teacup princess]

Well, I threw my first baby shower at the age of 16. In fact many of my high school friends had kids very young and my high school was one of the first to have a day care for the students kids. This was in the late 80's. It was a rural depressed area and teenage pregnancy was a common problem. I've kept up with many of these friends on facebook, ect. and almost all were very good parents, managed to better themselves, and raise productive children now in finishing college or the military. It wasn't the cycle of generations of teenage pregnancy that you hear about. Having supportive friends and family really does help. The shower helped them and their babies at a time when they had nothing.

 

[Robinrs]

Sometimes I read threads like this, and I see all these people sitting up on their high horses, and I lose faith in humanity. It's a baby, and a shower. If you don't like it, don't go, but don't you dare share your reasons why. All babies deserve to be welcomed, celebrated, band treated as a blessing, because that is what they are. If you don't like the way they got here, keep it to yourself. It's not your business. They thought enoug of you to invite you to their celebration, and you poo poo it? Some friend/ family.

From my experience, all the judge mcjudgersons are the ones who end up having family members in this situation, and oh how the outlook changes when it's your family.

It wouldn't change them, it would just be a sad day for the poor relative of the horrid judgie mcjudgerson....

Nothing we do or say can change people who enjoy feeling like this. Let them. Just spread what you are and what you feel to those who need you. There are enough people out there who need those who care. Don't lose faith in humanity, read the posts of the people who do care and realize that they do exist! That's what gives me faith.

 

[TheRose227]

When I was 17 a friend of mine got pregnant. She's a smart girl, and decided to keep the baby.

I don't think she thought the father was going to up and leave the way he did. In all honesty, none of us did. But pretty soon she was 6 months in and only had her mom and a few of her friends.

You know what we did? we threw her a baby shower

Because she needed a day that didn't include a fight with her ex, that didn't include the shameful looks and comments from strangers; "friends" and teachers, a day that would let her know she was loved and we would help her any way that we could.

Throwing a baby shower didn't glorify it for us. It made us think about what we wanted for our futures. For all of us it was a baby later in life, not when we were teens. It also made us sad, the hateful things people said in cards to her with their "practical" gift. It would have been better if they didn't send one.

Sure the baby was cute, and we loved helping her when we could. But being around a teen mom, even the "fun" baby shower, doesn't glorify it AT ALL.

 

[Wendy31]

I think every baby should be celebrated.

And, when it comes to young teen mothers, I think the more support the mother gets, the more chance she & her baby have for a more successful future.

Once the teen is pregnant, she's pregnant, & having a shower or not having a shower isn't going to change the fact that she's a teen & she's having a baby.

However, when it comes to teen pregnancies, I think there is a fine line between celebrating the baby & celebrating or glorifying the pregnancy & making it look too "fun" or too "special" - not that the baby isn't special but that being pregnant & being the center of everyone's attention becomes what's celebrated instead of the baby, if that makes sense. Being pregnant when you're a teen & unmarried is not an ideal situation - it shouldn't make other young teen girls envious.

I'm not saying that a pregnant teen doesn't deserve a shower, but I don't think the shower guests should just include her teen friends as what was described in the OP- it becomes more of a fun "party" then. Or, more like some teen girls getting together & "playing" at being adults when, in reality, when a teen girl becomes pregnant, she can't do it by herself - she's going to have to have the help & support of the adults in her life.

I really don't even think her teen friends should have any part in planning the shower. I think the shower should be planned by an older female relative & that the shower guests should include relatives, family friends, etc. If the teen's friends are invited, then I think their mothers should be invited as well.

I said the above much, much earlier in this thread, but I still stand by it.

However, after reading other comments in the thread, I want to add the following:

Life is not always neat & tidy & black & white. Sometimes, life is messy & full of shades of gray.

We all make mistakes. We all say & do things we later regret.

And, sometimes, isn't it better to extend kindness & grace instead of criticisms & judgment?

Nothing I say or do is going to change the fact that a teen is pregnant. But what I say or do can make a difference after she's pregnant.

I'd rather be supportive than not supportive, you know? I'd rather be a positive influence in her life. I'd rather her know that she can come to me.

No, after the fact, nothing I do or say can change whether or not the teen is pregnant. But what I do and say could make a heck of a difference in her life & the baby's life after.

It's so easy to stand back & be armchair quarterbacks & judge someone else's life.

It reminds me a little of the movie "A Time to Kill" when the attorney is presenting the case to the jury - a black little girl has been brutalized. He tells the jury to close their eyes & then describes the scene in explicit detail. And then he says, "Now picture her white."

Picture this girl as your daughter. Her baby as your grandchild.

Every baby is a blessing. Every life should be celebrated.

