So...how should a young man feel after their baby is put up for adoption?

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I don't know any men personally of any age that has given up anything, but I think it is wrong to expect anyone of any gender to just "get over" something like that regardless of how old they were when it happened.

I find it very juvenile to make such suggestions regardless of the circumstance.

Even if the decision to put the baby up for adoption was the best choice, it doesn't make it any easier.

That young man grew up before he needed to. To bad his so called friends haven't achieved such maturity.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Yup, I agree. And no, they don't do support groups, counseling, etc. very well in that town -- veeeerrrry small and very old-fashioned -- I can say without doubt that he was expected to tough it out (but knowing what I do of him, he probably would have tried to even if the support services were in place) although the girl might have had some support.

If he is in college, many colleges often have counseling services. So even though the town doesn't have anything adoption specific, there might be a service that his school can offer.


But if people are telling him to get over it, the chances of him obtaining any kind of help are slim to none.

Based on what you have posted it sounds like he is grieving as his behaviors almost seem grief like. It may be the child, the girlfriend or a combination of factors.

His situation is very unfortunate, but I hope that he finds his path to happiness soon as he doesn't deserve to lose his future over the mistakes and resolutions of his past. Having a baby is life changing but it isn't criminal and for whatever reason he and his ex chose to give the baby up--he is not obligated to have his future ruined as a result.

 

[redrosesix]

If he is in college, many colleges often have counseling services. So even though the town doesn't have anything adoption specific, there might be a service that his school can offer.


But if people are telling him to get over it, the chances of him obtaining any kind of help are slim to none.

Based on what you have posted it sounds like he is grieving as his behaviors almost seem grief like. It may be the child, the girlfriend or a combination of factors.

His situation is very unfortunate, but I hope that he finds his path to happiness soon as he doesn't deserve to lose his future over the mistakes and resolutions of his past. Having a baby is life changing but it isn't criminal and for whatever reason he and his ex chose to give the baby up--he is not obligated to have his future ruined as a result.

Yup, that was what I was thinking. Now that I know the back-story, his behaviour and his demeanor remind me a lot of high school friends who lost a close loved around that age.

Just wish I was in a position to do something more, but I think that's the way with a lot of things that happen around us ie. to come out and ask how somebody is coping seems intrusive. But it seems odd to me that the people closer to him haven't done so -- people knew what had happened but everyone just tried to forget about it. It's funny how putting a baby up for adoption has become so rare these days that the whole topic is suddenly taboo again. But heck, they're all kids really and I'm sure they think it's somehow contagious.

Probably the parents on both sides have had a lot of mixed emotions as well, but there are other adults in the community who could have stepped up.

Laurie31, I really like the idea of an online support group. I think I'll go and do the legwork for my go-to person. At least it will make me feel like I did something.

 

[bumbershoot]

I don't think there is a should. The trauma of a father giving up a child could be just as hard as a mother giving up a child. It is dependent on the father and his emotional characteristics just like it is dependent on the mother and her emotional characteristics.

I'm sure in both cases there are some that don't care, some that are traumatized greatly, and some that fall somewhere in the middle. I would hope either would seek help if they need it.

Wowza you said that really well. Exactly what I feel, though I didn't realize I was thinking that until I read it.

The "friend" was definitely siding with the new girlfriend, who is quite miffed that the boy still has any friendship with the ex -- it is definitely over though. I have met the new girlfriend (they're at the same college), and I wouldn't have thought her to be the jealous type.

New girlfriend is just going to have to deal with it. This is forever. The baby's existence didn't go away just because some other people are raising it. This is a forever bond.

Hubby's friend will *always* be in touch with his ex. They will always contact each other. She was much younger; she was a freshman and he was a senior, and she hid the pregnancy for almost the whole time (despite being a competitive gymnast with the small frame to go along with that!), but once they figured it out (my husband actually figured it out and told the friend he might want to talk to her) it was something they shared, and will always. Any woman that this friend ever dates will always know that his ex will call/email/message and it's OK. It's hard, I think, on his current girlfriend, b/c she's young and wants to marry him and have babies, but he is pretty much done with the baby thing after the one when he was a teen. So he HAS had a child...but no more. So it's still affecting his relationships and it probably always will (until he gets about 5 years older and starts dating women his own age for whom kids aren't as important/likely as it is for a 26 year old).


