Spoodleink said:
I am not saying that this is your situation but in your original post you seem to be completely blaming the problems on your DD10. My brother and are fairly close in (age 20 months) and fought a lot both physically and arguing but any fight took the both of us to engage in it. I have a friend Candy that had the same gap as your kids except it was 2 girls. Her little sister would ,as someone else said instigate her , in a variety of ways and when she said something to her Mom her response was well she doesnt know better or didnt mean to or you are older and shouldnt let it bother you or just not believe her . Now the fighting was not just the little sisters fault some of the stuff Candy should have been able to let go and she did instigate in her own way mainly by closing out her sister. But her mom refused to see that it was both their faults and when her younger daughter did something she needed to deal with both of their behaviors not just the older knowing better sibling. My brother and I get along really well now and have since out later HS years. Candy and her sister fight to this day and Candy really feels like an outsider in her family. As I said in the beginning that this may not exactly be your situation but I think to deal with it you need to take a close look at both of their behavior and not just assume its only your DD being hateful. Candys little sister would always do these things out of sight and earshot of their Mom (their mom was deaf like mine so that was not hard to accomplish) or other adults.
Also jealousy probably has a part to play, I am curious if the problems started or got worse after your DD3 was born maybe she had a hard time adjusting the additional competition for your attention.
You are right that I tend to blame my oldest and side with the younger ones. Yes, my son can be a huge pest to her sister, but that has only been in the last year or so.
He used to adore her - if you gave him a cookie or something he'd insist on one for her, too.
I think that since he started school, and has been around other kids his own age, he's started to "fighting back" or instigating.
Anyway - she does start most of the fights. He'll ask her something in a completely innocent tone of voice, as simply as "what are you doing" and she'll say "none of your business, go away." in the most hateful voice.
He used to walk away and cry, but now he just says something back or calls her a name, and then boom it's "mom, he's calling me names".
I will admit I have a tendency to favor the younger ones because I am a younger sibling myself, and I am more sympathetic to that side of the equation. But - there are plenty of times when he is punished for starting the fight, or when I go out of my way to make sure he is occupied so she can have privacy for whatever reason.
The problem seems to be that it's never enough, and she's never happy.
I know it's tough when you are used to being the oldest and a sibling comes along. But she's had six years to get over it already, and she just needs to cut it out.
The last time they fought, I just flat out told her - No matter how much you dislike your brother he is in our family and nothing you do or say is ever going to change that. All it will do is make me unhappy and frustrated with you. So you have to decide whether that is a worthwhile use of your time and energy - to accomplish nothing, and make your mother angry at you.
We are supposed to start making our holiday cards and baking tonight, so we'll see how that goes.
Hope this will help the OP too.
