Should ex help out with these expenses?

[Minnie_me]

If your ex is in agreement that she is unable to drive right now then maybe he should contribute to her transportation costs. But he should definitely have a say in what those costs are ahead of time. Which brings me to my real point...

It seems to me that the real problem is that driving 160 miles per day is overwhelming and maybe unwise. How much does her job pay? Is it even worth it given the commute. My DD20 was looking at 3 paid internship offers for this summer. She certainly factored commute into the decision. One opportunity was nixed because she would have been driving way too much for the opportunity- cost/benefit wasn't there.

Are the job and theater program in the same town? If so, I would stay there in the afternoon after the job drop off until it was time to pick up the 15 year old to eliminate a couple of trips.

Yes, ex is in FULL AGREEMENT that DD should not be getting her license right now.

The job and program are not in the same town, but the job is kind of on the way to the theatre program (not really, but kind of). The first few days, I tried to combine them with errands and such, but it just doesn't work out on an every day basis. One day, I sat in my hot car in a parking lot for 2 1/2 hours reading. Not doing that again. And sure, I can go to the mall or something, but not every day.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Yes, ex is in FULL AGREEMENT that DD should not be getting her license right now.

The job and program are not in the same town, but the job is kind of on the way to the theatre program (not really, but kind of). The first few days, I tried to combine them with errands and such, but it just doesn't work out on an every day basis. One day, I sat in my hot car in a parking lot for 2 1/2 hours reading. Not doing that again. And sure, I can go to the mall or something, but not every day.

you should not have to wait----but one or the other kid should be able to head to a library or park, etc to wait for a ride maybe one day per week eacxh or something, so you can cut down on how many trips you make

 

[nkereina]

Is your ex not close by or in a position where he can pick up or drop off one or both of the girls? Is his house closer to their job/camp where they could spend time at his house to make it easier?

 

[Minnie_me]

you should not have to wait----but one or the other kid should be able to head to a library or park, etc to wait for a ride maybe one day per week eacxh or something, so you can cut down on how many trips you make

Lol, it does seem like that, doesn't it? But DD18's job is way out in the country, and there is absolutely nothing around. And DD15's program is in the middle of a major city --- she's not going anywhere alone! I've thought this through a lot, but there have been options mentioned here that I hadn't thought of (having the girls give me gas money), so I appreciate your *friendly* suggestions!

 

[Sadie22]

Yes, you can go to the mall every day and walk for exercise or sit and read. Many people do that here. Same with the local library to sit and read. Here the libraries are cooling centers on hot summer days.

 

[Allison]

I would say no for the 18 year old and I'm iffy on the 15 year old also.

 

[SMD]

I think there is a difference between when a state can mandate child support and when 2 parties can agree to end child support. I know my aunt had it added to the divorce agreement that her ex would pay for one of several specific colleges that my cousin was looking at, and she was 19 when she graduated high school. I don't know how focusing on the age when child support ends helps the OP here. Bottom line, even if people think that she shouldn't be getting it for her older daughter he younger daughter is only 15.

You could try talking to your younger daughter and explain that, oops, you guys forgot to factor in transportation when you chose her summer activity. If you're already splitting it in 1/3s, maybe you could suggest that if you each agree to pay your 1/3, let's ask dad one more time to pay 1/3, and if he says no, let's come up with a way that we can save the money. Maybe give up some other extras like premium cable channels, dinners out, certain more expensive brands of gorceries or anything that can be reduced for a few months to make up the difference.

 

[Minnie_me]

Is your ex not close by or in a position where he can pick up or drop off one or both of the girls? Is his house closer to their job/camp where they could spend time at his house to make it easier?

He lives close to both of the girls' destinations, but not as close to our town. I have suggested to him (MULTIPLE TIMES) that the girls spend the night with him and he can drive them, and I'll pick them up, or vice versa. He doesn't want them to spend the night ------ I think he may have a new girlfriend that they don't yet know about. He has helped with transportation three times since this started.

 

[Jhaberlein]

I agree that I'd be having this discussion with the girls versus the ex. While yes, they are his children, it's their chosen activity and job that are creating the un-planned for expense. Had the gas costs been considered prior to, would the 18 yo have looked for 2 or 3 part time jobs in town, or an online work from home job instead? Would the 15yo still have gone to theater camp if she had been expected to help pay for transportation (theater geek that I was at that age, I would have worked another job/done extra chores/whatever I needed to be able to go to the camp).

Since no one considered the gas costs before accepting the job and signing up for the theater camp, I'd figure out what amount you'd like to have reimbursed and let them pay you in installments; perhaps later into the fall/winter even after the camp and job are done.

Have you in the past asked the ex to contribute gas money when driving the girls over a certain amount of mileage? I know it's hitting all at once in the summer, but if we tracked mileage for all the sports games/birthday parties/kids stuff through the year in our rural area it all averages out. Some seasons games are within walking distance, some seasons it's 90 minutes round trip per game (3 per week).

Regardless it's a good conversation to have with the girls about budget planning and thinking about all costs involved.

