Sister's Wedding brunch

[taximomfor4]

DH and I have agreed to the same resolution for events in our lives, too. However, in this situation, the OP really wants her BF to go. It is a big deal to her and it is completely reasonable for her to ask him to be there. It shouldn't matter if the BF thinks it is stupid if this is something really important to the OP. We make these kinds of sacrifices for people we care about.

I am having a medical test on Monday. I am sure I will be fine and I could find someone else to drive me home. The person who comes will probably spend a lot of boring time in the waiting room. But I want DH to take me and it is important for me that he be there. He will have to take time off from work, and he is self-employed which means he won't get paid, but he is doing it because I really want him to do it.

I guess it depends on if the OP has TOLD her bf how important to her his attendance is. Hard to tell from tone on a message board, but I sort of read that OP's upset because he has the $ but doesn't want to go. The people we love might know us well, but sometimes we still have to specifically tell them things! OP could just TELL him she really wants him there with her, that it's important to her...but then she should also acknowledge that she's asking him to be there FOR HER -- not because it's part of the wedding.

 

[Scurvy]

We all base our responses on personal experience. I am thankful that DH and I have the type of relationship where we are honest about what really matters to us. We have been invited to some social events where one or the other of us have said "If you don't want to go to this, it's fine, but I think I'd still like to go" or "I know you aren't too thrilled about doing this but it would mean a lot to me if you come". I have gone to some social events with/for him where I would have rather had burning bamboo shoots stuck under my nails, and he has done the same for me. For us, it's just one of those sacrifices you make sometimes for someone you care about.

For me, there are two issues here: the boyfriend attending the brunch and the boyfriend paying to attend the brunch.

I don't see anything wrong with him saying he doesn't really want to go to the brunch, but if he refuses to go even once he knows it's important to the OP then that's not good. But at this point I don't think the OP has said that he has refused to go - just that he doesn't really want to, at least if he's expected to pay for it. I agree that he should just suck it up and go if it's important to the OP for him to be there. So really I agree with you completely that his attendance at the brunch is the kind of sacrifice that couples make for each other, and he should be willing to do that for the OP.

As for paying - I don't think he should be expected to pay for himself to go. It's not his event, and whoever invited him should pay. I agree that if it's sort of an informal get together with no host then the Bride doesn't have to pay, but then the OP should since she's the one who wants her boyfriend there. With both the brunch and the baseball example, I would think less of the person who refused to go even after knowing it was important to their significant other. On the other hand, I would also think less of the person who wants their boyfriend/girlfriend to come to an event and pay their own way. If I were dating someone and he insisted I go with him to a pricey meal (or a game, or some other event) but he also expected me to pay for it I'd be very annoyed, and I'd think that he was being a cheapskate. If the relationship was important to me I'd probably do it anyway, but I would wonder why he didn't pay for my portion himself since he was the one who wanted me there.

 

[tzolkin]

We had a night wedding and a brunch the next morning at the B&B DH and I (and many of the guests) stayed at. Ours was really and extension of the reception. It was called "immediate family", but it was 80 of the 100 people that were at our wedding. That said, it wasn't $40pp and my parents paid for it.

I would also be upset with the boyfriend if I were in the OP's position. However, I would not have said anything to my sister. Now the boyfriend looks like a jerk to the rest of the family whether he comes or not. If this is someone you're serious about, you'll need to discuss it more with him and then try to smooth it over with your family.

 

[robinb]

For an "upscale hotel", I don't think $40 per person for a brunch is terribly expensive..

I was thinking the same thing.

{shrug} I wouldn't let anyone pay for my BF unless they were paying for others (like your mom or sister paying for all family members). He's being a cheapskate and since he's just a BF I would leave him at home and enjoy the buffet with your family without him.

 

[bluesaturn]

I don't care if the host should be paying, if this is "technically" a wedding event, etc. If someone who cares about you can't splurge a whole $40 on something that means alot to you, time to find a new boyfriend.

However, sometimes people are not very forthcoming with their feelings. Have you just plain told him you want him to come because this is very important to you? If so, and he still isn't willing, he sounds like a major dud.