Anyway, I've now blathered too long...I feel for him!

 

[Shoshana]

Like Laurie, I'm also an adoptee, and I've found my first family over 20 years ago. I also have an adopted daughter and we're in contact with her first mother, siblings, and extended family.

Agencies are typically a great support to young women/couples when they're in the midst of relinquishing, but far too many of them drop the ball after the baby is placed. It's a myth that first parents (I don't like the term "birthmom" or "birthdad" so I use first in reference to chronology) -- anyway, it's a myth that they "get on with their lives." Significant numbers of them continue to suffer and struggle with the loss of their child throughout their lives -- and I'm speaking primarily of the women, but I have known of men who have had the same response. We just don't hear from as many dads -- perhaps because a number of them were never informed in the first place. There are online support groups, forums where he could look for support. I would not recommend the largest (adoption dot com) as it is very adoptive-parent centered and adoptees and first moms are generally the minority. It's also very pro-adoption which is probably not the best choice for a grieving first parent. I think a better suggestion would be CUB -- Concerned United Birthparents.

If you think more resources would be helpful, let me know. I could ask a couple of the young first moms that I know..

Good luck to your friend...

 

[ginna74]

I can only really respond as a birth mom and adoptee (my father) . I went through an open adoption with the consent of birth father . I will NEVER get over it and hear from the family that I chose a few times a year. This isn't something you "get over", but maybe you grow a little bit. I think it is the same thing for the bio dads, but I really can only say I am guessing.

 

[redrosesix]

Like Laurie, I'm also an adoptee, and I've found my first family over 20 years ago. I also have an adopted daughter and we're in contact with her first mother, siblings, and extended family.

Agencies are typically a great support to young women/couples when they're in the midst of relinquishing, but far too many of them drop the ball after the baby is placed. It's a myth that first parents (I don't like the term "birthmom" or "birthdad" so I use first in reference to chronology) -- anyway, it's a myth that they "get on with their lives." Significant numbers of them continue to suffer and struggle with the loss of their child throughout their lives -- and I'm speaking primarily of the women, but I have known of men who have had the same response. We just don't hear from as many dads -- perhaps because a number of them were never informed in the first place. There are online support groups, forums where he could look for support. I would not recommend the largest (adoption dot com) as it is very adoptive-parent centered and adoptees and first moms are generally the minority. It's also very pro-adoption which is probably not the best choice for a grieving first parent. I think a better suggestion would be CUB -- Concerned United Birthparents.

If you think more resources would be helpful, let me know. I could ask a couple of the young first moms that I know..

Good luck to your friend...

Yes, I think that would be very helpful -- I'm passing this info along to a young lady who hasn't experienced this herself. Anything online would be most helpful, I think -- I did a quick search of the resources available here for first dads (I like that term too) and there is absolutely nothing. In fact, I was really surprised at the lack of resources I brought up with Google. As you say, the biggest one is very pro-adoption and with all the pictures of babies on their site I'm not sure that is the direction I'd pointing anybody to. They did have one article written by a first dad, and it literally brought me to tears. CUB looks good so far, but the amount of information available to non-members is limited.

And, of course, I'm a big fan of forums.

I can only really respond as a birth mom and adoptee (my father) . I went through an open adoption with the consent of birth father . I will NEVER get over it and hear from the family that I chose a few times a year. This isn't something you "get over", but maybe you grow a little bit. I think it is the same thing for the bio dads, but I really can only say I am guessing.

I'm almost hyperventilating thinking about what it would be like for my DD to give up her child (good thing she's only 9 and we don't have to worry about that for a long time) -- I honestly don't think I could let her go through with it. And I would just be the grandmother. I obviously don't have as much courage as you.

I'm just guessing, but it seems like something you have to get through, not over. Like the death of a loved one -- what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, so to speak. And although that may be easier for some, it still sounds like a very painful journey.

