Should I shoot my MIL?

[KimberlyC]

My MIL is a saint compared to the ones described on this thread; sure there are the occasional minor annoyances but nothing major. She has a good heart but sometimes doesnt think. I'll count my blessings later but I want to say that I'm a firm believer in nipping this crap in the bud. My DH is the passive, shy, non-confrontational sort. I'm not. I have no problem telling anyone off and I've made it known that people (read she) shouldn't argue with me as I get paid to argue and I'm better at it. That said, here's my story about nipping it in the bud, though it involved her vacation not mine.

Here's the background for context. I was pregnant. SIL gave birth 3 months before me. She and BIL wanted to be alone for the delivery, their special time. MIL invited herself along for it. Can you believe it? SIL asked her to leave and practically had to have her kicked out. A month later at Easter dinner she was giving SIL a guilt trip about how she didn't get to see her GC be born. Well I piped up and said "and you're not going to see the next one born either". I wasn't having my own mom in the delivery room with my privates on parade so MIL certainly wasn't invited. So, you get the point that she really wanted to be there and DH wanted his family there, just not in the delivery room. Nevertheless she informs us that they scheduled their vacation to begin one week after my due date, to leave on father's day weekend no less. I reminded her that I was due one week earlier, first time mom, and babies come on their own time. (And I had a problem pregnancy to boot, spent 3 months on rest, lost my job over it and was already stressed out a bit). She said something to the effect of she was confident I could give birth by then. Ok my SIL was induced because she gained more weight then recommended and developed blood pressure issues but that didn't mean I'd be induced. She didn't come directly out and say it but it was insinuated. I lost it! I told her if she wasn't around it didn't matter to me but it mattered to DH. But if she thought that I would induce labor to suit her vacation schedule she was out of her GD mind, no way in H$%L. She could tell i was pissed off. The various expletives gave it away. My own family ticked me off a few years earlier and I didn't speak to them for several months. I don't know if this scared her or she was afraid she'd never see her GC if she made me mad enough. I would never do that, but something changed her mind. She changed her plans and has been well behaved since. And by the way my DS was late.

I'm not saying a full fledged, have it out, nip it in the bud, put her in her place meltdown will work with all MIL's but it did with mine.

Good luck to all!

 

[calie_j]

Plan your vacation the way you want to and let MIL know which day/s you will be visiting and which day/s she is welcome to come to WDW and spend time with you (include your itinerary so she knows what to expect and you can stick to your plan). I highly recommend the dophin cruise at St Pete's, very nice people there.

I really feel for the poster who's MIL invited herself on her vacation, and not even having your H there as a buffer

What is it about people and wanting to invite themselves on WDW trips? I invited my friend & her DS to go with me and DD to save costs sharing the room/driving expenses. She said she didn't have the money, and I asked twice weeks apart. Now that I've booked the trip she's saying "maybe I could go". TOO LATE, I already booked air sorry.

Then I told my sis who lives in Tampa about our mother/daughter trip. I invited her to come spend a day with us and she can even use my 1 day pass I needed to buy for the free dining, I have AP. Try to talk to her about what park she wants to go to so I can plan to have her there with ADR's and park plans. Then she comes up with "maybe I'll go get DD who lives with her dad and bring her along for a weekend/ maybe he'll let me take her out of school for a day for a long weekend (fat chance they do NOT get along and she lives in IL so pretty expensive to fly up to get her and bring her back for a weekend)". Now I would love my sister to come spend a few days with us and even my niece but she doesn't understand that I'm making my itinerary/ADR's NOW. So I just decided to make it the way I want, keep a few days good for her to come join us, and not worry about the "ifs & maybe's". Worst case we'll have to split up while we go to our ADR or she'll have to add parkhopping to the ticket.

Calie

 

[Biscuitsmom31]

In my case it is MY family that invites themselves. I did invite my mother to come along months ago when we first booked our upcoming trip. I couldn't get a definite answer from her until the free dining came out and then she decided to come. Had to re-do our ADR's but managed to get her in. Now my father and younger sister are toying with coming. Don't get me wrong, I love them both but they are both bi-polar and extremely controlling. They are usually dealable by themselves but when they are together it's a constant power struggle. How do I tell them one of them can come as long as the other doesn't. I don't own Disney so I really can't tell them they can't come.

