Should I be concerned?

[4cruisin]

To the OP,

Congratulations for stepping up and being concerned about your daughter. It looks like it may be time to start the discussion about boundaries and how some words have different meanings to others.

To those that disagree with the mom reading her daughter's writings.....
if more parents took the time and interest....maybe there would be less problems amongst today's youth.

 

[UnderTheMistletoe]

I am a pre-service teacher and have spent a lot of time in the 5th grade classroom. Truly, I cannot believe some of the notes I've caught. Foul language and adult content that wouldn't even qualify as soft pornography. Unfortunately, kids are learning about these things earlier and younger. What gets passed around the halls and schoolyards doesn't help either.

If it is a conern to you, and it seems to be (and I know it would be for me!), then sit down and have a talk with your daught. Explain to her that what you found in the notebook surprised you, especially the adult inuendos. More than likely, she's heard this type of thing on TV, radio, internet, etc., and is conforming to the expected 'tween behavior. But, that doesn't make it appropriate for her age. Maybe try the, 'No 3rd grader's body is sexy,' approach I'd almost say if she's going down this route now, it might be better for her to know and have heard it all from you than from pals on the schoolyard... Seems awfully early, but You know what's right for you and your family. Have faith and choose your words and timing carefully and it could be a very productive and important discussion.

 

[HeyIt'sMe]

Oh yes, kids today are alot different from when we were growing up!

My DD (9) is in 4th Grade and there is a boy in her school that has liked her since 1st Grade. She likes him as a friend (she has a crush on a different boy) but some of her girl friends (one in particular who is very 'hootchie-like', like her mother. ) always says "You should give him a chance. You should go out with him.". My DD's response was "Go out with him? Where are we supposed to go?? I'm only 9 years old!". Good girl.

I have a friend that calls guys "Hot" all the time around my DD. I'd expect that DD would pick up that but hasn't. Maybe your DD is just repeating things she hears/sees but doesn't fully understand what they mean. Sounds like it's a good time for a Mother-Daughter talk.

Debbie

 

[Skatermom23]

To those that disagree with the mom reading her daughter's writings.....
if more parent's took the time and interest....maybe there would be less problems amongst today's youth.

 

[GoofyDad869]

My daughter (just turned 8) was complaining to me two days ago about some boys who 'raped' (her word) her in the school hallway on our way home from picking her up at school.

After I got done hyperventilating, and after asking her a few questions about what REALLY happened (these boys - three 2nd graders & a 3rd grader - were running up from behind her and tugging on her ponytail, tapping her shoulder, etc.) she really meant 'harrass'. I told her the difference in the two words' meanings. We haven't had 'The Talk' with her yet so the concept of 'rape' is an interesting one to explain - basically I told her that it's like somebody touching you "down there", but worse.

She obviously had no clue what it meant, but she heard it somewhere and thought it applied to her situation. I'm thinking back to a news talk radio story about a local gang rape case from earlier this week that was on while she was in the car - maybe she was actually listening to that?

 

[KristinBelle]

Oh yes, kids today are alot different from when we were growing up!

Not so much, I remember girls in my class back in 3rd grade that were boy crazy and this was back in the 70's. They wrote I love and their name with the boys last name in their notebooks. In third grade, I had zero interest in boys, I thought the "boy crazy" girls were weird; my mom was probably very grateful.

 

[UnderTheMistletoe]

My daughter (just turned 8) was complaining to me two days ago about some boys who 'raped' (her word) her in the school hallway on our way home from picking her up at school....

Oh, yes. That one gets used a lot in school. Imgaine trying to explain the difference as an educator... and you don't know what mommy and daddy have and haven't told little Susy.... and don't want to cross any boundaries or step on any toes.

One of the questions I always ask is, "Where did you hear that word being used?" It almost always comes from watching or listening to the news on the TV or radio. When you think about it, they don't censor what goes into the 4 and 5 o'clock news when little ears are listening. They pick it up and construct a meaning based on their own social context. Quite obviously, it's not usually right. If that word comes up or could come up, like on the radio show you mentioned, you may want to turn whatever it is off, or explain the words true meaning- to the best of your ability and catered to an age-appropriate level. The other big problem is B_ _w J _ _. They haven't a clue (well, most of them don't) and are using it like it, "The," or, "And."

