So A Former Girlfriend of DH's Past Contacted Him.....Very Confused (Updated post46)

[OceanAnnie]

That is shocking news, that I'm sure you were totally unprepared for, especially since your DS may have to hear about this before you'd have time to have a paternity test done, come to terms with it yourself, and then want to tell him at some point. I don't have any advice except to say, DEMAND a paternity test.

Your story reminded me a similar story this past summer from the DIS boards. I did a search, and here's a link to it. This DISer were SURE that the young man WAS her DH's biological son, but it turned out that he wasn't. My best wishes to ALL of you, for a good ending, whatever that ending turns out to be.

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2214500

I was reminded of that story too.



I would close ranks. Get the paternity test. Limit communication until you have your answer. I agree with pp about securing a lawyer. I'd get my financial papers in order too. Anything you were planning to do financially, I would do. And plan what you will tell your DS before he finds out something from the other boy. You don't know what that woman has told her son. And what could circulate at school. It's a potential mess. I would keep the facts minimal. I would discourage your son from talking to the boy until everything is ironed out. Hard to do, but it has the potential to be damaging to your family and better to wait and see for sure what you are dealing with.

I think the former girlfriend handled this terribly. She shouldn't have said anything to her son until she knew. She certainly shouldn't have let her son see your DH Facebook page. Look at the problems that is causing your family now and you don't even know for sure. She isn't looking out for your family's best interest. And that says a lot. She didn't do herself any favors in the process. I would be very wary of her. And I would wonder what she wants now after all of this time.

I would be numb.

 

[DMRick]

Sorry it had to come out this way, no matter how it turns out. Hope it works out for the best for all of you.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Other than getting a paternity test, is there any other advice on how to handle this? I've been in just a numb shock state since he told me.

Without a paternity test, it is difficult to make suggestions. While she may believe it to be your DH's, it may not be.

A court system would require it, so if she doesn't want to do it--she's out of luck I'm afraid.

As for you--this is from DH's past. I would not let it put a wedge in the relationship.

 

[hentob]

First of all....

Next--LAWYER! I need to scream it: GET A LAWYER!

All of these years and she is now contacting your DH? Maybe she is cashed strapped and wants some money help for the child I would not put ANYTHING in writing to this woman. I would block her on FB right now. No more communication without a lawyer.

Also, let's say this child is your DH's....Would he need to pay support since it was technically statutory rape on her part?

So much that beeds to be answered.

This is why you need a lawyer first thing tomorrow morning.

On a side note--Keep supporting your husband You seem very level headed.

 

[disneymarie]

Oh, and block his facebook page from these people.

This is the greatest reason to watch your facebook settings.
If this woman is just dreaming as you dh has now turned around to be the best father for the son, test undone is not fair.

Not fair to all the havack it causes in such a public way, and without merit as yet.

If she had not seen your dh on facebook and the wonderful life he built, she still would potentially not be contacting him.
Really sounds like she has no real clue who the dad is. Which is so sad. These kids are on facebook too, and their friends are on there

WHY IS YOUR DH HAVING PUBLIC SETTINGS ON FB ANYWAY?
Did he want to be found, by whom and why?

Hugs to you with all this preholiday drama.

 

[Kae]

I would get the test first. Make sure you do a fully legal test, do not go the route of do it yourself kits because they do not hold up in court. They do not have to have them done at the same time & you can let the testing site know that you wish to make sure that you are not there at the same time & not to release your appt time-which is the the way it should be done but you never know. Make the site has full legal Chain of Custodies. the Fee will be 375-525. And most places will not accept checks & will need full payment at the time of collection & will not submit the swabs without it.

The main reason I am saying this is to protect the child as well as your DH. The sad thing is the mom could be a little off & could be "baiting" the kid with thoughts of a better life or incoming money.

Good Luck

Kae

 

[lillygator]

ugh, so sorry

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I would get the test first. Make sure you do a fully legal test, do not go the route of do it yourself kits because they do not hold up in court. They do not have to have them done at the same time & you can let the testing site know that you wish to make sure that you are not there at the same time & not to release your appt time-which is the the way it should be done but you never know. Make the site has full legal Chain of Custodies. the Fee will be 375-525. And most places will not accept checks & will need full payment at the time of collection & will not submit the swabs without it.

The main reason I am saying this is to protect the child as well as your DH. The sad thing is the mom could be a little off & could be "baiting" the kid with thoughts of a better life or incoming money.

Good Luck

Kae

One more thing--mom is making the claim, she ponies up the cash. If by chance it is positive, then DH can split the difference.

It is not his duty to prove his innocence, it is her duty to prove his "guilt".
An attorney will also help with that aspect.

I'd rather pay an attorney to make sure everything is handled on the up and up before paying a paternity fee up front based on a woman's hunch.

And DH chooses the paternity testing site.

 

[N.Bailey]

I don't have any real advice to offer really, but just know, it's not the end of the world if he turns out to be this child's father. I'm sure it will be an adjustment, but it sounds like you've got a fantastic husband/marriage and none of that is in jeopardy. Just take it 1 step at a time and realize, you both have each other to help you get thru this. If he turns out to be the father, he'll have some soul searching to do, as will the child more than likely, but it WILL work out in the end.