 

[muffyn]

Long story short, I invited my extremely healthy 59 year old mother to go to Disney with us last year, one month later she passed away from a brain aneurysm. Did it create more stress, cost and 1 more person in the room, yes! Was my husband not really crazy about the idea, probably so! But it will be my last memory of my mother and my children will never forget the fun with grandma at Disney.

I know how you feel
my husband & I took his parents to disney for thier 5oth wedding anniversary( they have never been) My MIL died the following year. luckily the year we went they were still selling bricks & we had purchased one for them. since that time when we go, I will actually sit & cry in the restaurants we went to! ( I feel so stupid).
anyway , I have been a MIL for many years, & am on the other end of what you guys are posting. & DiL hasn't been exactly my best friend,, though I have tried dang hard, since I remember what my MiL was to me. *sigh*.... anyway I guess what I am trying to say is for those of you complaining about M-i-l's you must not be ONE,, please remember one day you will be one,,,,,, & think of what you might get back..

POB14:
other than that. I don't have much of a suggestion about how to handle the trip you are mentioning! I personally did like Bush Gardens, but I like roller coasters. there are a few things for kids, especially if you do the special tour where they take you around to watch the keepers feed the animals.... but maybe your MiL doesn't realize that there is sooooooo much more at disney for your child... uhh, have the grandchild kiss up to grandma & try to convince her how she LOVES LOVES disney! & just HAS to get a certain characters picture/autograph plus,, the restaurants at disney,,,, well who can compare. (does Bush have a decent place to eat? or characters? I didn't notice) start sending her emails of your daughter in her minnie mouse outfit,, with cute captions.....

 

[Jobie]

I am not going to even read the OP, but if the MIL is anything like mine, I say here is the gun..... fire at will.

 

[reginaastralis]

To the OP

If you do go to Tampa, even if for a few days, there are a few things to do.

I honestly don't think Bush Gardens is that great for children so young. They do have great coasters, but mainly for older ones. They have a few great kids areas, but honestly for $60 a pop, not worth the money for the kiddos. IMO.

I agree with a pp ... go to Laury Park Zoo, it's about $20 for adults to spend the day. They have a new baby elephant, who is just too cute. We just went this week. It's a nice, small zoo, but it's been voted the best in the southeast *or something close to this*.

We have a lot of childrens museums. There is one next dorr to the zoo. KidCity. It's pretty cute, and cheap.

I love the aquarium. They have a cute little water park on top for munchkins.

There are lots of parks in the area as well.

The drive down I4 SUCKS. Really, it does. You're going to hit traffic, but from my house to Disney, it's about 50-65 minutes depending on the traffic. I can't wait until they finish with the construction.

I say, if you can't get out of visiting Tampa, make the best of it. Talk the grandparents into taking the kid's to a kid museum or the beach. We have wonderful beaches.

Amanda

 

[PrincessNED]

Sorry POB14. I think you can get away with, "Thanks for the invite, we'll be down on such and such dates as we are visiting Disney....."

Squidrific,

I am never speechless and I was speechless when I read that. However, I'm am less annoyed with your MIL than I am with your husband. It's obvious your MIL has been like this for years. You don't get habits and behaviors like that overnight. She has spent years doing this to people.

Your husband has put you in an awkward position here. I can't imagine having that done to me. I would tell your husband, that because of his response, he has signed up to go on the trip.

If he says no, I would cancel the trip (you make up the reason) and say you have a conflict to your MIL. I would then immediately plan another trip, a month or two after the original. I would then keep it quiet.

Contrary to the above soapbox statement, I am not a terrible person.
My wife and I are known in our family and friends for sacrificing to help family and friends. This however, is complete underhandedness and is interfering with your time with your children.

That's where I have no tolerance. It is our responsibility as husbands and wives to take the responsibility for a situations caused by our mothers and fathers. Not our Mother or fathers-in-law.

I would expect the same from you if your mother pulled this instead of his.

If your husband cannot step up and be a man to his mother, then you might have to resort to similar tactics.

Well said Craig!! But I say DH should not have to go on the trip but tell his mamma to butt out of his family's private time. If MIL was wanted she'd of been invited !!

If DH won't do it or MIL insists on coming blatently insist she is not invited and if nescesary cancel and rebook as Craig said. BUT DON't EVEN TELL DH.
I'm sure momma will be pleased to cook his dinner and do his laundry and maybe even tell him a bed time story.

