She can't do this can she??

[DisneyFan32WI]

You guys have had a very rocky relationship. There have been break-ups, switching teams, and a lot of drama. This just seems toxic. I'd go get another key made, send it to her, and wipe your hands once and for all from her.
Good luck!

 

[Holly]

This is typical of a divorce/ break up situation.

At first the people are just happy to get away from each other and then after a few months they start feeling resentful about any belongings or financial issues.

I'd make a good effort to get her the stuff. Better to try and do the right thing.

Right now, I'm not overly concerned with the financial part. She's not doing anything crazy with the bank account, and once I'm removed as an authorized user from the CC, the entire history is removed from my credit report.

Right now the more important part is making sure my belongings are secured. I'm debating about sending the key to a friend down there to go check on it. But I'd really prefer to not have the key out of my possession.

The other part that worries me, is we previously had a storage unit there together. I just hope that the girl at the front desk actually looks at the papers to see she's not an authorized person to access the unit. Instead of just assuming.

You say you aren't overly concerned with the financial part- why not?

If you were an authorized user on the accounts, how much of the debt is your responsibility?

If you ran up a lot of that debt, are you okay with just trying to have your name removed from the accounts and leaving your ex to pay it all off and/ or have her credit ruined?

If that's the case- please rethink that.

 

[Green Tea]

Right now, I'm not overly concerned with the financial part. She's not doing anything crazy with the bank account, and once I'm removed as an authorized user from the CC, the entire history is removed from my credit report.

Right now the more important part is making sure my belongings are secured. I'm debating about sending the key to a friend down there to go check on it. But I'd really prefer to not have the key out of my possession.

The other part that worries me, is we previously had a storage unit there together. I just hope that the girl at the front desk actually looks at the papers to see she's not an authorized person to access the unit. Instead of just assuming.

I really don't think saying you want off the credit card is as easy as you saying you want off the credit card. She could go buy a car or whatever else she wanted on that card, walk away and leave you responsible for the debt. If walking away from joint credit was as easy as going into a branch and saying "You know what, I don't want to be on this card anymore, please just take my name off," no one would be in any financial trouble.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

Most banks won't remove a name from an account, unless it's a business or an organization. In all likelihood, that account is going to need to be closed.

 

[kirbsam]

i agree witht he posters that say, let her go get her stuff. then this is one thing that you can finally wipe from hyour plate, because we all know that there will be something else right around the corner. wouldnt surprise me if you are not returning her stuff in order to keep some kind of a relationship with her. either cut the ties or quit the drama. not trying to be harsh, but you need a dose of toughness and not the coddling that the dis keeps giving you.

 

[scrapquitler]

You have joint credit cars that are not being paid? Yep, you're screwed. Seriously. If you were intertwined as a married couple, you needed legal representation at the breakup, just like a divorce. Anything and everything she is doing in her new relationship, financially, still comes back to you.

THis. If she won't call the credit card company because 'they will start asking for money', then she is likely not paying the bills, and it IS going to affect your credit rating, too. And as for the bank account, even if you don't use it, your name being on it can be a problem because if she starts bouncing checks, YOUR name will end up in ChexSystems and you won't be able to get a checking account yourself. And you could be liable for any overdrafts she makes.

The bank or credit union should be able to remove your name from the account if you send them a certified letter. It shouldn't matter if you go into the branch or not. They CAN do it by mail (I used to work in a bank, and people used to move and then close accounts by mail all the time).

Keep written records of everything. Make requests to be removed from these accounts, IN WRITING, BY CERTIFIED MAIL and keep copies.

As to the 'stuff', it might be worth buying her a camcorder and a tent and sending them to her. Maybe find those games on Ebay again, buy them and give them to her. Or offer her some financial incentive to go away over the material things.

 

[scrapquitler]

Right now, I'm not overly concerned with the financial part. She's not doing anything crazy with the bank account, and once I'm removed as an authorized user from the CC, the entire history is removed from my credit report.

That's not how it works, especially if she's late in paying.

 

[dakcp2001]

I am not familiar with the OP, but this thread seems to have taken a turn for the mean. Is there some history here that I am unaware of?

 

[phamton]

My question is who paid for the stuff? If she did, then I would give it back to her. It is the right thing to do. Legally, if you were a couple then perhaps you own them jointly (I don't know Florida law) but, regardless of whatever the law is, I would feel a moral obligation to return them to her. You have stated in the past that she was often working 60 hours a week as a castmember and you were seldom working at all. I'm assuming that she paid for almost everything herself so just give her the stuff and move on. You aren't going to be using the cheap Christmas lights anyway so let her have them.

 

[okeydokey]

Send her the key and let her get her things. When you get back to FL you can get the rest. There is no need to keep her stuff until whenever you feel like letting her have it. That is unreasonable and she can certainly make sure the authorities know that. Since everything was bought with her money, she should be able to claim her stuff.

