So why did you get divorced?

[Jennasis]

Wow, alot of you sure are taking a lot of this personally. I'm not sure, but I don't recall anyone ever saying "anyone ever deserved to be cheated on." And I also love how just discussing things openly and throwing out different points of view is "stirring the pot."

This is only about the 9th time I've said I don't condone cheating, just trying to explain why it happens sometimes, and some of you are taking it personally and getting upset, and I have no idea why?

Possibly because many women (and men) on the boards have been on the poo-end of the stick with this cheating business and have their lives turned upside down or ruined by a lying, cheating, scum-sucking loser. SO when you (or anyone) comes along and tries to give an explanation (or an excuse...whatever) for the cheating (which we all can agree is wrong no matter the reason) people get upset.

I think that's a fair assessment.

And honestly, while I GET your "explanation", I also reject it as an answer. For me, a person cheats because they are a weak, immature, scum-sucking, low-life, dog/witch. If they were a REAL man/woman, they would end the relationship before trying for a new one.

 

[livie1205]

That's easy - my ex-wife and I were into completely different things:

I was into building a secure, happy future for us and our daughter, and trying to be the best husband I could be.


She was into sleeping with other guys.

Worked out okay though. I have been happily married to for almost 23 years, have three wonderful kids (the daughter I had with my ex-wife, and then a son and daughter with my wife), and three terrific grandkids.

She has gone thru a succession of failed relationships and has pretty much turned into a sour, miserable person

Karma

Wow! you lived my dh life ....his divorce was for the same reason..I divorced my ex husband because he was a abusive control freak phyco....I am now very happy married to what I think of as my only dh and we have 3 kids (his,mine and ours of which I think of as OURS).

 

[IdesOmarch]

So you're in the "men cheat because their woman isn't a wife and meeting their needs" camp? OK

when my ex would go. out. of. his. way to do something that he KNEW would piss me off... I guess I should have been more than happy to overlook that and have him meet his buddy BJ?

as I'm walking in the door after getting the baby up and out to day care; working 8 1/2 hours; fighting rush hour traffic to get to the day care before they closed to pick the baby back up; don't even have my coat off or the door closed only to hear "what are you making for supper" while he's. had. his. butt. parked. on the couch for the past 2 hours... I should be whipping that slinky little negligee and heels on out (of course AFTER I've washed the dishes and thrown a load of laundry in while he relaxes in front of the tube).

after hearing "I don't need to go to marriage counseling. Everything's just fine with me but YOU should go to counseling cuz you're nuts" for the umpteenth time why wouldn't I feel "in the mood?"

as I'm wondering how on earth the mortgage will get paid as he's outside playing with his new whatever tool/toy when he KNOWS we don't have the money for it.. yep, that's just fueling my passions and desire!


I'm so sick of hearing how these cheaters (men and women both) try.... TRY.... to justify why they cheat. Take a frickin look in the mirror! Your (general, cheater "your") actions and/or inactions are what makes your SO utterly repulsed at the thought of being intimate with you. Try meeting your wife's/husband's needs first and then you'll find they'll be more than willing to reciprocate. Cheaters are nothing but selfish, thoughtless, immature sleaze.

First off, I do empathize with your situation, and to be fair, I'm not saying anything remotely like that. If your man isn't doing his part, then he's at fault just as much. If he's sitting on his behind, not helping, not working, not doing his part around the house, not picking up his laundry, and/or forking over the money for a maid, then he is at fault just as much. And no with your situation I wouldn't expect you to snap into the mood, throw on some heels and get prepared for any action. I know if you have no incentive, you aren't going to be interested in that. I get that. I'm saying that both partners have to work together, if one is not pulling their load, things are going to get messed up.

 

[snapppyd]

BTW ya'll, for the record, I think I should be clear. I'm not married. My SO does live with me, but we are not married, yet. When I discuss these things, please do not jump to the conclusion that I am necessarily talking about myself, you or anyone else, sometimes I am just talking about how things can be, and are sometimes.

So that whole thread about "someone" not wanting to dress up was NOT about you and your SO? And you are not married but you are telling married women how to keep their man?

