So FRUSTRATED! Some "FRIEND"... A Vent...

[palmtreegirl]

That stinks, I'm sorry your plans got ruined, the guy doesn't sound like much of a friend.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I'm sorry OP. The friend sounds like a jerk. I get that it is work. I get that there is seniority. I get the "Devil's Advocate" options that some folks are presenting.

What I don't get is that if he is such a "friend"---why he had to take the position of jerkface when telling him "no". Based on the gist of what you said he said...his answer to why he won't trade is "just because I don't have to". Seniority had nothing to do with it. If there were a policy---that would be the reason. If there were workplace shenanigans---that would be the reason.


The guy said "no" just because he could. He's no friend. He just plays one on tv. And this isn't because he said no---it is because of HOW he said no. It makes me wonder if everything you guys have done for him was because he abuses his power.

Not a friend by any stretch. Time to keep the relationship ALL business.

 

[disneyfans95]

Why blame the co-worker? You made plans before you even knew both you and your husband could have the same week(s) off.

It happens. The co-worker got the time off, he had senority and is using it. It is up to HIM how to spend those two weeks, not you. Sorry to be blunt, but you can't expect him to swap with you.

 

[AlleyKat]

I'm sorry OP. The friend sounds like a jerk. I get that it is work. I get that there is seniority. I get the "Devil's Advocate" options that some folks are presenting.

What I don't get is that if he is such a "friend"---why he had to take the position of jerkface when telling him "no". Based on the gist of what you said he said...his answer to why he won't trade is "just because I don't have to". Seniority had nothing to do with it. If there were a policy---that would be the reason. If there were workplace shenanigans---that would be the reason.


The guy said "no" just because he could. He's no friend. He just plays one on tv. And this isn't because he said no---it is because of HOW he said no. It makes me wonder if everything you guys have done for him was because he abuses his power.

Not a friend by any stretch. Time to keep the relationship ALL business.

Exactly!

 

[OceanAnnie]

Why blame the co-worker? You made plans before you even knew both you and your husband could have the same week(s) off.

It happens. The co-worker got the time off, he had senority and is using it. It is up to HIM how to spend those two weeks, not you. Sorry to be blunt, but you can't expect him to swap with you.

I don't know. If I had a friend that also happened to be a co-worker I could forgive not switching with me. But I would be pretty miffed if that friend told me he didn't have any plans and wouldn't switch. That's kind of rubbing it in.

Thanks a lot "friend".

 

[EMom]

Why blame the co-worker? You made plans before you even knew both you and your husband could have the same week(s) off.

It happens. The co-worker got the time off, he had senority and is using it. It is up to HIM how to spend those two weeks, not you. Sorry to be blunt, but you can't expect him to swap with you.

She doesn't EXPECT him to switch one week of vacation. She would APPRECIATE it if he would. Especially in light of the fact (and I accept it as fact, not speculation) that he has no plans.

There is a big difference in expecting a favor and appreciating one. The coworker has no duty to switch the week and they have no right to demand it. But considering they have done some favors for this coworker in the past that have saved him some pretty substantial money, it would not be unreasonable for him to return the FAVOR by switching one week of vacation....and he could still have two consecutive weeks off. That's what decent, thoughtful people do. They return favors and kindnesses.

But you've just been given insight into the coworker's character. Favors and acts of kindness are a one way street with him. Remember that the next time his car breaks down. The one way street should never again head in the direction of your DH's tool set. Just tell him you don't have any other plans that day, but repairing his car isn't something you feel like doing......And point him in the direction of an expensive repair shop that makes him pay for his own beverages. Tough beans, Mr. Seniority. Don't ever "expect" a favor again if you're going to be so stingy handing them out.

 

[disykat]

IMO, the part that makes him a jerk is him actually SAYING he has nothing planned but is doing it because he can - period.

At the very least, anyone with the slightest bit of friendliness in them would sympathize enough to say "gee, that's too bad, I wish I could but I already have plans."

