So now I guess it's my turn to vent?

[BeckyScott]

Some days you wonder why you keep trying.

This weekend is a guided turkey hunt for kids and kids with disabilities. I guess it's a really big deal. I signed both kids up for it, you know, since it said "disabilities" and since my DH is a hunter and all. And there are professional guides. And I suspected strongly that we wouldn't actually see anything or (heaven forbid) shoot anything, since a child screeching and flapping isn't exactly the way to attract a turkey. But I thought it would be a fun little adventure.

Tonight was registration and a meeting. I had to take both kids as DH was working. Took them straight from school.

Total chaos. And considering it was supposed to include kids with disabilities, well there were about 30 kids, and as far as I could tell, 4 had some sort of disability. (and I'm pretty good at spotting by now) The room was packed, there were camera people filming, it was a huge deal and also a huge mess. Most of the kids there looked like professional hunters, if that's possible when you're a kid.

First they had to sit for 20 minutes while some guy talked. Then they split into two groups, and our group was supposed to go out and practice a few rounds. It's pretty cold here today, and quite windy. By that point, DS-autism was getting pretty out-of-control, and DS-ADHD the Adderall had worn off and he became Possessed. And it was already after 5:00. After they practiced, they were supposed to go in and get their safety lesson, followed by dinner. I didn't know about dinner, and hadn't brought food for Allergy Boy, nothing there he could have eaten anyway.

There was another family with 2 boys with autism there, much more severe. Oldest DS was whining to me that the other boys were making noise and it was bothering him. I was horrified. He has a brother with autism, and there he stood acting like these other kids were a nuisance. And he wouldn't leave his brother alone. He kept telling him what to do. This is an ongoing problem we have here, he thinks he is in charge. And while we were out there, I swear I told him 15 times not to worry about his brother, that's my job, to pay attention to what he needed to listen to. We have a big attitude/defiance thing with that boy, and it's getting worse as he gets older, and it definately gets worse later in the day.

I can't take both of them anywhere by myself. I should know better. I can't control them by myself. I've tried it before, I don't know why I even bother.

We ended up just leaving right in the middle of it all, walked out. They didn't get to practice, nothing. I couldn't handle it any more. Trekked to the car and came home. Got a phone call later from the guides that were supposed to take us out tomorrow, wondering why we weren't at the meeting.

I was pretty much hysterical the whole way home. Mad, disappointed, frustrated. I thought since it was supposed to be "inclusive" we'd be okay, but I guess not. I've had the same thing happen before-- when DH had his black belt testing, you know, it was a big deal. There are lots of families and kids at those things so I thought we'd be okay. Ended up having to leave before it was DH's turn, I missed the whole thing, because both kids got so squirrely and out-of-control.

I don't know. I know my kids aren't "typical". But I also think maybe I missed the boat somewhere on parenting. They don't know how to act in public. And they don't act like that when DH is with us. So it must be me. I just wanted us to be normal, you know? I just want us to be able to do things sometimes, like a normal family. (okay, so maybe not every family goes turkey hunting, but you get the idea) I mean, that was like living in h*ll for 2 hours, both kids, non-stop, one whining that his brother is annoying him and those other kids are annoying him and he's cold and it's cold outside, and the other kid spinning his earplugs around in a circle apparantly trying to hit anyone in a 3-foot radius and the two of them fighting over a free map and did I have more potato chips and when was our turn and he touched me no he touched me first on and on and on When we were driving back, I called DH since it was his dinner break (I know I know driving and talking on the phone...) and both kids were in the back seat completely silent because I guess it took them until that point to realize that they'd really crossed over the line, big-time, and that what they'd done was totally not acceptable.

Okay, venting done. I was going to call a friend to vent, but she's just not going to understand it the same.

 

[alizesmom]

I am sorry. It's not too much to want a few hours of normal. It's something we all dream about. I think you are being harsh on yourself. Could your parenting skills be better? Sure, whose couldn't? Once you feel better then you can review and change if you feel you need to. Right now just remember that you love your boys and are doing the best you know how. Hugs. Karen

 

[scojos]

i too have 2 boys. eldest with adhd and youngest with aspergers, i also know how difficult it can be to do "normal" things with them.
do not beat yourself up, i regularly lose the plot, they need to know sometimes they have gone too far...
i find crying, as a visual thing, helps them both understand, i have learnt to cry on demand the last few years, maybe i should become an actress
big hugs to you and your boys :grouphug

tracy

 

[WheeledTraveler]

*hugs*

I'm not a parent so I can't really relate (yet), but I wanted to send my support. I really doubt it's anything you did or didn't do. I agree that you shouldn't beat yourself up about this.

