Sensitive questions about assault crimes

[NotUrsula]

Well, NOW the French are less tolerant, they have the same kind of viral news culture that we do, and secrets are correspondingly harder to keep. His reputation as a sleaze is now much more widely known than it was then, and if the situation were happening now I'm sure that it wouldn't be swept under the rug nearly as easily as it might have been 10 years ago.

I should also note that I don't think that the average man on the street in France would want to defend him at all; it's more a cultural tradition of not revealing the dirty laundry of those in power just for the heck of doing it. The French may be much more respectful of the divide between the public life and the personal life of officials, but turning a blind eye to someone having affairs (and even children) on the side is not at all the same thing as condoning aggravated rape.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Original question: I am 41 years old and had an incident recently happen in a Dr's office (not physical but verbal and very bad) that I told my DH who said "I can't believe you didn't tear him apart" and I told my family Dr. another male, who was supportive & said he believes me & took a statement that is currently being shelved at my request. Both are encouraging me to file a formal complaint but I am struggling with the choice because I can't bear the thought of being called a liar, and of course that is what will happen because no-one ever admits to being a lunatic. I Googled the Dr who gets 5 stars, everyone loves him and who am I, just some lady that everyone is going to say is making it up to get money, was turned down, fill in the blank. I am on the fence because on one hand DH & Dr are right, my complaint should be a matter of record so the next person is believed, but on the other hand, the incident brings up so many bad feelings and thoughts that even the thought is painful. I am working up the nerve but it's been 2 months. I know in my head what the guy did was all him but inside something else entirely different is going on... I feel like damaged goods because I KNOW what I should be able to do but I can't seem to bring myself to do it which makes me wonder what's wrong with me.... I'm a flippin mess because for me, old coping mechanisms are comforting, which means denial - denial - denial In fact as I write this I realize I have not given the incident a moments thought in about a month, my brain seems to be on auto pilot, and the realization makes me feel guilty which makes things worse causing more distress and round & round I go, I am stuck in some kind of loop.

 

[cabanafrau]

Thank goodness this is something I have never experienced (although I have had some close friends that have gone through this).

Please correct me if I am wrong, but I imagine that most women don't really like the thought of being victimized all over again by our legal system.

First you are sexually assaulted, then you have an invasive exam and then you have to go to court and face your attacker while their lawyer tries to slander your character.

It is my understanding that a victim's sexual history can be brought up in court? Or am I wrong about this?

I don't believe this is allowed in European courts, but I could be mistaken.

Once again, I have never been through this, so I can only surmise that this is one of the reasons why sexual assault is under reported.

Sometimes a victim's sexual history can be brought up in court, sometimes not. This issue would be argued extensively in motions for months & months before a trial.

It is a lot easier to get a victim's sexual history in than it is to get a Defendant's arrest or conviction history in, prior bad acts. Hardly seems fair.

 

[Goofyluver]

Reporting Rape (from RAINN)

Many victims say that reporting is the last thing they want to do right after being attacked. That's perfectly understandable — reporting can seem invasive, time consuming and difficult.

And...

Just over half of rape victims don't report the crime. However reporting is up substantially in the last decade.

And finally...

The most common reason given by victims (23%) is that the rape is a "personal matter." Another 16% of victims say that they fear reprisal, while about 6% don't report because they believe that the police are biased.

 

[Goofyluver]

Original question: I am 41 years old and had an incident recently happen in a Dr's office (not physical but verbal and very bad) that I told my DH who said "I can't believe you didn't tear him apart" and I told my family Dr. another male, who was supportive & said he believes me & took a statement that is currently being shelved at my request. Both are encouraging me to file a formal complaint but I am struggling with the choice because I can't bear the thought of being called a liar, and of course that is what will happen because no-one ever admits to being a lunatic. I Googled the Dr who gets 5 stars, everyone loves him and who am I, just some lady that everyone is going to say is making it up to get money, was turned down, fill in the blank. I am on the fence because on one hand DH & Dr are right, my complaint should be a matter of record so the next person is believed, but on the other hand, the incident brings up so many bad feelings and thoughts that even the thought is painful. I am working up the nerve but it's been 2 months. I know in my head what the guy did was all him but inside something else entirely different is going on... I feel like damaged goods because I KNOW what I should be able to do but I can't seem to bring myself to do it which makes me wonder what's wrong with me.... I'm a flippin mess because for me, old coping mechanisms are comforting, which means denial - denial - denial In fact as I write this I realize I have not given the incident a moments thought in about a month, my brain seems to be on auto pilot, and the realization makes me feel guilty which makes things worse causing more distress and round & round I go, I am stuck in some kind of loop.

You have NOTHING to feel guilt over. Nothing.

 

[TinkTock]

The French are not the only ones. American journalists are saying it, too. This man is a LOT more important and powerful than Roman Polanski. Most believe that the judge considered the Polanski situation when he chose to deny bail. The man is too famous to easily hide; it isn't that they think that they wouldn't be able to find him if he ran.

