Shoud "Ex's" be invited to a wedding? UPDATE Post #65 3/13/11

[Gigi22]

Well, in this case, would it be possible to invite the ex-BIL to the wedding ceremony and not to the reception? The bride's DSis would of course be invited to the whole thing--and might be taking part in the ceremony. In my experience it is a lot easier to avoid someone in a church, especially with family around, than at the reception.

 

[jrmasm]

It seems odd to me that the bride would want to invite two people that might cause a scene at her wedding. Maybe she thinks they're adult enough to behave for a few hours. Or expects that they should be able to.

Or maybe she's closer to the ex bil than she is her sister.

While I can see how it might feel like a betrayal to the sister, it's still the bride's wedding so she should be able to invite whomever she wants.

 

[ilovejack02]

No way, IF bride wants to maintain any relationship with sister and or possibly the rest of her family. She may not care one bit if she breaks ties with her sister, I honestly wouldn't care if I did with mine. If she is ok with inviting the man that has hurt her sister so deeply , this just might be the case.

Until you have lived through a nasty divorce you cant imagine what the bitterness and hate do to people. Yelling and calling names in front of children is not something you want to happen at your wedding. It could might very well if drinking begins. Also , by inviting the EX BIL you are sending a loud message you are ok with how he treats your sister and her children.

In the grand scheme of things , the bride should be able to invite who she wants, but as an adult mature enough to get married she should also be able to see how this would be hurtful to her family and realize it isn't a good idea if she is close with her sister.

I have a feeling this might be a very young bride , as the "me me me" factor is jumping out at me.

 

[rie'smom]

DH and I were invited to my ex's wedding and we attended. My son from the first marriage was the ring bearer. We had a great time.

 

[LuvLDM]

You can roll your eyes all you want but until you have been through it you have NO IDEA. None.

No idea huh? Assume much?
Been there, done that...acted like a GROWN UP...my eye roll stands.

There are two sides to every story.

 

[horseshowmom]

If things were cordial between the two, then I wouldn't see a problem, but they aren't. The ex is being verbally abusive, and the sister cannot help but be very uncomfortable if he's there - understandably so. In this case, I agree that he shouldn't be invited.

I'm curious. Is there a reason that the sister still feels so close to him when she knows he's behaving this way to her sister (and in front of the children which has to be upsetting to them)? Does she consider the divorce to be her sister's fault by any chance?

 

[jrmasm]

If things were cordial between the two, then I wouldn't see a problem, but they aren't. The ex is being verbally abusive, and the sister cannot help but be very uncomfortable if he's there - understandably so. In this case, I agree that he shouldn't be invited.

I'm curious. Is there a reason that the sister still feels so close to him when she knows he's behaving this way to her sister (and in front of the children which has to be upsetting to them)? Does she consider the divorce to be her sister's fault by any chance?

Maybe I misunderstood but I got the impression that the sister said he did this not that the bride saw him do this.

As a pp said, there are always two sides.....

 

[2binak]

This is a tough one. My BIL was in my life from the time I was 2 years old (my sis was a teenager when I was born). I've never known life without him. He is like one of my brothers so I couldn't imagine him not being at my wedding. I'm guessing that the bride feels the same way about her ex-BIL.

BUT, he is supposedly being abusive to his ex-wife, the bride's sister. In my book, abuse negates any loyalty I might have towards a person so in this case, I would say no, the bride should not invite the ex-BIL.

 

[LuvLDM]

Maybe I misunderstood but I got the impression that the sister said he did this not that the bride saw him do this.

As a pp said, there are always two sides.....

This is precisely why I'm not readily assuming the ex-bil is a horrible abusive loser and the sister is just a victim in all this.
Why on earth would the bride still want to be close to a man who was abusing her sister? It doesn't make any sense.

 

[disneychic2]

Although I usually believe the bride should do what she wants for her wedding and invite whomever she wants, I think it is being insensitive to include the ex given his behavior. I only wish the sister would have had a heart to heart with the bride instead of declaring she wouldn't go.

OP are the sisters close? If so, I would think the bride's first loyalty would be to her sister. Since it is a small event, it would be very difficult to maintain the separation other posters are suggesting. The bride is just handing a weapon to the ex in the one-upsmanship department IMHO. Very sad. Hope it all works out.