Also, you said something about your DH being a blackbelt. Would the martial arts school he went to be at all willing to teach your kids and would they be interested? I used to take taekwondo and trained at a school that had people with all sorts of disabilities. I use a wheelchair and there were a couple others with physical disabilities, and then there were quite a few with what we just called "cognitive disabilities" (this name came from how people are classed for competition). In general we tried to mainstream everyone in classes with non-disabled peers, although we also had separate classes for those who really couldn't be integrated. I know from watching the various people (most of them kids) and from talking to some of the parents that they found that a lot of the discipline from martial arts was trickling back into every day life.

 

[bookwormde]

Hi BeckyScott

We all get in these situation occasionally (sometimes by accident and sometimes by trying to “challenge” our children with new experiences), it sound like this was a little of both. It sounds like the people putting on this event did not have a clue. I am willing to bet that their idea of a disability was a physical one. First It does not sound like they asked or required that the children have an at least 3 hour firearm/hunter safety class before participating. Maybe they thought a 20-minute talk to a large group of children in a chaotic environment and “popping of a few rounds would suffice. Obviously these were not “professional” guides. This is far from adequate for neurotypical children let alone ours.

If someone touts himself or herself as a professional (whether clinical, hunting, teaching or anything else) if my child is going to interface with them it troughs up a red flag. You can bet that I am going to “grill” them about their knowledge of their area of expertise and their ability to “relate” to a spectrum child along with the situation that is going to exist for my child. My wife cringes (unless she has gotten into one of these situation in the recent past) most of the time when I do this but the “real” professionals do not seem to mind.

We cannot keep are children in a “bubble” and it would be a great disservice to them to do so. We all learn every day and if we get into a “mall torture” situations like this we just deal with it the best we can.

Better luck next time. We have all been though it many times. I get over it right away (other than writing the “professional” a letter about how they could have made the experience “more appropriate”, my NT wife however takes it much more personally (I think to a great extent it is a mom thing).

bookwormde

 

[taximomfor4]

Awww. Let me say, at least you took it seriously and left. They will, eventually, hopefully learn from that.

I think you were wonderful and brave, for trying to take them both alone.

Hope you feel better soon. It stinks when our child's special needs smacks us right in the heart, doesn't it?

About them acting worse with just you, I was told it could be just a matter of how comfortable they are that you love them unconditionally. They can let loose with you a little more than with most people, and not stay so reigned in. It's supposed to be a compliment, hehe.

Anyway, you all were so supportive in my venting the other day, I felt the need to pay it forward!

 

[Luv Bunnies]

All I can say is, "Been there, done that!" You're not alone. We've had plenty of situations where our kids (one with Asperger's, one typical) said or did things that left us mortified! I think you did the right thing by leaving. When the kids aren't getting anything out of being there and you're being tortured, it's time to call it quits.

The only consolation I can offer is that it will get better. Someday, you'll take the kids somewhere and they'll do a great job. And you'll think, "Wow! We've come such a long way since the Turkey Hunt meeting!"

 

[KirstenB]

I'm sorry. It's like you're constantly trying to walk this fine line between enough sensory input, new experiences, etc, but not overloading them. Kudos to you for trying something new with them. It takes a lot of guts (and antacid tablets! ) for me to do that.

 

[Daydreamer64]

Your kids sound like my every day life - my boys act out like that if they get excited. He touched me, I wanted that " fill in the blank".....

I am far from the perfect parent, so some times I get overwhelmed, hurt, and mad at my kids!

It just seems that the more I try to do for them, the less they appreciate it all. I get really angry because I feel that they just don't care about _____ as much as I think they should, about me giving my time and effort to help them participate in special activities. They are great at school and usually ok at home, but get them in public and I don't know what happens to their manners!

Taking them home was the very best thing that you could do- they probably won't forget it any time in the near future, you can remind them that they will go home again if they can't behave up to your standards during the next activity.

Don't be hard on yourself for trying to give them a new experience. You did what I would have when it became apparent that the situation was not working out like you planned.

I hope you told the event planners who called, that they were not as clear as they thought they were in calling this an event for kids with disabilities, that kids have many different types of disabilities, and the kids with issues like your children, were not accomedated very well.

 

[Karinad]

I feel your pain. It's very hard trying to live in a "normal" world. My daughter is 33 now, I remember so many of those moments. Vacations that were planned only to have them spoiled because of not "normal" behavior. I'm just suprised my hair isn't all grey by now(thank God for hair color, I'll never know)!
The worst part, thinking back, is our son, who's 4 yrs. younger, how it affected him. I hope he knows that we did the best we could. We took him to DW when he was 12, without his sister. We didn't attempt to take her until 2 yrs ago. Last yr. we took her on the disney cruise. It was so much more stressful.

After yrs of being in your shoes, I think I finally accepted it, maybe?? She's at home with us. I do get some help. She is very special and loving. Those moments, or longer, are still there, but....

It's the other peoples problem if they don't like how your kids are acting. God bless them. Good luck, it does get easier.

