Sister's Wedding brunch

[suzannen]

So I'm having a bit of a problem that I don't know how to handle and I'm looking for some advice from the people of the DIS. My sister is getting married in a couple months. My sister and her then husband will be staying at a very nice hotel on their wedding night and then immediate family will be going to brunch the next morning at the hotel. It's a pretty upscale hotel and the brunch is $40.00 per person. Expensive, I know. But I feel that it's a very special occasion, we wouldn't on any other circumstance be going to such an expensive brunch. I had casually brought this up with my DBF the other night and he seemed miffed that they were having a brunch at such an expensive place. It hasn't really been made clear who would be paying, I assumed we would be paying our own but because it's such a special occasion, my parents might pick up the tab, but I don't want to rely on that. The thing is, my DBF said that I could just go by myself then and that that should be okay. But I really want him to be there with me and I've told him this, he still finds it too expensive. Oy! I know he can financially afford it but it's more the principal. So I discussed this with my sister who said they would then pay for his brunch but now I feel like my DBF is looking cheap and I feel bad that my sister is paying for it. Oy! I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening, I just needed to hash this out with people who are not involved in the situation.

I bolded the above because I just can't get past the fact that he can't save $40 over a couple of months for something that is important to you? If that's true, then you definitely don't want to stay with him - red flags all over this one!

 

[Disney Doll]

I think your boyfriend is being a jerk.

Who cares that the brunch is expensive? Who cares that his family would choose to do something else? If he is so selfish that he would let $40 that he can afford keep him from doing something very important to you and your family, I am not sure he is someone I would want to spend my time with.

Under no circumstances would I allow my sister to pay for him. It would be one thing if he really could not afford to go, but he is pouting and taking a stand because he doesn't like the arrangements. He needs to suck it up.

We all do things we don't like and don't agree with just because it is important to someone else. We do it because we care about someone else and want to make them happy.

I wonder if this is a hill he is really ready to die on.

Denae

Actually, if he were my boyfriend, this would have been the hill he died on, because this behavior would have caused me to seriously rethink having him as a boyfriend.

I spent a full year with a guy who, while nice enough in general, would do crap like this...not "want to" go to something I wanted to do with my friends, not "want to" spend a lot of time with my family. Everything was pretty much the way he wanted it...the relationship really marched to the drumbeat he thought it should march to. But I too, was "in love" and thought this was how it was supposed to be. Then we broke up.

Then I was single for a year and had a lot of time to think. And came to the conclusion that a relationship was a 2-way street, with each person "getting their way" occasionally, especially if it was something important to that person.

Then I met DH, and learned that when someone cares about you, they will do things they don't necessarily want to do because you want to do them.

Pay close attention to your boyfriend OP. He's sending you a message.

As far as the brunch, I'd leave him home before I or any member of my family would pay for my cheapskate boyfriend. Or I'd be bringing my NEW boyfriend to the brunch...the one who really does want to do things that make me happy.

 

[Darcy03231]

Agree, but I'd leave him home and enjoy the time with my family.

What do you mean when you say "my DBF said that I could just go by myself then and that that should be okay"? Is this not your decision? Something in that line really got under my skin.

Consider this: Your boyfriend is not willing to spend $40 on something that is important to you. He is willing to let your family pay his way when he is fully capable. I know this is not what you asked for, but that speaks to his character and what you have to look forward to if you're planning a future with him. just my two cents. Feel free to ignore.

Well said. I agree

 

[Allison]

Simple-you pay for him.

 

[clutter]

This is my 2 cents:
You have two options... 1) Go without him. 2) If you want him there, you pay, not your sister.

Agreed. Either leave him at home or you pay to take him. No way that your sister should.

 

[N&B'smom]

I about killed him as I then had to drive way out of my way, I had no date for the reception, and I was late to the reception due to having to take him home. Loooo-ser!

I would have called him a cab!

 

[DVC_Princess]

If this is something you are officially invited to as part of the wedding festivities, then the host (your sister or parents or whoever) really should be paying.

