Selfish? ( Long )

[Pea-n-Me]

I am going through my second battle with cancer and chemo is a very ugly thing. I

I'm scared too; the fear is actually pretty consuming, but I don't pass that on to my children.

Pakey

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I don't feel as though I can talk to my mom about any of this because I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her as it is and I don't know how she will react to anything anymore.

People are sometimes very private about sharing cancer information with their loved ones. They don't want them to feel badly or worry

This made me think of something I recently posted on the Breast Cancer Survivor's thread. I thought I'd post it here as well.

Disenfranchised grief is grief that one experiences in isolation. Your mother is grieving the loss of her health and you are grieving the loss of a carefree, normal existence with your mother, both of which were brought about by her illness (to some degree; there may have been dependency issues already, etc). It doesn't mean it applies to your situation exactly, necessarily, but it does give you food for thought and maybe can shed some light on some of what you both might be feeling.

I'd actually never heard the term before and I've even studied and written papers on grief, etc. Once I discovered the concept it was like a huge "Ah Ha" moment for me as it validated some of the difficult feelings I'd had with my own cancer experience. Even though I had lots of people around me who were "supportive", I really couldn't talk about my deepest fears with any of them as they'd brush them off and tell me to stop worrying, that I'd be fine, be positive, stay strong, etc. Not that I wasn't any of those things, but heck, I was afraid I was going to die and leave my young children without their mother. But nobody would hear that from me. My grief was disenfranchised. Fortunately for me, I found a great support center and I could let it all out/work it through with the counselors there without being told to stop feeling what I was feeling. Thankfully. But it is a really, really difficult thing to go through.

http://www.expressivegriefcounseling.com/disenfranchised-grief-alone-ashamed-new.shtml

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Pea-n-me, my sister is going thru this now with her MIL, it is pretty bad. She is going home on hospice pretty soon. She is in the hospital now and there is nothing they can do for her.

It it worsened with her situation of existence. It is very horrific. The doctors are amazed she is still alive.

I have been supportive and just listen for the most part. My sister is a person that does not like to talk about death and her DH/IL's are even worse, living in denial.

They are now being forced into acceptance and it is very very difficult for them.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Pea-n-me, my sister is going thru this now with her MIL, it is pretty bad. She is going home on hospice pretty soon. She is in the hospital now and there is nothing they can do for her.

It it worsened with her situation of existence. It is very horrific. The doctors are amazed she is still alive.

I have been supportive and just listen for the most part. My sister is a person that does not like to talk about death and her DH/IL's are even worse, living in denial.

They are now being forced into acceptance and it is very very difficult for them.

That's hard. I hope they can all find some peace in the situation, somehow.

 

[minkydog]

Shannie, you need to talk to your Dad. He needs to run some interference for you. You're also going to have to find ways to stand up for yourself. Your mom is probably scared and lonely, but it's not your job to be her friend. You're becoming enmeshed with your mom and it's not healthy. Google codependence if you want more insight.

You're doing plenty to help her,but you're not required to give up your own life. I'm not in your shoes, but I have a DD17 & DS23. I would never want them to feel that they owed me their attention, their love, their time. It's nice when they give it, but it's not required.

 

[minkydog]

I'm going to go to my dad and tell him how I feel and that I think my mom and maybe all of us should go to some sort of counseling to help with this.

I think this is a very good idea. All of you probably need a safe place to process this terrible thing in your lives. Cancer doesn't just affect the one who has it. It affects the whole family, but it doesn't have to consume you.

 

[C.Ann]

I agree with everyone above, and it sounds like maybe your Mom is scared? I know as a Mom, it's hard when your kids grow up, and move on-after all you counted on us for everything for years-and added with her sickness, she might just want you around as much as possible because she is scared something might happen.

I DON'T want to add to your guilt in anyway, or make you feel bad, but just wanted to throw that out there. It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job handling everything.

As a Mom I don't think she is using you as a companion. I think she is scared. I think her illness makes her think of the things in your life that she might miss if God forbid she doesn't get better. She wants to soak up every minute of you. She wants you to know how much she loves you. She doesn't want to miss anything. She is not trying to make you feel bad. She is just trying to hold on tight to every minute because she is afraid. Parents love their children so much that it is undescribable. It's not that she doesn't want you to have a life it is just that she can't bare the thought of missing a second of you because she is scared of the unknown and wants to hold on to you. If she is ill she probably spends a lot of time thinking about her life and when you were little and the life she had planned for you all. This illness put a wrench in her plans. I am not trying to sound morbid so please understand that I am just trying to show you what your Mom may be feeling. Talk to her. She loves you and she will understand. Just try and understand where she is coming from. Good luck.

This pretty much sums up what I was thinking about the situation. I would caution the OP to be prepared that mom may understand, but may not be prepared or capable to act as if she does. Muddle through gently, yet firmly where needed. Show mom how much you love her & things will sort out.

All of the above pretty much sums up what I was going to say.. Neither one of you are being "selfish".. Everyone in the family has been dealt a bad hand and now you all have to come together (including dad) and reach a compromise that works for everyone..

Good luck - and I'll keep your mom in my thoughts and prayers..

 

[RUDisney]

Everyone deals with things differently.

Your Mom is scared and she's trying to cling to you.

The real fact of the matter is that you may have to give up some of your hours as she progresses in her treatments because she may need you to drive her to the doctor or for another appointment. If she's like my sister, she will feel so sick that she'll want to stay in bed on her very sick days, by herself, sleeping and waking to be sick. You'll have to keep an eye on her to make sure that she doesn't dehydrate. If she does, she'll need fluids and you'll need to get her to her oncologist's care. There were 2 times that my sister couldn't walk into the treatment center. She had to use a wheelchair. She walked out though, once she had fluid in her again.

My sister is finally finished with her treatments. She has a schedule of people who help her during the week. My day is Wednesday. I take her kids and we hang out at my house, we go to the library or do other fun things. They are 3 and 6 and love to play Wii bowling with my kids. She said that she's more scared now because she is waiting for the PET scan to be scheduled to see what the chemo and radiation accomplished. But, I may be able to take her to my club to go swimming soon with her kids because she'll probably feel up to it. I also make dinner each week to give her DH a break. No one else has decided to follow my lead, but they appreciate my meals every week.

Does your Mom have sisters or friends who could sit with her sometimes so she's not alone so you can go to work or on a date? You have the best tester for a boyfriend right now. If, after you get to know him a little better, he doesn't want to hang out at your house so you can help your Mom, he's not a guy you want to have a long-term relationship with anyway. Maybe you could play that card with your Mom.

The other suggestions that have been made are great. Talk to her social worker or doctor about a therapist for both of you, even for your Dad, too. That can help to keep everything in perspective. This is new to your whole family. Adjustments need to be made that a counselor can help you to ease into.

Prayers for your Mom and for Pakey.