since when did parties become weapons for kids to hurt each other?

[Briar Rose 7457]

so my younger dd had a wonderful birthday party thursday night, everyone was talking about what a great time they had.

so now I find out that the party had some bad repercussions for my dd.
(what is it with 5th graders these days?)

two problems. the first involves a girl my dd hasn't gotten along with over the last few months. let's call the girl Molly -- that's the role she played in the school production of "Annie". she and my dd have been having an ongoing argument at lucnh for the last three months. my dd has been a student at the school since she was in kindergarten, and has been sitting in the same seat at the same lunch table for as long as she can remember. Molly is the new kid, having moved here in 4th grade. a few months ago Molly decided that she wanted to sit in that seat in place of my dd. dd got very territorial and made an issue out of the other girl taking her seat.


Molly is having a graduation party today. although the school rules say you're not allowed to hand out party invitations at school, Molly came to school one day with all fo her party invitations. she made apoint of rubbing my dd's nose in the fact that she was inviting all of their mutual friends but wasn't inviting dd to the party. dd had been considering inviting Molly to her birthday party, but when she didn't get invited to Molly's party she decided not to invite Molly to her birthday party either.

apparently Molly cared more about my dd's birthday party than my dd cared about Molly's party, because Molly became very confrontational at lunch on thursday. the lunch aide was so upset she spoke to the teacher, and the teacher decided that neither girl could sit in that seat for the rest of the school year (four more lunch periods, actually.)

the other problem was Amber. Amber's birthday is in september. dd and Amber have been friends since kindergarten, but for some reason Amber didn't invite dd to the birthday party. the two were not on speaking terms for months, then Amber begged dd "can we be friends again?" and dd said yes. dd invited Amber to her party and Amber had a great time. Amber is having a graduation party, and gave out the invitations on monday -- and made all the mutual friends swear they wouldn't tell my dd that there was a party. dd found out about it anyhow, and decided she is going to give Amber a guilt trip until Amber invites her.


seems like nothing is ever easy and uncomplicated around here.

 

[CathyCanada]

I'm confused, there is a graduation party for 5th graders?

That's just kids. I remember Meg in that grade and I swear that was the worst year for that kind of mean and nasty behaviour. Hopefully those girls will grow out of it, sorry your dd was hurt.
CC

 

[nativetxn]

I feel bad that your daughter got her feelings hurt. Kids can just be mean

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

5th grade is elementary school graduation. then there's an 8th grade graduation at the end of middle school and then THE graduation and the end of high school. dd's going to half a dozen parties between now and graduation day.

some of these girls are witches in training, i think.

 

[floridaminnie]

That is a bad grade, along with 6th grade, for girls. Some girls can just be down right nasty. Just guide your DD to keep her head above it and she'll come out smelling like roses in the end.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

I am sorry that your daughter had her feelings hurt.. girls can be difficult.. even with their own family...

 

[CathyCanada]

Ahhh, I see. We have the graduation in sixth grade here, then again in eighth. I read a really good story yesterday about this very topic and if I find it I will type it out..
CC

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

I'd like to see that, Cathy, if you can find it.

 

[DonnaS]

You can certainly see where they came up with the rule about not handing out invitation at school. Unfortunately, it doesn't completely solve the problem, does it?

It does seem like a good time to reinforce lessons about the feelings of others though-- although it probably takes a lot of reinforcement at that age. LOL

BTW Cathy, our elementary school went to 6th grade as well. Some middle schools are 6th, 7th, 8th and some are 7th, 8th, and I've even heard of some that are 7th, 8th, 9th.

 

[grinningghost]

I completely understand. My DD's birthday party was last night and of course, there was a problem. And these were 14 year olds. I have to admit, I don't see as much of that girl fighting as I did when they were your DD's age, but apparently it can still rear it's ugly head.

Her party went along great up until the last half hour, and then somebody said something to somebody that led to everyone taking sides and then the tears and the silent treatment and you know the rest.

I swear, this better not happen in high school too. I think I'm burned out already.

 

[CathyCanada]

Robin,
I just remembered where I read it! In an edition of Meg's school paper. It was written by a student who had been on both sides of the fence. I thought it had a great message for kids from one just a bit older.

Maybe the teachers need to talk a bit about "bullying" because that is really what it is. I know that has been a focus here in our school board for the past 2 years.

I'll type it out here for you, it's long tho, warning!
CC

 

[CathyCanada]

STICKS AND STONES by Joanna O.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me." Sounds like a good motto, right? Words are just words and can't possibly cause any physical harm, so big deal?

Even as I write this, I know that what I just said cannot be true. You have heard it all before, from teachers, parents, and grandparents; "If you don't have something nice to say about someone than don't say anything at all"; or "What goes around, comes around." These sayings seem so trivial yet if you are anything like most teenagers they go in one ear and out the other. Is it really possible for words to do emotional harm to someone? I know that it is. One of the most valuable life experiences I was ever taught, I learned in grade six. I learned just how much other people's words and actions really influence the way you feel about yourself.

