so sick of my parents and their favorite....

[lovin diz]

Let me start by saying my family is very close. I have always been my dads favorite, and my sis has always been my moms favorite. That is just the way it has always been, and everyone knows it....My dad is easy going like me, and my mom and sis are hot tempered. kwim.

When i was 17 (sis was 11) i was not allowed to date. So i chose to leave home and moved in with dh. Eventually we married and had dd, that was 15 years ago. Mom NEVER forgave dh. I hear what trash he is all of the time. How horrible he was for taking me away and getting me pregnant before we were married...etc. (sis and her hubby lived together before they were married also--but it is ok for them?!?)

I guess mom and dad tried to keep my sis at home...She has been given 2 brand new cars, and just plum spoiled. Everything dh and i have is because we work for it....

This am i get a phone call from sis saying my mom gave her and her new husband lsu / florida tickets for his b-day. Wanta know what my dh got from mom and dad for his b-day? Yeah you guessed it.....NOTHING!!!

Its not just about the tickets and the cars; yes, dh and i have struggled in the past, and it would have been nice to get some help, but it is so much more than that. I would be so satisfied if they respected him. I have really bad epilepsy, and dh takes such good care of me. they just totally look over that. But we have to walk on egg shells around my sis's dh, because if things dont go his way he has a fit...She isnt even allowed to carry a debit card..she called me the other day asking me to meet her to give her some $$ b/c she is not allowed to use the debit card...and she works....WTH???

I dont think things will ever change......You would think i would be used to it by now!

Sorry so long! Vent over!!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Let me start by saying my family is very close. I have always been my dads favorite, and my sis has always been my moms favorite. That is just the way it has always been, and everyone knows it....My dad is easy going like me, and my mom and sis are hot tempered. kwim.

When i was 17 (sis was 11) i was not allowed to date. So i chose to leave home and moved in with dh. Eventually we married and had dd, that was 15 years ago. Mom NEVER forgave dh. I hear what trash he is all of the time. How horrible he was for taking me away and getting me pregnant before we were married...etc. (sis and her hubby lived together before they were married also--but it is ok for them?!?)

I guess mom and dad tried to keep my sis at home...She has been given 2 brand new cars, and just plum spoiled. Everything dh and i have is because we work for it....

This am i get a phone call from sis saying my mom gave her and her new husband lsu / florida tickets for his b-day. Wanta know what my dh got from mom and dad for his b-day? Yeah you guessed it.....NOTHING!!!

Its not just about the tickets and the cars; yes, dh and i have struggled in the past, and it would have been nice to get some help, but it is so much more than that. I would be so satisfied if they respected him. I have really bad epilepsy, and dh takes such good care of me. they just totally look over that. But we have to walk on egg shells around my sis's dh, because if things dont go his way he has a fit...She isnt even allowed to carry a debit card..she called me the other day asking me to meet her to give her some $$ b/c she is not allowed to use the debit card...and she works....WTH???

I dont think things will ever change......You would think i would be used to it by now!

Sorry so long! Vent over!!!

Things will change, when you change. That is the secret.

Sister calls you up to gloat, call her out and tell her how hurtful that is. Let her know you do not want to know about how mom and dad put her on a pedestal.

Mom and dad treat your dh like crap, keep contact and communication down to the bare minimum. I would not tolerate that for 1 second.

Sister's dh is an jerk, don't go over there. I would not walk on eggshells for him.

In other words quit indulging their baloney. Yes, it means you have to give them up but if you have hit the wall, change can be good. Put the focus of your life somewhere else.

 

[TwingleMum]

I agree with Mystery. Life isn't fair and often what we make of it. It sounds like for all your parents coddling of your sister she isn't happy. You have to ask yourself if your happy with your life choices and go on from there. I would not allow anyone to disrespect my DH. We just wouldn't go anymore. Things change when you change. You can't keep going down the same road and expect to get somewhere different. JMHO.