You both need to move on and the sooner you dissolve everything, the better.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

Most banks won't remove a name from an account, unless it's a business or an organization. In all likelihood, that account is going to need to be closed.

I've been in banking for 17 years, you can get yourself removed from a personal account too - but new signature cards have to be signed.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I am not familiar with the OP, but this thread seems to have taken a turn for the mean. Is there some history here that I am unaware of?

Yes, loads of it. Search if you are in the mood for a soap opera.

Sandra--my advice is to find a way to give her her things. You could have sorted out the items back when you broke up as easily as she could. Why didn't you only take things which were clearly yours to lock in storage?

 

[bumbershoot]

My question is who paid for the stuff? If she did, then I would give it back to her. It is the right thing to do. Legally, if you were a couple then perhaps you own them jointly (I don't know Florida law) but, regardless of whatever the law is, I would feel a moral obligation to return them to her. You have stated in the past that she was often working 60 hours a week as a castmember and you were seldom working at all. I'm assuming that she paid for almost everything herself so just give her the stuff and move on. You aren't going to be using the cheap Christmas lights anyway so let her have them.

OK, let's tell a different story.

My husband and I lived together before marriage, and I quit my job a year before our wedding. He's been supporting me since 2002. If we were to break up, would I need to give him back every single thing he bought me, because it was his money?

oh wait, we could get married. So someone will say that because we are married it changes things.

So family friends of ours have been together since the 60s. They did get married around 5 years ago for insurance reasons after the man retired, but they weren't married the rest of that time. I have never known the woman to work outside the home. If he gave her gifts, if they had broken up, should she give them back?

Why are people so MEAN to Sandra about not having worked nonstop during their relationship? It always feels like there's a heavy dose of prejudice when people talk about their relationship, because people would NEVER say the things they say to her, to me if hubby and I broke up.

i agree witht he posters that say, let her go get her stuff. then this is one thing that you can finally wipe from hyour plate, because we all know that there will be something else right around the corner. wouldnt surprise me if you are not returning her stuff in order to keep some kind of a relationship with her. either cut the ties or quit the drama. not trying to be harsh, but you need a dose of toughness and not the coddling that the dis keeps giving you.

People want her ex, who was not allll that nice to her post-breakup, and the ex's new sig other to have access to SANDRA's stuff???? Seriously?

So if someone here breaks up with their sig o, they'd just let their ex and ex's new paramour dig through their stuff? I highly doubt it.

Sandra was broken up with, and now that there's a new person, things have changed. She doesn't want her ex to have access to her stuff, and she did quite a lot to get things back to her ex before temporarily moving elsewhere. Sandra knows she is trustworthy, and things are safe and sound in the storage unit right now. She doesn't know that the ex is trustworthy, and especially not the new person.


Now...if Sandra has some 100% trusted friends that could accompany Kari to the unit, that might work. Someone to get the key and stand right there, with some sort of knowledge of what is Kari's and what isn't.... Might be an idea.

 

[SandrA9810]

Thank you Bumbershoot. My questions were answered on the first page, and it's pretty much all I have to say about this.

She had an opportunity to deal with this 5 months ago. And I was also gone for a month (between Texas and California) prior to moving out. I didn't put anything into storage until the final two weeks before leaving. She had every chance to take what she wanted, go through my boxes that I had packed.

At least I didn't pack a truck and haul it all off to another state. And I'm still giving her a final chance to go through it with me when I get there. As long as she stays in touch.

There's plenty of things in there that I feel are of value enough to pay for this monthly. And make sure it stays secure the way I left it.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OK, let's tell a different story.

My husband and I lived together before marriage, and I quit my job a year before our wedding. He's been supporting me since 2002. If we were to break up, would I need to give him back every single thing he bought me, because it was his money?

oh wait, we could get married. So someone will say that because we are married it changes things.

So family friends of ours have been together since the 60s. They did get married around 5 years ago for insurance reasons after the man retired, but they weren't married the rest of that time. I have never known the woman to work outside the home. If he gave her gifts, if they had broken up, should she give them back?

Why are people so MEAN to Sandra about not having worked nonstop during their relationship? It always feels like there's a heavy dose of prejudice when people talk about their relationship, because people would NEVER say the things they say to her, to me if hubby and I broke up.

I disagree. I have seen nearly every poster who is familiar with Sandra's history think there were many things very off about her part in that relationship--including many who are themselves not legally allowed to marry. Sandra's and her partner's genders have no relationship at all to what I think about how things were handled in that relationship (other than occasionally pointing out how the legality is, sadly, affected since she could not marry Kari legally). Seriously, they don't--I have more gay friends than straight (I don't really know why-it just seems to work out that way) and a huge supporter (in money and time) in that civil rights movement. I am hyper sensitive about bias in this area--and do not think this is the case with MOST posters on this one particular issue.

 

[kirbsam]

OK, let's tell a different story.

