So A Former Girlfriend of DH's Past Contacted Him.....Very Confused (Updated post46)

[Took]

Let me second those who say "get a lawyer, now!" Even before the test is done, I would consult one, just to understand the legal ramifications. one consultation should not be that expensive. Make sure to see someone fluent in family law.

Then, do what the lawyer suggests.

Good luck.

 

[Disneylover79]

I am not a parent so I can't say much...but I do want to say get a Lawyer and for you....please keep us posted

 

[Allie G.]

Wow, okay. That's somewhat of an... unusual response.

The whole biological family reunion is a sticky thing and not always the Hallmark moment you see on Oprah. I don't think the OP is a bad person for feeling apprehensive about this whole thing.

.

 

[horseshowmom]

I would hope not since she told him it was not his child and did not contact him for 16 years. It's not like he ran off into the wild blue yonder and knowingly abandoned his offspring. Wouldn't the courts look at all that when they make their decision?

My cousin is married to a man who had this happen. She did try to take him to court for back child support for all those years when the girl was about 16 or so (after she and her husband divorced). The judge told her that she didn't have that option because she chose to keep the girl from her dad all those years (the mother married someone else and didn't want to have to share the child with the dad while she was growing up). Of course, every court can be different.

 

[GoldieSaysMeep2]

I wouldn't worry about anything until after the paternity test. If the child is his I would jut support him and let him make the decision. The situation would be a bit different if this was a child from an affair or a child that he knew was out there and he ignored by choice. In this case it is a child that he didn't know about and the creation of the child was in no way a breach of the marriage.

Depends who you are. FI and I discussed before we got seriously involved that if anything like this EVER came up for us, it would be a dealbreaker for me. I do not want children. Not now, not ever. And yes, I am not ashamed to say it-- I would absolutely leave my soon to be DH if I found out he had a kid. End of story. He is well aware of this and agrees with me. I doubt it would ever come up but we did discuss What If.

 

[kilee]

We are not seeing eye-to-eye on this and it's making it difficult. Up until today I thought we were on the same page. I did contact a lawyer that was highly recommended in our area by someone in the field I trust completely.

They told me to: First and foremost to save the communication from her stating she denied dh being the father (just in case). He also told me unless she does go for support we'd be hard pressed to force her to pay for a paternity test. If she did go for support he told me she probably wouldn't be able to get 16 yrs back support because of her admission to exclude dh from this child's life and denying dh was the father back then. He said there is always a chance but it's unlikely. He also said if she were to try to go for support then we could go "after" her to pay for the paternity test since she denied dh was the father originally and we have it in writing. He also said by the time she paid for an attorney, paid for paternity testing, that if he were her attorney he'd tell her she probably wouldn't come up too much ahead given the age of this child.

That doesn't mean anything though because he was very careful to stress this is all probable's. Right now he said we'd pretty much have to fork up the money to get a paternity test because at this moment we are wanting to know "just because". Well he's darn right I want to know for sure, who wouldn't.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that dh should not have to provide something in the way of support if it were shown to be his child. I just don't believe it should the past 16 yrs worth.

So now I'm in a bind, for us to pay for the test it will not happen until February-March. We are moving right after the first of the year and I have ABSOLUTELY no spare money. Dh says we cannot wait that long, because he cannot hurt this child by saying "hey you're gonna have to wait 6 months to know".

He says at this point he feels he should meet the child and just be upfront that we are going to be getting the test in the spring. I think this is a VERY, VERY bad idea. I am a compassionate person and ultimately I feel for this teenager, BUT I also think going this route could hurt him just as much.

3 days ago my life was normal, peaceful, and happy. Today I feel like I stepped onto the set of a VERY bad episode of Jerry Springer/Maury....and that is not the type of person I am.

 

[allison443]

ahhhh obviously technology is not the problem here......people cause these problems with or without facebook. Facebook is an excellent tool if used correctly (I love keeping in touch with family & friends all over the world) and people could take the same stance on the internet saying it is evil and dangerous. Don't blame technology, it is the ex GF who caused this problem.

Yeah, I agree facebook didn't cause the problem since apparently they all still live in the same area. OP's son and this woman's son sit next to each other in class..I'm pretty sure the woman could have found OP's husband without facebook! Like the phonebook!

 

[Liberty Belle]

I completely see your husband's point. This poor boy may feel as if he were rejected by his father all his life and then to be "rejected" now might damage the relationship forever.

