Selfish or Overbearing?

[SlightlyGoofy]

I just found out that there is a chance that my dd might be taking her family to DW in 2005. I am hoping that I might be allowed to sort of tag along so that I could spend some time with my grandsons there.

A bit of background, I am not close to my dd even though I would love to be. I try terribly hard not to be a meddling mil or whatever. I hardly ever call their home and never 'drop by'. I am seldom not available when they need someone to watch the boys and even have taken care of them daily for a year or summer at a time. I always back the parents even when I might disagree privately.

On a previous trip we drove down while they flew and we picked them up at the airport, dropped them off at their resort and left them alone except for a couple of days when we took care of the boys while they attended meetings. I know the sil was worried that we would butt into their vacation.

I have helped to raise the grandsons and we have watched the DW videos of the parks over and over. On each of their first trips they knew about the parks than their parents and were very comfortable because of this. My sil hates DW. My health will not allow me to be able to take the boys on my own and this could well be my last chance to spend time with them in our favorite place and show them the small delights that I feel they would especially enjoy.

I really try very hard not to cause problems but my heart is aching to be able to show the boys (they are pretty fond of me) around some. Is there anyway I could accomplish this without causing trouble or am I just being selfish and overbearing?

I am able and willing to pay my own way, stay at a different resort and will take whatever few hours the parents would be willing to share with me.

SG/Linda

 

[Beth76]

I would ask your daughter if she would like you to go down there with them (in a different room of course) so that you could watch your grandson's for awhile and allow your daughter and her husband some time alone. If she says no, then tell her to think about it, that you would really love to be able to spend some time there with your grandsons and then leave it at that. I wouldn't persist any further.

I'm not really into traveling with my parents either. But, my sister and I have talked about all of us going down and then my parents could take the kids for a day and then maybe an evening or two. The rest of the time we would be on our own.

 

[disykat]

I think it's wonderful that you want to spend time with your grandchildren, but I really can't think of way to invite yourself to join someone's vacation without being seen as overbearing. While I can see that you will be sad not to go along, I hope that you are able to vent here and then put on a happy face and wish them well on their trip.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You can mention it to them, no harm in that really. But be prepared for a "no" and be willing to accept it graciously.

 

[Jim from Jersey]

I will be at WDW on Saturday with my 2 yo daughter, my wife and her parents and we are all staying in the same room at the Vistana ---YIKES.....I know. I get along pretty well with my in-laws
but sometimes my MIL can be a little overbearing. However, I look at it like this; they are in their mid 70's and should be allowed to spend this kind of quality time with their grandaughter. Do I like the whole situation......not 100%, but I am willing to GRIN and BEAR it! LOL Somehow you have to get on the topic of them going to WDW and kind of throw in some hints about going along. The idea of having a baby sitter there so they can do things on their own is very enticing.........at least it was for me! Try talking to your son alone. Let him know how you feel and fill him in on the fact that this may be last time you would be able to go on a trip like this due to your health. Paying your own way and staying in a separate room should be enough to have them allow you to join them. Good Luck
PS....With all that you have done for them in the past, if you were my MIL, this would not even be an issue!

** I'm a little confused...is this your daughter or daughter in law? If it's your daughter, then ask her alone. If it's your DIL, ask your son alone. Just wanted to clear that point up.

 

[SlightlyGoofy]

I sure do understand all sides of this problem. I am such a confusing person that I even disagree with my own point of view often. LOL

This is a complicated situation. I do plan to ask my daughter and will abide no matter how much it hurts. She once called me to ask me to babysit while she took another woman to a mother daughter dinner so I am used to being hurt. Am getting mighty used to it also. My tongue is callused from biting it. Love is mighty painful sometimes.

Maybe I will win the lottery and be able to pay someone to drive me and the grandsons down safely sometime. I know that would be allowed especially since I would be paying for it all. (smile)

I spend a lot of time with my grandsons. I am lucky that way Disykat. When they are sick they stay with me as I can stay up with them as I do not have to get up to go to work the next day. My oldest grandson calls me several times most days just to talk. My little guy spends summers with me and they are both in and out of my house several times a week. The kids like me, even though I am far stricter than their parents. My daughter just plain has not liked me since she was about ten, not anything I can do about it either. Would rather that she scream at me and tell me what the heck I did wrong but it is not likely to happen. I have asked.

They do allow me to take care of the kids often and I am hoping that they would want some time to themselves and that might be my saving. I just hate having to ask cause it makes me feel like I am butting in. An invitation would be sheer heaven. I really am not in great health and know that the day will come ,soon, when I wil not be able to go again with or without the grands. BTW, the other couples that are going are all friends of mine and would welcome me with open arms. Some of them grew up in our home and I have tutored and babysat for their kids also.

Beth, as much as your parents love you I bet that they would not want to spend every minute at DW with you either. Us old folks like different things often. LOL Hope your trip works out for all of you.