 

[laurie31]

I'm almost hyperventilating thinking about what it would be like for my DD to give up her child (good thing she's only 9 and we don't have to worry about that for a long time) -- I honestly don't think I could let her go through with it. And I would just be the grandmother. I obviously don't have as much courage as you.

I'm just guessing, but it seems like something you have to get through, not over. Like the death of a loved one -- what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, so to speak. And although that may be easier for some, it still sounds like a very painful journey.

My grandmother cried when she met me. She said she had wanted so badly to keep me and she and my grandfather raise me as their child, but they had six children already and 3 of them were under the age of four, and they just couldn't. But it broke her heart as well as my mother's. My grandfather said every year when they got together for Christmas they would talk about me and say "Maybe this will be the year..." (that I would find them).

I like the term "first mother" - I've never heard that. These are my first mother's parents that I'm talking about. I never thought about what it was like for them until I met them.

 

[kacaju]

my dd16 ex boyfriend (he just turned 18) was very affected by his SISTER placing her baby up for adoption. The sister had a baby a few years ago and kept it. He loved being an uncle (the sister still lived with him and their Mom) when the sister got pregant again she put that baby up for adoption and he still is upset by it, years later. So it affects more then just the Birth Mom and Dad.

 

[redrosesix]

OP again. Thanks for all your posts

I think I've learned more about adoption in our province in the past 3 days than I've ever known. Adoptions of babies are handled exactly the same way as any other child put up for adoption, including cases where children are taken from their family for cause. Unless the first parents are allowing a known family or relative to adopt their child, most adoptions here are still handled through the Children's Aid Society, although they can be handled through a lawyer but that is rare. The adoptive parents have no access to information about the first parents, and the first parents cannot request information until the adoptee is 19 but can send along urgent information ie. pertinent medical information before that. The adoptee can request information before they are 19 with the authorization of the adoptive parents. Both the birth parents, or one of the birth parents, and adoptee have to be signed up for the information registry for the birth parents to make any contact with the adoptee, but the adoptee can send a request for contact if the birth parents haven't signed up -- if the request is declined, the adoptee isn't given any information about the birth parents. So I guess that means that most adoptions are essentially closed here. And I take it from the previous posts that that is not necessarily a great thing.

I still don't have any information on how the adoption in this case was handled, but I'm willing to bet it was closed.

As for counseling, apparently there is plenty for the adoptive parents before and after the adoption, as well as counseling for the birth mother prior to the adoption -- nothing for the birth father before or after the adoption unless they go to counseling with the birth mother prior to the birth.

My "spy" caught up with the boy over the weekend (I'm proud of her : ), so I did find out that he was expected to "get over it", really isn't sure why he hasn't yet (in fact, he wasn't really aware that that was probably the main cause of his "chronic depression" which coincidentally started around the time the child was put up for adoption). He has been thinking about seeing a doctor about his "depression" because it's really affecting his transition to college ie. making new friends, etc. She said it really sounded like he needed somebody to talk to because he just poured all of this out, and then apologized for "dumping" all of this on her.

Neither she nor I know what to say next

This is sad.

 

[horseshowmom]

OP again.

My "spy" caught up with the boy over the weekend (I'm proud of her : ), so I did find out that he was expected to "get over it", really isn't sure why he hasn't yet (in fact, he wasn't really aware that that was probably the main cause of his "chronic depression" which coincidentally started around the time the child was put up for adoption). He has been thinking about seeing a doctor about his "depression" because it's really affecting his transition to college ie. making new friends, etc. She said it really sounded like he needed somebody to talk to because he just poured all of this out, and then apologized for "dumping" all of this on her.

Neither she nor I know what to say next

This is sad.

She just needs to tell him that his feelings are very normal and encourage him to follow up with counseling to help work thorugh his feelings (counseling is probably available at his college). Thanks for helping him out!

 

[LuvOrlando]

This is so sad, the poor guy must be devastated to have his rights as a parent trampled like that. As a mother of a 12 year old boy I think this will keep me up tonight

 

[horseshowmom]

This is so sad, the poor guy must be devastated to have his rights as a parent trampled like that. As a mother of a 12 year old boy I think this will keep me up tonight

I may have overlooked it, but I didn't get the impression that this was done without his consent. It sounded more like he agreed but is struggling with the aftermath of his decision.