I see your point, too, though. If it were me, I'd absolutely do what I could to get the paternity test asap. I just don't think it's fair to wait six months and I know I could not wait that long knowing this might be my child.

 

[Disney Doll]

OP, I suggest you find the money for a paternity test somewhere. Charge card, borrow it, do what you have to do. You cannot sit ont his situation for 6 months.

 

[allison443]

We are not seeing eye-to-eye on this and it's making it difficult. Up until today I thought we were on the same page. I did contact a lawyer that was highly recommended in our area by someone in the field I trust completely.

They told me to: First and foremost to save the communication from her stating she denied dh being the father (just in case). He also told me unless she does go for support we'd be hard pressed to force her to pay for a paternity test. If she did go for support he told me she probably wouldn't be able to get 16 yrs back support because of her admission to exclude dh from this child's life and denying dh was the father back then. He said there is always a chance but it's unlikely. He also said if she were to try to go for support then we could go "after" her to pay for the paternity test since she denied dh was the father originally and we have it in writing. He also said by the time she paid for an attorney, paid for paternity testing, that if he were her attorney he'd tell her she probably wouldn't come up too much ahead given the age of this child.

That doesn't mean anything though because he was very careful to stress this is all probable's. Right now he said we'd pretty much have to fork up the money to get a paternity test because at this moment we are wanting to know "just because". Well he's darn right I want to know for sure, who wouldn't.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that dh should not have to provide something in the way of support if it were shown to be his child. I just don't believe it should the past 16 yrs worth.

So now I'm in a bind, for us to pay for the test it will not happen until February-March. We are moving right after the first of the year and I have ABSOLUTELY no spare money. Dh says we cannot wait that long, because he cannot hurt this child by saying "hey you're gonna have to wait 6 months to know".

He says at this point he feels he should meet the child and just be upfront that we are going to be getting the test in the spring. I think this is a VERY, VERY bad idea. I am a compassionate person and ultimately I feel for this teenager, BUT I also think going this route could hurt him just as much.

3 days ago my life was normal, peaceful, and happy. Today I feel like I stepped onto the set of a VERY bad episode of Jerry Springer/Maury....and that is not the type of person I am.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine the upheaval.

I wouldn't be able to wait several months. Can you charge the test on a credit card and find out asap, so you can make good decisions about what to do? I agree with you it would not be good for your dh to meet the kid and spend time with him without knowing whether he is in fact the father.

 

[lovetoscrap]

I would be very concerned about hurting the boy if they meet now. Any contact he has with your husband now will cause him to start bonding and thinking of him as Dad. He is 16. He can't fully comprehend all the complicated aspects of this. He is run by emotions.

Please don't hurt this boy. Your husband and he have waited 16 years to meet, a few more months isn't much more to wait. I have no idea how much a paternity test costs, but I certainly would move this up on the priority list of expenses and try to do it ASAP.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I agree with the others, get the paternity test, asap. They aren't that expensive, I would do whatever was necessary to come up with the money. I'm sure for your dh finding out whether or not it's his son is worth any price.

 

[LisaR]

3 days ago my life was normal, peaceful, and happy. Today I feel like I stepped onto the set of a VERY bad episode of Jerry Springer/Maury....and that is not the type of person I am.

Maybe you guys could go on Jerry Springer and have him pay for the paternity test! I'm sorry. I was just trying to lighten the mood a little. I know this has to be so tough on your family. Are paternity tests that expensive? I assume insurance won't cover any of it? Probably unlikely but maybe your DH can convince the ex GF to pay for the test; letting her know that your DH wants to be very involved if it turns out to be his son. Sorry you are going through this. Good luck.

 

[tasha99]

While I know the timing is inconvenient with your move, you really need to do the paternity test now. Six months is too long to wait, and I see your husband's point--if this boy is his son, he absolutely should be paying support and seeing him from this point forward, not six months from now when a paternity test would be more convenient.

 

[Buckalew11]

How much is the test. I think someone (both sides) owes it to this 16yo kid not to mess around with this anymore. Do whatever it takes to get this test done before spring.

 

[pearlieq]

You can order DNA testing kits online for personal use for about $80. These tests aren't able to be used in legal proceedings, but you can get a yea/nay before you decide to proceed with a court case.

With some companies, if you get your private test through them they will apply what you paid toward the legal test if you choose to go that route.