 

[caribbound]

You guys are making me appreciate my dreaded MIL! She battled her in-laws allher married life until they passed these past couple yrs. They rejected her from the start, supposedly out of prejudice (she's French, they're German), however she doesn't get along w/ anyone from her own immediate family still in France either. So who rejected who first? FIL didn't even go to his parents local funerals. No spine on either side of the fence.
Anyway, I always go through whether it would be worth the stress of going on vacation with them if they paid. I fully expect them to ask to take at least our oldest (her favorite-most like dh) if/when they go to WDW. DH said 4 yrs ago he would tell them they'd have to take all of us. I don't know if he'd still say that now that the kids are a bit older. A trip to France I'd let her take them individually as a cultural experience b/c I couldn't give them that. But could I grin and bear it for the sake of kids memories as long as I didn't have to pay? No way if I had to pay our half. It wouldn't be a "vacation" and I may as well stay home and save the $$.

I'm going to Tampa/Clearwater for two nights before heading to Orlando just b/c the kids have never been to the ocean. In Jan our chances are iffy for good beach weather , but Gasparilla Extravaganza is that weekend so we'll watch the boats come in and the parade. I'll have to write down these other suggestions like the aquarium and children's museum in case the weather is bad and we can't spend time on Clearwater beach.

Squidrific, you've gotten so many opinions your mind is probably jumping hoops by now. I don't remember if you booked flights or told your dd of your plans, but if you can change w/out penalty, and your villa, do so. Ask you own mom or a good friend to plan a special "date" or party for a mutual friend (it can be just dinner for the 3 of you at Olive Garden) that it's important for you to be at. As much as the post of making your mil's week miserable waiting for you and dd sounds like sweet revenge, your week would be just as miserable with guilt and annoyance and flare-ups as she likely won't just go with the flow. Plus you don't want to set a negative mood/example for your daughter.
If you can be bold, and it won't be easy, uninvite her promptly as much in control as you can. Hopefully she doesn't know the specifics of your vacation like airline and villa. OKW is a big place, or wherever you're staying, and if you specify to CM you don't want any personal info to be given out to ANYONE as to whether you are a resident or not, they are obligated to follow that. Otherwise, cut your losses and rebook the trip privately giving info only to your own mother or best friend, notifying dh a week before threatening to duct tape his mouth and anything else shut if he thinks of peeping to mom. If there's an emergency he can call on your cell or call your designated information holder.
After 16 yrs my dh has gotten better in some areas, then backslid in others since his dad had a couple bouts w/ cancer. His excuse is that she's always been that way, it's never going to change, I should be the good one and change (to her liking or accepting of how she is intrusive on our family life).

Can't wait to find out how you handle it. Best wishes.

 

[SorcererDonald16]

I know Busch Gardens Williamsburg isn't the same as BG Tampa, but that being said... every time I'm at the former, I wind up thinking "Take me back to Disney!" BG is enjoyable for a day. If you're a thrill/coaster junkie, more than 1 day. But personally... I'd take Disney any day of the week.

As for the MIL horror stories... be grateful y'all have never met a relative of mine's MIL. She's mean, bossy, spreads lies, and is a racist to boot. Been that way her whole life and makes it her business to drive family members nutty enough in hopes that all their marriages will end. Lovely, isn't it?

 

[starwood]

I totally sympathize. My MIL just left our house after visiting for 3 weeks. During that time DH went to work and DS went to school and I was left having to amuse her all day. She tagged along everywhere I went and she poked along until there was someplace she wanted to be and then you couldn't keep up with her.

We did Disney World and Disneyland with her and my mother. Never again. She can't keep up but when you look for her she has taken off in her own direction. I think I would kill myself if I had to spend a week with her alone at WDW.

I agree that your DH should tell her this is a mother/daughter trip and she can accompany the family on a later trip.

 

[MomofCKJ]

I went to college in Tampa and while it is not Disney I did like going to Busch Gardens. However I don't remember much for little kids. I do remember that they had some great coasters though! And free beer, that was important then too.

As for MILs, I feel for all of you. I have the best MIL in the world, honest. I love her, love her, love her. She is helpful, offers advice when asked but never pushes it on me, generous, loving and raised one heck of a son (my DH). Really, she is so wonderful that for 5 years we lived above her (the house she owns is a 2 family, she lived on first floor, we lived on 2nd and 3rd) and I loved it. If I could clone her I'd make a million bucks!