And I don't think anyone has yet mentioned the most famous unwed teenage mother of all... Mary, the mother of Jesus.

poverty and religion go hand in hand. so does poor choices with ones body.

I will agree with you that teen pg shouldn't be gloried, oh wait what are the ratings for the dumb teen mom shows.

Baby showers aren't to celebrate a pg but to celebrate a new life.

Would be acceptable for a 14/15 to get married to a man that has a good job and then become pg? She still would be a teen mom.

So is it teen pg that your against or babies out of wedlock.

[bolding mine] As a Christian, this remark is incredibly offensive to me.

However, I will agree that many Christians today are hyper-critical & judge-y & end up turning people away.

I think sometimes we feel that extending grace takes something away from us, that we're not doing our "jobs" unless everyone knows we "disapprove"... like we need to condemn & make sure the person we're condemning knows she's wrong. "No cake for you!"

When, in reality, what good does that do? In the life of the teen? In the life of her baby?

No, my dream for my DD is not for her to become pregnant while she's a teen and before she's married. But, if it happens, DH & I will support her, & I'm going to celebrate my new grandchild. And I'm going to do everything I can to help her succeed.

Love. Grace. Mercy.

 

[Colleen27]

I don't know the statistics in your state, but I do in mine. Are you telling me that most children that have children are NOT on assistance, NOT on free government insurance ... if so then I stand corrected but I seriously doubt it.

The last figure I saw was about half of all teen moms, but that was including *all* teen moms (anyone who had not yet turned 20 at the time of delivery). The more alarming/shocking statistics come from surveying only minor teen moms. Most of the teens I know who got pregnant were still covered on their parents' insurance and living at home, so public aid wasn't even on the radar.

Well, at the risk of appearing hard nosed again, the mother and father ARE guilty, the baby isn't coming from the cabbage patch for goodness sake.

I suppose. I never thought of sex as something to be "guilty" of... Most teens do it. Only a few are unlucky enough to face lifelong consequences.

Why should this mother have to miss something that is given to most first time mothers?

When she has her second child at a more "appropriate" age, are you one of the ones that will then look down your nose and say "oh, well you NEVER have showers for second children"?

Well of course. The punishment for that one choice doesn't end when the mother turns 18!

I don't think a baby shower is going to make other teens want to get pregnant. Heck, I went to an AMAZING Bat Mitzvah (sp?) when I was 12 and it didn't make me want to convert to Judiaism.

These girls face so many socioeconomic problems and is that really fair to an innocent child? The odds are stacked against them.

Sure, but plenty of people beat worse odds every day.

By throwing a party for HER, again the baby doesn't care, you are telling her what she did is special and wonderful and great.

No, you're telling her that even though she has a rough road ahead not every minute of it has to be bleak, lonely, and stressful.

And honestly some of the feelings of awkwardness don't end. When people learn that I have a child almost 16 they are visibly, and at times verbally, shocked. You can tell that they are doing mental math to figure out how old I was when I had him and then they have a "knowing" look and don't say anything else. It's like a permanent scarlet letter.

This has been my experience as well. Or instead of getting awkwardly silent they say something stupid like, "Wow, but you're such a good mom/so successful/so educated/etc" which lets you know what they assume about every other young parent they come across. One benefit of all the judgment is that it lets you know right away who the jerks are so you can avoid them.

Now that DD is older it's become even more awkward in some situations because people always think DH is in his mid-twenties and I am often mistaken for a student at the university where I work. Then they really can't figure out how we have a 15yo.

I said this same thing up thread. My son is 16 and it still comes up. We've had a few school situations where it became obvious that a particular teacher had done the mental math and made assumptions based on that to my son's detriment. I was 18 when he was born and living on my own but that doesn't matter - some people see the child of a teen parent and assume he's doomed to failure, has no support at home, etc. And that can be a self-fulfilling prophecy when it effects the way the student is treated.

Of course, there are the funnier moments too. My son's a big kid for his age and has always looked older; I look and dress sort of young for mine. On two separate occasions strangers have made the assumption that we were a couple rather than mother and son.

 

[Robinrs]

[bolding mine] As a Christian, this remark is incredibly offensive to me.

However, I will agree that many Christians today are hyper-critical & judge-y & end up turning people away.

I think sometimes we feel that extending grace takes something away from us, that we're not doing our "jobs" unless everyone knows we "disapprove"... like we need to condemn & make sure the person we're condemning knows she's wrong. "No cake for you!"

When, in reality, what good does that do? In the life of the teen? In the life of her baby?

No, my dream for my DD is not for her to become pregnant while she's a teen and before she's married. But, if it happens, DH & I will support her, & I'm going to celebrate my new grandchild. And I'm going to do everything I can to help her succeed.