By the way, maybe she is waiting for a nice wedding ring to go with those new shoes? Just a thought

 

[Liberty Belle]

First off, I do empathize with your situation, and to be fair, I'm not saying anything remotely like that. If your man isn't doing his part, then he's at fault just as much. If he's sitting on his behind, not helping, not working, not doing his part around the house, not picking up his laundry, and/or forking over the money for a maid, then he is at fault just as much. And no with your situation I wouldn't expect you to snap into the mood, throw on some heels and get prepared for any action. I know if you have no incentive, you aren't going to be interested in that. I get that. I'm saying that both partners have to work together, if one is not pulling their load, things are going to get messed up.

That sure sounds different from the 90% you'd mentioned earlier.

 

[IdesOmarch]

So that whole thread about "someone" not wanting to dress up was NOT about you and your SO? And you are not married but you are telling married women how to keep their man?

By the way, maybe she is waiting for a nice wedding ring to go with those new shoes? Just a thought

First off, I'm not "telling" anyone anything. Just expressing a point of view. You can take it or leave it. Second, I realize I espouse the "man's" point of view 90% of the time on here, but that is just natural since, I think the female perspective is normally comprehensively and 100% covered.

Third, I don't want you or anyone else to take this personally. I have no idea why you said you were getting upset. I wasn't even remotely talking about you specifically, just throwing out things as I see them in general.

Fourth, I'm not saying that it always has to be about the man, the man can do no wrong, the woman must be a slave to the man, no, that's not what I"m saying. I'm saying that both people have to work at their relationship. If one is not doing their job, things are going to get messed up. This applies equally to both partners. But both must equally put forth effort, or otherwise its not going to happen. After all, if you don't feed your dog, he'll die, and if your dog doesn't bark at burglers when he's supposed to, you'll get a new dog. It works both ways.

 

[IdesOmarch]

So that whole thread about "someone" not wanting to dress up was NOT about you and your SO? And you are not married but you are telling married women how to keep their man?

By the way, maybe she is waiting for a nice wedding ring to go with those new shoes? Just a thought

And BTW, she has one. The reason we're not married yet is because she doesn't want to yet. Tax purposes. But trust me, the only difference between my relationship and any other married couple is the fact that we don't have one of those official pieces of paper from the court house yet, and that's about it.

 

[LuvMickey36]

10 yrs of physical/mental/sexual abuse, not being allowed out of the house without him for any reason and serial cheating to name a few. Finally woke up one day and the lump on my head must have knocked some sense into me. Called my dad to come and get me, hired a PI and then a great attorney. Have never looked back.

I know that not all men are bad, there are bad apples everywhere. Male or female

 

[IdesOmarch]

I'm sorry to hear that, but sounds like it worked out for the best.

Contrary to some opinion, not all men cheat, beat their wives, treat them like dirt, yell and scream at them, expect them to do all of the housework, and expect them to have dinner on the table like clockwork. Just so you know.

 

[NMAmy]

I'm sorry to hear that, but sounds like it worked out for the best.

Contrary to some opinion, not all men cheat, beat their wives, treat them like dirt, yell and scream at them, expect them to do all of the housework, and expect them to have dinner on the table like clockwork. Just so you know.

You know, I asked for stories from divorced people about why they got divorced. Since you're neither married nor divorced, I'm not sure why you're so vehement about pointing out that those of us who were actually in a certain situation cannot have anywhere near as much insight into that situation as you, someone who has never been divorced. You seem to delight in taunting people who are going through a difficult time and I find that despicable.

I hope that other posters who'd like to share their reasons continue to do so and ignore the baiting from this particular poster.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

What's the difference between cheating and getting a divorce? Sounds like you would much prefer a divorce, which is fine, but one leads to the other.

I am not condoning cheating, I'm explaining why it happens 90% of the time, and you gals, want to ignore all of this and just explain it with, "oh the guy is just a piece of yada yada." But I'm telling you that, that may be true in some cases, but in a lot of other cases, it happens because you women aren't being a wife. You do your own thing, and don't worry about your partners needs, and then expect things to be all hunky dorey, and then if anything goes wrong, its his fault, he's not a real man, he's a loser, etc etc. (I'm not saying you, I don't know you, but just saying in general.)

