so sick of my parents and their favorite....

[Kim&Chris]

I dont know. I mentioned it to my mom once and she told me she didn't do so much for me because she knew I could do it myself. My sister needed her because she was irresponsible with money and her kids. I'm happy my mom thinks I can do it ...because I can and have proved that over and over again. However I wish she would teach my sister a lesson and not be so generous for her bad judgements.

I think you and I must be related.

 

[TwinsinCA]

Did your parents show favoritism while you were growing up? Or did this all start when you moved out at 17.

 

[Stitchfans]

Really sorry. I seldom heard about things like this when I was younger, but it seems to be the "in" thing now, with parents and grandparents alike. I never felt it until my mom passed away, and my dad remarried.But being an adult, I just sweep it under the rug, don't really care right now. It started right away though with grandparents once I started having children. Never could understand how a parent or grandparent could play that ugly game?

 

[TLHB70]

First of all,

Second, I think there are many people out there like you (and me, but I won't bore you with the details of my 30-year long saga).

It bothered me to the point of tears for the last 25 years. So incredibly unfair, and cruel. How parents can be so generous and concerned about one, yet not the other, is simply beyond me.

About a year ago I made a decision that I was going to free myself of the burden of this. It was hard, because, after all, she is my mother, but I realized I could not waste any more precious time being angry and hurt over something that I had no control over and something that was not my fault.

I now talk to my mom rarely. It was hard at first, but I am no longer that bitter person I was years ago. If I don't have to hear it, then I don't have to dwell on the unfairness. I can't tell you to do the same, but I do understand how angry and sad you feel, and I hope you can find some peace.

As others have said, you will have to be the one to stop it or just cut them out of your life. I know it's hard. It took my mother treating my dd the same way she'd always treated me to get me to realize that I did not have to allow her to do that.

I told my mom that I loved her but I was no longer a child and I was not required to let her treat me or my child that way--I could and I would cut her off from us completely. I think my mom was a bit shocked but when I spelled out exactly what she was doing, she was mortified. She still has her moments but she's made a determined effort to change her behavior and I really respect her for that.

Wow. I am reading this, and it sounds just like my story.
I always thought that I must be imagining things, that surely it couldn't be as bad as I thought it was. Surely my parents (mostly my mom) loved me as much as they did my brother. I just thought I was warped in my perception and thinking. DH noticed it and agreed with me, but I still kept denying that it was reality I guess. Then last year my two DDs stayed with my parents when we went down for a visit. DH and I were at a hotel. DDs called me crying, telling me that my parents treated them like dirt. They said that it was so obvious that my niece and nephew (my precious, dear brother's children) were the favorites. They went into the list of things that my parents said and done. (oldest DD was 13, youngest DD was 10 - they were together when events happened and their stories were the same so I believed them completely.) I was so horrified! I could not believe that I put my children in that position. I then realized that I could not be imagining it if my children recognized it when I was not even around. I confronted my mom about it. She denied it and told me that I am apparently jealous if my brother and his kids. She told me that I was NOT going to make her choose between her grandchildren. I told her that I was not trying to make her do that. She has since stopped calling us, emailing us, and more. She has not talked to my girls in just over a year, and she does not seem to care a bit. It hurts me, but I know that I have done what is best for my family.

I read a book that really helped me. A friend recommended it to me. It is titled Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud.

BTW OP, I am originally from Livingston Parish. I was born and raised in Walker. We moved from there in 2002.

 

[Darsa]

She isnt even allowed to carry a debit card..she called me the other day asking me to meet her to give her some $$ b/c she is not allowed to use the debit card...and she works....WTH???

Your entire post made me sad for you (my DH has the same sort of situation with his parents and sister), but THIS part made me go It would be a COLD DAY in... well, a really hot place... before my DH tells me what I can and can't do with the money that I earn. Wow. I can NOT imagine someone being that controlling. DH and I share our expenses and accounts and such, and there's no way either of us would ever think to tell the other what to do with the money. Unless it was being spent stupidly and before the bills of course; that's a whole other situation!

I would say you definitely should count your blessings that you don't have to deal with that kind of carp!

 

[postage stamp]

I guess I was lucky growing up that my parents really didn't show favorites between my sister, my brother, and myself. (Unless I'M the favorite and never realized it, but I don't think so.)