 

[Amlee]

My daughter (just turned 8) was complaining to me two days ago about some boys who 'raped' (her word) her in the school hallway on our way home from picking her up at school.

After I got done hyperventilating, and after asking her a few questions about what REALLY happened (these boys - three 2nd graders & a 3rd grader - were running up from behind her and tugging on her ponytail, tapping her shoulder, etc.) she really meant 'harrass'. I told her the difference in the two words' meanings. We haven't had 'The Talk' with her yet so the concept of 'rape' is an interesting one to explain - basically I told her that it's like somebody touching you "down there", but worse.

She obviously had no clue what it meant, but she heard it somewhere and thought it applied to her situation. I'm thinking back to a news talk radio story about a local gang rape case from earlier this week that was on while she was in the car - maybe she was actually listening to that?

For some reason this strick me as funny. It's a wonder you didn't drive off the road when she told you that. I can just see one of my brothers if one of my nieces made this comment even as innocent as it is. Oh Dear Lord! It would so be a Kodak moment!

 

[UrsulasMyHero]

To the OP,

Congratulations for stepping up and being concerned about your daughter. It looks like it may be time to start the discussion about boundaries and how some words have different meanings to others.

To those that disagree with the mom reading her daughter's writings.....
if more parent's took the time and interest....maybe there would be less problems amongst today's youth.

ITA. What if said "journal" contained writings about this child being abused, I'll hazard a guess that they'd say it was OK to 'violate' the trust -in that case-. The difference being, you wouldn't know unless YOU READ IT.

A mother has certain responsibilities, one of those is to watch over the child, to help be a moral compass, and to direct a child's emotional growth. Sadly there are many children out there who are bereft of any guidence, save that which they get from their peers. Their parents are far too busy with their own personal lives to be concerned with their off spring.

That Hot, Sexy bodies are part of our young childrens vernacular is just sad. That looks are so important at such a young, tender age scares me.

Ah well,

 

[tink_n_pooh]

OMG, you're kidding right??? No 9 year old has the right to privacy. As a matter of fact, any child living in my house doesn't have a right to privacy. Mom doesn't have to come out and tell dd that she read her writings but really should open up a discussion about boys, boundaries etc.

Honestly, if I had children, I would search their room, read their writings secretly just to keep tabs. It's my responsibility to know what is going on whether they tell me or I have to search for it.

WOW No right to privacy?? That is crazy. How would you have felt if your parents searched your room and read all of your writings? If you trust your children there shouldn't be any need for searching their room. A little parental snooping is a different story just don't let it get out of control.


For the OP - I think this is pretty normal for kids her age. By the sounds of exactly what she wrote, she has no idea what those words really mean. Like others have mentioned kids don't really know what the words mean so they make up there own definitions.

Then again, when I was in second grade (quite a long time ago ) my mother read my diary and we had a similar situation, except I mentioned the big S E X word so she asked if I knew what it meant. I told her I didn't know what it was ... but I knew darn well what it actually meant, and that was in second grade. Not like I wanted to do it or planned on it but I knew what it meant.

Now that I have scared everyone...

 

[Wishing on a star]

To me, it sounds like she was just using jargon that she has picked up on, and really does not understand the meanings and the connotations. Many kids are quick to try to 'act' older and more and put on appearances.

Really, the phrases she used are commonly overheard almost everywhere. Older pre-teens and teenagers, TV, Radio, etc....

About the privacy... Yes, the mom should be careful not to offend her daughter. And, yes, even children should be given some 'sense' of privacy.

However, this is a nine year old girl, the book was not hidden and locked away. I agree with those who are saying... 'privacy!!! '

Ummm, not in my house.... not at that age...

 

[Buckalew11]

story about a local gang rape case from earlier this week

Off topic but did happen here or Knoxville? I haven't even heard about it!

 

[4cruisin]

WOW No right to privacy?? That is crazy. How would you have felt if your parents searched your room and read all of your writings? If you trust your children there shouldn't be any need for searching their room. A little parental snooping is a different story just don't let it get out of control.