I agree with this as well. I'm surprised that there would be a post-wedding brunch and the host would not be paying. In my experience, whenever there are seperate events (rehearsal dinner, breakfast, weekend activites) as part of the wedding (i.e., you're only going because the host had a wedding the day before and invited the guests), then the host would pick up the tab.

If that's the case, would DBF feel differently? Either way, I'd say go with your gut and only take him if you think he wouldn't cause you to have a bad time by being grumpy.

 

[FayeW]

I have to say that I'm with the boyfriend on this one. The WEDDING is the celebration. That is the special event, the thing that should be important to everyone. Breakfast with the happy couple the next day...not so much.

Let's look at it from another perspective: I am assuming there has already been, or soon will be, at least one shower that the OP has had to attend, buy a gift for, or perhaps even host. Then on the weekend of the shindig, there will be a rehearsal dinner that boyfriend may be attending with the OP, then the actual ceremony, and the reception. Let's not forget the extra $$$pecial gift the OP may have purchased for her sister as well. If the OP is in the wedding party, there may be a expenses for dress, hair, makeup, jewelery, etc. Now we are on DAY THREE of this affair, and there is ANOTHER event, with still another cost? He's probably thinking "when will this end????"

Even if he isn't incuring alot of cost for these events, I suspect that his problem is that he perceives his girlfriend is being taken advantageo of by the bride, in the sense that he sees her having to show up and open her wallet at yet another event, and he just thinks that turning this into a three day extravaganza is over the top, and maybe just a little "bridezilla". Sounds like his sister's recent wedding was a little more low key, and he thinks the demands of this wedding (time and money) are excessive.

Of course, I could have this all wrong and be completely full of crap. But I would be miffed at having to dance attendance for 2- 3 straight days as well.

 

[Minnesota!]

This is my 2 cents:
You have two options... 1) Go without him. 2) If you want him there, you pay, not your sister.

My advice - ditch him completely. You need someone that supports you 24/7..not just when things go his way.

 

[Octoberbride03]

I would have called him a cab!

I wouldn't even have done THAT!

I MIGHT have given him bus fare. Sure as heck wouldn't have driven him home. I'd have stranded the sucker.

OP. Its a good thing you have a couple of months till this wedding. My advice to you is to examine this relationship with a fine tooth comb. This is a big deal. If it were just "Oh lets all go to the fancy brunch" your BF would have a point. Since it is not. He really should man up and go.

 

[Disney Doll]

I have to say that I'm with the boyfriend on this one. The WEDDING is the celebration. That is the special event, the thing that should be important to everyone. Breakfast with the happy couple the next day...not so much.

Let's look at it from another perspective: I am assuming there has already been, or soon will be, at least one shower that the OP has had to attend, buy a gift for, or perhaps even host. Then on the weekend of the shindig, there will be a rehearsal dinner that boyfriend may be attending with the OP, then the actual ceremony, and the reception. Let's not forget the extra $$$pecial gift the OP may have purchased for her sister as well. If the OP is in the wedding party, there may be a expenses for dress, hair, makeup, jewelery, etc. Now we are on DAY THREE of this affair, and there is ANOTHER event, with still another cost? He's probably thinking "when will this end????"

Even if he isn't incuring alot of cost for these events, I suspect that his problem is that he perceives his girlfriend is being taken advantageo of by the bride, in the sense that he sees her having to show up and open her wallet at yet another event, and he just thinks that turning this into a three day extravaganza is over the top, and maybe just a little "bridezilla". Sounds like his sister's recent wedding was a little more low key, and he thinks the demands of this wedding (time and money) are excessive.

Of course, I could have this all wrong and be completely full of crap. But I would be miffed at having to dance attendance for 2- 3 straight days as well.

You may be absoultely right that the OP's sister is a bridezilla and all the attendant hoopla that goes along with one having to deal with a bridezilla.