 

[sk!mom]

Yes, ex is in FULL AGREEMENT that DD should not be getting her license right now.

The job and program are not in the same town, but the job is kind of on the way to the theatre program (not really, but kind of). The first few days, I tried to combine them with errands and such, but it just doesn't work out on an every day basis. One day, I sat in my hot car in a parking lot for 2 1/2 hours reading. Not doing that again. And sure, I can go to the mall or something, but not every day.

No need to sit in the car. Go to the library or a shady park and sit and read.

you should not have to wait----but one or the other kid should be able to head to a library or park, etc to wait for a ride maybe one day per week eacxh or something, so you can cut down on how many trips you make

This is a great idea. Have older DD go with you once a week and get dropped somewhere nearby early. She can do the waiting around. Once a week have younger DD walk somewhere nearby to wait for pick up when you head out to pick up her sister. Then you spend the afternoon in town a couple of days.

It just seems like really too much driving. Do you live near your own job?

 

[RedAngie]

IMO a working college student should pay for, or at least contribute to, transportation expenses. Ex is well within his discretion to say no to this one.

For the younger one, yes, I think he should contribute. But should and legally required to are two totally different animals.

 

[Minnie_me]

No need to sit in the car. Go to the library or a shady park and sit and read.



This is a great idea. Have older DD go with you once a week and get dropped somewhere nearby early. She can do the waiting around. Once a week have younger DD walk somewhere nearby to wait for pick up when you head out to pick up her sister. Then you spend the afternoon in town a couple of days.

It just seems like really too much driving. Do you live near your own job?

I did already answer the above idea, which was a good one, but just not feasible in this situation.

And yes, I live SUPER close to my own job. 2 minute commute.

 

[sk!mom]

He lives close to both of the girls' destinations, but not as close to our town. I have suggested to him (MULTIPLE TIMES) that the girls spend the night with him and he can drive them, and I'll pick them up, or vice versa. He doesn't want them to spend the night ------ I think he may have a new girlfriend that they don't yet know about. He has helped with transportation three times since this started.

This update completely changes my opinion. If he agreed that these were good summer choices then I would simply tell him that they need to stay with him Monday to Thursday for the remaining. He's their dad- they need a convenient place to stay. That is completely reasonable to me. Actually I would have them call him and make the arrangements. Drop them both off on Monday and then pick them both up on Friday.

 

[MIGrandma]

I'm really surprised you can get child support until age 21, here it's 18 and I think that is as it should be. An 18-year-old is legally an adult, no longer a child. I can't imagine an 18-year old not having a driver's license. Any kid I've ever known is taking driver's training at age 15 and can hardly wait until the day they turn 16 and go get their license. Our kids both started jobs at age 14, we drove them or they rode with friends' parents. By age 16 they were both working part-time jobs the year 'round, and we bought older cars for them to use while they were still living at home. DS got married at 18, so our monetary obligations to him pretty much ended at that time (although we have helped out occasionally here and there). DD went to college and did use the car we had for her during that time as well, but she paid for her own gas (we paid insurance).

Our DS is divorced and pays over $800/month in child support for his 11-year-old son. He does help pay for extras, but at age 18 I'm sure most of that will stop except for helping with college expenses. I don't think parents are obligated to pay for a child's college costs, if they CAN then that is great, but if they can't that's okay too. There are grants/loans for that purpose.

I think you're very lucky to be able to get "child" support until your DD is 21, if it were me I don't think I'd be asking for many extras, especially when the "child" isn't contributing anything herself. If anyone should be helping you to pay for gas/wear and tear on your car driving your 18-year-old around it should be her.

 

[gwynne]

I did already answer the above idea, which was a good one, but just not feasible in this situation.

And yes, I live SUPER close to my own job. 2 minute commute.

Basically it sounds like the rest of the summer is going to be busy for you. You may have to just make your peace with that.
At the end of next month, have an honest talk with both girls about what worked and what didn't this year. If you need to set some distance/time boundaries, do so for next summer. I'd also discuss the gas money issue and come up with a plan for them to help with that, too.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

I would not hit my spouse up for gas money for an 18 year old adult to and from work. I would hit my spouse up for a reasonable amount of things for a 15 year old like band fees or dance fees. These are expected extracurricular expenses.

 

[pryncess527]

I'm really surprised you can get child support until age 21, here it's 18 and I think that is as it should be.

For right or wrong, the State of New York has determined that children are "entitled to be supported by his or her parents until the age of 21", unless they get married or join the military (or some other emancipating event).

And I agree that I might press harder to have them stay with him.

 

[TAX GUY]

If there was public transportation or the option to car pool, would he be required or expected to pay for her bus pass/ cab fare or to help pay for car pool expenses?

 

[CdnCarrie]

The 18 year old should be paying you for gas.

 

[Chocolate Cake]

He doesn't want them to spend the night ------ I think he may have a new girlfriend that they don't yet know about. He has helped with transportation three times since this started.

Money aside, he seems like a horrible father. Doesn't want his own children to sleep in his home? Disgusting. Bordering on abandonment.

I cannot understand when people choose new girlfriends or boyfriends over their own children.