Proof? I'm a man, and I'm telling you it is true. We men know these things. Do you want to talk to a list of my guy friends that are either cheating, or on the verge of doing so because of this very reason? I'm not condoning it, just explaining it. Trust me it is true. I'm not saying that this is the only single reason that men will cheat. I'm saying that it is a big reason.

There are certain maxims that exist with the creature known as the human male. This is one. I didn't make it up, I didn't create man to be this way, I don't even always like being a man, I'm just telling you that that is how things are.

Just talking. Or maybe its because you like Greenday.

And to the other one about "that it's just an excuse, they 'had' to cheat, or whatever, talk it out, then get a divorce." My answer to that is, the divorce will be on its way one way or another. And what about if there are talks, but you don't listen, or don't really take any action to rectify the situation. Or pay lip service but then end up blowing it off after you throw out a bone.

I'm telling you ladies that you really don't understand the way the man's mind works. You think that they are like you, but they're not, they are very different. Remember the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus thing?

And to all of this, I say:

There is a REASON you're (again, general "you") not gettin' any at home. And - no percentage thrown out but I'll go out on a limb to say - you usually need a mirror to find the reason.

A mature, responsible adult (again, male or female) will try to uncover the root cause and deal with it. Maybe it will result in a stronger, happier, more fulfilling marriage. Maybe it will end in divorce. Either way, said adult will deal with the situation through to it's end before finding a new playmate. If your SO throws out a bone every once and a while and you get suckered into thinking that's the end only to find it isn't - again, look in the mirror. You're the sucker letting it continue. End it before you involve a third person.

On the other hand, a childish, weak, selfish pig will pout "Poor me. My needs aren't being met. If you won't take care of me at home, then I'll just go get a little sumpin on the side." They don't have the fortitude to slog through the emotional muck that is eroding the relationship. Marital issues are now multiplied tenfold, families are torn apart, and the cheater - male or female - is exposed as a slimeball.

Cheaters only try to come up with "reasons" to cheat in an attempt to appear to be the victim. They need to feel justified. In actuality they're the offender.

 

[nuke]

And to all of this, I say:

There is a REASON you're (again, general "you") not gettin' any at home. And - no percentage thrown out but I'll go out on a limb to say - you usually need a mirror to find the reason.

A mature, responsible adult (again, male or female) will try to uncover the root cause and deal with it. Maybe it will result in a stronger, happier, more fulfilling marriage. Maybe it will end in divorce. Either way, said adult will deal with the situation through to it's end before finding a new playmate. If your SO throws out a bone every once and a while and you get suckered into thinking that's the end only to find it isn't - again, look in the mirror. You're the sucker letting it continue. End it before you involve a third person.

On the other hand, a childish, weak, selfish pig will pout "Poor me. My needs aren't being met. If you won't take care of me at home, then I'll just go get a little sumpin on the side." They don't have the fortitude to slog through the emotional muck that is eroding the relationship. Marital issues are now multiplied tenfold, families are torn apart, and the cheater - male or female - is exposed as a slimeball.

Cheaters only try to come up with "reasons" to cheat in an attempt to appear to be the victim. They need to feel justified. In actuality they're the offender.

Amen!

 

[IdesOmarch]

You know, I asked for stories from divorced people about why they got divorced. Since you're neither married nor divorced, I'm not sure why you're so vehement about pointing out that those of us who were actually in a certain situation cannot have anywhere near as much insight into that situation as you, someone who has never been divorced. You seem to delight in taunting people who are going through a difficult time and I find that despicable.

I hope that other posters who'd like to share their reasons continue to do so and ignore the baiting from this particular poster.

How is it taunting when I said up front that I was sorry to hear that? I thought I was being sympathetic. And I have not "taunted" anyone. You need to take another look at that, I have no idea where you got that. I have not been mean to anyone. All I have done is throw out some explanations as to why some people cheat sheesh, forget it.

 

[singleinthe city]

Nothing was my fault. Of course not.

Does anyone else find it amusing not a single person on this thread has taken any responsibility for their divorce? It was all the spouse's fault. Everyone here was the perfect spouse and the other spouse was a snake, *****, etc.

