Selfish? ( Long )

[coolshannie]

My mom was diagnosed with a progressive and rare cancer that was within her gallbladder. It has since been removed and determined it did not spread to anywhere else within her body. A complete miracle. She just started Chemo and radiation for precautionary purposes. I help out with anything I can at home; cleaning, laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, taking my brother to baseball, anything that will help make life easier.

I work part time at a clothing store and have worked there for two years; in the past during school I've worked just one to two days a week because of my work load, but in the summers I work more; my mom doesn't want me to work more then two days a week and gets upset if I'm scheduled for more and asks me to request that I only work two days a week so I can spend time with her. She says I don't need the money, that she gives me money, so why do I need to work, don't I want to spend time with her? I don't need the money, she does give me money to spend at the moment, which I have repeatedly told her she doesn't need too, but she says it makes her happy and she wants too and it goes on and on and I don't want to upset her, so I don't argue, plus she's always given me money from time to time, and it's a nice gesture if she is able and wants to do so, but I like to work, all of my friends hold jobs throughout the year and work during the summer, usually much longer hours and days then I do. I work 4 to 5 hours on the days that I work, so it's not like I'm not home at all those days. This week and next week is a new floor set, I've been scheduled 3 days this week and 4 or 5 days next week. Everyone is being given these hours as more people are working each day to get the work that is required done. I want to work the hours and I want to save the money; If I don't need it now, who is to say I won't need it later? I could save it towards my Master's degree or buying house hold appliances when I move out someday, or a number of other things. I don't normally get these kinds of hours, usually even in the summer I'm working two to three days a week; my mom was upset with me last week because I worked three days rather than two. I feel guilty working, hanging out with friends, or just doing anything that does not involve me helping out or spending time with my mom.

A wonderful guy has asked me out more than once and I've had to turn him down more than once because I feel guilty about not spending that time with my mom. I finally agreed to a date, but I haven't told my mom yet, because I feel as though she will be upset because that's how she is acting about everything else that does not involve me spending time with her, maybe I am completely wrong, but I haven't opened my mouth to find out yet.

I love spending time with my mom, we watch tv or talk or just hang around the house, as she is tired from chemo and recovering from her surgery still, but I can't do that every single minute of every day. And a lot of the time I know she is looking up the most negative things she can online about the cancer she has and the chances of it coming back and her dying. I can't even fathom what she is going through, but at the same time I wish she could want me to go live some of my life too. I have other friends who have a parent with cancer or recovering from cancer and they are able to intern, hold jobs, hang out with friends, and do a number of other things, they can't always do these things, but they don't feel guilty for doing them either.

I don't feel as though I can talk to my mom about any of this because I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her as it is and I don't know how she will react to anything anymore. I was going to go to my dad and tell him all of this, but then I feel guilty for that too, because he works such long days and calls insurance companies and hospitals all day long. So, am I being selfish?

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

First of all . No you are not being selfish. You don't say your age, but I would assume you are a teenager. Being a mom, I know how scary it is to let go of your child and let them grow up. It is most likely harder on your Mom being recently diagnosed and dealing with her health. BUT you need to talk with her and live your life. It will be hard in the beginning, but I would hope she would come around and see it from your point of view.

I will say a prayer, and I hope it gets better. Enjoy your date, I am sure it will be a lot of fun.

 

[coolshannie]

First of all . No you are not being selfish. You don't say your age, but I would assume you are a teenager. Being a mom, I know how scary it is to let go of your child and let them grow up. It is most likely harder on your Mom being recently diagnosed and dealing with her health. BUT you need to talk with her and live your life. It will be hard in the beginning, but I would hope she would come around and see it from your point of view.

I will say a prayer, and I hope it gets better. Enjoy your date, I am sure it will be a lot of fun.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. And I forgot to mention that I'm 19 and working on my bachelors degree.

 

[nmmom95]

I know it's hard to have a sick mom. I actually am a sick mom. My kids are younger than you are, but the last thing I want is for my illness to change their lives any more than it has to. You are not being selfish AT ALL. I agree that you should talk to your mom and tell her how you feel. There is nothing wrong with wanting to live you life. I will also say a prayer.

 

[polkadotsuitcase]

Sending hugs your way.

I'm with Tinker'n'Fun and nmmom95 all the way. Good luck.

 

[Ceila]

It sounds like your mom is having a difficult time dealing with her illness. Does she have anyone she can talk to about it? A sister or other friend? Maybe you can encourage her to reach out to someone she is close to.

What you want sounds very reasonable to me, especially since you are already helping out extra around the house. Although it may be a litlle bit difficult, I think you need to sit down with her and talk about how you are feeling. Reassure her that you love spending time with her and that won't stop, but that you also need to live your life, too. That includes your job as well as dating. Hugs to you and your mom!

 

[sunnyday123]

I agree with everyone above, and it sounds like maybe your Mom is scared? I know as a Mom, it's hard when your kids grow up, and move on-after all you counted on us for everything for years-and added with her sickness, she might just want you around as much as possible because she is scared something might happen.

I DON'T want to add to your guilt in anyway, or make you feel bad, but just wanted to throw that out there. It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job handling everything.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. And I forgot to mention that I'm 19 and working on my bachelors degree.

My own dd is 19 and I would say your mom is being very debilitating to you. I know she is sick however you need to create your own life.

You mentioned that she supports you.

I know family dynamics that use that piece to "blackmail" children. Do you feel if you go against her, she will cut off your support?

Honestly, that is what you need to examine. Is this something she uses to control you?

