Sister's Wedding brunch

[DisneyJules]

So I'm having a bit of a problem that I don't know how to handle and I'm looking for some advice from the people of the DIS. My sister is getting married in a couple months. My sister and her then husband will be staying at a very nice hotel on their wedding night and then immediate family will be going to brunch the next morning at the hotel. It's a pretty upscale hotel and the brunch is $40.00 per person. Expensive, I know. But I feel that it's a very special occasion, we wouldn't on any other circumstance be going to such an expensive brunch. I had casually brought this up with my DBF the other night and he seemed miffed that they were having a brunch at such an expensive place. It hasn't really been made clear who would be paying, I assumed we would be paying our own but because it's such a special occasion, my parents might pick up the tab, but I don't want to rely on that. The thing is, my DBF said that I could just go by myself then and that that should be okay. But I really want him to be there with me and I've told him this, he still finds it too expensive. Oy! I know he can financially afford it but it's more the principal. So I discussed this with my sister who said they would then pay for his brunch but now I feel like my DBF is looking cheap and I feel bad that my sister is paying for it. Oy! I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening, I just needed to hash this out with people who are not involved in the situation.

 

[wvjules]

I think your DBF should go with you. You are right, he does appear to be cheap and that is probably what your DSis is thinking as well. Hopefully someone will pick up the tab for the brunch but if not, YOU should be the one paying for him, not your sister unless she is REQUIRING him to come. That is tacky. (Bride paying for Sis's BF's brunch.)

 

[C.Ann]

For an "upscale hotel", I don't think $40 per person for a brunch is terribly expensive..

If you both have good appetites (wouldn't be logical for me because I eat so little), I think you should both go and have a good time.. Maybe you could point out to him "other" things he would be willing to spend $40 on that are no more special than the brunch..

Good luck!

 

[RNMOM]

Frankly, I would go without him. He is a boyfriend from your description not a fiancee or spouse. No matter who pays he will be unhappy being there and probably make you miserable in the process. Perhaps these things are ways of showing wether or not you belong together?

 

[SpecialK]

I think your DBF should go with you. You are right, he does appear to be cheap and that is probably what your DSis is thinking as well. Hopefully someone will pick up the tab for the brunch but if not, YOU should be the one paying for him, not your sister unless she is REQUIRING him to come. That is tacky. (Bride paying for Sis's BF's brunch.)

Agree, but I'd leave him home and enjoy the time with my family.

What do you mean when you say "my DBF said that I could just go by myself then and that that should be okay"? Is this not your decision? Something in that line really got under my skin.

Consider this: Your boyfriend is not willing to spend $40 on something that is important to you. He is willing to let your family pay his way when he is fully capable. I know this is not what you asked for, but that speaks to his character and what you have to look forward to if you're planning a future with him. just my two cents. Feel free to ignore.

 

[DisneyJules]

What I was trying to say is that he supports my decision to go alone if that's what I want, but that is not what I want. I would really like him to go with me. I think what it comes down to is that he feels his family wouldn't expect people to go to such an expensive brunch after a large celebration. I know when his sister got married, they all got together at his parent's house. His parent's don't have a ton of money and so I think that's why he feels this is too much.

 

[AprilShowers]

Well, it's water under the bridge now, but you probably shouldn't have told sis that he didn't want to come. Now she feels obligated to pay because she feels bad about the money part.

What I've learned as I've gotten older is to handle things between DH and I. If I couldn't have convinced him to come and spend the $$ then I would just go by myself and tell everyone that he had another committment.

BUT, if it's important to you then BF should suck it up and go. People spend $$ on things waaaaaay less important than your sister's wedding brunch. I agree with another poster. If he simply refuses to go even though it's important to you, it may be a sign of things to come.

Good luck, and have fun at Dsis' wedding! Hopefully BF will come around and everything will be great!!

 

[Handbag Lady]

Agree, but I'd leave him home and enjoy the time with my family.