Actually, I don't know if my mother did or did not search my room and my belongings. And although I don't have children, it does not change my way of thinking. Both dh and I discussed raising children since we had planned it to be part of our lives, but it just didn't work out that way and both of us felt it was our first priority to be the parents not our child's friend or buddy. If you can manage to be both, that's great but I was raised to love and respect my mom along with a touch of fear. and it seemed to have worked ok for me.

Sometimes, when I hear stories or see how some kids act today....I'm almost relieved that I'm not raising a child now.

 

[Biscuitsmom31]

My daughter does know what sex is. She has a 10 year old brother and DH and I have explained to them what certain body parts are for and how they are used in procreation. DH and I have had different aspects of the "birds and bees" discussions with them casually over the years. Neither of us wanted to do a formal intimidating "the talk" sort of thing.

I am not certain of the best way to handle the whole thing. I don't want her to think sex is evil and taboo, but I also don't want her to think life is a sex free for all either.

At 9 years old, I don't know what level to approach her on. She's still a child, but puberty is right around the corner... The mom in me wants to say "boys are evil, stay away. No dating until you're 25 and no sex until you've been married for 2 years" However, I know that's not reasonable.

 

[beattyfamily]

Then again, when I was in second grade (quite a long time ago ) my mother read my diary and we had a similar situation, except I mentioned the big S E X word so she asked if I knew what it meant. I told her I didn't know what it was ... but I knew darn well what it actually meant, and that was in second grade. Not like I wanted to do it or planned on it but I knew what it meant.

Wow, no offense but this is sad (and yes, scary) to me on so many levels. That you wrote in your diary about sex at such a young age, that you knew exactly what it meant at such a young age and lastly that you chose to lie to your mother about it. Isn't the average age in 2nd grade 7 or 8 depending on what month you were born in? Oh my.

 

[rie'smom]

One of the girls in my daughter's class talked about sleeping with her boyfriend-in the first grade! It turned out that she slept at their house-the boy has a twin sisiter- and her sleeping bag was next to his.
I was at a luncheon yesterday and several people commented on the girls in my daughter's class being "something". Unfortunately,it's true. They are going to 8th grade next year and think they are so sophisticated. I've talked to my daughter and I hope others are talking to their daughters as well.

 

[smartestnumber5]

Then again, when I was in second grade (quite a long time ago ) my mother read my diary and we had a similar situation, except I mentioned the big S E X word so she asked if I knew what it meant. I told her I didn't know what it was ... but I knew darn well what it actually meant, and that was in second grade. Not like I wanted to do it or planned on it but I knew what it meant.

Now that I have scared everyone...

Wow I'm also shocked at the lack of respect for privacy people on this thread have.

I had a similar experience as you, but it was less a privacy issue. I think there was a magazine I had when I was about 7 that mentioned the word "sex" and my mom overheard me showing a friend and us giggling about it. (Neither of us really knew what it meant; i just knew it involved naked people kissing.) She talked to me later and asked if I knew what it meant and said she thought I was too young to know what it meant.

Well that just convinced me that it was something naughty and dirty and a secret, and therefore I just HAD to know about it because it was probably something fun that my parents just thought I shouldn't do (You know how those parents don't let their kids do anything fun ). I did find out about it soon after from reading everything I could get my hands on and discovering the Playboy channel. A few years later I asked what a condom was and my mom lied to me about that because I was still too young (so she thought) .

Anyway, I think her lying to me and keeping the truth from me was a bad way of doing things. Didn't make me any more innocent. GF and I plan on being honest with our (future) children about all matters of anatomy and physiology.

 

[GoofyDad869]

Off topic but did happen here or Knoxville? I haven't even heard about it!

We listen to News Talk (Hallerin Hilton Hill's show) early in the morning, dropping off the kids at school and driving into work. That station has that new super-transmitter that reaches well beyond the immediate Knoxville area. The gang rape was in either north Georgia or Alabama (we switched it off once we realized what it was about) - within their station's listening range.

Back on topic - Privacy issues? I am a firm believer that with 'rights' come 'responsibilities'. As a parent, I'm ultimately responsible for that child until he/she turns 18. As minors in the eyes of the law, they are not responsible for their own actions, and thus can have their rights to those actions rescinded. If I have a reason to suspect a problem (they are not being "responsible", and that can have many different meanings), the "right to privacy" is the first thing that goes out the window in MY home.