But the fact remains that the OP wants to go to the brunch. She wants her boyfriend to go with her to the brunch. He can afford to go to the brunch. To not go to the brunch on "prinicipal"...that being because he thinks its too excessive...speaks partly to how he views the relationship, IMHO. This isn't a random party where he maybe doesn't feel like schlepping out and the OP could make an excuse of "he didn't feel well" or "he got stuck working late" or any one of the other random excuses we makes for those annoying social events we don't want to attend. It's her sister's wedding... a big family event.

 

[Scurvy]

But the fact remains that the OP wants to go to the brunch. She wants her boyfriend to go with her to the brunch. He can afford to go to the brunch. To not go to the brunch on "prinicipal"...that being because he thinks its too excessive...speaks partly to how he views the relationship, IMHO. This isn't a random party where he maybe doesn't feel like schlepping out and the OP could make an excuse of "he didn't feel well" or "he got stuck working late" or any one of the other random excuses we makes for those annoying social events we don't want to attend. It's her sister's wedding... a big family event.

But the brunch isn't the wedding. It's just a brunch. While I agree that the boyfriend ought to go if it's really important to the OP that he be there, he shouldn't have to pay for it. Whoever is inviting him should be paying. This isn't his family, at least not yet, and it isn't that crucial for him to be at a brunch with the OP's family. If it's important to the Bride that the OP's boyfriend be there (and if she invited him to the brunch) then she should be paying. If it's important to the OP that he be there (and she invited him) then she should pay.

I'm really surprised by the number of posters who are essentially saying that the OP should end her relationship over this. If he's usually "cheap" and doesn't want to do things that are important to the OP then yes, she should reevaluate the relationship. If he's usually more open to doing things that are important to her and is just balking over being expected to pay for his own meal at an event to which he was invited then I don't see the problem with that.

What if the OP's boyfriend had a brother who was getting married next weekend? As part of the weekend, many of the wedding guests are going to see the Groom's favorite baseball team. The boyfriend wants the OP to go with him to the game but expects her to pay the $50 for her ticket. The OP doesn't particularly like baseball and though she has the $50 she'd rather use it for something else, so she suggests that her boyfriend go without her and enjoy the time with his brother while she does something else. Would everyone in this thread be suggesting that her boyfriend dump her over that?

Of course I admit that I'm still hung up on the fact that someone - either the OP or the Bride - invited the boyfriend to this brunch but expects him to pay his own way, which is not how you are supposed to do these things. Maybe the boyfriend knows that and doesn't want to come right out and say it's tacky but is irritated by it. I certainly would be.

 

[Octoberbride03]

I have to say that I'm with the boyfriend on this one. The WEDDING is the celebration. That is the special event, the thing that should be important to everyone. Breakfast with the happy couple the next day...not so much.

Let's look at it from another perspective: I am assuming there has already been, or soon will be, at least one shower that the OP has had to attend, buy a gift for, or perhaps even host. Then on the weekend of the shindig, there will be a rehearsal dinner that boyfriend may be attending with the OP, then the actual ceremony, and the reception. Let's not forget the extra $$$pecial gift the OP may have purchased for her sister as well. If the OP is in the wedding party, there may be a expenses for dress, hair, makeup, jewelery, etc. Now we are on DAY THREE of this affair, and there is ANOTHER event, with still another cost? He's probably thinking "when will this end????"

Even if he isn't incuring alot of cost for these events, I suspect that his problem is that he perceives his girlfriend is being taken advantageo of by the bride, in the sense that he sees her having to show up and open her wallet at yet another event, and he just thinks that turning this into a three day extravaganza is over the top, and maybe just a little "bridezilla". Sounds like his sister's recent wedding was a little more low key, and he thinks the demands of this wedding (time and money) are excessive.

Of course, I could have this all wrong and be completely full of crap. But I would be miffed at having to dance attendance for 2- 3 straight days as well.

Oh you really need to pick up some bridal magazines. This day after brunch is a trend that was just getting started when I got married 5 and a half yrs ago. I can imagine its only grown since. And for those who do it it is frequently considered an extension of the wedding reception. Some couples even invite everybody who's coming to the reception. IMO since the Bride and Groom are attending the brunch the celebration continues until they have left for their honeymoon.