SG/Linda

 

[Serena]

All you can do is ask.

 

[Bojangles]

Originally posted by The Mystery Machine
But be prepared for a "no" and be willing to accept it graciously.

I agree. My husband travels a lot so we like our vacations to be just us and the kids.

 

[SlightlyGoofy]

Jim, you are a good son and sil. If I had another daughter I would put you on my short list. LOL Sounds as if you are a great father too in making sure that your kids get love from as many sources as possible.

I would never want to stay in the same room with my daughter and sil or anyone for that matter.

I do what I do more for my grandkids than anything and do not expect gratitude or anything. I feel it is not babysitting but sharing time together and I love it . Children are fascinating creatures and watching them grow is better than anything I could imagine. If I did not enjoy it I would not do it. I hate hearing some grandparents complain about 'having' to watch their grands. If they do not like it they should not do it IMHO.

Since I did not have any help in raising my kids it is a joy to be able to give their parents the break I never got also.

SG/Linda

 

[SlightlyGoofy]

Bojangles, I can understand your point of view very well. Under those circumstances I would not even dream of asking. My sil would be pleased if I would go and take the kids the entire time they were there. Maybe I could bribe him with Universal tickets? Just a thought.

Hey, I cannot speak these thoughts anywhere but here so why not let out my evil side? (grin)

Relationships sure are complicated. My oldest grandson is 13 and keeps telling me that we are taking a road trip when he graduates. Maybe he will drive us to DW? A gal can dream can she not?

If I were truly a 'witch' I would not be worried about being overbearing or selfish.

SG/Linda

 

[maci]

I dont think you are being selfish at all. I cant totally see your point of view!!
It is a shame she wont let you enjoy the fun with your grand kids, as it sounds like the kids would truly love to share it with you!!

That being said, I know what it is like to want to have your kids to yourself too. It is tough, but it doesnt sould like, you are wanting to "hog" the kids either.

Hope it will work out so you can go.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

You sound like a wonderful Grandmother! I am so sad to read that even with all that you do, you don't have a better realtionship with your dd.

So here is my advice, and it may not be very popular, because, you see, I don't have a mom, she passed away almost ten years ago. So what I wouldn't GIVE to be able to invite her myself on a WDW vacation with us, I can't even imagine. We have had alot of MIL threads the past few days,so I am sure my advice is going to ikr some people, if so I am sorry, but this is honestly what I feek she should do.

Here it is...do not ask your DD to go along, Patiently wait for an invitataion ( which you probably already know you won't get), In the meantime, listen to everything she has to say about her trip...pay CLOSE attention to the dates. Once you know the exact dates she will be down there with your grandchildren, book your own WDW vacation, using the same dates. Then just tell your daughter you decided you needed a vacation also. It is a free country, you can do what you want, when you want. You will probably shock your daughter when she finds out, but there won't be much she can do about it, unless she changes her dates, but would she really do that?

I can't imagine how a daughter can treat her mom like that (the babysitting while she goes off with another woman to a mother/daughter function...gggrrrr). Like I said, i am partial to the mom here, only because I don't have one, and until your mom is gone, you will not know the unbearable pain.

Putting on my flame-retardant PJ's now.....

 

[Dan Murphy]

's Linda.

 

[QueenTrident]

My Mom and I have a tenuous relationship, at best. I know that if she asked to be invited on one our vacations, it would be a very awkward and uncomfortable situation and I would resent being asked. However, if my dad asked (and yes, they're still married), I'd pay his way!

HOWEVER, I also don't use my parents as a de facto babysitters whenever I want. Only once have they babysat DD, when DH's grandmother died. We do see them regularly (about once a month), but always for an hour or two visit (that's all I can take) and I never leave DD with my Mom. So, it's a slightly different situation.

That being said, I think you can possibly leverage your position as babysitter to inquire about going to WDW. Just keep it light and jokey, so that there is no lingering awkwardness if you request is met with a no.

Good luck and lots of pixie dust to you!

 

[SlightlyGoofy]

Disney1fan2002. I loved your advice even tho I would never do so. Did give me a smile though. I am human, after all. You made my day with understanding why I was upset over the mother daughter banquet. I do not bring it up as my daughter still does not understand why I should be upset over such. I tell myself that she is this way because she knows that I love her, no matter what. Never have been able to find the 'off' switch. I am a stubborn woman.

I am so sorry about your loss. I know what it is to lose a mother at an relatively young age. You are never really old enough to lose a parent anyway. I have a feeling that you gave her many proud and happy moments and I hope that you take great pride in that and hold the precious moments dear. Maybe we will meet at DW someday and I can tag along behind you and do all those endearing things you miss like "Eat your veggies dear", "That ride is too dangerous honey". "I will stand in line for you,, I do not mind at all". (grin)

This thread has brought out the elephant hugging thoughts. What you think an elephant is depends on what part of the elephant you are looking at. Those of you with evil mothers think I should stay home and those of you who have kind and wonderful mothers think I should be invited and those who get little time alone think I should stay home etc.