 

[badblackpug]

He couldn't keep it in his pants....

 

[bdcp]

It is a two way street and there are at least two sides to every story.

My BIL has been divorced for about 7 years and remarried for about 5. He blames his ex for the entire divorce. Was she perfect? No, but it's both of their faults. He says it's because she wouldn't sleep with him anymore. She had her reasons and knowing how he is, I can see why. No abuse, no physical cheating, no insanity, no drug or alcohol abuse, none of what people think of as the typical reasons. He said she wouldn't take his side against her family and he couldn't figure out why her brother's wife wouldn't take his side against the family either. Let's just say his huge arrogant ego and her closeness to her family all played a part. He plays the martyr, but he really likes being a victim. She tells people he cheated and he denies it. I know for a fact he never cheated physically, but he did emotionally. He says that's not cheating, even though my DH (his brother) told him it is. He most definitely was closer to a woman he worked with than he should have been.

He's remarried to a very nice woman, but her history isn't great. She's been married twice and had at least two broken live-in relationships too. She says ALL the men cheated on her, so I'm not sure if she's just lousy at choosing men or it's something else.

All in all, people divorce for a variety of reasons, but the one that bugs me the most is the "I don't love him/her anymore". Love is not a constant, it ebbs and flows and it is a CHOICE to continue loving someone. BTW, DH and I have been married 30 years and we love each other unconditionally, but there have been times it's been hard, but no one ever said it gets to be easy. We choose to stay and love each other every day. We were 21 and 24 when we married and have grown and changed considerably since the day we met.

I just think everyone has their reasons and we may not agree with them, but we are all responsible for ourselves and our behavior. Everyone has to live with the decisions they make in life and some are necessary.

 

[SookieStackhouse]

Immaturity
Both of us acted childish due to above
Constant fighting due to the two reasons listed above

...this many years after the fact, it just seems stupid

 

[snapppyd]

It is a two way street and there are at least two sides to every story.

My BIL has been divorced for about 7 years and remarried for about 5. He blames his ex for the entire divorce. Was she perfect? No, but it's both of their faults. He says it's because she wouldn't sleep with him anymore. She had her reasons and knowing how he is, I can see why. No abuse, no physical cheating, no insanity, no drug or alcohol abuse, none of what people think of as the typical reasons. He said she wouldn't take his side against her family and he couldn't figure out why her brother's wife wouldn't take his side against the family either. Let's just say his huge arrogant ego and her closeness to her family all played a part. He plays the martyr, but he really likes being a victim. She tells people he cheated and he denies it. I know for a fact he never cheated physically, but he did emotionally. He says that's not cheating, even though my DH (his brother) told him it is. He most definitely was closer to a woman he worked with than he should have been.

He's remarried to a very nice woman, but her history isn't great. She's been married twice and had at least two broken live-in relationships too. She says ALL the men cheated on her, so I'm not sure if she's just lousy at choosing men or it's something else.

All in all, people divorce for a variety of reasons, but the one that bugs me the most is the "I don't love him/her anymore". Love is not a constant, it ebbs and flows and it is a CHOICE to continue loving someone. BTW, DH and I have been married 30 years and we love each other unconditionally, but there have been times it's been hard, but no one ever said it gets to be easy. We choose to stay and love each other every day. We were 21 and 24 when we married and have grown and changed considerably since the day we met.

I just think everyone has their reasons and we may not agree with them, but we are all responsible for ourselves and our behavior.

I agree with this (bolded). You make the choice to work at it, it is an ever changing dynamic.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think cheating speaks volumes about the person doing the cheating. It speaks to their level of ethics (or lack thereof). It speaks to their lack of character.

There is nothing that can condone cheating. Nothing.

If your spouse is not making you happy and is not interested in making any attempt to make you happy, then you should get a divorce. The moment you cheat, you become that which is abhorrent...a dishonest person without character.

 

[marybet]

Does anyone else find it amusing not a single person on this thread has taken any responsibility for their divorce? It was all the spouse's fault. Everyone here was the perfect spouse and the other spouse was a snake, *****, etc.

Are you reading the same thread I'm reading? Several people have said they were young, foolish, immature, one was even in lust. I think they are taking responsibility.