As for the shower, seeing as how it is still overwhelmingly a women event, I can't imagine him incurring any costs or needing to attend. If he can't spend 2 days in a row with his GF's family than they have issues they need to work out.

 

[TinklednPants]

Maybe it's regional but $40 for a decent meal wouldn't faze me

 

[okeydokey]

If you are being invited to a wedding brunch, then I would expect the host of the brunch to be paying for everybody. If not, then if you are inviting him to go with you , maybe you should pay for him.

 

[wendy46001]

I'm going with the there are bigger issues here

I'd be looking at it from the point of...is this someone you'd consider marring one day???
if so...this will be his family as well... if he wants to be apart of the family, he should play nice and go…

but it sounds like he’s willing to burn a bridge over 40 dollars
(thats the going rate form brunch around here)...

 

[onelilspark]

But the brunch isn't the wedding. It's just a brunch. While I agree that the boyfriend ought to go if it's really important to the OP that he be there, he shouldn't have to pay for it. Whoever is inviting him should be paying. This isn't his family, at least not yet, and it isn't that crucial for him to be at a brunch with the OP's family. If it's important to the Bride that the OP's boyfriend be there (and if she invited him to the brunch) then she should be paying. If it's important to the OP that he be there (and she invited him) then she should pay.

I'm really surprised by the number of posters who are essentially saying that the OP should end her relationship over this. If he's usually "cheap" and doesn't want to do things that are important to the OP then yes, she should reevaluate the relationship. If he's usually more open to doing things that are important to her and is just balking over being expected to pay for his own meal at an event to which he was invited then I don't see the problem with that.

What if the OP's boyfriend had a brother who was getting married next weekend? As part of the weekend, many of the wedding guests are going to see the Groom's favorite baseball team. The boyfriend wants the OP to go with him to the game but expects her to pay the $50 for her ticket. The OP doesn't particularly like baseball and though she has the $50 she'd rather use it for something else, so she suggests that her boyfriend go without her and enjoy the time with his brother while she does something else. Would everyone in this thread be suggesting that her boyfriend dump her over that?

Of course I admit that I'm still hung up on the fact that someone - either the OP or the Bride - invited the boyfriend to this brunch but expects him to pay his own way, which is not how you are supposed to do these things. Maybe the boyfriend knows that and doesn't want to come right out and say it's tacky but is irritated by it. I certainly would be.

It could also be a family that doesn't see each other often. If anyone in my extended family were to get married and have brunch the next day, absolutely I would be there, I don't get to see so many of them! And I would expect my boyfriend to come with me, if he threw a tantrum about the cost, I would then have two choices (which I've already stated) either leave him in the hotel or pay for him myself, if it's that important to me to be there. We actually don't know that someone isn't going to pick up the tab for the brunch, neither does the OP... But the OP & her bf are prepared for the "what-if" scenario of having to do so, which is smart. The boyfriend has a problem with it, I'm with the others that if this is important to her, then the bf needs to get over it. I'm not in her shoes, so I'm not going to give relationship advice (she actually didn't ask for relationship advice, just advice on what to do in this situation...) All I know, that if it were me, I can understand wanting to go to the brunch, cost to me or not.

 

[Disney Doll]

But the brunch isn't the wedding. It's just a brunch. While I agree that the boyfriend ought to go if it's really important to the OP that he be there, he shouldn't have to pay for it. Whoever is inviting him should be paying. This isn't his family, at least not yet, and it isn't that crucial for him to be at a brunch with the OP's family. If it's important to the Bride that the OP's boyfriend be there (and if she invited him to the brunch) then she should be paying. If it's important to the OP that he be there (and she invited him) then she should pay. I agree in prinicipal, although it still makes him look like a cheapskate to not want to pony up $40 bucks to do something that makes hi girlfriend happy, when he can afford to. Sorry...my opinion....

I'm really surprised by the number of posters who are essentially saying that the OP should end her relationship over this. If he's usually "cheap" and doesn't want to do things that are important to the OP then yes, she should reevaluate the relationship. If he's usually more open to doing things that are important to her and is just balking over being expected to pay for his own meal at an event to which he was invited then I don't see the problem with that.