I lived a sheltered life. Things were pretty much perfect. My parents were together, and although we had our disagreements, we got along well. My grades were great; my sports were going well, and most importantly, I was part of the "popular group". There were the five of us. We hung out every day, and talked about boys, clothes, and all of the other hot topics that girls our age worry about. My biggest problem was figuring out what to wear the next day. Looking back, I realize that this group was pretty exclusive. Not that I was ever really mean to anyone, but in hindsight, I realize that our group appeared off limits. You were either one of us or you were not. Don't get me wrong, I was friends with other people outside my clique, but weekends were devoted to hanging out with the same group of girls.

Then one day, my world changed. All of a sudden, my "friends" stopped acting friendly. There were no more nightly phone calls, no more plans for the weekend, and no more talking at school.

Do you remember those snow globes that you had as a child? The ones where there is a nice little scene in the middle and when you shake it, the snow starts to fall down around the perfect little world. That is what seemed to happen to my life. Everything that I had become accustomed to was turned upside down. Having never been treated as an outsider before this, it hurt - bad. The lectures that you have heard in school never really compare to living it first hand. It all seemed to come out of no where and at first I looked at myself for the cause. Was I really such a horrible person?

Things didn't get better for a long time, and instead they got worse. I was talked about and ignored. I felt so alone, and having never been close to anyone outside of my clique, I did not know what to do; until I met my best friend. She helped me through everything, and stood up for me when I couldn't even stand up for myself. She made me take a step back and take a good look at who I was and the person that I wanted to become. She helped me to realize what I had known all along, that these were not the people that I should be associating with. I cannot express in words just how much that has done for me. I'd like to be able to say that things got better quickly, but that would be a lie. Sure, the gossip died down, and I became less an less the topic of conversation, but things never really went back to normal, and I think that most of this was because I had changed. I was not the same person they had known before.

This experience has forever changed my life. It made me look at myself, and it showed me what it was like to be picked on. I have been on both sides of the coin. I know how simple it is to treat people unfairly, and I also know how badly it feels to tbe that one person that people pick on. I know, being a teenager myself, that all of the talks you get about cliques, bullying, and teasing, seem like a big waste of time, and unless you have been there, you cannot totally understand. Words are powerful things, and while they may not have the ability to break bones, they sure do cause lasting damage, and in other cases, lasting gains.

 

[Disney Doll]

I am actually amazed that you know this much detail about this situation. My mother would have fluffed this off as pre-teen siliness and paid no attention to it!.

 

[Pin Wizard]

I'm so glad I have a boy! Okay, when does the boy stuff hit?

 

[nuke]

I remember these kind of things going on when I was in grammar school a long time ago but with two differences.

First of all our mothers didn't know what was going on and had other concerns like how to feed a family of 5 or 6 on what little money our fathers made.

Also because of lack of funds, everyone knew that birthday parties were limited to 5-6 girls and you were really only invited to the parties of your closest friends. We weren't so offended if we weren't invited because we understood that they couldn't invite the whole class.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

my daughters come to me with all their problems. they use me as a sounding board for how to deal with things.


and it's amazing what you learn when you're driving "mom's taxi". they forget you're even there, and talk freely with their friends about boys and kids at school at etc.

and yes, nuke, I happen to be fortunate enough to be able to make a large party for my dd's birthday and we live in a neighborhood where large parties are the norm. you should have seen some of the bar mitzvah parties my older dd attended this year.

 

[Talking Hands]

Unfortunately around here parties have always been a way to hurt other kids. Was when I was a kid and still is. Really sad that it is so.
As for graduation parties. We had ours in class. 3 of our deaf and hard of hearing students graduated 5th grade this year so we partied in class with them the day before. No one was left out. We've found that these kids rarely have parties at home so we try to do something specia for them at school. Too bad others don't take up the idea and celebrate as a class at school.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

there are 123 5th graders in our school. they had a huge party, courtesy of the PTA, on friday night. it was wonderful.

dd's guestimate is that 100 of the 123 attendees had sleepovers after the party. she IM'd me from her friend's house the next morning that two of her friends were upset -- they had a sleepover with each other, but felt left out because three other girls (including my dd) wound up having a sleepover together. guess you can never make ewveryone happy.

 

[nhmomx2]

Aaaa...5th Graders. I'm an IA in a 5th grade class (two actually). It's almost funny to watch at times. Girls are so fickle. They fight with each other all the time - she said this or she did this or she thinks that. They seem to hold grudges much longer than the boys. The boys get it out of their system and move on. The girls keep throwing it back in each others faces. I can remember this in high school too. I had two girls that I hung around with, but most of my friends were guys. They never talked about you behind your back, or spread rumors about you, they were just your friends! To this day I cherrish those friendships the most!!

We don't have a "graduation party" per se. The PTA is sponsoring a "Moving On" celebration. It was supposed to be last Friday but was postponed until tomorrow due to the horrible weather we've been having.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

ours was an indoor party -- they use the cafeteria and the gym -- so we didn't have any weather issues.

i'm just glad the weather cooperated for field day last week.