 

[starrzone]

OP, I could actually feel myself getting angry while reading this. He could very well have plans during those 2 weeks; maybe he plans on dressing up like a Martian and going to a Sci Fi convention. Maybe he plans on shutting himself inside his house for 2 weeks and organizing his sock drawer by which sock is dirtiest. IMO, it doesn't matter. What he said says a lot about his character, and I would feel the exact same way you did. As someone who has often acted as the "one who would do anything for anybody", I can say that this guy definitely thinks that favors are a 1-way street.

I also hope that you get that vacation...6 months is a VERY long time when you’re waiting for something you're really looking forward to. I'm there with you, though; hopefully, my BFF and I will be going on a cruise in ~6 months!

 

[chloelovesdisney]

Since your dh can't get off at the same time, can you plan a nice getaway with a girlfriend or family member?

 

[dispor]

Could it be that by taking the first two weeks of August off, the friend would be paired with a partner that he doesn't want to work with? Just a thought...

 

[Mickey Fliers]

Your DH's co-worker/friend sucks. Enough said.

 

[redlight]

Since your dh can't get off at the same time, can you plan a nice getaway with a girlfriend or family member?

That's a good idea!

 

[bdoyledimou]

i suspect everyone here has (or is) one of those "selfish friends".

For example a friend of SO's lives 2.5 hours away. Their son went to camp a few weeks ago, but the departure point was just 5 minutes from our house and at 8 am.
Because they have 5 kids, 2 parents and a dog that travels with them, (and there are 4 in my family plus a cat) having them stay over here for the night to drop him off wasn't an option. not enough room!!!

So we offered to have their son stay the night and we would see him off and they agreed. They were going to drive, but the 5 hours in a van with thier entire family was just too much for a friday night, so then decided on sending him on the train and we would pick him up from the station. But the train cost was around $85 (unaccompnied minor fees were huge!) and she was nervous sending her 12 year old all by himself.

So i hopped in my van and I drove the 5 hour round trip myself ($65 of gas).
He recently had a birthday (end of june) so we took him out for dinner, and had a nice night out to celebrate. We dropped him off at camp and all was good.

A week later he is home safe and SO gets an email saying "DS mentioned you took him out for dinner for his birthday, but didn't get him a gift. When can we expect it?"

SO was in shock , and actually sent them $40 to buy him something. It has now been a week, and we never got a thank you (not for picking him up, dropping him off, or the $$$).

now remember they have 5 kids.. and today we got a message "dont forget about DD's birthday".

Now we have 2 kids, and they have enver recieved a present from this family, christmas or birthday... and as far as I am concerned, they took 5 hours of my time, $60 in gas, used as baby sitters, the dinner and the $40 (a total of about $120 not including our time), saved themselves the train fee, and now want MORE from us all without even a simple thank you.

I am livid about it but SO is a sucker for their children, and will probably send something more to them.....

I am sure we ALL have a similar story...

so to the OP.. it sucks, but this world is all about ME for half of us, and the other half just have to suck it up

 

[starrzone]

So i hopped in my van and I drove the 5 hour round trip myself ($65 of gas).
He recently had a birthday (end of june) so we took him out for dinner, and had a nice night out to celebrate. We dropped him off at camp and all was good.

A week later he is home safe and SO gets an email saying "DS mentioned you took him out for dinner for his birthday, but didn't get him a gift. When can we expect it?"

Oh. My. THIS has got to be the pinnacle of rudeness! You win the first annual "DIS Award"!

 

[NHdisneylover]

So many people keep harping on NO would have been okay but when he added that he had no plans that was mean and not okay. OP and her husband have been asking him (and his wife) about this repeatedly for 6 months. They have asked IF he had plans. THEY put him in a position of having to say he had none. Honestly, I think the OP and her husband are the ones who are not good friends. Sorry, but I really do. If the friend had posted it probably would read like this (and the friend would probably be getting lots of sympathy from the same posters here who are against him now):

