Slightly OT, need advice

[Summer-Caitlin]

Okay I need your advice on something...

As most of you know I am having an Intimate Wedding and only my mom is attending. My father and I had a very rocky relationship and at the age of 16 I told him I never wanted to see him again. At 19 he contacted me and told me he was getting married and I decided to give him one more chance. I pulled out 2 weeks before the wedding and told him it was inappropriate for our first meeting after so many years, I mean there were so many things I needed to ask him. About a month later he let me down again, badly and I decided enough was enough and chose not to speak to him again.
Just after my 22nd birthday my father died in an accident and I still have tremendous guilt over not trying again to sort things out.
Anyway, the thing is as it is now coming up to our Wedding I feel I should remember him somehow at the Wedding. I would have hoped, had he still been alive, that we would have managed to sort things out by now. So I would have invited him to the Wedding. His parents and I get on great! My father was a singer and loved Elvis. I have a CD of my own fathers recordings and I was wondering if I should use one of his songs for our first dance or something like that, sort of like he's there, what do you think? I don't know if this is maybe wrong, I guess
I'm thinking of doing a commemorative flower or something also, but I thought this may be a good idea.
If anyone has any other ideas, please let me know.

Thanks again everyone

 

[orangetiggs]

I would say go for it, I am sure he will be looking down on you when your daya rrives and I'm sur that you would have sorted things out by now and he would be attending.

 

[shaun&miranda]

I think if you want to remember him somehow then playing one of his songs would be a lovely way to do it.

If it was me, I might not play it for my first dance with my new husband, but maybe when you would have had the father/daughter dance, play the music, and maybe dance with your mum instead to his song?

Whatever you decide to do, I am sure it would have meant a great deal to him to know you thought of him.

Miranda

 

[Hollyblue]

What a hard decision for you. I think it would be nice to play one of his songs on your first dance.

I lost my Auntie last year in a terrible accident and she will be missing at my wedding in June, I think about her every day and miss her so much. I am going to ask everyone to raise their glasses for her at my reception.

I hope things go well on your wedding day and I am sure your Dad will be looking down on you and know that you would have wanted him there.

 

[janine]

My DH had a similar scenario, as his Father left him when he was about 9. He never saw him again until he was dying. We remembered His Father (& Mother also, as sadly she also passed away a couple of years ago) by lighting a beautiful candle together at the ceremony. Disney Floral made us a little card to put by the candle with their names and a few words.

I am certain your Dad will be by your side as you take your vows.

It sounds as though you have already made your peace with your Dad.

Sending you hugs.

 

[Tinkerbelle14]

You can also leave a seat in the front row empty with a picture of him or flowers or something on it.
I also was going to recommend the lighting of a candle.

 

[myprincessgirlisa]

JUST OUT Of curiousity, how does your mom feel about all this?

I am asking because depending on her response/reaction to something like this, it could turn out sour

Im not telling you not to do it, I definitely think you should do something since you cared about him& you miss him...I just want you to have a wonderful wedding day & not have it turn into something else

But if you were to do something, I would go with a rose or light a special candle.

good luck

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

To be honest, I haven't yet discussed this with my mom. They divorced when I was 16 and they had many unresolved issues. However she always wanted us to make our own decisions. At my brothers wedding last year, he dedicated a song to my father, and she was fine with that. I will speak to her about this though as I don't want to make her feel awkward, but I would like to do something to show I remember him.

 

[PirateBride08]

To be honest, I haven't yet discussed this with my mom. They divorced when I was 16 and they had many unresolved issues. However she always wanted us to make our own decisions. At my brothers wedding last year, he dedicated a song to my father, and she was fine with that. I will speak to her about this though as I don't want to make her feel awkward, but I would like to do something to show I remember him.