 

[focusondisney]

Sorry, without more info I can't make a judgement on the long term prospects of this relationship.. how long has the OP dated this guy, how serious are they, even how old they both are. But OP only asked what to do about this situation, so here's my take: I don't think the boyfriend needs to attend this brunch. No matter the cost or who pays. He may already be attending the rehearsal dinner & the reception. Which he may be doing because it is so important to OP. Sorry, I think you need to cut him slack on this one. Why can't you attend an "immediate family" event alone? Sounds sort of immature that you must have him @ everything.

As far as telling your sister that he didn't want to pay, not loyal to him. It made him look cheap & may make your family think less of him. I doubt you want that. And as far as if he could afford it, I know I'm not very happy if someone wants to tell me how I should spend my hard earned money.

Everyone has a different tolerence level for social situations, he may be at his with the wedding, rehearsal & other activities. If OP cares about him, maybe she should not push him on this. Things being "important" to boyfriend/ girlfriend goes both ways.

I say all this as someone currently planing a family wedding & married MANY yrs. myself. Just let it go...

 

[Disney Doll]

I sort of agree with the pp who said maybe the bf just thinks that 3rd day of celebration is just too much.

BTW, I am apparently quite different from many here. DH and I attend the major events together (the wedding/reception). Anything else, we always INVITE each other but attending alone is always fine by us. I didn't go to his class reunion, he didn't go to mine. Sometimes I attend his work's retirement dinners, sometimes I don't. I must admit, we do weigh the cost into the decision. Would I like to go to the retirement dinner this year? Yeah. Is this year's retiree someone I want to celebrate with so much that it's worth the extra $60? No. SO DH will attend without me, and have fun with his co-workers.

I guess I'm saying, it's JUST a brunch. An added, nice touch to the wedding weekend...but not a big deal for just OP to go. She doesn't need a "date" for the brunch.

But is IS a big deal to her. She wants him to go with her.
maybe it wouldn't be a big deal to you, but if she has told him that it would be very important to her if he attends despite his feelings about the whole thing, that should have some merit.

 

[aprilgail2]

If this is something you are officially invited to as part of the wedding festivities, then the host (your sister or parents or whoever) really should be paying. If it's just one of those things that everyone has decided together, then that's different. Either way, I don't think you and your boyfriend necessarily have to go together. Unless you're engaged you aren't really an inseparable social unit for things like this, and there's nothing wrong with him sitting this part out.
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I agree with this as well. I'm surprised that there would be a post-wedding brunch and the host would not be paying. In my experience, whenever there are seperate events (rehearsal dinner, breakfast, weekend activites) as part of the wedding (i.e., you're only going because the host had a wedding the day before and invited the guests), then the host would pick up the tab.

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I totally agree! I can't imagine inviting people to an after wedding brunch and telling them "ok, its 40.00 each"----whomever is hosting the wedding, parents, bride and groom etc should be picking up the tab for this event.

 

[frndshpcptn]

I totally agree! I can't imagine inviting people to an after wedding brunch and telling them "ok, its 40.00 each"----whomever is hosting the wedding, parents, bride and groom etc should be picking up the tab for this event.

I agree as well...every post wedding brunch I've been to (and there have been a few) have been paid for by the bridal couple / parents. Usually the brunch is at the same hotel where everyone has spent the night...

 

[FayeW]

But is IS a big deal to her. She wants him to go with her.
maybe it wouldn't be a big deal to you, but if she has told him that it would be very important to her if he attends despite his feelings about the whole thing, that should have some merit.

Yes, well, maybe he knows that the rehearsal dinner, the actual wedding, and the reception are also important to her. Maybe he doesn't want to do any of this stuff and it's all he can do to force himself to attend the events he knows that he "has" to attend as the boyfriend of the bride's sister. How many demands does she get to make on his time and his money in one weekend in the name of "it's important to me"???

If I had to guess I would say he's thinking "I"m going to the wedding and the reception...what's the big deal? The wedding is over...it's just breakfast"

I have a feeling that if a female poster was complaining that her boyfriend was insisting she spend her money on something that was not of interest to her, we'd still have people telling her to dump him...only in that scenario it would be because he was clearly bossy and manipulative and he had no right to demand anything of her, certainly not how she spends her money! They would tell her he had control issues and she should run far away!

