So...how should a young man feel after their baby is put up for adoption?

[redrosesix]

Disclaimer: This isn't about somebody I know well, I don't know all of the issues or history, but just something I can't get off my mind...

So, talking with a friend (I'm using that term loosely, very loosely) about mutual acquaintances, their kids, etc. we get onto this topic about a young guy who is not having a good time in his first year of college (fun in college? for me that would have been a contradiction in terms ) Oh, but it could be that he still hasn't gotten over what happened in high school -- ok, so then I find out that he and his ex-girlfriend had a baby and put the child up for adoption. They're no longer together, but the boy hasn't completely moved on, he needs to just get over it because he has a new girlfriend now. So, now I'm thinking

Am I wrong here? I'm a mom and I couldn't fathom what it would be like to give up my child. I don't think anybody would expect the birth mother to "just get over it" and most people would allow the girl a mourning period of, like, forever. And while I've heard about many young men who did just move on, they certainly weren't the type to end up in college.

So, do you know any young men/teens who went through this. Did they just move on? Are men really that different from women?

 

[OceanAnnie]

Not enough information to really go on. You just never really know about a person's trials and tribulations. A lot of people don't wear their emotions and scars, but hide them away. Maybe he isn't having a very good year, because it's as you said, he's not over it. It could be false bravado the young man is portraying to others and/or himself (or not).

Anyway, I'm not sure how a person "should" feel about putting a child up for adoption. There are many ways to look at it, in many ways positive and yes some negative too.

I just don't think that is something easily judged.

 

[BellyBaby]

Wow, that's HUGE. There has got to be some classes at the adoption agency for the parents to help deal with this sort of thing. Hoping the guy doesn't try to "tough it out" just because he's a guy, and thinks it's not cool for a guy to have so many emotions swirling around. But geez, that is such a loss, even it was the best choice for them, it still is painful.

Hope he finds support, and nice of you to care.

 

[Microcell]

My Ds is only 7 but he is pretty sensitive, so I think he would hold on to it forever. He has a bad day if he thinks his dad left the house without hugging him..

Now how would he show it? That probably would be different than a girl would.

 

[MusiqChic99]

Honestly I would hope both parents would forever grieve over giving up a child....even if it was done with the best interest of a child. Someone got a child over what these people did.

Maybe he didn't want to give up the baby? Maybe he felt since the mother didn't want to keep the baby that he didn't have much choice or support.

Kudos to him for going to college and maybe his new girlfriend will be some support for him. Again I hope he never really gets over it but maybe will find ways to better handle his pain.

 

[tink_lover]

I think he needs to talk to someone about it. I know our dd's birth parents had couseling for as long as they felt they needed it after the adoption. I think it also helped for their peace of mind that we continued to pass along updates for the first few years. I do know (because they shared it with me) that their biggest question was how someone else (in this case, us) could love a child that wasn't biologically their own. They were also very young and in a similar situation as the young man you described.

 

[FireDancer]

I don't think there is a should. The trauma of a father giving up a child could be just as hard as a mother giving up a child. It is dependent on the father and his emotional characteristics just like it is dependent on the mother and her emotional characteristics.

I'm sure in both cases there are some that don't care, some that are traumatized greatly, and some that fall somewhere in the middle. I would hope either would seek help if they need it.

 

[redrosesix]

Not enough information to really go on. You just never really know about a person's trials and tribulations. A lot of people don't wear their emotions and scars, but hide them away. Maybe he isn't having a very good year, because it's as you said, he's not over it. It could be false bravado the young man is portraying to others and/or himself (or not).

Anyway, I'm not sure how a person "should" feel about putting a child up for adoption. There are many ways to look at it, in many ways positive and yes some negative too.

I just don't think that is something easily judged.

I don't know that much about the situation -- I've met the boy, and the consensus was that he was a "great guy" but he just seemingly dropped off the face of the earth ie. dropped out of every high school team, and he was on all of them. Honestly, I would have been less shocked to find out that he'd become a partier and didn't care about sports anymore -- that does happen to some at that age. (And they both lived in another town where we don't live anymore, so maybe that's why I didn't hear about it before, but you'd think this would have been something that EVERYBODY would be talking about) Never met the girl, though. And they were together for about 2 1/2 years, but I guess the fall-out from all of this led to the break-up. Honestly, the break-up alone might have been enough to send either of my brothers over the edge at that age. I don't have any sons, myself -- I'm more used to girl drama The last big deal was over a ruined dress

Wow, that's HUGE. There has got to be some classes at the adoption agency for the parents to help deal with this sort of thing. Hoping the guy doesn't try to "tough it out" just because he's a guy, and thinks it's not cool for a guy to have so many emotions swirling around. But geez, that is such a loss, even it was the best choice for them, it still is painful.

Hope he finds support, and nice of you to care.

Yup, I agree. And no, they don't do support groups, counseling, etc. very well in that town -- veeeerrrry small and very old-fashioned -- I can say without doubt that he was expected to tough it out (but knowing what I do of him, he probably would have tried to even if the support services were in place) although the girl might have had some support.