 

[RadioNate]

No idea huh? Assume much?
Been there, done that...acted like a GROWN UP...my eye roll stands.

There are two sides to every story.

Well aren't you just better than the rest of us.


It doesn't matter to me whether or not the ex-BIL is an abusive loser. I'm actually willing hazard a guess that the divorce wasn't his idea since she already has a boyfriend and the ex-Bil is still acting out. I see a guy who is VERY very hurt.

HOWEVER he is still her sister's EX-husband and he should be grown up enough that if invited to NOT attend. Send a gift, take the bride and groom out to dinner to celebrate but why on earth would you go to the wedding with your entire ex-wife's family?

If he and the ex-sil are close then they ALL should be mature enough to understand that he doesn't need to be at the wedding. Truthfully, I don't see the need for the new boyfriend at the birthday party and wedding either but that is a different thread.

 

[LuvLDM]

Well aren't you just better than the rest of us.

Nope, not better just capable of behaving like an adult even if the circumstances are difficult.

 

[horseshowmom]

I'm actually willing hazard a guess that the divorce wasn't his idea since she already has a boyfriend and the ex-Bil is still acting out. I see a guy who is VERY very hurt.

HOWEVER he is still her sister's EX-husband and he should be grown up enough that if invited to NOT attend. Send a gift, take the bride and groom out to dinner to celebrate but why on earth would you go to the wedding with your entire ex-wife's family?

That's what I was wondering. That's why I asked the question I asked. If the sister was the cause of the divorce, I can understand why the bride may feel like she shouldn't have to choose between her and a former BiL that she loves.

BUT, it's still not a good idea to have him there. It just creates too much drama. Plus, if he was an injured party in the divorce, watching two other people happily being married to each other is going to be painful as well.

I just don't think it's a good idea for him to be there.

 

[castleview]

So the sister has moved onto a new man, but can't move on and be in the same room with her ex whom she has a child with?

 

[sturdypeasantstock]

The bride should invite the ex BIL. It's her decision. The sister should suck it up and sit on the other side of the room.

 

[kimmar067]

My niece is getting married and is having a small wedding and reception. Her sister recently got divorced. Her ex-husband has been involved in my niece's life since she was a child and she wants to invite him to the wedding. Meanwhile her sister is telling her that if her ex-husband is there, she will not go to the wedding!
I think my niece should not invite her ex-brother-in-law. It would be one thing if they all got along, but he has been yelling at his ex-wife (who is also my niece) and calling her names, etc. even in front of their children. Part of the problem is she has a new man in her life (they haven't been man and wife in over a year) and I'm sure he will be there too. It's a set up for disaster!

...sounds like you answered your own question...

 

[kimmar067]

So the sister has moved onto a new man, but can't move on and be in the same room with her ex whom she has a child with?

....that's what I was wondering - is the guy the father of the bride?

 

[RadioNate]

....that's what I was wondering - is the guy the father of the bride?

No he is the brides's ex-brother in law.

 

[rigs32]

Nope, not better just capable of behaving like an adult even if the circumstances are difficult.

But it doesn't sound like the bride's sister has acted out, it's the EX that's acted out. In my experiences with verbal abuse after a break-up I never yelled back. I stood there and took it until the situation was diffused or called for help. Not quite sure how I could have forced another person to acted a particular way.

 

[EllenFrasier]

Although I usually believe the bride should do what she wants for her wedding and invite whomever she wants, I think it is being insensitive to include the ex given his behavior. I only wish the sister would have had a heart to heart with the bride instead of declaring she wouldn't go.

OP are the sisters close? If so, I would think the bride's first loyalty would be to her sister. Since it is a small event, it would be very difficult to maintain the separation other posters are suggesting. The bride is just handing a weapon to the ex in the one-upsmanship department IMHO. Very sad. Hope it all works out.

OP here - yes, they are close. The one getting married is the younger sister and she says she is tired of her sister getting her own way all the time, that it's her wedding and she'll invite whomever she wants. Hopefully, their mother will be able to talk some sense into them so it all ends peacefully.