 

[sunnyday123]

I agree with the above poster. You have to force the change. This is the exact scenario I have lived with my parents and brother. He could do no wrong, and it's now extended to his kids. Couldn't tell them anything about my daughter without having it interrupted with something totally unrelated about his kids, he's been given cars, a free place to live his entire life ( they took over my Dad's house and he converted a family room to his living area) and I was told a few years ago he gets the beach house, boat, and everything else related to it. I get the house mortgaged to the hilt. My brother is 33 and has never purchased an article of clothing for himself. My Mother takes him clothes-bagfuls-at least once a month. Pays for his truck ( that she bought ) to get inspected, his insurance, etc. Pays him to help do anything around her house. I tried to tell them both about my DD being in the hospital with kidney stones, and they interrupted me to tell me how my brothers baby didn't like getting a shot at the Dr.

Then one day, I had an epiphany. I was letting them treat me this way. The next time either one of them started, I let loose. I told them both I was tired of the way they treated me and my daughter and it wasn't happening anymore. I listed all of the inconsistencies, their favortisim, etc. Then I told them until they decided to treat us like they did my brother and his family, bye-bye. And I didn't talk to either of them for months.

Only you can allow someone else to make you feel bad. Honestly, if this has gone on for so long, it might be a long battle, but I would start with asking them why they do this. Call them out on it, don't let them get away with their favortisim.

This is why I only had one child. I coudln't bear the thought of my DD feeling the way I did growing up.

 

[lovin diz]

This is why I only had one child. I coudln't bear the thought of my DD feeling the way I did growing up.

I told dh the same thing....We have 1 child...I told him i hope that is ok, b/c i will never have another. She is perfect in my eyes, and i would NOT allow my self to treat a child like i have been treated.....

Thanks for your responses. My cousin is getting married friday night, and i just told my mom we are not going b/c we are going to have family time friday night.

 

[Kim&Chris]

First of all,

Second, I think there are many people out there like you (and me, but I won't bore you with the details of my 30-year long saga).

It bothered me to the point of tears for the last 25 years. So incredibly unfair, and cruel. How parents can be so generous and concerned about one, yet not the other, is simply beyond me.

About a year ago I made a decision that I was going to free myself of the burden of this. It was hard, because, after all, she is my mother, but I realized I could not waste any more precious time being angry and hurt over something that I had no control over and something that was not my fault.

I now talk to my mom rarely. It was hard at first, but I am no longer that bitter person I was years ago. If I don't have to hear it, then I don't have to dwell on the unfairness. I can't tell you to do the same, but I do understand how angry and sad you feel, and I hope you can find some peace.

 

[NMAmy]

As others have said, you will have to be the one to stop it or just cut them out of your life. I know it's hard. It took my mother treating my dd the same way she'd always treated me to get me to realize that I did not have to allow her to do that.

I told my mom that I loved her but I was no longer a child and I was not required to let her treat me or my child that way--I could and I would cut her off from us completely. I think my mom was a bit shocked but when I spelled out exactly what she was doing, she was mortified. She still has her moments but she's made a determined effort to change her behavior and I really respect her for that.

 

[KAMKIM]

Let me start by saying my family is very close. I have always been my dads favorite, and my sis has always been my moms favorite. That is just the way it has always been, and everyone knows it....My dad is easy going like me, and my mom and sis are hot tempered. kwim.

When i was 17 (sis was 11) i was not allowed to date. So i chose to leave home and moved in with dh. Eventually we married and had dd, that was 15 years ago. Mom NEVER forgave dh. I hear what trash he is all of the time. How horrible he was for taking me away and getting me pregnant before we were married...etc. (sis and her hubby lived together before they were married also--but it is ok for them?!?)

I guess mom and dad tried to keep my sis at home...She has been given 2 brand new cars, and just plum spoiled. Everything dh and i have is because we work for it....

This am i get a phone call from sis saying my mom gave her and her new husband lsu / florida tickets for his b-day. Wanta know what my dh got from mom and dad for his b-day? Yeah you guessed it.....NOTHING!!!

Its not just about the tickets and the cars; yes, dh and i have struggled in the past, and it would have been nice to get some help, but it is so much more than that. I would be so satisfied if they respected him. I have really bad epilepsy, and dh takes such good care of me. they just totally look over that. But we have to walk on egg shells around my sis's dh, because if things dont go his way he has a fit...She isnt even allowed to carry a debit card..she called me the other day asking me to meet her to give her some $$ b/c she is not allowed to use the debit card...and she works....WTH???

I dont think things will ever change......You would think i would be used to it by now!

Sorry so long! Vent over!!!