 

[bumbershoot]

The person you were talking to felt that the young man should be over it, right? This isn't something the young man is telling himself, I hope.

If I've read it correctly...the person you were talking to might want to just shush, IMO.

My husband's oldest friend was the guy in such a situation in high school with his girlfriend (they broke up either right before or after she had the baby though). Now, they did a totally open adoption, and they get letters and pictures of their daughter, and his ex is actually considering going out to meet the girl soon (she's about to be 18) and wants our friend to go with her (he doesn't know that he wants to do that). It's very weird and complicated emotions-wise, and that's despite him knowing where the child is and what she looks like, etc etc. I cannot imagine what it must be like to have a closed adoption (though, oddly, if we were to adopt I personally would prefer that for my own heart's sake...not necessarily what we would DO b/c we would take the child into account more, but it's what I feel for my own self) and never know where the child went, etc. And for him to be making this transition to college while having such loss...I can't imagine.

And I really hope that others aren't telling him what he should and should not feel!

 

[Halloweenqueen]

Most private adoptions ask for the birth father's consent. Was he asked? Did he give it?

 

[Mrs.Toad]

Our adoption agency also offers birthparent counseling and support groups for as long as the birthparents need it. I don't know if any fathers actually use it though. If so, it's pretty rare. I don't know if that's because they are grieving less or because they think they have to put on a macho front and act like they don't care. Maybe a little of both.

I think your acquaintance has it wrong though. Everyone is different and some will get past such a loss easier than others, male or female. I hope the young man can find a counselor or someone to talk to about it. It might help.

 

[goofyshell]

My opinion (which is worth approx. 27 cents) is that boys can grieve just as girls would over losing a child. I do think men have a harder time asking for help to deal with their emotions (yes, that's a generalization) so I hope the boy in this situation feels he can talk to someone if he needs to.
It's interesting to find this thread today. My bff is on her way to CA right this minute to pick up her third adopted baby (her first boy, he has downs). I am a huge fan of adoption and am so grateful there are those who allow others the joy of a family. As a mother though I cannot even imagine the grief and constant wondering that would come with giving up my child. I imagine my dh would feel much the same.

 

[redrosesix]

The person you were talking to felt that the young man should be over it, right? This isn't something the young man is telling himself, I hope.

If I've read it correctly...the person you were talking to might want to just shush, IMO.

My husband's oldest friend was the guy in such a situation in high school with his girlfriend (they broke up either right before or after she had the baby though). Now, they did a totally open adoption, and they get letters and pictures of their daughter, and his ex is actually considering going out to meet the girl soon (she's about to be 18) and wants our friend to go with her (he doesn't know that he wants to do that). It's very weird and complicated emotions-wise, and that's despite him knowing where the child is and what she looks like, etc etc. I cannot imagine what it must be like to have a closed adoption (though, oddly, if we were to adopt I personally would prefer that for my own heart's sake...not necessarily what we would DO b/c we would take the child into account more, but it's what I feel for my own self) and never know where the child went, etc. And for him to be making this transition to college while having such loss...I can't imagine.

And I really hope that others aren't telling him what he should and should not feel!

Yeah, that was TMI, JMHO. But it reminded me what it's like to live in a small town -- when there's nothing to do everybody talks about everybody else's business There was plenty of other stuff that came up in that conversation too, but this was the topic that intrigued me for some reason.

The "friend" was definitely siding with the new girlfriend, who is quite miffed that the boy still has any friendship with the ex -- it is definitely over though. I have met the new girlfriend (they're at the same college), and I wouldn't have thought her to be the jealous type. Just got off facebook chat with a girl who knows both of them and he apparently didn't go out for any sports, doesn't really hang out with anybody (BTW, if there was anything needing to be done here, she'd be my go-to person -- shes' a couple of years ahead of them, in fact graduating this year) As for family support, I'd bet there's nada, nunca, none -- an only child and I can't see the parents having a modern perspective on the whole thing.

Sounds like he might be in trouble to me. Like I said, I don't have any sons, but if this were one of my brothers we were talking about I'd be worried. Then there's the fact that I have seen him since all of this must have happened -- yeah, he seemed really different, but I didn't think anything of it at those times since people can change a lot at that age.

I have to agree with you on the open-adoption issue. I could never share my children, even though I realize it must be better for the kids or they wouldn't be doing it (or is it just because the birth-parents wouldn't give up the baby otherwise?) Adoption isn't as open here as it is in the US, but I can't honestly say how this one was done -- I just don't know.

 

[Denine]

I can only reply as an adoptive mom.

I send letters and pictures to both of my daughter's birthparents. He was out of the picture for a while, but called the social worker a couple years ago asking for pictures. Now, they were both 21 when they made an adoption plan, but he obviously still cares and my daughter is now seven.

 

[redrosesix]

Most private adoptions ask for the birth father's consent. Was he asked? Did he give it?