 

[Imzadi]

Also, let's say this child is your DH's....Would he need to pay support since it was technically statutory rape on her part?

The statute of limitations would be up on any charge of rape. I believe it is 7 years in most states. Plus, the courts always rule in what is in the best welfare of the child. They throw out things like prenups and agreements that are not in the child's best interests.

 

[FireDancer]

I wouldn't worry about anything until after the paternity test. If the child is his I would jut support him and let him make the decision. The situation would be a bit different if this was a child from an affair or a child that he knew was out there and he ignored by choice. In this case it is a child that he didn't know about and the creation of the child was in no way a breach of the marriage.

I think the most important thing to remember is that the child is an innocent part of the equation. Often times adults take out their anger or frustration on the child in situations like this and it is in no way their fault. I'm not saying you would, I don't know you, but there are adults that would see the child as interfering on their lives somehow.

As a man if I found out I had a child out there I would want to meet them and be in their lives 100%. In this situation I would have no control over what happened over the last 16 years but I was part of making the life so I would want to be in it. I think if your husband makes the same decision you should support him. No one wants to feel like they have to choose between on part of their family and another.

 

[1957]

I have no words

Same here. Can't even imagine. Ugh.

 

[rie'smom]

1. Get a paternity test.
2. If DH if the father, tell your son. No sense upsetting him if there is no need.
3. Decide as a family on your future course of action.

 

[kilee]

I think the most important thing to remember is that the child is an innocent part of the equation. Often times adults take out their anger or frustration on the child in situations like this and it is in no way their fault. I'm not saying you would, I don't know you, but there are adults that would see the child as interfering on their lives somehow.

I'm not angry.....more stunned I guess. Right now it will be just a matter of waiting until everything is sorted out and 100% for sure. I am a self admitted control freak, so having to wait w/ something this life altering hanging over me (the not knowing one way or another) is hard for someone like me. However, I will manage.

2. If DH if the father, tell your son. No sense upsetting him if there is no need.

We had to tell my son, which we did today. We told him "there is a chance". Mostly because as this came crashing down we found out the young man in question already knows and knows who my son is. They are in numerous classes together. I guess the young man had a name of my dh but didn't know about my son being his step-son until yesterday. So, I didn't want my son to be blindsided w/ something like that tomorrow at school. I don't know if the child will even say anything to my son, but I didn't want him to find out that way just in case. We also made sure my son wasn't to say anything. They are not friends, but turns out in 1 class they sit right next to each other. I know my son is nervous about tomorrow, and I feel for him. I also feel for this other boy who's mom is handling this all so wrong in my opinion.

 

[BelleWDW]

I have a bad feeling she wants $$$
I wonder if your DH IS the father-if she can sue for back child support?

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

Oh, and block his facebook page from these people.

First of all....

Next--LAWYER! I need to scream it: GET A LAWYER!

All of these years and she is now contacting your DH? Maybe she is cashed strapped and wants some money help for the child I would not put ANYTHING in writing to this woman. I would block her on FB right now. No more communication without a lawyer.

Also, let's say this child is your DH's....Would he need to pay support since it was technically statutory rape on her part?

So much that beeds to be answered.

This is why you need a lawyer first thing tomorrow morning.

On a side note--Keep supporting your husband You seem very level headed.

to both of these. Cut off contact immediately. Set his page to private or remove her from his friends list. I would also alert the school counselor. As a teacher, this is the kind of stuff I and our counselor like to know just so that we can support the kids (and watch out for any fallout, especially as it sounds like the young man in questions is a bit rough around the edges.)

Point blank refuse to do anything until a paternity test- at her cost- has been performed. After 16 years she doesn't get to suddenly change her mind and expect everything to come up roses. I have no doubt that she has some kind of ulterior motive for dropping this on you now. You want to protect yourself.

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I have a bad feeling she wants $$$
I wonder if your DH IS the father-if she can sue for back child support?

I would hope not since she told him it was not his child and did not contact him for 16 years. It's not like he ran off into the wild blue yonder and knowingly abandoned his offspring. Wouldn't the courts look at all that when they make their decision?

 

[Allie G.]

Blah blah blah.

 

[surfergirl602]

STEP 1: demand the test and get it done. She should pay for, I think. She did claim that he wasn't his son, so if you tell her that she is paying for it, she may back out of it if she's just after money or something.
STEP 2: NO meetings until you get the results back - IF its a match, THEN you talk about a meeting.
STEP 3: take a deep breath, give each other a hug, and take one day at a time. You'll get through this.

HUGS!!!!

 

[MushyMushy]

I've been waiting for someone to show up on our soorstep claming to be DH's son. He has told me about his past so it wouldn't be a surprise. If this one was his son, I wouldn't care and would accept him with open arms. Sadly I really wish this would happen because I don't think our family is complete right now.

Wow, okay. That's somewhat of an... unusual response.

The whole biological family reunion is a sticky thing and not always the Hallmark moment you see on Oprah. I don't think the OP is a bad person for feeling apprehensive about this whole thing.