 

[mechurchlady]

I will trade you my mom for your two sons any day. Sound like boys being boys and it did not matter if it was hunting or not. The average kid has an attention span of so many minutes per year of age. I cannot remember the estimate but it is hard enough for a 20 year old to sit through a 20 minute lecture let alone a girl with no issues let alone boys. I would have been picking at things and fidgeting the first 5 mnutes.

Obviously they did not know how to deal with kids and a hunting class should be run by people who are skilled huntsman.

Hugs
Let me know when you want to trade, lol.

 

[minkydog]

Here's a hug There's probably nothing wrong with your parenting. They just have some difficult issues. Its not you, its them. Doesn't make it any easier...or maybe it does?

My hat is off to you for trying that. A wild turkey hunt would have put my two boys right over the edge, supervision or not. Not that they couldn't learn to do it, but they'd have to do it separately and privately. And I'm pretty sure Christian would never be turned loose with a rifle.

I like to think of Thomas Edison in situations like this. He made 59 attempts at devising an electric lightbulb before it worked. When someone asked him if he got discouraged, he said no. Every time he failed, he learned how NOT to make a light bulb. Raising kids is sometimes like that. We don't always know what's gonna work, but we keep trying. You made the right decision to cut your losses and go home. Now you know how NOT to teach your kids to hunt, right?

 

[BeckyScott]

Thanks, everyone.

That night, on the way home when I called DH, he had put the phone on speakerphone (cause he's half-deaf) and so a couple of his co-workers heard the whole thing. And I guess his co-workers were pretty impressed that I'd even tried to pull it off.

It isn't so much about hunting, if you KWIM. Oldest DS is already hunter-safety-trained, and youngest wouldn't really have done it, he just thought he wanted to. That's why I was going out with him, because I'm pretty sure after about a half hour he'd have decided he was "done", which is handy because I have the smallest bladder in the universe and prefer not to pee in the woods. I think it was that they were trying to play nice, since it's a charity shoot for kids with medical problems, so of course they are going to want to include kids with disabilities, but what it PR'd like, and what it really was, were two different things.

However, I do really think that the sponsors didn't know what they were getting themselves into, that there would need to be special accomodations beyond sticking a ramp on the steps. I'm sure once we got to the individual guides, I could have explained the situation very easily and we would have figured out what to do. But the chaos of the large group, it just wasn't possible. Too many people- 30 kids, then 30 guides, all the parents, a few stray siblings, media... all shoved in a room... everyone was dressed alike so I couldn't figure out who was in charge.

As a post-note, apparantly the whole thing turned into sort of a bust anyway. It got very cold- even snowed a bit overnight Saturday- and the turkeys left town (headed to Orlando?). Very unusual weather for us.

 

[Schmeck]

Hey, good for you for trying! Can you turn the incident around to become a learning tool for the boys? Ask them how they felt about the chaos, etc., ask them how it could have been better, just make them think through the experience so they can point out what went wrong? Not to put blame on anyone, just to make them aware for another situation.

I'd have to say that if your boys don't act this way when Dad is around, then there has to be something you are/aren't doing, or that he is/isn't doing that makes the situation what it is. Have you observed your husband's interactions with the kids in a clinical sort of way? Meaning, what he says to them if they start to act up, or how he keeps them engaged, etc. We have training for this in our school system, it's not something that comes naturally to all people, so don't blame yourself! When I can find out the name for the specific training, I'll add it here.

But most of all, don't beat yourself up about it - the event wasn't all that it was supposed to be, it happens to all of us. My daughters (not on the spectrum, BTW) had to be spoken to and then even seperated last year at a friend's graduation party. My girls were 16 and 13 years old at the time

 

[newtowdw1]

I know your post is 'old', but I wonder if the boys act up with 'just' you because you're outnumbered. I even have a suggestion!

Could you get in touch with your high school or church, and advertise for an older boy (freshman to sophomore) mother's helper? He could go with you on outings. I teach HS (or did) and always seem to have an extra teen boy (DH coaches wrestling) hanging around. My son loves them. He acts more mature, and pays better attention to me. We take all three kids (or four) to the mall, to see the xmas lights, to the Herkimer diamond mine, etc. Then, if DS has to go to the bathroom, helper boy takes him, and I can watch the interesting stuff. BTW, I know these boys really well. I do trust them with my son.

Be aware, that I'm the disabled one in my family. However, both of my 'darlings' have acted the way your sons did, and it is mortifying. I need the helper to run errands and wrangle Connor. When DD was littler, I had an older girl to wrangle her. I recommend the younger set, by the way, simply so when they all get attached you'll have more time with the helper. Nothing worse than a favorite leaving for college or the army. We lost FOUR this year!

Also young men LOVE to play, and feel silly unless they have someone to play with. I've had the boys ask to borrow Connor to take to Chuck E Cheese or the park or zoo or a movie that they want to see, but is for a younger set.

And if you're on a budget, it needn't cost much. Esp if you can find one who wants to work in education or with the disabled when he grows up.

Good luck!