I'm sure they made the right choice for the baby. Obviously, neither of them was in a position to care for a baby, and the baby went to loving parents who were eagerly awaiting its arrival hopefully. Still, I'm sure the enormity of the decision is weighing on him heavily (as evidenced by his depression).

I definitely understand what you're saying. As others have said, I'm sure the grandparents have suffered as well.

 

[redrosesix]

I may have overlooked it, but I didn't get the impression that this was done without his consent. It sounded more like he agreed but is struggling with the aftermath of his decision.

I'm sure they made the right choice for the baby. Obviously, neither of them was in a position to care for a baby, and the baby went to loving parents who were eagerly awaiting its arrival hopefully. Still, I'm sure the enormity of the decision is weighing on him heavily (as evidenced by his depression).

I definitely understand what you're saying. As others have said, I'm sure the grandparents have suffered as well.

No, apparently the young parents agreed it was the best thing. But I do have to wonder if the lack of counseling for the birth fathers here has something to do with the number of boys/men who change their minds about the adoption after the fact -- I've heard a lot of adoptive parents are worried about that right up until the adoption is finalized, but I never realized why until now.

And it really seems like there is a huge difference in the way this is treated in rural areas compared to urban areas, where I live and work now. Here, there is a lot of support for young parents, and they give them assistance with housing, income etc, really helping them to finish high school. In fact, a couple of the high schools have daycares in the same building. So even if the grandparents aren't willing or able to support the new baby, there is support available.

 

[redrosesix]

She just needs to tell him that his feelings are very normal and encourage him to follow up with counseling to help work thorugh his feelings (counseling is probably available at his college). Thanks for helping him out!

I think you're right. And thanks for the help.

Yes, there must be counselors at the college -- it has a few thousand students. I know when I worked at the university here, we had a drop-out rate of 50 percent -- the counselors are an integral part of the university because a lot of kids struggle with the transition, being on their own, and keeping up with their studies at the same time. And it seems like he really has nobody else that he can talk to about this except for his ex, and that has it's own issues now that he has a new girlfriend. (although that also makes me wonder if the ex doesn't need to find a counselor too)

This is so sad, the poor guy must be devastated to have his rights as a parent trampled like that. As a mother of a 12 year old boy I think this will keep me up tonight

I think he did agree to it, but he really wasn't prepared to make the decision. But there is no turning back now.

This kept me up a few nights this week. But at least it made me realize that I had to come up with a plan for my DD even though she's only 9 -- I think I need to be the one prepared to deal with these issues if, god forbid, it ever happens in our family.

 

[Poppinsme]

1960.
My brother was 16 and his girlfriend was 16. They got pregnant. Her parents were livid and sent her away. My parents wanted to raise the baby or at least talk to the girl first. My brother asked about marriage. The girls parents were not having any of it and did not want a scandal. So my brother to please the angry parents let them put the baby girl up for adoption. He and his girlfriend never got to see the baby as they took her immediately. But they secretly named her. My brother never saw his girlfriend again as they moved to another state and forbade her to talk to my brother.
Every year my brother on his daughters birthday bought a red rose and said a prayer for her.
He hoped some day she would contact him.
My brother went on to get a Masters and be an excellent teacher and husband.
In 1980 he was killed by a drunk driver.
In 1981 his daughter found my parents as she was trying to locate my brother. She had a wonderful life and loved her adoptive parents but was curious about her birth father and mother.
I have her picture up in the living room with my parents. My parents and her became very close before they died. I still talk to her, great gal.

 

[MickeyCrazedMom]

As an adoptive mom to 3, I have spent time with 3 sets of birthparents. Every single one of them handled their decisions differently. Some wanted pictures, some didn't. Some wanted to spend time with the baby in the hospital, some didn't. Some wanted to meet us some only talked to us on the phone. One birthfather perferred to just go to the agency, sign his papers and walk away. One birthfather called me and cried with me over how happy he was for the baby and how sad he was for himself. Everyone feels differently and moves on differently. One reason we chose our agency is that they offered counseling to both birthparents before and after the birth.