Love. Grace. Mercy.

Too many people forget that the word Christian means Christ Like. It means to be INclusive, not EXclusive. The "religious" people have made Christians look bad, not ourselves.

I learned at the feet of the kindest most inclusive people I've ever known, my parents. I thought my sister's pregnancy would kill them but they made it the best thing ever with their attitude and their kindness. Yes, the world was nasty and judgmental, people even painted nasty words on our front door, but my parents told us that this child was their blessing and deserved the life that they could give her. And they did. This is why I know my parents are in a better place now, what a sacrifice they made for my niece and my sister.

BTW, my Mom married my Dad at 16, had my oldest sister at 17 and was married to my Dad for 60 years when they both died. My sister was 59 years old and was blessed to have the best parents in the world for that amount of time.

 

[luvsJack]

My son is 32 and I still get the "you must have been YOUNG when you had him" (I was barely 18). Heck, I have gotten it here. And thank God that I kept him and have my grown son and now my beautiful dgd and dil that I love dearly.


Since my state was mentioned upthread (Mississippi) let me make it clear, as someone that is here and sees the situations around her. Its not the "overly" religious. Its the girls with no family support. Girls that are treated like "oh, you are in high school now, you are grown and can make your own decisions'. And the parent suddenly thinks its time for them to live their life without the responsibility of their daughter. Many of them do not feel loved by one parent or the other or both. They are looking for love either from the boy or the baby they conceive, but usually from the boy. Some have been made to feel that they are nothing without a boyfriend or that their purpose in life is to find a husband and sex is the way they do it. And yes some of them are products of teen pregnancy. Teen pregnancies where the mother had the same lack of support and love and caring that is being shown right here.

Women that did get pregnant in high school and did receive the love and support of family and friends, have stopped the circle and have provided a much better environment for their child. And you can see the difference in the way their daughters are growing up.

 

[Robinrs]

My son is 32 and I still get the "you must have been YOUNG when you had him" (I was barely 18). Heck, I have gotten it here. And thank God that I kept him and have my grown son and now my beautiful dgd and dil that I love dearly.


Since my state was mentioned upthread (Mississippi) let me make it clear, as someone that is here and sees the situations around her. Its not the "overly" religious. Its the girls with no family support. Girls that are treated like "oh, you are in high school now, you are grown and can make your own decisions'. And the parent suddenly thinks its time for them to live their life without the responsibility of their daughter. Many of them do not feel loved by one parent or the other or both. They are looking for love either from the boy or the baby they conceive, but usually from the boy. Some have been made to feel that they are nothing without a boyfriend or that their purpose in life is to find a husband and sex is the way they do it. And yes some of them are products of teen pregnancy. Teen pregnancies where the mother had the same lack of support and love and caring that is being shown right here.

Women that did get pregnant in high school and did receive the love and support of family and friends, have stopped the circle and have provided a much better environment for their child. And you can see the difference in the way their daughters are growing up.

Excellent point. It definitely ended with my sister. Thanks for sharing your story, luvsjack. Sometimes I wish I started earlier because now my son is so young and I'm so OOOOOOLD All of my friends and school mates are grandparents..heck my NEPHEW is a grandfather and my son is still in college!

 

[NewmanFamily6]

This is so true! I found out about DD 17 three days before my high school graduation. She turned 17 last month and I turn 36 today. Next year we will both graduate she will from high school and I will with a doctorate from graduate school. Being a young mother doesn't mean your life is over. It means that your life now has a new route to your goal. I had 4 children at 25 yrs old. I heard everything you can imagine. My DH has a doctorate in pharmacy and I will have a doctorate in nursing. We are successful and our children are happy.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Excellent point. It definitely ended with my sister. Thanks for sharing your story, luvsjack. Sometimes I wish I started earlier because now my son is so young and I'm so OOOOOOLD All of my friends and school mates are grandparents..heck my NEPHEW is a grandfather and my son is still in college!

A close friend of mine married a former teen mom. They also had their one child together right away. A couple years ago, they showed up at a gathering with a 2-door car. None of my friends had owned one in years.

He's 46 and she's 42, and they are now empty nesters with both kids out of college with good jobs. At 46, I still have an 8-year-old at home.

 

[JanaDee]

A close friend of mine married a former teen mom. They also had their one child together right away. A couple years ago, they showed up at a gathering with a 2-door car. None of my friends had owned one in years.

He's 46 and she's 42, and they are now empty nesters with both kids out of college with good jobs. At 46, I still have an 8-year-old at home.

That is definitely one advantage to having kids relatively early. We'll be empty-nesters at 45.