I don't think we have an extradition treaty with France, so he wouldn't have to hide. He would just have to get to France and convince his powerful friends not to send him back here to face trial.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Original question: I am 41 years old and had an incident recently happen in a Dr's office (not physical but verbal and very bad) that I told my DH who said "I can't believe you didn't tear him apart" and I told my family Dr. another male, who was supportive & said he believes me & took a statement that is currently being shelved at my request. Both are encouraging me to file a formal complaint but I am struggling with the choice because I can't bear the thought of being called a liar, and of course that is what will happen because no-one ever admits to being a lunatic. I Googled the Dr who gets 5 stars, everyone loves him and who am I, just some lady that everyone is going to say is making it up to get money, was turned down, fill in the blank. I am on the fence because on one hand DH & Dr are right, my complaint should be a matter of record so the next person is believed, but on the other hand, the incident brings up so many bad feelings and thoughts that even the thought is painful. I am working up the nerve but it's been 2 months. I know in my head what the guy did was all him but inside something else entirely different is going on... I feel like damaged goods because I KNOW what I should be able to do but I can't seem to bring myself to do it which makes me wonder what's wrong with me.... I'm a flippin mess because for me, old coping mechanisms are comforting, which means denial - denial - denial In fact as I write this I realize I have not given the incident a moments thought in about a month, my brain seems to be on auto pilot, and the realization makes me feel guilty which makes things worse causing more distress and round & round I go, I am stuck in some kind of loop.

I'm sorry for what you went through. I think a lot of women don't report assault crimes because of the the reasons you listed. They have seen cases where the victim is victimized again and they don't want to go through it. I think they are very legitimate concerns.

I hope you find strength and peace.

 

[OceanAnnie]

DKS is out now on $6 million dollar bail.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...MF-boss-arrive-court-appeal-bail-hearing.html

 

[Carly_Roach]

Many victims do not report because they want to "put the incident away". It's a self-defense mechanism.

Agreed. Why would I want to live that incident over and over again?

It is this but before this cames shame. And then, embarrassment. The final nail is that no one believes you the first time you tell someone.

Or worse, not only will people not believe you, they'll make fun of you or tell you that you deserved it if you ever say anything. Especially if your opinion on other matters (totally not related to sexual assault) differs from theirs.

It was nearly 10 years ago, and at that time in France she knew that the accusation would most likely not be believed, let alone prosecuted. What's the point of putting your career on the line if you know there isn't a snowball's chance that the accused will be convicted?

That's what stopped me from reporting anything. I had an incident happen at work around 2000, a time when I was going through some difficult life changes and a sexual assault was the last thing I needed. I knew not only would no one believe me, but Michigan is an at-will state and they'd let me go. That's when I'd lose my house, my car, everything. So I sucked it up, altered my path so I'd never be alone with him again, and moved on with my life as best as I could.

A few years later he tried to do the same thing to another woman at work. But she was a newly wed 19 y/o instead of a 30-something, outspoken single girl. She was quiet, kept to herself and appeared to be perfectly happy in her job with no outward indication of wanting to "claw her way to the top", thus she was more believeable in the company's eyes. He was fired and investigated by the police. I lost track of the story after that, and good riddance to bad rubbish.

When I made the mistake of mentioning it online five years later, that's when the taunts, barbs and accusations of my character began. It taught me to never, EVER speak about it online ever again. I only bring it up because what NotUrsula said is absolutely true: if no good will come of your reporting it, and only bad things will happen to you if you dare, then I totally get why women don't report these things.

 

[horseshowmom]

Original question: I am 41 years old and had an incident recently happen in a Dr's office (not physical but verbal and very bad) that I told my DH who said "I can't believe you didn't tear him apart" and I told my family Dr. another male, who was supportive & said he believes me & took a statement that is currently being shelved at my request. Both are encouraging me to file a formal complaint but I am struggling with the choice because I can't bear the thought of being called a liar, and of course that is what will happen because no-one ever admits to being a lunatic. I Googled the Dr who gets 5 stars, everyone loves him and who am I, just some lady that everyone is going to say is making it up to get money, was turned down, fill in the blank. I am on the fence because on one hand DH & Dr are right, my complaint should be a matter of record so the next person is believed, but on the other hand, the incident brings up so many bad feelings and thoughts that even the thought is painful. I am working up the nerve but it's been 2 months. I know in my head what the guy did was all him but inside something else entirely different is going on... I feel like damaged goods because I KNOW what I should be able to do but I can't seem to bring myself to do it which makes me wonder what's wrong with me.... I'm a flippin mess because for me, old coping mechanisms are comforting, which means denial - denial - denial In fact as I write this I realize I have not given the incident a moments thought in about a month, my brain seems to be on auto pilot, and the realization makes me feel guilty which makes things worse causing more distress and round & round I go, I am stuck in some kind of loop.