What do you mean when you say "my DBF said that I could just go by myself then and that that should be okay"? Is this not your decision? Something in that line really got under my skin.

Consider this: Your boyfriend is not willing to spend $40 on something that is important to you. He is willing to let your family pay his way when he is fully capable. I know this is not what you asked for, but that speaks to his character and what you have to look forward to if you're planning a future with him. just my two cents. Feel free to ignore.

I was going to say the same thing but you said it better!

 

[SpecialK]

What I was trying to say is that he supports my decision to go alone if that's what I want, but that is not what I want. I would really like him to go with me. I think what it comes down to is that he feels his family wouldn't expect people to go to such an expensive brunch after a large celebration. I know when his sister got married, they all got together at his parent's house. His parent's don't have a ton of money and so I think that's why he feels this is too much.

Got it. Bottom line is - this isn't his family or his wedding, so he should keep his opinions to himself. Doesn't matter what his family would do. Seems that you can either go alone or pay his way.

 

[RadioNate]

I'm in the leave the boyfriend at home camp. He isn't a spouse or a fiance and from this small snippet I'm not sure I'd want him to be. I mean really $40? Yes that is expensive for one meal but really in the whole scheme of things it is a drop in the bucket to do something that is important to you and your family.

The bottom line is he doesn't want to go and shouldn't have to. In fact you shouldn't want to go with someone who doesn't want to be there. Go alone and enjoy yourself.

Advice I wish I had taken when I was young, dumb and in love.

What I was trying to say is that he supports my decision to go alone if that's what I want, but that is not what I want. I would really like him to go with me. I think what it comes down to is that he feels his family wouldn't expect people to go to such an expensive brunch after a large celebration. I know when his sister got married, they all got together at his parent's house. His parent's don't have a ton of money and so I think that's why he feels this is too much.

But really is it his place to decide whether or not it is 'appropriate?' Not going on the principle of it? I guess I"m far to old for those games.

As your guest why don't you pay for him?

But really, it is 2 hours of your time. You can do without him and save the grief you'll get when it isn't "worth" the $40.

 

[horseshowmom]

Agree, but I'd leave him home and enjoy the time with my family.

Consider this: Your boyfriend is not willing to spend $40 on something that is important to you. He is willing to let your family pay his way when he is fully capable. I know this is not what you asked for, but that speaks to his character and what you have to look forward to if you're planning a future with him. just my two cents. Feel free to ignore.

I have to agree.

Yes, $40 is pretty expensive for a meal, but I'm sure it will be a very nice brunch (I've been to a few brunches in settings such as you're describing, and they have always been very nice).

The point (to me) is that this is an important occasion for you and your family. You've said that the money isn't the issue. If he can afford it, he should be ashamed of turning this into a big deal (and even going along with your sister paying for him). Yes, he looks cheap, and, yes, the rest of the family thinks that (I can guarantee it).

I would have some serious qualms about this behavior.

 

[Scurvy]

If this is something you are officially invited to as part of the wedding festivities, then the host (your sister or parents or whoever) really should be paying. If it's just one of those things that everyone has decided together, then that's different. Either way, I don't think you and your boyfriend necessarily have to go together. Unless you're engaged you aren't really an inseparable social unit for things like this, and there's nothing wrong with him sitting this part out.

It probably would have been better not to mention the cost thing to your sister, but what's done is done. Regardless, if she officially invited the two of you to the brunch then she should be paying, so don't feel bad about that part.

 

[mickeyboat]

I think your boyfriend is being a jerk.

Who cares that the brunch is expensive? Who cares that his family would choose to do something else? If he is so selfish that he would let $40 that he can afford keep him from doing something very important to you and your family, I am not sure he is someone I would want to spend my time with.

Under no circumstances would I allow my sister to pay for him. It would be one thing if he really could not afford to go, but he is pouting and taking a stand because he doesn't like the arrangements. He needs to suck it up.

We all do things we don't like and don't agree with just because it is important to someone else. We do it because we care about someone else and want to make them happy.