Heck, I have almost two years before the subject is not moot so anything could happen. I could get more perfect or my dd could change her mind and decide that I am not so bad after all. She is 34 now and senility might set in. (ornery grin) Sure do wish she had my sense of humor, would make things a whole lot easier IMHO.

Dan, the man. I knew I could count on you for support. I really do appreciate it. I had a dear friend come by this weekend. She is older than I am and her daughter has not talked to her for many years. When her husband died the daughter showed up at the funeral, walked in, took a look and left. Anyway the daughter was diagnosed with cancer recently. The mom (who is sweet and not a bit ornery like myself) called and asked if they could talk. Rebuffed she nevertheless cooked meals and took them to the house several times a week. The daughter died two days ago without any closure. Is beyond my understanding. Thanks for the hug. Is needed and appreciated.


Jenn, I most sincerely hope that you and your mother can sit down and come to some understanding. My father was abusive and when he was dying I went to be with him often in hopes of some kind of relationship. I would never want to repay evil with evil. I think my dd dislikes me because of her father but she does not understand things and to explain would hurt her and I cannot and will not do that to her. The evil ends in this generation. It is the best I can do and all that I can think to do.

SG/Linda

 

[justhat]

While I thought about the 'I'm going to be in WDW the same dates as you' idea, I don't think it would be the best plan. If your daughter really gets upset that you did it (though I can't see why since you do so much for her-I love taking my mom on vacation with us, especially now that I have a baby) then she might plan her own activities and not include you at all. And unless you get up at 6am to sit outside their room to wait for them to leave, you won't ever see them since it's such a big place you'd have no idea where they are. I would stick to telling her that you'd like to go to WDW then too, on your own of course, and that she'd have a babysitter. Not sure if it would have any influence, but could you get your grandkids to help? I know it might not be a great idea because if your daughter says no then they might get sad, but if she listens to them and knows that they really want you to go then maybe it'll help her say yes.

 

[SlightlyGoofy]

Justhat, I can just see me sitting outside their room awaiting them. With my sense of direction I would be sure to be in front of some poor strange families room and freak the poor dears out. LOL (on the other hand they might appreciate having a free granny to help out with the children) Maybe I could get adopted? Just a thought. LOL

Seriously, I would never take an end run around my dd by using my grandsons. I do not even plan to tell them that I would like to go. I know that,when they hear about the proposed trip, they will ask me to go of their own accord. They often invite me to their house but I never go unless the parents ask and believe me that is seldom. Some years, not at all. I make plans for Thanksgiving somewhere else so it is not so evident that we do not have an invitation there. They do come Christmas Eve but sometimes I feel as if they would be happier if I put the presents on the front porch so they would not have to be bothered by spending time with us to get them. None of this bothers my dh at all. He is perfectly happy not being bothered with anyone. (sigh)

We are leaving for DW in about two weeks and my youngest grandson has already checked to see if he will fit in the suitcase. LOL

SG/Linda

 

[disykat]

Originally posted by SlightlyGoofy

This thread has brought out the elephant hugging thoughts. What you think an elephant is depends on what part of the elephant you are looking at. Those of you with evil mothers think I should stay home and those of you who have kind and wonderful mothers think I should be invited and those who get little time alone think I should stay home etc. "

What??? I didn't think this thread was about whether you should be invited, but about whether you should invite yourself? My reply was not based on my mother being evil - she's certainly not, or about not having enough time away from her - she lives 400 miles away. My response was based purely on my opinion that if she didn't choose to invite you, she probably is just planning on her immediate family.

If the question had been "would it be nice if my dd invited me?" I'd answer yes. As I said before I think it's wonderful that you enjoy your grandchildren's company and want to share DW with them. It sounds like you are a wonderful grandma and that your dd is not as appreciative as she should be. That said, I still don't think you can expect to be invited along - and that if you ask it may be interpreted as overbearing.

 

[QueenTrident]

SG - I don't know your situation or circumstances, but I know as I got older and could talk to my parents about events in my childhood, essentially "walking a mile in their shoes", I was able to forgive them. In fact, my dad and I are extremely close, despite childhood abuse. The only reason my mother and I aren't is because she continues to be negative, bitter and emotionally distant to me and my DD. She is not the grandmotherly type at all. She figures her duties are fulfilled by buying DD some clothes, not by physical or emotional contact. In fact, if she does read DD a book or tell her a story, she usually ends up quizzing DD or complaining to me that DD lags in her cognitive and verbal skills. Anyway, maybe, even though you think it might hurt your DD, talking to her and explaining things about her childhood that she may not understand or have a misperception of will go a long way to healing the wounds.

 

[kejoda]

Sg, I would love to adopt you. Your dd has no idea how lucky she is.