What if the OP's boyfriend had a brother who was getting married next weekend? As part of the weekend, many of the wedding guests are going to see the Groom's favorite baseball team. The boyfriend wants the OP to go with him to the game but expects her to pay the $50 for her ticket. The OP doesn't particularly like baseball and though she has the $50 she'd rather use it for something else, so she suggests that her boyfriend go without her and enjoy the time with his brother while she does something else. Would everyone in this thread be suggesting that her boyfriend dump her over that?
Truthfully, if it meant that much to the BF to have the GF go to the baseball game, I'd give her the same advice...suck it up and go. And frankly, I wouldn't blame the BF if he rethought the relationship if she chose not to go to something that was really important to him that she go to. Itisn't about the event...it's about the sacrifice.

Of course I admit that I'm still hung up on the fact that someone - either the OP or the Bride - invited the boyfriend to this brunch but expects him to pay his own way, which is not how you are supposed to do these things. Maybe the boyfriend knows that and doesn't want to come right out and say it's tacky but is irritated by it. I certainly would be. Well, I guess it depends on how the invitation was presented. If the bride said "I am having a brunch the next day and your cost will be $40" then yes...tacky. If the bride said "A group of people are getting together for brunch the next before everyone gets on the road and you're welcome to come and the cost is $40" then not so tacky.

We all base our responses on personal experience. I am thankful that DH and I have the type of relationship where we are honest about what really matters to us. We have been invited to some social events where one or the other of us have said "If you don't want to go to this, it's fine, but I think I'd still like to go" or "I know you aren't too thrilled about doing this but it would mean a lot to me if you come". I have gone to some social events with/for him where I would have rather had burning bamboo shoots stuck under my nails, and he has done the same for me. For us, it's just one of those sacrifices you make sometimes for someone you care about.

 

[taximomfor4]

I sort of agree with the pp who said maybe the bf just thinks that 3rd day of celebration is just too much.

BTW, I am apparently quite different from many here. DH and I attend the major events together (the wedding/reception). Anything else, we always INVITE each other but attending alone is always fine by us. I didn't go to his class reunion, he didn't go to mine. Sometimes I attend his work's retirement dinners, sometimes I don't. I must admit, we do weigh the cost into the decision. Would I like to go to the retirement dinner this year? Yeah. Is this year's retiree someone I want to celebrate with so much that it's worth the extra $60? No. SO DH will attend without me, and have fun with his co-workers.

I guess I'm saying, it's JUST a brunch. An added, nice touch to the wedding weekend...but not a big deal for just OP to go. She doesn't need a "date" for the brunch.

 

[mickeyboat]

I sort of agree with the pp who said maybe the bf just thinks that 3rd day of celebration is just too much.

BTW, I am apparently quite different from many here. DH and I attend the major events together (the wedding/reception). Anything else, we always INVITE each other but attending alone is always fine by us. I didn't go to his class reunion, he didn't go to mine. Sometimes I attend his work's retirement dinners, sometimes I don't. I must admit, we do weigh the cost into the decision. Would I like to go to the retirement dinner this year? Yeah. Is this year's retiree someone I want to celebrate with so much that it's worth the extra $60? No. SO DH will attend without me, and have fun with his co-workers.

I guess I'm saying, it's JUST a brunch. An added, nice touch to the wedding weekend...but not a big deal for just OP to go. She doesn't need a "date" for the brunch.

DH and I have agreed to the same resolution for events in our lives, too. However, in this situation, the OP really wants her BF to go. It is a big deal to her and it is completely reasonable for her to ask him to be there. It shouldn't matter if the BF thinks it is stupid if this is something really important to the OP. We make these kinds of sacrifices for people we care about.

I am having a medical test on Monday. I am sure I will be fine and I could find someone else to drive me home. The person who comes will probably spend a lot of boring time in the waiting room. But I want DH to take me and it is important for me that he be there. He will have to take time off from work, and he is self-employed which means he won't get paid, but he is doing it because I really want him to do it.