I have two little girls, and no, I don't love them the same. I don't love them the same because they are two very different people who need to be loved differently.

Nora needs to be praised for her accomplishments and told that she's pretty. Katie needs hugs and kisses and "I love you Peanut".

I can't imagine loving them exactly the same because they AREN'T the same, and I wasn't the same person when I had each of them.

That said your mother has NO right to talk down to your husband. I'd have a hell of a lot more of an issue with a man who tried to keep money from my daughter than one who loved her when she was 17. I can understand why your parents were upset when you left, BUT it's been 15 years, clearly your husband isn't the man they thought he was. And that's a GOOD thing.

 

[lovin diz]

Did your parents show favoritism while you were growing up? Or did this all start when you moved out at 17.

i was always my dads favorite, and sis was always moms. I would always go hunting and fishing with dad, while sis and mom stayed at home. but when i left home, it really showed how much mom favored sis, and her anger with me. dad says just ignore her that is how mom is. But it is so hard to just get over it!

 

[eeyoremum]

Really sorry. I seldom heard about things like this when I was younger, but it seems to be the "in" thing now, with parents and grandparents alike. I never felt it until my mom passed away, and my dad remarried.But being an adult, I just sweep it under the rug, don't really care right now. It started right away though with grandparents once I started having children. Never could understand how a parent or grandparent could play that ugly game?

I don't know if it is the generation or if it is just the "in" thing right now but my grandmother was like this in the 70s. Horrible as all get out to me not anyone else just me.

My mother started a few years ago. Always bad mouthing DH and putting my DS down. When I was pregnant for the second time (high risk) I was told out right it had better be a girl since I am putting her through so much grief??? WTH I'm the one that is pregnant. I had a boy btw

Fast forward to about 6 years ago. DH and her had a huge blow out fight. It was both aweful and the best thing that happened to me. I no longer speak with most of my family because of the blow out. Occationally I will get a sobbing crying phone call (at work since I moved with no forwarded address or phone number) because of what I did to her and how DH was an $##%. Oh and to tell me how as a Christian I am not living correctly (She who never ever graces a church and does not believe in God or religion) because I should forgive and forget...well the Bible says to forgive BUT you don't have to continue putting yourself in a situation that is bad for you and your family. The Bible also says that you leave your mother and father to cleave to your wife (or husband). Oh and btw SHE did nothing it is all OUR fault. Oh and I was told to choose her or my DH at holiday time and so forth because she would never be in his company again and i was not to speak of him

I won't tell you its easy (especially at holiday time) but you can't let it go on. I did not realize her behaviour effected my children until I left the situation. My oldest has memories that are not pleasant of her (he actually told me about a year ago he called her "Old Iron Face" behind her back) my youngest none.

Because of the way my Grandparents treated me as a child I have zero tolerance for older people now. Pretty much can't stand them. I just see them all in the same light. I don't want my children to have people like that in their lives so I made a choice for me it was the right one.

 

[SNylund]

This kind of thing stinks, I can't imagine playing favorites with your children. My advice would be just to try and keep it out of your mind and concentrate on your own family and making things as good as they can be there at your own home.

 

[ilovejack02]

i was always my dads favorite, and sis was always moms. I would always go hunting and fishing with dad, while sis and mom stayed at home. but when i left home, it really showed how much mom favored sis, and her anger with me. dad says just ignore her that is how mom is. But it is so hard to just get over it!

It is odd that your dad doesnt lay down the law with her. He needs to take up for you.

 

[threecrazykids]

I dont know. I mentioned it to my mom once and she told me she didn't do so much for me because she knew I could do it myself.

I think you and I must be related.

We're all related I think! I hear the exact same excuse from my mother..."I don't do it for you because you have a brand new beautiful house and good jobs etc"....and I always respond with "and with your help I learned that things aren't just handed to you...you must work hard and get good jobs to afford things like this". And then I follow up with "hmmm...apparently you're position on that has changed???"

Honestly though...there is always going to be some pathetic excuse about how it's not the mom that's the problem...it's the kids being selfish etc and jealous. Parents will hardly ever readily admit they treat one better than the other.