Semantics question.....what does this mean?

[bicker]

I experience her as controlling, manipulative, unforgiving, and unable to keep a promise.

And so it is perfectly understandable and natural to portray her that way. Don't let anyone try to turn that into a personal dig against you, Minnie.

 

[Maleficent13]

I had a whole long post typed, but decided it could be best summed up with, "Oh, for pity's sake!"

 

[ohiominnie]

I will admit that I did get heated after she called me rude and disrespectful. I probably lived up to the label she gave me after that. (don't they say not to label people or they'll live up to your expectations???) Anyway, I have apologized for things over and over. I've admitted I was wrong in several emails. I have apologized for my confusion and my ignorance on certain subjects. I have also taken the opportunities to praise the good things she has done (i.e. she raised a WONDERFUL son even though there was a lot of pain and suffering in her life and she did it as a single mom)

Dh thinks I should be a grown up and forgive her. My point with that is she has never ONCE said anything close to "I'm sorry." I know, biblically, that we should forgive people, but I have a very hard time forgiving someone who isn't sorry. Besides, then she'll feel like she can treat me like that again and there will be no repercussions for her.

I don't wanna be a grown up. I want to whine and complain on the DIS!

 

[bicker]

Just taking another angle on this -- I take it as my personal responsibility to be the liaison between my wife and my mother. Even when the two have diametrically oppositional requirements, my job is to make them both feel good about the situation. So tell DH to get busy!

 

[poohandwendy]

Which is really important in witch-hunt threads like this.

If you weren't there, you only have the OP's side of the story to go on, and that's what is most dangerous about threads like this. As I said in my first message, I'm going to disagree with the prevailing perspective. And I'm doing that simply because there is so often a lack of perspective in threads like this.

Regardless, taking the OP's own situation out of it, my point that "I perceive you as rude" is better than "You are rude" shouldn't be lost in the desire to attack the OP's MIL at all costs.

I have found, in my personal experience, that people who judge others for taking responsibility for their own feelings, are missing the boat. YMMV.

You are correct about one thing, my mileage does vary, LOL.

I do not think it is remotely difficult to know when someone is using language as a tool to attack and when people are using language to take personal responsibility.

Because this is not a congressional hearing, nor is this forum going to repair or split the personal relationshps being discussed, I feel comfortable giving the OP the benefit of the doubt.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Dh thinks I should be a grown up and forgive her. ....

You should "Forgive Her".

Huge red flag here.
Bickers post regarding his position between his parents and his wife is correct.

Your husband should be forefront to protect his wife.

IMHO, I cannot envision going to movie or a restaurant with my DH and him not being sitting beside me???? I am seriously wondering just where is your DH in all of this.

These kinds of things are never inlaw-issues, they are Marriage Issues.

It is NOT wise for you to deal with your husbands mother alone.
It is NOT wise for your husband to put his mothers feelings ahead of his wifes.

If your MIL actually called you derogatory words and said "I am done with you", Then HE should be the one contacting his mother and calmly asking that she apologize to you, or he and his wife and children would not be seeing her again, and inviting any more of that unacceptable behavior.

You have mentioned how your faith has come into play here...
Well, the Bible says that a husband and wife are to be as one...
If somebody insults the wife, the husband should also feel insulted as well.
He should want to protect his wife as his own flesh.
The Scriptures say that a man and woman should leave their parents and cleave to one another.

I am speaking from experience here.
My FIL treated me disrespectully. My DH who had always been close to his parents expected me to 'forgive' and 'be the bigger person', etc... Well, finally the time came when FIL let loose with comments similar to what you are describing, and worse.

I explained to DH that this would be the LAST time that I would see his FIL.
I explained to him that this was a HUGE problem in our marriage that he could purposefully subject me to that kind of disrespectful and verbally abusive treatment by his father. I told him that I had just set my limit, and that it was OVER.

As far as how to handle it with your MIL, as has been mentioned in other recent threads... JUST WALK AWAY. Who cares what 'she experiences'???? Don't bother letting her get to you.... Again, WHO CARES!!!! Believe me, once you catch on to this concept, it is sooooo freeing!!!

If it continues to be a 'situation', then inform you DH that he must be the one to deal with it. Do not let him hang you out to dry by leaving you to deal with his mother who has stated that she 'is done with you'.

I would not have any further personal one-on-one contact with MIL at this point.

 

[bicker]

Bickers post regarding his position between his parents and his wife is correct. Your husband should be forefront to protect his wife. ... These kinds of things are never inlaw-issues, they are Marriage Issues.
It is NOT wise for you to deal with your husbands mother alone.
It is NOT wise for your husband to put his mothers feelings ahead of his wifes.

Yes, I should have gone into more detail about this. I totally agree. If my mother ever makes me choose between her and my wife, well .... sorry Mom!

 

[Beth76]

Bicker, that's a craptacular answer.

OMG! I literally spit my coffee back into my cup. '

ETA: Bicker, sorry, the MIL was being passive aggressive. Whenever you say "you are rude" or any sort of variation it means that you think that person is rude. That's stating an opinion, not a fact. MIL was trying to put some sort of psychobabble spin on that to make her look good, but she failed. Because it all means the same thing. She called the OP rude. Which is fine; that's her right to think that. We all have different opinions on people.

BTW, OP, congrats on "being done" with the MIL.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Not exactly: Rather, what I said was that no one can hurt you by what they say -- instead you choose to be hurt by what they say. The responsibility for the (emotional) hurt is yours, alone. (If they say thing about you, to others, that's a completely different story.)

I'm experiencing a different perspective. I'll agree to disagree with you.

IMO, people are responsible for what they say. Sticking an, "I'm experiencing" phrase in front of an insult doesn't lessen the damage to a relationship. I AM curious about the above, if someone says something to your face you can choose to let it bother you or not. But it's a completely different story if they say it about you to someone else? I don't understand that line of thinking.

OP, sounds like you have been (and are still) in a rough ride. Be true and good to yourself and your marriage.

 

[bicker]

I'm experiencing a different perspective. I'll agree to disagree with you.

That's always a fine option!

IMO, people are responsible for what they say.

Saying something, and not saying something when there is something to be said, aren't really very different. Let's assume that the sentiment of animosity exists, not talking about it is actually the irresponsible approach.

I AM curious about the above, if someone says something to your face you can choose to let it bother you or not. But it's a completely different story if they say it about you to someone else? I don't understand that line of thinking.

I'm not sure I understand your confusion. It seems pretty basic to me. Talking to someone honestly about your feelings about your relationship with them is forthright. Talking to someone else about your feelings about someone is gossip.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'm not sure I understand your confusion. It seems pretty basic to me. Talking to someone honestly about your feelings about your relationship with them is forthright. Talking to someone else about your feelings about someone is gossip.

Well, IMO it's gossip if it's hurtful or harmful. Otherwise it's just idle talk. I'll agree to disagree with you on this one too.

 

[bicker]

Granted: Gossip or idle talk -- either. My main point, though, was that talking to someone honestly about your feelings about your relationship with them is forthright.