We have semi open adoptions which means we have met with the birthmothers and we were present at the birth. We also send pictures yearly to the ones who want them. We do not visit and do not plan to unless our children make that decision when they are older. I have a strong desire to send pictures to them and don't feel as if I am "sharing" my children. Sending pictures is my way of letting them know that we have kept the promises we made about the lives our kids have. I always thought that I would feel jealous of the birthparents, but they made me a mom. A child can never have too much love and I think my kids are lucky that there are people out there that think about them daily and pray for them. And we think about them too and talk about them alot, especially on holidays and the kids birthdays.

One of my childrens birthgrandma had a horrible time with her daughters decisions. It was her first grandchild and she was heartbroken. She offered to help her daughter raise the baby but said that she would support her no matter what she decided. I know the day she hugged us goodbye at the hospital her heart was breaking, but she respected her daughters choice.

All of our birthparents were in their 20's and 30's and all were educated. Just wanted to clear up any misconceptions about all birthparents being teenagers.

Sorry to babble, but I am a little passionate on this topic!!!!

 

[redrosesix]

1960.
My brother was 16 and his girlfriend was 16. They got pregnant. Her parents were livid and sent her away. My parents wanted to raise the baby or at least talk to the girl first. My brother asked about marriage. The girls parents were not having any of it and did not want a scandal. So my brother to please the angry parents let them put the baby girl up for adoption. He and his girlfriend never got to see the baby as they took her immediately. But they secretly named her. My brother never saw his girlfriend again as they moved to another state and forbade her to talk to my brother.
Every year my brother on his daughters birthday bought a red rose and said a prayer for her.
He hoped some day she would contact him.
My brother went on to get a Masters and be an excellent teacher and husband.
In 1980 he was killed by a drunk driver.
In 1981 his daughter found my parents as she was trying to locate my brother. She had a wonderful life and loved her adoptive parents but was curious about her birth father and mother.
I have her picture up in the living room with my parents. My parents and her became very close before they died. I still talk to her, great gal.

Thank you for posting that. Such a tragic story -- too hard to read it without tearing up -- but it is nice to hear that she had a wonderful life and that you were able to build a relationship with her.

The reaction of the girl's parents sounds like something my mother would say, and unfortunately what I would expect from the boy's parents in this case.

As an adoptive mom to 3, I have spent time with 3 sets of birthparents. Every single one of them handled their decisions differently. Some wanted pictures, some didn't. Some wanted to spend time with the baby in the hospital, some didn't. Some wanted to meet us some only talked to us on the phone. One birthfather perferred to just go to the agency, sign his papers and walk away. One birthfather called me and cried with me over how happy he was for the baby and how sad he was for himself. Everyone feels differently and moves on differently. One reason we chose our agency is that they offered counseling to both birthparents before and after the birth.

We have semi open adoptions which means we have met with the birthmothers and we were present at the birth. We also send pictures yearly to the ones who want them. We do not visit and do not plan to unless our children make that decision when they are older. I have a strong desire to send pictures to them and don't feel as if I am "sharing" my children. Sending pictures is my way of letting them know that we have kept the promises we made about the lives our kids have. I always thought that I would feel jealous of the birthparents, but they made me a mom. A child can never have too much love and I think my kids are lucky that there are people out there that think about them daily and pray for them. And we think about them too and talk about them alot, especially on holidays and the kids birthdays.

One of my childrens birthgrandma had a horrible time with her daughters decisions. It was her first grandchild and she was heartbroken. She offered to help her daughter raise the baby but said that she would support her no matter what she decided. I know the day she hugged us goodbye at the hospital her heart was breaking, but she respected her daughters choice.

All of our birthparents were in their 20's and 30's and all were educated. Just wanted to clear up any misconceptions about all birthparents being teenagers.

Sorry to babble, but I am a little passionate on this topic!!!!

That's a great way to look at it -- I wish that was possible here.

Don't apologize -- your post was very enlightening. I think your kids are lucky to have somebody who is so considerate of the issues that surrounded their adoption.