 

[robsmom]

How many demands does she get to make on his time and his money in one weekend in the name of "it's important to me"???

I think this is really the exact question at hand and for me there are 2 answers. 1. How much demand of his Time does she get - As much as she wants. It is her sisters wedding. If it takes 3 days so be it. He should go with her to any parts that she wants him to accompany her to. 2. How much demand of his money does she get - None. It is her sisters wedding. If it costs money for any aspects of it, that is her responsibility not her boyfriends. OP should be picking up the tab and to expect her BF to pay is actually cheap on her part not his. Telling her sister and letting her sister pay for it is really really cheap of the OP. She is basically telling her sister that the boyfriend is important enough to her that he has to be included in a family event but not important enough for her to pay for his participation. OP your sister is getting married, she has things to do and pay for. She has stress, she really does not need your drama over $40. You are an adult - figure it out without her.

 

[Disney Doll]

Yes, well, maybe he knows that the rehearsal dinner, the actual wedding, and the reception are also important to her. Maybe he doesn't want to do any of this stuff and it's all he can do to force himself to attend the events he knows that he "has" to attend as the boyfriend of the bride's sister. How many demands does she get to make on his time and his money in one weekend in the name of "it's important to me"???

If I had to guess I would say he's thinking "I"m going to the wedding and the reception...what's the big deal? The wedding is over...it's just breakfast"

I have a feeling that if a female poster was complaining that her boyfriend was insisting she spend her money on something that was not of interest to her, we'd still have people telling her to dump him...only in that scenario it would be because he was clearly bossy and manipulative and he had no right to demand anything of her, certainly not how she spends her money! They would tell her he had control issues and she should run far away!

Maybe if he has such a hard time giving up some of his time tohis GF & her family for something that's important to her, then perhaps she's not as important to him as she would hope to be.

Sorry, but if he has to ask "what's the big deal" about any part of her sister's wedding weekend, he's not getting it or not wanting to get it or not caring.

That's my opinion. I do things for my husband that I may not necessarily want to do because I love him and want him happy. He does the same for me. And I am quite glad that we are both willing to do that for each other.

I handle relationships differently than you do apparently, so we'll have to agree to disagree.

 

[FayeW]

Maybe if he has such a hard time giving up some of his time tohis GF & her family for something that's important to her, then perhaps she's not as important to him as she would hope to be.

Sorry, but if he has to ask "what's the big deal" about any part of her sister's wedding weekend, he's not getting it or not wanting to get it or not caring.

That's my opinion. I do things for my husband that I may not necessarily want to do because I love him and want him happy. He does the same for me. And I am quite glad that we are both willing to do that for each other.

I handle relationships differently than you do apparently, so we'll have to agree to disagree.

I think the distinction here is that we are married, the OP is not. We all do things for our family in the name of harmony that we don't necessarily want to do, or enjoy doing. Every year I attend a barbecue party for my husband's work that I despise and dread going to. He has a great time and the kids love going so I shut my trap and put on a happy face, so I guess we don't view relationships so different after all.

I have no time or patience for the wedding extravaganzas that appear to be the norm. Every wedding is now supposed to be the "wedding of the century". I wish people would get it through their heads that a wedding is important to the bride and groom, and a handful of others. To everybody else it is just another day with something else you have to do that comes with a big price tag. Expecting people to make themselves available for a "wedding weekend" full of must attend events is selfish, self absorbed, and ridiculous. I wish people would put as much effort into their marriages as they do planning the festivities.

We have no idea what the history is with the OP, the boyfriend, her sister, or the wedding. He may be sick to death of hearing anything more about the wedding, he may be tired of watching OP being pulled in a hundred different directions with demands from the bride or their parents. We have no idea. I just thinking hanging the guy out to dry because he thinks Day 3 of a celebration for a wedding is more than he wants to commit either the time or the money for is silly.

