Should ex help out with these expenses?

[Minnie_me]

Don't forget, the OP doesn't just want them to stay with him.

She wants him to drive them, to two different places at two different times.

That may be the problem. Especially if this wasn't something that he had planned for.

Oh, and our son? He didn't get his license until he was 19.

He could drive ONE of them, while I drive the other. That would cut my running around in half. Or he could drive them both, and I could pick them both up. Nevertheless, it's not happening, so not worth debating.

 

[mom2rtk]

Don't forget, the OP doesn't just want them to stay with him.

She wants him to drive them, to two different places at two different times.

That may be the problem. Especially if this wasn't something that he had planned for.

Oh, and our son? He didn't get his license until he was 19. And in our state, he wasn't an adult until he turned 19.

..... especially if he isn't off during the summers like the OP.

 

[fly girl]

Just want to say hang in there OP. Sounds like you really love your girls to do what you're doing.

No doubt, you learned what not to do next summer. But hopefully your oldest will be driving by then, if possible. If not, you'll figure out a better solution.

Sorry that ex won't help in this circumstance, but I think asking your daughters like you said will teach them a little financial responsibility.

Don't let the negativity of some on here bring you down. Just keep doing the best you can.

 

[SharonZ]

I've been divorced for 6 years, and getting money out of my ex is like pulling teeth. The way he gets paid, he can't have child support automatically taken out of his check. He has to remember to put the money into my account. And in 6 years, he has remembered ONCE. Every other time, he has "forgotten" and I have had to text him to remind him. Annoying.

Our divorce agreement states that, on top of child support, he is to pay half of expenses that go above and beyond the basic things that child support covers, *at his discretion*. I don't know why I agreed to that wording!! But, through the years, I have asked him to pay half of big things like school trips (not field trips, more like out-of-state trips), summer camps, back-to-school supplies, etc. He's usually been pretty good about it.

But right now, we're at odds. Our daughters are 18 and 15 now. The 18-year old works full time this summer (she just finished her freshman year of college), but does not drive. We live in a rural area, and summer jobs are scarce; this job is 16 miles away. So I'm putting 64 miles on my car every day, taking her to and from work. DD15 is in a musical theatre program in the city near us, 24 miles away. So every day, I'm putting an additional 96 miles on my car taking her back and forth. And, of course, the times don't coincide AT ALL, so I can NEVER combine the trips!! (DD18 works 1-9, DD15's program is 8-5)

When I did the math, and realized how much I'm driving, and how much I'm spending on gas, I sent Ex a text asking him to chip in.

He flat out refused. He told me that, because I'm a teacher, I have nothing else to do all summer but drive them to their jobs/activities. I agreed, lol, but reminded him that it's MONEY I need, not time (or help with the driving). He hasn't responded. Am I out of line, asking for this???

(And just because I know these questions will arise: there is no public transportation out here. There is no one that either girl can carpool with. We tried, but all of the people at DD18's job live in the opposite direction, and the kids at DD15's program live in the suburbs and would have to drive an extra 15 minutes to bring her home.)

I think that your answer is within the custody agreement and the wording "at his discretion."

 

[LilyWDW]

The cost of transportation should have been taken into account when the original costs of these things was brought to the ex. Period. You told the ex "You would need to contribute $Y" and he agreed to that. Now you want to come back and say that he needs to pay an additional $Z? Uh, no. That's not how this works. You came to an agreement and he paid what he was asked. You messed up. Now you have to deal with it.

Yes, I am a blunt, but I also think this is a learning experience for the OP and her daughters. Just because the kids WANT to do something, doesn't mean they always get to. It doesn't matter if your parents are married, divorced, or just never married. Sometimes these things don't get to happen due to different reasons including costs. I know for a fact my parents would have told me "You need to find another job or figure out another way to get there" if I had come to them wanting to work somewhere that far away!

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

For right or wrong, the State of New York has determined that children are "entitled to be supported by his or her parents until the age of 21", unless they get married or join the military (or some other emancipating event).

And I agree that I might press harder to have them stay with him.

Good to see New York recognize that the expenses don't end at 18. There is college to think about and the like.

 

[SMD]

I don't believe that CS should count as his "paying toward college", when college costs are so exorbitant, and I still have to maintain the household while she's there.