And she is paying for a good portion of our Christmas trip as our gift to us and never even considered asking if she could tag along. Though if she did I would probably say yes, free babysitting! Seriously though Disney is not her thing but she is happy to gift us some $$$ to go.

Allyson

 

[suevee]

I am a MIL and my DSIL can get around me anytime because he is just so NICE!!! That being said, I am sure he has his own MIL stories about me. BUT I would never presume to plan his vacation for him and DD, unless asked......or if I was paying and I invited them...ohh..I did that. It did work out, I just told them here is what DH and I were doing and if they wanted to join us fine and if not fine. No biggie. We all had a great time! In fact I took all three daughters, grandchildren, friends...but that is another story. And I met Bill from PA and his lovely wife!! Hi Bill

Squidrific, it seems you will never be able to please your mil so why try??? Don't sweat it. Just say NO and if she wants to know why, tell her to talk to her son, he has all the answers. My DD runs interference for her husband and it works. Of course sometimes I run interference with her for him and that works too...

I was lucky, both my MIL and my DM were great MILs and taught me well...at least I think so! I learned to mind my own business, don't take sides, always say "That's nice dear", pretend to be deaf on occasion, AND LOCK THE DOOR BEHIND THEM!!!

 

[mjgruber]

Okay, not really, but still . . .

We're thinking about a trip to FL in October. (Allegiant Air, Kids Fly Free deal, yay. ) Anyway, the in-laws spend the colder months near Tampa, and want us to visit them, which is fine, but I was explaining that the kids would probably want to spend a few days at WDW also [and truth be told, so would I, since I hate beaches, and that's about all there is near them.

Anyway, when discussing going to Disney, MIL says the following:

"We have Busch Gardens in Tampa. That's the same thing."



Am I allowed to say *** on this board? Probably not. So I won't say ***. But I sure said *** to myself. I'm sure my DD5 would love to wear her Minnie Mouse dress, Minnie Mouse shoes, and Minnie Mouse ears, and carry one of her seven stuffed Minnie Mice (Mouses?) . . . to Busch Gardens.

So what would be fun for a 6 and 5 year old at Busch, or Tampa generally? No big coasters, please; DD5 is way too short for anything height-restricted, and the rest of us are too chicken.

[I wasn't quite sure where to put this, so mods, please relocate as necessary.]

.....Make it look like an accident

 

[mjgruber]

I'm right up there with shooting of the MIL - can we form a club?

Mine found out that DD9 and I were going in October without DH and invited herself along because she was sure we would have plenty of room in our villa. She already purchased her park tickets and plane ticket before telling me. How do I say no? I am absolutely floored by this!

DH tells me not to get upset and just enjoy myself on vacation, but if she and I haven't gotten along for 15 years how can 1 week together at my personal happy place still be magical?

Sorry, Don't want to hijack thread so back OT-there is a lot to do at Busch Gardens and the animal exhibits are nice, but it is not Disney! 1 day is all you will need for Busch Gardens and then you may not want to go back again for a while.

It is your vacation and do your Disney time and then spend a couple of days at the end with the In-Laws. Good Luck and Pixie Dust

You are both going in October, maybe you could swap MILs? It would at least make for a Great Trip report.

 

[rantnnravin]

OP--is the trip a trip to see the IL's or was it originally a disney trip with the suggestion of a visit?

Sqid-
in trying to be the bigger person, why not do this:
use/borrow/rent points to book a studio for just MIL.
say, "the villa we got is really only big enough for the two of us to sleep comfortably, so we got you your own room- this way, you can come and go as you please and don't feel obligated to stick to our schedule. i've already made our dining reservations for two, and it's too late to get bigger tables for most of them, but i was able to change some to three"
plan your vacation as you would and meet up w/her for dinner or a morning in a park, but don't plan on being together the entire time.
if DH balks at using points or the cost, etc. , tell him he needs to step up and find a way to pay for it, even if it means asking his mother for the $ to pay for her accomodations.

 

[maccalovah]

I'm sorry, Squidrific, that sounds awful.
I think my only issue with this situation would have been possibly offending MIL or hurting her feelings in some way, but then I read that she'd stood up and objected during your wedding , so it doesn't sound like you've had (or ever will have) the greatest relationship. Honestly, I would outright tell her that she's stepped over the line and she was never invited on this trip. It doesn't sound like you have much to lose by telling her - I wonder why she wanted to come on this trip in the first place, if she has such ill feelings towards you?
I also like the suggestion of getting her her own room, and telling her that you could only change *some* of your ADRs. That should make it clear to her that this was intended to be a mother-daughter only trip.
Some people....