VENT--"friend" will not give up! I have become what I felt was a good friend with the officer I ride patrols with. We talk a lot in the car and also spend a lot of time together outside of work. We help each other out with car repairs and home maintenance type stuff, etc. Not too long ago he invited me over when he heard I was having car trouble. We spent most of the day fixing the car and his wife made a nice dinner. I thought it was really nice and thanked him profusely. Then again, we do that kind of thing for each other. I thought it was just the way we roll but it turns out he had an ulterior motive that day. You see, we choose vacation days based on seniority at work. I ended up getting two summer weeks that he wants (well actually he is willing to settle for one of them). He asked me to swap weeks with him about 6 months ago and I said no. I didn't go into reasons why but he asked what my plans were that I was not willing to swap. That kind of rubbed me the wrong way--I mean gosh it is my vacation WHY do I have to justify it to someone? So I just said "no plans." And I don't have any big plans. I just don't like working during the XYZ fest and have a few doctors appointments (or I have a big surprise planned for my wife, or I am having some treatment I do not want to share, or I feel it would be unprofessional and reflect poorly on my career, etc., etc.) so I figure any answer I would give would not satisfy them. Anyway, so after he helped fix my car it became clear that he and his wife thought they were doing that to "pay" me for trading weeks off. Somehow I am not a good friend if I do not swap vacations with them and now i am just a taker because I accepted the help with the car and dinner. If I had known in advance the help came with a price tag I wouldn't have accepted!! It's not like we never help[ them out or have them over and this is a one way friendship or anything.
Anyway, ever since then the guy asks me all the time about switching (and I keep saying no but it is not sinking in). His wife is even bugging my wife about it.
I am really pretty much done with the friendship at this point. If he thinks I am not a good friend because I refused to be used to let him get prime weeks without the seniority then he isn't much of a friend and i get that. But, I do have to work with the guy and would like to remain civil. Other than continuing to say no does anyone have any ideas of what to tell him to get him to lay off? The vacation is in two weeks now and he is STILL asking and apparently has had a trip planned all along.

 

[NHdisneylover]

i suspect everyone here has (or is) one of those "selfish friends".

For example a friend of SO's lives 2.5 hours away. Their son went to camp a few weeks ago, but the departure point was just 5 minutes from our house and at 8 am.
Because they have 5 kids, 2 parents and a dog that travels with them, (and there are 4 in my family plus a cat) having them stay over here for the night to drop him off wasn't an option. not enough room!!!

So we offered to have their son stay the night and we would see him off and they agreed. They were going to drive, but the 5 hours in a van with thier entire family was just too much for a friday night, so then decided on sending him on the train and we would pick him up from the station. But the train cost was around $85 (unaccompnied minor fees were huge!) and she was nervous sending her 12 year old all by himself.

So i hopped in my van and I drove the 5 hour round trip myself ($65 of gas).
He recently had a birthday (end of june) so we took him out for dinner, and had a nice night out to celebrate. We dropped him off at camp and all was good.

A week later he is home safe and SO gets an email saying "DS mentioned you took him out for dinner for his birthday, but didn't get him a gift. When can we expect it?"

SO was in shock , and actually sent them $40 to buy him something. It has now been a week, and we never got a thank you (not for picking him up, dropping him off, or the $$$).

now remember they have 5 kids.. and today we got a message "dont forget about DD's birthday".

Now we have 2 kids, and they have enver recieved a present from this family, christmas or birthday... and as far as I am concerned, they took 5 hours of my time, $60 in gas, used as baby sitters, the dinner and the $40 (a total of about $120 not including our time), saved themselves the train fee, and now want MORE from us all without even a simple thank you.

I am livid about it but SO is a sucker for their children, and will probably send something more to them.....

I am sure we ALL have a similar story...

so to the OP.. it sucks, but this world is all about ME for half of us, and the other half just have to suck it up

Now you;re "friends" are totally rude I think That was incredibly nice of you to pick the boy up and have him for the evening--taking him to dinner on top of that was icing on the cake.

 

[Pastamom]

OP - I feel for you. It would have been very nice for your "friend" to help you out. That's what friends do - Help each other out in a bind. If I were your DH's friend and had been asked, I would have switched without a problem if I didn't have plans - I'm sure most of my friends would have done the same thing.

I hope you get to do something in August and have fun on your trip in 6 months..