I think the song idea is really good. My situation is a little different, my parents split up when I was 5 and divorced when I was 8. I lived with my dad and older brother from 8 on up. When I was 19 my dad passed away. He was my world and my brother and I still can't talk about him- 8 years later. I am going to have my brother give me away because my mom and I aren't so close but I also want to do something for my dad. I was thinking of a flower or a candle or something. My dad couldn't hold a tune in a bucket, I think your dad's singing would be really special and different.

My mom and dad's divorce was UGLY and my mom still doesn't have to many positive things to say about him BUT she understands that he meant a lot to me and my brother and she respects that. I would talk it over with your mom and if she is OK with it then I would go for it!

 

[TinkBride]

Here comes 1/2 of your personal cheerleaders.........

I am sure maggie will be here soon as well.....

I think the fact that you want to remember him, regardless of past issues is a wonderful idea. As, I am sure he would have appreciated it as well. The song is a nice idea, but having it as your first dance as husband and wife may be a too much? I guess the reason I say this, is that the first dance as husband and wife should be ONLY about the husband and wife, i don't think putting other emotions or issues into that may be the best idea.

But, i def. think he should be remembered and included in some way. The rememberance "empty chair" and flowers is a beautiful gesture. And the idea of playing his songs is a wonderful idea. My opinion is playing a song of his during the unity candle section of the ceremony. That part of the ceremony symbolizes two lives coming together, good and bad, and since your dad was a part of your life, it only seems fitting that he is recognized as a part of yourself coming together as your husband's wife. Does that make sense?

Good Luck!

P.S. I also think that whatever you decide you should discuss it with your mother, as her feelings need to be considered as well.

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

I too thought that maybe having his song as first dance for husband and wife was kinda inappropriate. I like the Unity candle idea, but as we are having an outside wedding I'm worried that this may not work (wind factor)
I think I'll definately go with the empty chair and the flower, does it have to be a rose? I really wanted a Callalilly as these are my favourite flowers and my dad knew this.
I guess I just need to think of an appropriate song if I go with the Unity Candle idea.

 

[princessdisneybelle]

I too thought that maybe having his song as first dance for husband and wife was kinda inappropriate. I like the Unity candle idea, but as we are having an outside wedding I'm worried that this may not work (wind factor)
I think I'll definately go with the empty chair and the flower, does it have to be a rose? I really wanted a Callalilly as these are my favourite flowers and my dad knew this.
I guess I just need to think of an appropriate song if I go with the Unity Candle idea.

You can have a hurricane glass put over your candles. Several brides on here have for their outdoor ceremonies. Just talk to you EM. And I think the flower can be whatever you like.

 

[TinkBride]

I say go with cala lillies! I think they are prettier than a rose anyways and it does not have to be a specific type of flower, whatever you think is fitting!

We are also having an outside wedding, and instead of doing a unity candle, we are doing a unity sand ceremony. (due to wind)

 

[janine]

I had the hurricane glass for my candle to go in. They told me it could possibly not light or go out, as we had our ceremony outside at the Yacht Club, but it didn't. My candle was a tall white candle with swarovski mickey heads all over it. They put it in a pretty bag for me to take home afterwards, and I shall light it every year on our anniversary.
I love the empty seat idea though, I wish I had thought of that too.

 

[JandJ]

I'm sorry you didn't have a chance to reconnect with you father. I lost my mom unexpectedly 4 months before our wedding. My mom was my best friend and I miss her every day. All of the suggestions here have been great. I would talk to your mom about it and make sure she won't feel "weird" but a song, not your first dance, but dancing to a song your father did is a wonderful idea - how special that you have his music!

We were outside as well and did not want any candles. I didn't really want to light a candle for Mom and then have it blown out - by wind or by a person. That just seemed sad to me. I asked Rev. Jack to say a prayer at the beginning of the ceremony for mom. I trusted him to choose the words and he did it perfectly. I found a vase on-line with a little memorial printed on it for Mom. The imprinting was basically, "Although you cannot be with us in person, your spirit surrounds us this day" and her name. Disney Floral provided her favorite flower, a peach colored rose. We set it on the table next to my daddy on Sunrise Terrace. That rose lasted through our entire honeymoon - it was like Mom was there - it was really special. You can't see the imprinting on the vase, but DH took this picture for me:

Ty took several as well, this is my favorite:

 

[The Charmed One]

I saw a photo from a wedding of a bouquet and it had 2 passport size photo's in black and white tied to it with ribbon, I thought maybe this was for somebody they had lost.