Apparently the young couple agreed that it was the best thing to do -- it probably was, but I don't think that would make it any easier.

My opinion (which is worth approx. 27 cents) is that boys can grieve just as girls would over losing a child. I do think men have a harder time asking for help to deal with their emotions (yes, that's a generalization) so I hope the boy in this situation feels he can talk to someone if he needs to.
It's interesting to find this thread today. My bff is on her way to CA right this minute to pick up her third adopted baby (her first boy, he has downs). I am a huge fan of adoption and am so grateful there are those who allow others the joy of a family. As a mother though I cannot even imagine the grief and constant wondering that would come with giving up my child. I imagine my dh would feel much the same.

My feelings exactly. Then again, is that because we know what we'd be missing out on?

But Congratulations to your bff

Our adoption agency also offers birthparent counseling and support groups for as long as the birthparents need it. I don't know if any fathers actually use it though. If so, it's pretty rare. I don't know if that's because they are grieving less or because they think they have to put on a macho front and act like they don't care. Maybe a little of both.

I think your acquaintance has it wrong though. Everyone is different and some will get past such a loss easier than others, male or female. I hope the young man can find a counselor or someone to talk to about it. It might help.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

I don't think there is a should. The trauma of a father giving up a child could be just as hard as a mother giving up a child. It is dependent on the father and his emotional characteristics just like it is dependent on the mother and her emotional characteristics.

I'm sure in both cases there are some that don't care, some that are traumatized greatly, and some that fall somewhere in the middle. I would hope either would seek help if they need it.

Exactly.

 

[redrosesix]

Our adoption agency also offers birthparent counseling and support groups for as long as the birthparents need it. I don't know if any fathers actually use it though. If so, it's pretty rare. I don't know if that's because they are grieving less or because they think they have to put on a macho front and act like they don't care. Maybe a little of both.

I think your acquaintance has it wrong though. Everyone is different and some will get past such a loss easier than others, male or female. I hope the young man can find a counselor or someone to talk to about it. It might help.

It's pretty interesting when you read both of these posts together. Maybe it's a maturity thing, maybe as men get older they care less about bravado? Or maybe they need more time to deal with the issues because they haven't taken advantage of the counseling that's available to them.

I can only reply as an adoptive mom.

I send letters and pictures to both of my daughter's birthparents. He was out of the picture for a while, but called the social worker a couple years ago asking for pictures. Now, they were both 21 when they made an adoption plan, but he obviously still cares and my daughter is now seven.

 

[quentina]

I just want to say.....from myself and the other adoptive parents on the Dis....thank you for making this difficult decision.

Although I would never expect anyone to completley recover from this, rest assured that most adopted children are being taken care of.

 

[redrosesix]

I want to thank all of you who have posted on this thread. After reading your posts and talking to a couple of other people who know more about the situation, I'm realizing that somebody is going to have to step in here. I don't know him well enough to do it myself, but I'm pretty sure that there are others who could.

I think that if a couple loses a baby, people are more than willing to lend their support but probably are at a loss as to what they should do when the baby is put up for adoption. And although there are many support groups here in the city for just about anything, there is nothing like that in the town where we used to live. He is away at school now, and there are doctors/counselors there so that is likely the best place to start anyway.

I was a little surprised there weren't more responses from people who actually knew somebody who experienced this. I guess it just goes to show that it is still something that is not talked about. That's sad

 

[laurie31]

I'm an adoptee and reunited with my birth parents 7 years ago. My parents had always told me that my birth parents loved me very much but couldn't take care of me themselves.

However, I never knew just how much they had wanted me and how they were affected. There was no such thing as open adoption in the 60's. My birth mom cried every year on my birthday wondering where I was and if I was okay. My birth father told me he hadn't been happy that he couldn't see me grow up, and he had kind of buried his feelings, and tried not to think of me often. He didn't mean he didn't care, just that caring hurt too much. I felt really sorry for both of them. They were VERY young then (he was 16, she was 14) and there was no other choice for them in those days.

It was a struggle for my birth mom to finish high school, but she did. (the school board actually suggested to her parents that they move to another district, to a school where "no one would know," although no such suggestion was made to her boyfriend, and he stayed in school without any problems).

My birth father has his doctorate now, so just because a guy gets carried away at 16 doesn't mean he can't do well in life. He's married now and they have a daughter. I haven't met her, but I'd like to one day.

My birth mother and her husband have just celebrated 40 years of marriage, and have 3 daughters, so she has also done well in life. I am friends with my sisters (half-sisters actually) as we're near the same age, plus they live near here. She coped by marrying young and having children right away. My birth father did the opposite; his DD is 30 years younger than I am.

I hope the boy in the OP can find some counseling, or some support somewhere. His grief is not something that should be hidden or denied. Maybe he can find some support online. I know there are online groups for birth mothers. Also, sometimes it's easier to talk about things online than it is face to face with someone. He might really get a lot out of "meeting" other guys in the same situation and knowing he isn't alone.