By the way, this thread has made me scared for my future...My boyfriend's mother tends to be a bit like some of the MILs described here. I'm not sure if she'd ever have the nerve to actually invite herself along on a vacation, but she's got that whole 'i'll make you feel extremely guilty until you have no choice but to include me' thing down pat

Sarah

 

[unbroken chain]

Maccalovah, watch out! How does your boyfriend feel about his mother? If he is an only child, you two will be the sole recipient of these guilt trips and will be expected to spend every holiday with her (since you are her only family), spend your entire 2 weeks' vacation with her (after all, it's not asking that much to spend only 2 weeks out of a whole year with her, is it?), leaving no time for your husband and children alone, etc. And if he doesn't stand up to her now (and he's been trained his whole life not to), don't expect him to change.

Think about how he says he feels about her. Watch out for men who "hate" their mothers. They likely have a good reason for their feelings, but the depth of the reasons may not be apparent to you until you know her awhile (but you are getting a preview already, it sounds like). And, what effect has her way of behaving had on him and the kind of person he is? For example, has he learned it is easier to lie than to deal with her overbearing behavior? Consider that these kinds of learned ways of dealing with his mother will likely translate to you. The real effects of her behavior on him also may not be apparent until you are married.

It may work out great and he may be a great guy, but at least go in with your eyes wide open!

 

[rie'smom]

.....Make it look like an accident

It could go like this. Suggest MIL go on that really fun ride Mission Space but only if she has a medical condition.
Seriously, my MIL is pretty great. We lunch and shop together about 1x a month.

 

[maccalovah]

Maccalovah, watch out! How does your boyfriend feel about his mother? If he is an only child, you two will be the sole recipient of these guilt trips and will be expected to spend every holiday with her (since you are her only family), spend your entire 2 weeks' vacation with her (after all, it's not asking that much to spend only 2 weeks out of a whole year with her, is it?), leaving no time for your husband and children alone, etc. And if he doesn't stand up to her now (and he's been trained his whole life not to), don't expect him to change.

Think about how he says he feels about her. Watch out for men who "hate" their mothers. They likely have a good reason for their feelings, but the depth of the reasons may not be apparent to you until you know her awhile (but you are getting a preview already, it sounds like). And, what effect has her way of behaving had on him and the kind of person he is? For example, has he learned it is easier to lie than to deal with her overbearing behavior? Consider that these kinds of learned ways of dealing with his mother will likely translate to you. The real effects of her behavior on him also may not be apparent until you are married.

It may work out great and he may be a great guy, but at least go in with your eyes wide open!

Thankfully, my BF has an older brother (who just got married and aquired 2 young stepchildren in the process), so most of her focus is usually on them. (And boy, I feel sorry for them....but not *that* sorry lol).

My BF is usually quite good about letting her know when she's crossed lines, and he definitely doesn't have a problem standing up to her. It's usually me, with my obsessive need to make sure no one ever gets their feelings hurt, etc. If my (future) MIL had invited herself on our vacation, there'd be NO WAY I'd ever get up the nerve to tell her that she wasn't invited and wasn't welcome. However, my BF would never have that problem He loves his mother very much, but also realizes she can be quite overbearing and annoying at times. It's a good balance, and believe me, if I thought I'd be dealing with her alone for the rest of my life, I definitely would be doing some serious re-thinking lol.
My situation has an added level of "fun" in that (future) MIL is a serious alcoholic who absolutely refuses to accept any sort of help for her problem. You can imagine the situations that creates

Sarah

 

[Squidrific]

OMG, I hope you are joking! That is unforgiveable!
If you are not joking (and I don't mean to make light of it or go OT) I'm really curious to know, what happens when someone objects? Other than movies and soap operas, I've never actually heard of such a thing. Its practically unimaginable.

Actually there was quite a very long awkward pause in which no one said anything. Then my husband told his mom to sit down and we continued. I was so proud and had such hopes for him on that day!

Unfortunately now after 15 years, he has adopted the try to ignore the problem and it will go away. The problem doesn't go away it just gets dropped onto me.