I'm so sorry for your loss, my dad died on my 16th birthday, it will be 16 years ago this may.

I knew my dad was there with me on my wedding day and he let me know, we used to go to church street station in orlando for the day when we visited as kids and we always saw a really long train, my dad often videoed them and they had at least 70 carriages on them, and took forever to pass, my dad loved seeing them, we don't know whether we were there just at the right time, but always saw one.
I got married on the 4th Oct at cypress grove just as the wedding was starting about 5 mins in, a train passed by and we had to wait as no one could hear what the lady was saying, my auntie shouted up to me it's your dad, he's letting us know he's here, we all agreed, might sound daft, but we thought it was nice, then on the 13th oct we went to the same place to collect our photo's and another train passed, so that's how my dad turned up to my wedding.

I'm sure you'll find the perfect thing for you.

Here's the picture's.

This is the picture, it's from Tori Spelling's wedding, I saw a closer up picture but this is all I could find. You can see the photo dangling down.

The picture's not very good quality.

 

[Cinderella Fan]

S-C, I am not going to say I know how you feel. But, I understand your situation. My father and I have also been estranged since I was 16, and I was a little unsure how I would feel getting married and now having my Father at our wedding. When your a little girl, you dream of your Daddy walking you down the aisle.... To make it a little more upsetting, BG's father passed away a month before the wedding, so we were both without our father's on our wedding day.

Though my father is still alive, BG and I decided to have a "Memory Candle" on both sides of the aisle for our father's. I was hoping that, some how, my father would know that I was thinking of him on that day.

Whatever you decide, it will be the best for you and your Mom. I think the rose idea is very appropriate - but that is your decision. Your father knows how you feel - and he knows that you will be thinking of him on your special day, no matter what you do for him....

 

[Maggimus]

I'm sorry you didn't have a chance to reconnect with you father. I lost my mom unexpectedly 4 months before our wedding. My mom was my best friend and I miss her every day. All of the suggestions here have been great. I would talk to your mom about it and make sure she won't feel "weird" but a song, not your first dance, but dancing to a song your father did is a wonderful idea - how special that you have his music!

We were outside as well and did not want any candles. I didn't really want to light a candle for Mom and then have it blown out - by wind or by a person. That just seemed sad to me. I asked Rev. Jack to say a prayer at the beginning of the ceremony for mom. I trusted him to choose the words and he did it perfectly. I found a vase on-line with a little memorial printed on it for Mom. The imprinting was basically, "Although you cannot be with us in person, your spirit surrounds us this day" and her name. Disney Floral provided her favorite flower, a peach colored rose. We set it on the table next to my daddy on Sunrise Terrace. That rose lasted through our entire honeymoon - it was like Mom was there - it was really special. You can't see the imprinting on the vase, but DH took this picture for me:

Ty took several as well, this is my favorite:

Jen, your story is so touching. I love the idea of a vase and rose..

 

[disprincessatheart]

Just another idea...

My cousin got married a few years back on what would have been our grandfather's 90th birthday. He too was a singer of sorts and we had a couple of old 45's of him singing. During one part of the ceremony, they played one of his old records to remember both grandparents. It was really touching.

 

[jasnal]

SC Im so sorry about your dad. I am struggling with a similar decision as to what I want to do for him at the ceremony to remember him. I was very close to my father. We have thought about putting a picture of him with a candle in front of it. They have a website where you can order personalized memorial hurricane glasses for the candles. If you are interested I can give you the website (I have to search for it)