I wonder if this is a hill he is really ready to die on.

Denae

 

[KSchwagg86]

I wouldn't be surprised if your parents or something else picked up the tab...it seems weird to be invited to a brunch that you then have to pay for...so bring the boyfriend!

 

[Handbag Lady]

Leave the boyfriend at home and bring a real man as your date!

(See what being older and having dated a cheapskate loser in your youth will do to you!)

I am kidding. Well, mostly.


My boyfriend at the time of my sister's wedding overhead all of the plans about the reception and the wedding and the everything. Didn't say a word and even gave some ideas when asked. Imagine my shock when after the wedding, he asked me to drive him home. We had dated for three years, he KNEW the reception was requiring his presence, he got an invite! I was all, WTH?? He said he didn't "know" he was supposed to go to the reception and and made other plans. I about killed him as I then had to drive way out of my way, I had no date for the reception, and I was late to the reception due to having to take him home. Loooo-ser!

 

[onelilspark]

This is my 2 cents:
You have two options... 1) Go without him. 2) If you want him there, you pay, not your sister.

 

[SharpMomOfTwo]

I haven't read all the posts, but to me, it sounds like either

#1 - Hes just a jerk. And if your dating him (I don't know how long you've been together), hopefully thats not the answer!

#2 - Theres something deeper going on here. You said in another post that his family doesn't have the money that yours does - maybe thats affecting him somehow. Maybe he wants you two to get married, and hes scared that your wedding wont be as "nice" I don't know, I'm just pulling at strings here since I don't know any of you! Truthfully, I think the whole situation (that hes made) is really lame, and there HAS to be a reason for it. Good luck!

 

[bumbershoot]

Although $40 for a disney character meal would be too much for me, $40 for a brunch at a fancy restaurant as a continuation of a wedding celebration would be fine.

If the boyfriend is new, I give him a pass on this.

If the boyfriend is not new, I don't. Having had a couple "boyfriends" pull that kind of nonsense on me, and seeing where the "relationships" did not go, I'd say leave him at home and have a great time without him.

Wedding traditions are different from family to family, what seems normal to one is not to another, and he should know this and stop comparing his sister's wedding to your sister's.

I've also found that weddings are far more fun withOUT a sig other there, especially if it's someone that isn't totally enthused about it to begin with.


And all this is coming from a person who refused to spend about the same per person for a 10th reunion (boyfriend at the time and I ate at Applebees and went to the reunion after the dinner), and then left hubby and son in the hotel room while I went to the $100/person 20th reunion...I have issues with too much money coming out of my pockets, but if a boyfriend was pulling this I'd be really wary.

 

[Camicar]

What I was trying to say is that he supports my decision to go alone if that's what I want, but that is not what I want. I would really like him to go with me. I think what it comes down to is that he feels his family wouldn't expect people to go to such an expensive brunch after a large celebration. I know when his sister got married, they all got together at his parent's house. His parent's don't have a ton of money and so I think that's why he feels this is too much.

Sorry, I'm seeing a little bit of red in this flag.

So his family's way is the ONLY way, the BEST way? And if your family does not do exactly as his family does, he'll pout and stay home?

This is a relationship test -- assuming you are looking for a LTR. All relationships require learning how to meld different backgrounds and ways of doing things. Is your BF willing to compromise or is his family's way always the only way and you either bend to that, get your family to pay, or deal with him being absent from an important event?

 

[Disney Doll]

Agree, but I'd leave him home and enjoy the time with my family.

What do you mean when you say "my DBF said that I could just go by myself then and that that should be okay"? Is this not your decision? Something in that line really got under my skin.

Consider this: Your boyfriend is not willing to spend $40 on something that is important to you. He is willing to let your family pay his way when he is fully capable. I know this is not what you asked for, but that speaks to his character and what you have to look forward to if you're planning a future with him. just my two cents. Feel free to ignore.

I agree with this.