 

[AKL_Megs]

So many people keep harping on NO would have been okay but when he added that he had no plans that was mean and not okay. OP and her husband have been asking him (and his wife) about this repeatedly for 6 months. They have asked IF he had plans. THEY put him in a position of having to say he had none. Honestly, I think the OP and her husband are the ones who are not good friends. Sorry, but I really do. If the friend had posted it probably would read like this (and the friend would probably be getting lots of sympathy from the same posters here who are against him now):

VENT--"friend" will not give up! I have become what I felt was a good friend with the officer I ride patrols with. We talk a lot in the car and also spend a lot of time together outside of work. We help each other out with car repairs and home maintenance type stuff, etc. Not too long ago he invited me over when he heard I was having car trouble. We spent most of the day fixing the car and his wife made a nice dinner. I thought it was really nice and thanked him profusely. Then again, we do that kind of thing for each other. I thought it was just the way we roll but it turns out he had an ulterior motive that day. You see, we choose vacation days based on seniority at work. I ended up getting two summer weeks that he wants (well actually he is willing to settle for one of them). He asked me to swap weeks with him about 6 months ago and I said no. I didn't go into reasons why but he asked what my plans were that I was not willing to swap. That kind of rubbed me the wrong way--I mean gosh it is my vacation WHY do I have to justify it to someone? So I just said "no plans." And I don't have any big plans. I just don't like working during the XYZ fest and have a few doctors appointments (or I have a big surprise planned for my wife, or I am having some treatment I do not want to share, or I feel it would be unprofessional and reflect poorly on my career, etc., etc.) so I figure any answer I would give would not satisfy them. Anyway, so after he helped fix my car it became clear that he and his wife thought they were doing that to "pay" me for trading weeks off. Somehow I am not a good friend if I do not swap vacations with them and now i am just a taker because I accepted the help with the car and dinner. If I had known in advance the help came with a price tag I wouldn't have accepted!! It's not like we never help[ them out or have them over and this is a one way friendship or anything.
Anyway, ever since then the guy asks me all the time about switching (and I keep saying no but it is not sinking in). His wife is even bugging my wife about it.
I am really pretty much done with the friendship at this point. If he thinks I am not a good friend because I refused to be used to let him get prime weeks without the seniority then he isn't much of a friend and i get that. But, I do have to work with the guy and would like to remain civil. Other than continuing to say no does anyone have any ideas of what to tell him to get him to lay off? The vacation is in two weeks now and he is STILL asking and apparently has had a trip planned all along.

There is NO need to blow it so out of proportion...

I/we haven't been asking DAILY, relax.

I don't need to explain, but since you spent SO much time writing your interpretation, I will...


First, there isn't a whole heck of a lot that our "friends" do as favors for us, like you said or seem to think that they do. That is fine, that isn't why we are friends with them... but they sound nicer in your fantasy.

We fly for free, so it's only a matter of making hotel reservations... planning two weeks out works just fine.

DH originally asked 6 months (or so) ago when they put in their bids. I knew I had the first week off.

He asked again a few weeks ago while we were with them both (the wife), and she mentioned to me that she didn't understand why he was so unwilling.

He asked again yesterday because HIS vacations came out yesterday, and MY August schedule came out the day before... I ALSO got the SECOND week of August off, so that is what prompted the asking again.

Think what you want, I know, I am a terrible friend. My husband does, and has offered to do a bunch of things for this man and his wife. Next up on the list was helping lay sod and removing some awnings from their house... I will urge my husband to change his mind on these two things. I just guess YOU (and a few others on here) are the kind of people who think doing favors for people is a one-way street.

 

[robinb]

Think what you want, I know, I am a terrible friend. My husband does, and has offered to do a bunch of things for this man and his wife. Next up on the list was helping lay sod and removing some awnings from their house... I will urge my husband to change his mind on these two things. I just guess YOU (and a few others on here) are the kind of people who think doing favors for people is a one-way street.

I'll suggest again that you try to keep out of your DH's relationship with his co-worker. If he cancels on those two things then he WILL be the petty and childish one in the relationship and that may make working with the co-worker very difficult. Of course, any future requests are fair game.

 

[jrmasm]

Would it have been nice if co worker switched weeks? Yes.

Does it make him not nice for not switching weeks? No.