 

[chris1gill]

OMG I have a 9 year old DD!!!! I would DEFINITELY say something to her, about "stuff", I might try to give her an opening for some of these feelings to come out......

 

[Daydreamer64]

I hope others are talking to their daughters as well.

I hope parents are talking to their sons too- we have always had a "you can ask us any question any time- with no questions asked by Mom and Dad" policy at our house. It's not only the little girls who need to be protected and taught- boys can be victims too and just as innocent as little girls.

To the OP- my then first grade son shocked us - we were on vacation at a lodge- We, Mom and Dad, had the loft room- we put a blanket up to cover the railing while Mom was changing her clothes- Dad came up to get something from the suitcase and precious little one yells at the top of his lungs, I guess he had to make sure that we could hear him all the way up the stairs, as well as anybody within a 100 yard radius, says, "I know what you are going to do - you are going to put your privates together" Where did he see or hear that- we had no cable, we always locked the door and were very private when needed- our then third grade DS said- "Oh, that's gross- people don't do that - do they
MOM?????MOM-MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM I sssaaaiiidddd, DO PEOPLE DO THAT????- if they do I'm never having *** "

So, our first grader spilled the beans, that we didn't even know that he knew about, to the third grader, who was in total shock!

After a quick whispering together, DH and I decided to be matter of fact and say that there are lots of ways to show affection to the person that you are MARRIED to-

We acted all casual about it and throughout the weekend, we managed to get a bit more information from DS 1st grader- one of the kids in his class knew all about it- ALL OF IT- So, now, we did too-

I called the teacher and told her that she was a great teacher but I wasn't sure that DS needed to know about the birds and bees in that much detail yet- I was friends with her and she started to laugh and asked what he had said- the next day the "offender" had written a note to appoligize to us for telling as he had been told repeatedly to keep quite- The offender's Mom was quoted as saying that they "shared a bedroom and he saw too much"- wonderful - couldn't she have picked and chose an appropriate place and time, she's not an animal for pete's sake, instead of educating half of the school's first graders and at least one shocked and unhappy third grader?

As far as privacy goes, I would never, never let on that I read the book ( she will only get smarter and find ways to hide things from you if she thinks you are spying on her) BUT I would make sure to address the situation- like- at dinner or some time that she is near- approach Dh and say something like, "I heard ... on TV today- I don't even know what that means do you?" She will probably take the bait and now you have an opening to see what she really thinks the words that she wrote mean to her- this works pretty good with my kids and until just lately, they didn't even know that they were baited into talking about ___. I am already a junior sluth and hope that by the time I have finished raising my boys, I will be able to become a private investigator for hire !

My kids deserve privacy when they are capable of controlling their youthful, impulsive urges and able to make the correct moral judgements, that I want them to encompase, as young adults- until then, they don't raise themselves and they need guidance- I will guide them in any fashion that I deem needed, so I will be one of the quite, sneaking, sluths looking through and all in my kids room, drawers, backpacks......especially, if they show any signs of trouble-

I'd bet you won't see my kids in juvi- or in gangs, they don't have time first of all, second I'm a SAHM so I'm around and able to be all up in their business when I need to be ( very seldom ) and third because I work really hard to balance their independance needs with solid parental guidance, I'm hoping that they think all is good and free will reigns - they have all kinds of freedoms, they make almost all of their own choices about their lives and they think I'm a cool Mom - without realising that I've been by their side the whole time watching every move to leaving them just enough rope to swing on but not quite enough to hang themselves with.

For the OP- I would sit down and talk about the birds and the bees with your daughter- as I'm sure you know because of your other posts about her coming into puberty, there are kids who start their life changes as young as 9 or ten ( some even earlier- precoucious puberty ) and IMO, she needs to know now- I worked in the school system until I had my boys, and I can assure you that the kids are much more knowledgable now due to cable.....and so on then when I was little, we had Saturday morning cartoons, channel 17- Munsters, Gilligan's Island and GPTV- Sesame Street- - none of these are even close to the "kid aimed" shows that are on TV now- even my 13 year old is not allowed to watch all of the KA shows out there- garbage into the brain = garbage out of the mouth and bad behavior.