Your sisters DH is a jerk, and I happen to know someone just like that...everyone is so careful what they say to him because of his fits - except me, we dont get along



Hang in their OP, sounds like YOU have a great husband and you know what no amount of tickets or favoritism can replace that. Maybe that is why your sister gloats...she is probably more jealous of you and your DH than you know.

 

[HM]

I feel so bad for all of you that have this family problem. I just can't imagine. {{HUGS}}

 

[wdwfan16]

Be thankful for what you have not what you don't have. Would you rather have the new cars and be married to BIL or not have the cars and a great DH?

 

[lillygator]

First of all,

Second, I think there are many people out there like you (and me, but I won't bore you with the details of my 30-year long saga).

It bothered me to the point of tears for the last 25 years. So incredibly unfair, and cruel. How parents can be so generous and concerned about one, yet not the other, is simply beyond me.

About a year ago I made a decision that I was going to free myself of the burden of this. It was hard, because, after all, she is my mother, but I realized I could not waste any more precious time being angry and hurt over something that I had no control over and something that was not my fault.

I now talk to my mom rarely. It was hard at first, but I am no longer that bitter person I was years ago. If I don't have to hear it, then I don't have to dwell on the unfairness. I can't tell you to do the same, but I do understand how angry and sad you feel, and I hope you can find some peace.

I could have written this.

My mom is the same way. Quite frankly if I wasn't the only one with Grandkids, she would probably ride off into the sunset with my sister. I finally had to let it go.

 

[KAMKIM]

Be thankful for what you have not what you don't have. Would you rather have the new cars and be married to BIL or not have the cars and a great DH?

My thoughts exactly.

 

[JessicaR]

I told dh the same thing....We have 1 child...I told him i hope that is ok, b/c i will never have another. She is perfect in my eyes, and i would NOT allow my self to treat a child like i have been treated.....

Thanks for your responses. My cousin is getting married friday night, and i just told my mom we are not going b/c we are going to have family time friday night.

As far as your first post, Mystery Machine said what I would have. You have to change your reaction to it all, you aren't going to change them.

In this post you said, "My cousin is getting married Friday night, and i just told my mom we are not going b/c we are going to have family time Friday night."

I don't understand this at all. First did you RSVP to your cousin that you would be at her wedding? Why hurt her? Deal with your issue with the person you have conflict with. You are bringing other family members into this when you really shouldnt. Address each situation with each person directly.

I hope you can find some peace and resolve your relationships with your family members. Sometimes that isn't possible but perpetuating the conflict only makes things worse.

 

[KAMKIM]

I told dh the same thing....We have 1 child...I told him i hope that is ok, b/c i will never have another. She is perfect in my eyes, and i would NOT allow my self to treat a child like i have been treated.....

Thanks for your responses. My cousin is getting married friday night, and i just told my mom we are not going b/c we are going to have family time friday night.

OP, keep in mind, most parents do not pick a favorite child...once you have more than one you will understand. Obviously favoritism exists but I would say it's rare.

I find it quite easy to love both of my children equally (something I did not think was possible until my second DD came along)

 

[FireDancer]

It sounds like a pretty stressful family situation. I think there are actually two separate issues in your post, but in the circumstances they appear to be one. One is the actual favoritism your sister is getting because of her relationship with your mom and the other is the natural babying that often comes with being the youngest.

In addressing the first I have to say it is pretty bad when any parent has a favorite to the point where the kids know which it is. I have two brothers, and if my parents had a favorite growing up none of us could tell who it was. We are very different people, so our parents interaction with us was quite different but that was a result of our personalities and how they had to parent us, not which they liked.


The second is that the youngest usually gets the most freedom and also the most given to them. I think it starts when they are kids. When your first kid comes along they often times have all of your attention. That means when they fall you rush over to them and when they cry you are quick to pick them up and comfort them. By the time your 3rd or 4th come along you have learned that kids fall and they will pick themselves up. You learn that kids cry and if you check and they are alright you can let them cry a bit. After all you have 2 or 3 other kids there also taking some attention.

This continues when they get older. I am the oldest and was the first to be an adolescent and first to be a teen. My parents were the most strict with me because they were learning along with me and many times the reaction to the unknown is overly conservative. This is not only in parenting but in life in general. By the time my youngest brother was older they knew that a little freedom isn't going to kill him and he was much more free than me.