There are plenty of families who downsize when kids go to college. Maybe in a perfect world they have their old home and their bedroom to come back to, but it doesn't always work out that way. And with one less person in the house there should be less utilities used, less grocery expenses, etc. There are plenty of families where a kid may have to go to community college despite being accepted to a really good school, because maybe a scholarship doesn't cover all living expenses. There are kids deferring their enrollment to work, hoping to earn money so that they can enroll next year. Complaining that child support should go towards maintaining the household and not applied forward to college seems short sided given that going to college and maintaining a household are luxuries for many families in the same position. Keep in mind, this is a travel planning board for people who plan annual or more trips to an expensive vacation destination. Many of the comments about child support and teen drivers are coming from people who can simply downsize their vacation to cover unexpected expenses. Digging in your heels on this seems like it will just end a bitter feeling. You may get more balanced opinions on a different forum, too.

 

[pweyl36]

The 18-year old cannot drive, and even though she is an "adult", she's still a child who lives at home when she's not in college. Child support doesn't end until she's 21.

If she isn't ready to drive then why are you asking for him to pay for a car?
My daughter wanted a car and she saved and bought if her self. Child support does not cover cars,only food,clothes and a roof over their heads.

 

[Claire&TheBoys]

Is the older girl's job flexible at all? Could she get a different shift so that it more lines up with the younger girl's camp times?

Beyond that, I'll stay out of it. I have zero experience with exes, child support, and custody/divorce agreements.

 

[msjprincess]

He could drive ONE of them, while I drive the other. That would cut my running around in half. Or he could drive them both, and I could pick them both up. Nevertheless, it's not happening, so not worth debating.

Do you want him to help drive them or just give you money? In the OP you said you only wanted money. Is he also off during the summer?

He flat out refused. He told me that, because I'm a teacher, I have nothing else to do all summer but drive them to their jobs/activities. I agreed, lol, but reminded him that it's MONEY I need, not time (or help with the driving). He hasn't responded. Am I out of line, asking for this???

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'm really surprised you can get child support until age 21, here it's 18 and I think that is as it should be. An 18-year-old is legally an adult, no longer a child. I can't imagine an 18-year old not having a driver's license. Any kid I've ever known is taking driver's training at age 15 and can hardly wait until the day they turn 16 and go get their license. Our kids both started jobs at age 14, we drove them or they rode with friends' parents. By age 16 they were both working part-time jobs the year 'round, and we bought older cars for them to use while they were still living at home. DS got married at 18, so our monetary obligations to him pretty much ended at that time (although we have helped out occasionally here and there). DD went to college and did use the car we had for her during that time as well, but she paid for her own gas (we paid insurance).

Our DS is divorced and pays over $800/month in child support for his 11-year-old son. He does help pay for extras, but at age 18 I'm sure most of that will stop except for helping with college expenses. I don't think parents are obligated to pay for a child's college costs, if they CAN then that is great, but if they can't that's okay too. There are grants/loans for that purpose.

I think you're very lucky to be able to get "child" support until your DD is 21, if it were me I don't think I'd be asking for many extras, especially when the "child" isn't contributing anything herself. If anyone should be helping you to pay for gas/wear and tear on your car driving your 18-year-old around it should be her.

There are many reasons an 18 year old wouldn't be driving. I can't imagine one of my kids marrying at 18. Your experience is not everyone's experience.
My son wasn't driving until he was 17.

 

[Hikergirl]

It sounds like there were alot of decisions made without thinking things through.
I think its too late to ask him for money to put in your gas tank so you can drive your kids to things that are optional.
The job transportation is your dd's responsibility regardless of the fact that she will get CS until 21. She's 18 and needs to be responsible for things like that, I don't think you should expect your dh too be. She can ask her dad for a ride though.
You said he contributed to the cost of the camp and I think his financial responsibility ends there, but as a dad he should be more than willing to help with the transportation. Its a shame he isn't but I'll just assume there are all kind of issues there.

 

[kamik86]

There are many reasons an 18 year old wouldn't be driving. I can't imagine one of my kids marrying at 18. Your experience is not everyone's experience.
My son wasn't driving until he was 17.

This does somewhat depend on where you live as well though too.

I didn't get my licence until a little after I was 17. I could have almost a year earlier. However I had two parents with cars, 2 older sisters with cars and licences that although they didn't live at home were nearby, and a boyfriend with a car. Public transportation that would at least get me pretty close to all the places I needed to go since I was lucky enough to live close enough to it and an area that is mostly safe to walk.

If you lived in NYC it would be perfectly normal not to own a car much later then if you live in the middle of no where. The OP seems to be much closer to the middle of no where, no public transportation, etc. I can see in a case of living somewhere that you don't have other options someone being told that they either have to get a licence or have to choose what they do with the ability to get their on their own in mind.