Here's one company:

http://www.swabtest.com/

 

[FSUDisneyGirl]

Find the money, do the test soon. Your life will be a complete upheaval until you find out.

to you, I know you never expected to be in this situation. I can tell. I hope you get this all straightened out very soon.

 

[4nana]

My heart breaks for you, I can't imagine what a shock this all is to you and DH and how you must be feeling . I have no advise sweetie, but I'd have to find the money to have a DNA and have this settled as as possible! Please take a deep breath, try to be patient and stay strong, take it one day at a time, just in case you're in for the long haul.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We are not seeing eye-to-eye on this and it's making it difficult. Up until today I thought we were on the same page. I did contact a lawyer that was highly recommended in our area by someone in the field I trust completely.

They told me to: First and foremost to save the communication from her stating she denied dh being the father (just in case). He also told me unless she does go for support we'd be hard pressed to force her to pay for a paternity test. If she did go for support he told me she probably wouldn't be able to get 16 yrs back support because of her admission to exclude dh from this child's life and denying dh was the father back then. He said there is always a chance but it's unlikely. He also said if she were to try to go for support then we could go "after" her to pay for the paternity test since she denied dh was the father originally and we have it in writing. He also said by the time she paid for an attorney, paid for paternity testing, that if he were her attorney he'd tell her she probably wouldn't come up too much ahead given the age of this child.

That doesn't mean anything though because he was very careful to stress this is all probable's. Right now he said we'd pretty much have to fork up the money to get a paternity test because at this moment we are wanting to know "just because". Well he's darn right I want to know for sure, who wouldn't.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that dh should not have to provide something in the way of support if it were shown to be his child. I just don't believe it should the past 16 yrs worth.

So now I'm in a bind, for us to pay for the test it will not happen until February-March. We are moving right after the first of the year and I have ABSOLUTELY no spare money. Dh says we cannot wait that long, because he cannot hurt this child by saying "hey you're gonna have to wait 6 months to know".

He says at this point he feels he should meet the child and just be upfront that we are going to be getting the test in the spring. I think this is a VERY, VERY bad idea. I am a compassionate person and ultimately I feel for this teenager, BUT I also think going this route could hurt him just as much.

3 days ago my life was normal, peaceful, and happy. Today I feel like I stepped onto the set of a VERY bad episode of Jerry Springer/Maury....and that is not the type of person I am.

That is "not the type of person you are"?

OK, I repeat I went through this similiar situation 3ish yrs ago. The difference is that dh's dd was 22 and he did not know of her existence.

Fast forward to today......She has 3 children which makes me a grandma. My dd's who are 18 and 13 are half sister's and aunts.

I went to her family's Thanksgiving this year. I went to her son's first b-day party. Prior to that we were invited to a baby shower for this grandson.

We paid for the paternity test. My dh did fly out several times to visit with her. We were living in TX when this happened. We have since moved back home to MO and this is one of the reasons for doing so.

Now have we given her some money as gifts to help her out. It is not the best scenario for her however she does work to support her kids. She is a very nice person and the kids are cute. She is with the guy who is the father of the 3rd child.

She was with the father of the second child when she contacted us.

My point is.....if this boy is your dh's son, he has a right to get to know him right away. Getting a paternity test should be on the short list of things to do. Waiting makes no sense to me. They are in the 300.00ish range IIRC.

I guess I do not understand why you think you have control of your DH to force him into your decisions?

I asked my dh what he was going to do and supported him.

 

[ProgressCity]

Wow, seems like a sad situation all the way around. I feel bad for this kid, it sounds like his mom is a quack.

OP, I'm sending positive vibes your way with some hugs! I totally get the control freak thing, I'm the same way. It's not that things have to necessarily go my way (although the world would be better if they would ) but it's just the not knowing that would drive me crazy, feeling like there's all these balls in the air and not knowing where they'll land.

Don't let anyone tell you that how you feel is wrong. This is a crazy situation and you can feel however you want about it. It is wrong that this lady can come out from no where and disrupt your lives. Of course with a kid involved things are never simple or fair and he is an innocent bystander that is unfortunately now paying for his mother's issues.

I say do what's best for your marriage and your family. However, I think having this whole paternity test things hanging over your heads will make for an uncomfortable home environment. Just realize that your DH is going to have feelings about this that you aren't going to be able to understand or comprehend because you are both on different sides of the coin in this situation, just like it's going to be hard for him to completely understand your feelings.