So, is this harsh or not?

[darrose]

I thought the OP said he wanted to come over, but she said no

 

[KimR]

I agree with Maleficent. I'm a retreater as well and when I need to be alone it in no way reflects upon my feelings toward DH or anyone else. We've been married for 20 years and sometimes I just need to be alone. It is hard for someone who is not that way to understand.

I remember what really ticked me off when my mom passed away is everyone else telling me how I 'should' be grieving and trying to make me feel bad because I wasn't doing it 'right'. Honestly, when you feel like your life is falling apart the last thing you need is people telling you how you are supposed to feeling and acting. Everyone grievs in their own way and others need to respect that.

 

[darrose]

But do you kick your husband out of the house while you deal with your grief?
It speaks volumes to me that she wont even give him to chance to be a comfort
to her. To shut him out totally during this time of stress doesnt seem fair to him. His bugging her to not shut him out doesnt seem fair to her.

 

[luvmydogs]

Well, I've been with dh for nearly 20 years, and even last fall when my mom had a heart attack, I didn't feel the need to have him "comfort" me. I guess I retreat, also--don't want to be helped or fussed over, etc...but it's just the way I deal with things, and I let him know when I want to talk. Goodness, I certainly wouldn't kick him out of the house--that would be cruel and melodramatic on my part. Now, he's the exact opposite and comes to me with everything.

We respect each other's needs, don't tell each other how we're "supposed" to feel, don't judge or read too much into it--we just handle things the way we're wired to, I guess.

 

[hlbtimes2]

Well, I've been with dh for nearly 20 years, and even last fall when my mom had a heart attack, I didn't feel the need to have him "comfort" me. I guess I retreat, also--don't want to be helped or fussed over, etc...but it's just the way I deal with things, and I let him know when I want to talk. Goodness, I certainly wouldn't kick him out of the house--that would be cruel and melodramatic on my part. Now, he's the exact opposite and comes to me with everything.

We respect each other's needs, don't tell each other how we're "supposed" to feel, don't judge or read too much into it--we just handle things the way we're wired to, I guess.

Yep, dh and I have been together for about 15 years. Sometimes one of us just needs to be left alone. We both know when the other is feeling that way, and how to respond. There is no guilt on either side, no hurt feelings, etc, etc. Maybe that is why we've made it 15 years?

 

[Maleficent13]

She's been dealing with this for 5 days. Hardly an enormous amount of time for him to have to be alone.

Re: those who are saying what happens if they're married? You can live in the same house with someone and still give them their space. What he wants to do is follow her around the hospice and have her let him "comfort" her. She doesn't want that. She is not a talker. If he wants someone who is a talker, and someone who will let him give her comfort, then yes, I agree he needs to find someone else. But I don't really think yesterday was the day to air all his feelings about this.