My niece doesn't drive. Due to this she is very limited on what jobs she can take and where she can apartment hunt. She lives in some of the less good areas because the better ones are either really expensive or out of the way. She is limited on jobs much more then those that are able to drive. She has to shop either on her moms grocery shopping schedule or in small trips where she can carry things or put them in her sons stroller. Not being able to drive does decrese someone's options and at 18 I'm not sure its a bad time to learn that sometimes their are downsides to choices. Espeically if she is in college. For example this is something she is going to have to think about when she starts figruing out where she wants to live if in 3 years she still can't drive.

 

[Zim]

I know this thread wrapped up eons ago (almost 24 hours! HA!), and I only glanced through the last few pages. But did anyone suggest physically meeting in the middle to get DD18 to her job? Sounds like mom is on one end and dad is on the other? That way the dad doesn't have them at his place but still provides some transportation, assuming he has the availability. But mostly I'd chalk this up to the category of lessons learned and move forward planning next Summer's agenda (and I liked that OP opted to get a little gas money from her daughters. My DD18 saves all of her summer work money for the time she is in college, but she does fill her own gas tank to get to work and back. I think it helps boost the personal responsibility quotient).

It also helps me to think big picture - as I've been divorced since our DD18 was one, and we really didn't do set child support - instead it was on an as needed basis, some months simply covering health insurance... other months covering thousands in braces. And I did add in 50 / 50 college (whew). But I have aunts and friends who have never seen Dime One so I am grateful for our generally even-steven divorce. He sees what some of his friends' wives have put them through and rarely argues and I have the peace of mind that he can never accuse me of soaking him for all he's worth and being the catalyst were he to find himself in the poor house, so to speak.

And on one final note for the OP. When your DD18 is ready to drive, I can't promote the B.R.A.K.E.S. program enough, especially for nervous drivers (or, in my case, nervous parents). Look it up, it's a non-profit run by a race car driver who lost his 15 and 17 year old sons in a car accident. He runs this program now taking kids who already have 30+ hours of drive time under their belt through a closed track simulating hydroplaning, ABS braking, swerving, overcompensating, distracted driving, etc. It's only four hours and they operate all over the country. The course is priceless, and free if you can't afford it (there is a $99 hold fee - if you don't show up you lose it and at the end of the day you can donate it if you can afford to or pick it up on your way out). putonthebrakes dot org

 

[wvjules]

Next summer the younger DD will hopefully have a license and that will help.

 

[Aliceacc]

With an eye towards next summer:

I just played on google. A number of SUNY campuses offer a summer drama camp. I have no idea how good they are, but you may want to take a look. Included are Potsdam, Purchase and a bunch of other SUNY locations.

I also found this: http://www.backstage.com/advice-for-actors/resources/15-amazing-pre-college-summer-theater-programs/

 

[dimimi]

I know you are tired of "suggestions" but the only thing I can think of is that since your daughter has earned "full tuition" (congratulations!) she does not have to go away to college. She could live at home and commute. Of course, this is is dependent on a college being nearby!

 

[Aliceacc]

^^ That would be problematic in terms of getting her to and from classes if she doesn't drive.

My next door neighbor just graduated from high school with my son. She doesn't want to go away to school, and doesn't yet drive. We're in the 'burbs, with minimal public transportation.

I have no idea how she's getting to college. I imagine her mom plans to drop her off and pick her up each day.

 

[Minnie_me]

I have to stop checking on this post, because there are way too many questions to answer.

I'm not asking Ex to buy a car for DD. Don't know where that came from.

Regarding "downsizing" after my kids go to college: I have a plan in place for when I retire from teaching in 10 years. I will not be keeping this house forever, but will keep it until then. Believe me, it's a VERY modest house. I couldn't rent an apartment for the amount I pay for this house.

This confuses me:

I know you are tired of "suggestions" but the only thing I can think of is that since your daughter has earned "full tuition" (congratulations!) she does not have to go away to college. She could live at home and commute. Of course, this is is dependent on a college being nearby!

She earned full tuition at the college she is attending. She can't commute because SHE DOES NOT DRIVE -- that has been made clear throughout this thread.

Regarding the college theatre camps ---- the closest one is Purchase, which is 8 hours away - lol.

 

[TAX GUY]

If there was public transportation or the option to car pool, would he be required or expected to pay for her bus pass/ cab fare or to help pay for car pool expenses?

I'm still curious what the answer to this would be.

Just wondering if there is any specific reason why you won't answer my question...