I would file a complaint with the medical board. I say this as a 51 year old woman who wishes I had been able to do something all those years ago. Something recently came up that caused me to have to deal with it all over again. Like you, I was stuck in that loop for several months until I was able to work my way out. This doctor should not be able to do what he did to you to others (and I can promise you that you are not the only one it's happened to). I know that it's a hard decision to make though.

 

[TLSnell1981]

Many victims do not report because they want to "put the incident away". It's a self-defense mechanism.

ITA. Forget about it and it will go away. Although, that doesn't work.

LuvOrlando, just a thought, has he done this before, will he do it again? How would you feel, if he did? I doubt, you are the only one.

 

[NotUrsula]

I don't think we have an extradition treaty with France, so he wouldn't have to hide. He would just have to get to France and convince his powerful friends not to send him back here to face trial.

Which is exactly the point I was trying to make -- with any other flight risk the issue would be "if he gets away, he will hide and we'll have to find him", but with someone like this, prosecutors know that the issue is that if he gets away he will be able to cross into a place where the government would protect him from prosecution regardless of what he did or did not do.

Now that he is being placed under monitored house arrest in NYC, it will be interesting to see how well the the technology works. Unless there is a guard outside his door 24/7, he could probably still escape even with a bracelet because he has the means. He could be helicoptered from the roof to a private plane and possibly be out of US airspace before the authorities could scramble to catch him -- it's not like it is likely that the Air Force would be called out to force the plane down. (They would do that to stop a terrorist, but I don't think they would expend those very expensive resources over stopping an accused rapist.)

 

[tlbwriter]

A practical French mother who knows her way around the French courts and the French media. It was nearly 10 years ago, and at that time in France she knew that the accusation would most likely not be believed, let alone prosecuted. What's the point of putting your career on the line if you know there isn't a snowball's chance that the accused will be convicted? Here, just accusing a politician of something like that is usually enough to ruin him, but in France in 2002? Not at all the same. SHE would have been the one on trial, and her mother knew it. (The account I read quoted the journalist as saying that he agreed to interview her at a location of his choosing, that turned out to be an apartment that contained only a couple of chairs, a bed and a video camera on a tripod. She voluntarily stayed and tried to do the interview anyway. A French court would probably have considered that to be implied consent.)

This. It's sad but true - she had much to lose, and very little chance of gaining anything.

The French are not the only ones. American journalists are saying it, too. This man is a LOT more important and powerful than Roman Polanski. Most believe that the judge considered the Polanski situation when he chose to deny bail.

Interesting, I hadn't heard that. The initial decision to deny bail seemed reasonable to me considering his position and resources. And now that he's given up his passport, the decision to grant bail seems equally reasonable.

 

[eliza61]

Which is exactly the point I was trying to make -- with any other flight risk the issue would be "if he gets away, he will hide and we'll have to find him", but with someone like this, prosecutors know that the issue is that if he gets away he will be able to cross into a place where the government would protect him from prosecution regardless of what he did or did not do.

Now that he is being placed under monitored house arrest in NYC, it will be interesting to see how well the the technology works. Unless there is a guard outside his door 24/7, he could probably still escape even with a bracelet because he has the means. He could be helicoptered from the roof to a private plane and possibly be out of US airspace before the authorities could scramble to catch him -- it's not like it is likely that the Air Force would be called out to force the plane down. (They would do that to stop a terrorist, but I don't think they would expend those very expensive resources over stopping an accused rapist.)

He has to have 2 armed guards at all times. He also had to surrender his passport and visa. Not sure if he has enough pull to get a private plane to fly him out of NY. I was in the city Monday and his face has been plastered all over NYC. I can't even begin to think of how much trouble a pilot would be in, if he knowingly flew this guy out of the country.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110520/ap_on_re_us/imf_leader_assault_36

 

[Sparx]

Most rapes are not reported, and its pretty obvious why. Every time a woman reports being raped in the media every Joe Somebody on the street becomes a legal expert. Everyone has an opinion about if she's lying or not (not if he did it, just if SHE lied about it). Everyone has an opinion about if she was drunk, how she looks, what was she wearing, what did she say to him, did she fight back "hard enough" blah blah blah.

And out of the less than 40% reported rapes, less than 10% will ever see a conviction, and most of those will spend less than a year in jail.

Most women don't want to go through the most horrible moment of their entire lives being ripped apart for public consumption, only for nothing to come out of it. And I can't blame them at all.

If rape was a serious crime, in the eyes of the legal system, if rapists were convicted and heavily punished, if victims weren't berated and harassed maybe more women would report their rapes.

 

[Sparx]

Fear. It took me 25 years to tell anyone, and that was only b/c I found out the guy had died.

I was only 10 at the time though, so different scenario.

I now live with the guilt that he may have done it to others, and had I told he might not of. But I have to forgive my 10 year old self for that.

Someone hurt you. Its not your fault if he hurt anyone else. The burden to stop him was not on a child's shoulders. He attacked you. It was not your responsiblity to stop him. Its his responsiblity to not hurt you.