My husband and I lived together before marriage, and I quit my job a year before our wedding. He's been supporting me since 2002. If we were to break up, would I need to give him back every single thing he bought me, because it was his money?

oh wait, we could get married. So someone will say that because we are married it changes things.

So family friends of ours have been together since the 60s. They did get married around 5 years ago for insurance reasons after the man retired, but they weren't married the rest of that time. I have never known the woman to work outside the home. If he gave her gifts, if they had broken up, should she give them back?

Why are people so MEAN to Sandra about not having worked nonstop during their relationship? It always feels like there's a heavy dose of prejudice when people talk about their relationship, because people would NEVER say the things they say to her, to me if hubby and I broke up.





People want her ex, who was not allll that nice to her post-breakup, and the ex's new sig other to have access to SANDRA's stuff???? Seriously?

So if someone here breaks up with their sig o, they'd just let their ex and ex's new paramour dig through their stuff? I highly doubt it.

Sandra was broken up with, and now that there's a new person, things have changed. She doesn't want her ex to have access to her stuff, and she did quite a lot to get things back to her ex before temporarily moving elsewhere. Sandra knows she is trustworthy, and things are safe and sound in the storage unit right now. She doesn't know that the ex is trustworthy, and especially not the new person.

not even close to comparing appples to apples. she is the one who is dragging this part out by taking HER stuff and keeping it and not giving it back to her when she asks. we all have the right to give our opinion because all these over dramatic situations play out for us right in the comfort of our living rooms...

dont forget you are only hearing one side of the story.

 

[DeniseinNS]

You say here http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2353489 in post 14 that you don't care to have ANY of the stuff that you got together or any of the stuff that you brought into the relationship either. If you don't want anything then why even get a storage unit in the first place???? I'd give her the key and let her take her stuff.

 

[Northstar]

I think she is lucky that you didn't just leave all her stuff... the stuff YOU decided was her stuff...on the lawn for the trashmen when you moved.

If you notified her that you were moving, and gave her reasonable opportunities to sort through all the stuff, she has no reason to expect that you would store everything for her, and then make it instantly available on her timetable.

I admit, I'm biased... I had a college roommate who moved out on me, leaving all her junk AND her cat in the apartment. She flitted around the country having a grand time. I got phone calls every few months. Then I had to move out of the apartment. Told her when, told her she had to make arrangements to get her stuff. She didn't. So, moving day came. No way was I going to pack up her stuff and drag it around with me. Not my responsibility. I did take the cat... he was family. The rest went to the curb.

Of course, a few months later I got a hysterical phone call. She couldn't believe I didn't TAKE CARE of the stuff she had ENTRUSTED me with. (She didn't want the cat. Good thing, because I wouldn't have given him back to her.)

Seriously, you do have to divide the stuff. But not at her convenience. She didn't do it when you wanted to, now she can wait. If she names specific things she wants, and you know where they are and agree that she can have them, send a trusted friend the key, have them go with her to the unit, and be in cell phone contact while they are actually in the unit getting stuff.

 

[disykat]

I'm honestly trying to get how giving her 5 months to get her stuff and the opportunity to get it later was not enough for some people?

 

[phamton]

OK, let's tell a different story.

My husband and I lived together before marriage, and I quit my job a year before our wedding. He's been supporting me since 2002. If we were to break up, would I need to give him back every single thing he bought me, because it was his money?

I am addressing Sandra's situation and her situation only and what I would do. Not what is legal. If I were in a relationship in my twenties with no children and my spouse or partner worked such long hours and begged me to get a job to help out, I would not feel that morally I had a right to take things. It would be different if I was older or had lived together for twenty years or had kids to support.

In my situation, I was divorced at 34 years old with three young kids to raise. I had worked most of our married life as a teacher, usually making more money than my husband. He worked off and on. When we split, I let him take anything he needed to start a new life which was almost half of our assets. He never paid a cent of child support and I didn't take him to court for it. Later he gave up his rights to the kids on his own and not from pressure from me or anyone else. I didn't fight him on any of those issues because I knew I would take care of my kids no matter what. It was the moral thing to do and not necessarily the legal thing to do. A year later, I met someone else and we married and he adopted the children. I felt like karma came back on me.

oh wait, we could get married. So someone will say that because we are married it changes things.

Whether they are married or not, makes no difference in my mind. Sandra is still not working and needs to depend on others for her support. It's time for her to learn to support herself but instead just seems to fall back into the same situation of depending on others to take care of her. It's time to be an adult, sooner rather than later. This isn't mean. I'm telling my own son this also and I love him. He's 23 years old and still not self-supporting. He needs to do this even though he has no spouse/partner or children. He needs it to make himself feel proud.

Why are people so MEAN to Sandra about not having worked nonstop during their relationship? It always feels like there's a heavy dose of prejudice when people talk about their relationship, because people would NEVER say the things they say to her, to me if hubby and I broke up.

I would say the same thing to her face. I am not being harsh. If she truly wants to get on with her life, then stop fighting over material things that can be replaced. Life is too short.