The dating thing was never an issue but almost all of my female friends or girlfriends I have had that were the oldest talked about how they couldn't date until they were older than their sister.

I agree though that if you are put in the situation you can't control it but you can control your reaction to it. Hopefully in time the rest of your family will realize that if they continue to push you away eventually you won't see any reason to come back.

 

[NMAmy]

OP, keep in mind, most parents do not pick a favorite child...once you have more than one you will understand. Obviously favoritism exists but I would say it's rare.

I find it quite easy to love both of my children equally (something I did not think was possible until my second DD came along)

My mother often tells people that she has no favorite child and she loves all three of her daughters equally. However, her actions over the years tell quite a different story than her words do--enough so that outsiders notice the difference.

I don't think it's all that rare. I see it all the time--my ex was his mother's favored child; DH's has three brothers and one was obviously his mother's favorite and another was his father's. I see it in other families quite often, too.

I'm glad you've never had to deal with it but I've seen a lot of families that do deal with it. And, yes, it is one huge reason why my dd is an only child.

 

[lovin diz]

I don't understand this at all. First did you RSVP to your cousin that you would be at her wedding? Why hurt her? Deal with your issue with the person you have conflict with. You are bringing other family members into this when you really shouldnt. Address each situation with each person directly.

I told dh that i will call and congratulate her...But, (my goodness i am about to sound so ungrateful) when i hear for 15 years how trashy i was for living with dh and getting pregnant all the time, and all 5 grandchildren have done the same thing, yet they had the huge wedding showers, all new appliances, etc. they had the beautiful weddings and expensive honey moons, it kindof gets to me... DH and i got our first couch out of a dumpster...and had to eat with plastic plates, forks, and knives...Yes in 15 years the Good Lord has truly blessed us.. and i am so thankful for the things i do have--I do block it out most of the time, but this am, when my sis called, it just really got to me...and while i am posting this, dh just called to wish me a great day, and tell me he loves me!

I am sorry to all of you who have gone through the same thing....to you!

 

[agnes!]

I'm still a little puzzled as to why you aren't going to go to your cousin's wedding. Is it because (in addition to DSis) she is also held up as some paragon by your DMom or the grands while your family is treated like the spawn of Satan? Is how she is treated by your DMom or by the grandparents *her* fault?

And your DH sounds WONDERFUL. You each must think the other is quite the catch !

agnes!

 

[MusiqChic99]

I think this stuff is WAY too common. I've talked to all my friends about stuff like this and it happens in their families too.

If you looked at how much my mom has given to my sister and what she has given to me...well lets just say my piggy bank is empty while my sisters is overflowing.

I dont know. I mentioned it to my mom once and she told me she didn't do so much for me because she knew I could do it myself. My sister needed her because she was irresponsible with money and her kids. I'm happy my mom thinks I can do it ...because I can and have proved that over and over again. However I wish she would teach my sister a lesson and not be so generous for her bad judgements.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with everyone else....

While it is VERY painful... this will go on as long as you, YOU, allow yourself to partake in it, and enable it.

If I were to offer any advice, I would simply tell your mother, that as long as she is so free to verbalize her hatred for your DH, and for you... if she hates him/you/your child, THAT much, then you will simply do her a favor and relieve her of that burdon.... That you will simply go on about your life and not bother with her any longer...

Your child is now seeing this and is now being affected by this as well...

Things may improve if you you are lucky enough to establish a new status-quo. But, IMHO, there is a 99.99% chance that this will not happen.

It is very painful, but you can move forward and establish your own positive, happy, life without this kind of toxic exposure.


PS: NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, STARTING TODAY, I WOULD SIMPLY NOT ALLOW ONE SINGLE WORD OF DISRESPECT OR HATRED ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND ( YOUR CHILD'S FATHER!!! ). I was on the receiving end of unfounded hatred from my inlaws. To my husband, they were god, and I was expected to be subjected to their disrespect and inappropriate treatment on a weekly basis. This is just NOT right. Do not expect your DH to have to deal with this. It is not appropriate. I can say that we have a pretty decent marriage, but this IS a dealbreaker. It came close to being the end of our marriage until I finally spoke with my husband and established my boundaries and said 'never again'. The day this affected my little son, and he was also disrespected, was the last day that I ever spoke with my FIL.

Again,