 

[alexandria674]

If the OP wants him to be there that bad, for whatever reasons then I think there should be a frank conversation between the couple. This means a lot to the OP and so she should tell him why. The brunch cost isn't that much ( to me,for a hotel, it's not that munch) if he can afford it. If the boyfriend has such a big deal with it, then he should tell her why. However, I saw that this was immeadiate family going, the boyfriend is not required to go. From the original post, the boyfriend seems to take a big deal out of the hotel cost, all I have to say to this is, when it is his own wedding, it is his choice. It seems that the bride is willing to pay for his plate so it isn't like she is demanding for him to go, she offered. Also, no one knows yet if the brunch is paid by the guests yet, as the OP states," It hasn't really been made clear who would be paying" It is the OP who is wondering this, there does not seem to be set plans on who is paying. Brunch in my family is sort of a big deal after a wedding because sometimes when there is a honeymoon the bride is not able to say goodbye to the family privately because of the reception so brunch is an intimate way to say bon voyage for the honeymoon. Maybe the OP feels that this is a good way for the boyfriend to know the family better, again, who knows?

No one said this wedding was supposed to be the "wedding of the century" sometimes a bridal couple will have a intimate breakfast with family so they can thank them for the wedding and talk about things.

No one said this wedding is a weekend thing, it apparently is just the wedding day and the breakfast after.

If the boyfriend feels that OP is stressed out, why add more stress? It seems that he may feel that this brunch is an unneeded expense, but this is not his family, it is her family and their reasons are their own. They don't seem to be demanding attendance, if there has to be a price per plate, there is the option of not going.

 

[aprilgail2]

II wish people would get it through their heads that a wedding is important to the bride and groom, and a handful of others. To everybody else it is just another day with something else you have to do that comes with a big price tag. .

 

[dimimi]

Since this is the posters sister...I think she qualifies under the Handful of others. I don't think the BF should pay for the dinner, but if it is important to the poster, he should be attending. I guess I also wonder how old the OP is, how long she has been dating, and if the family gets along.

If he is a long standing BF, this shouldn't even be an issue, he should be going. When someone in your immediate family gets married...you go with it and enjoy. $40 isn't going to matter in the long run, but family relationships will.

 

[Mom2Nick]

OP - If your boyfriend is attending because he is your guest, and he is resistant to paying for himself - why on earth are you not paying for him? Why would you have your sister pay for him to attend the brunch?

 

[taximomfor4]

OP. looks like there are lots of questions for you to answer... Your ages (roughly), your dating status (how long/serious is this relationship), whether you specifically told bf that this it'ss actually important to you that he attend the intimate gathering for immediate family, and why you aren't paying his way to the reception and brunch since you're the invitee and he's your guest?

 

[Disney Doll]

I think the distinction here is that we are married, the OP is not. We all do things for our family in the name of harmony that we don't necessarily want to do, or enjoy doing. Every year I attend a barbecue party for my husband's work that I despise and dread going to. He has a great time and the kids love going so I shut my trap and put on a happy face, so I guess we don't view relationships so different after all.

I have no time or patience for the wedding extravaganzas that appear to be the norm. Every wedding is now supposed to be the "wedding of the century". I wish people would get it through their heads that a wedding is important to the bride and groom, and a handful of others. To everybody else it is just another day with something else you have to do that comes with a big price tag. Expecting people to make themselves available for a "wedding weekend" full of must attend events is selfish, self absorbed, and ridiculous. I wish people would put as much effort into their marriages as they do planning the festivities.

We have no idea what the history is with the OP, the boyfriend, her sister, or the wedding. He may be sick to death of hearing anything more about the wedding, he may be tired of watching OP being pulled in a hundred different directions with demands from the bride or their parents. We have no idea. I just thinking hanging the guy out to dry because he thinks Day 3 of a celebration for a wedding is more than he wants to commit either the time or the money for is silly.

I did the same thing for my husband prior to being married, as he did for me.

 

[taximomfor4]

I did the same thing for my husband prior to being married, as he did for me.

It's important in a relationship to BOTH see EACH OTHERS' sides... I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where we both had to do every single thing WITH the other. Being an individual is an important part, too. So is communication. So far, we have no idea if OP and boyfriend met at a bar 3 weeks ago, and decided 4 days ago to date exclusively...Suddenly doing EVERYTHING with the new GF's family would be a big leap. Also, we still don't know if OP assumed BF she really, really WANTED him to attend the intimate, immediate family brunch or if she TOLD him it's THAT important to her.