If it is, then you are putting yourself in a dangerous position. Nothing good comes from it.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

You are not being selfish. Your mother has become very co-dependent. She probabaly cannot help it, but at 19 it seems you are doing more than enough to assist.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

It is hard to be the adult when something like this happens. Your mom needed you and you stepped up. She is still dealing with the issues of near death. You can't be everything for her.

I'd suggest you gently back off. Take your hours, hit your classes and go out with that sweet guy.

You are a good kid. Take care of yourself, and pat yourself on the back for surviving something so hard.

 

[Mimi1965]

Working just a few hours a day should not make you feel guilty-neither is dating.
Even if your Mother had not been sick-she is having trouble letting you "spread your wings" as Moms should do when their kids grow up.

 

[Pumbaa_]

You need to enlist your Dad. Mom is guilting you to be her 24/7 companion. It is safe, it is comfortable for her.

However, it is not healthy for either of you. Mom needs a bigger social circle than her daughter

And you NEED and DESERVE a healthy social life. Working is good for you for all the reasons you mentioned. You also deserve to date.

Time to set some boundaries with Mom and you may need your Dad's help.

As hard as it is, stop justifying everything to Mom. Takes 2 to argue. It will be hard, there will be tears and claims of you don't love me/when i die/ how can you leave me here or whatever her favorite litany is

Be strong and remeber, you are not doing anything wrong. And the only selfish one here is Mom

Good luck!

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

You are not being selfish. Your mother has become very co-dependent. She probabaly cannot help it, but at 19 it seems you are doing more than enough to assist.

Actually daughter is showing codependent behavior. Mom is just dependent.

 

[cabanafrau]

I think you've already received some sound advice from others here, but as a mom I just want to send to you and your family.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

As a Mom I don't think she is using you as a companion. I think she is scared. I think her illness makes her think of the things in your life that she might miss if God forbid she doesn't get better. She wants to soak up every minute of you. She wants you to know how much she loves you. She doesn't want to miss anything. She is not trying to make you feel bad. She is just trying to hold on tight to every minute because she is afraid. Parents love their children so much that it is undescribable. It's not that she doesn't want you to have a life it is just that she can't bare the thought of missing a second of you because she is scared of the unknown and wants to hold on to you. If she is ill she probably spends a lot of time thinking about her life and when you were little and the life she had planned for you all. This illness put a wrench in her plans. I am not trying to sound morbid so please understand that I am just trying to show you what your Mom may be feeling. Talk to her. She loves you and she will understand. Just try and understand where she is coming from. Good luck.

 

[cabanafrau]

As a Mom I don't think she is using you as a companion. I think she is scared. I think her illness makes her think of the things in your life that she might miss if God forbid she doesn't get better. She wants to soak up every minute of you. She wants you to know how much she loves you. She doesn't want to miss anything. She is not trying to make you feel bad. She is just trying to hold on tight to every minute because she is afraid. Parents love their children so much that it is undescribable. It's not that she doesn't want you to have a life it is just that she can't bare the thought of missing a second of you because she is scared of the unknown and wants to hold on to you. If she is ill she probably spends a lot of time thinking about her life and when you were little and the life she had planned for you all. This illness put a wrench in her plans. I am not trying to sound morbid so please understand that I am just trying to show you what your Mom may be feeling. Talk to her. She loves you and she will understand. Just try and understand where she is coming from. Good luck.

This pretty much sums up what I was thinking about the situation. I would caution the OP to be prepared that mom may understand, but may not be prepared or capable to act as if she does. Muddle through gently, yet firmly where needed. Show mom how much you love her & things will sort out.

 

[cteddiesgirl]

I know what it's like to have a sick mom. My own mom was sick for 20 years before finally dying. I was lucky enough that my mom didn't guilt me into anything.
I know Your mom's sick and wants her loved ones around, but you still have your own life to live. Have a talk with her, try to get her friends and other family involved in spending time with her and live your life. Although you do want to spend as much time with her yourself as you can. Just don't let it run your own life.

 

[Pakey]

I am going through my second battle with cancer and chemo is a very ugly thing. My oncologist has a counselor on staff; perhaps you can find out if there are services available for your mom to help her deal with her illness. I'm scared too; the fear is actually pretty consuming, but I don't pass that on to my children. In fact, my strongest desire is that my kids continue to lead healthy happy lives.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

First off, no, I don't think you are being selfish. Your "job" at this stage of your life is to establish independence and the way you do that is by obtaining and education and working. So not only is it ok for you to be doing these things, it's absolutely necessary. This is the time that you make critical decisions that will affect the rest of your life. So don't feel guilty about that.

As for your mother, she needs counseling and "cancer support". She has a very difficult illness and cannot go it alone. At the same time, she also needs your support and understanding. People are sometimes very private about sharing cancer information with their loved ones. They don't want them to feel badly or worry, etc. But the truth is that the type of GI cancer your mother has is one of the more difficult ones that's out there. (It is similar to pancreatic cancer.)

All subtypes of biliary tract cancers are rare and have an overall poor prognosis

the prognosis in gallbladder disease is poor, with 5-year survival rates of 15-20%.

Sure, your mother reads scary stuff about her cancer because that's the reality. You mentioned that her disease hadn't spread anywhere. To clarify, all that means is that there was no evidence of spread at this time. But because these cancers are difficult to detect, diagnosis often comes late and it is well known that there is probably some hidden disease in there that will manifest itself at some point so despite the chemo (which often is done to help the patient feel like something is being done, but in reality isn't in fact very effective against these cancers), she may very well be looking at this cancer spreading (which is what people with cancer die from) and therefore dealing with issues of her own mortality. This is extremely difficult as a mother to accept. So you need to cut your mother a little slack here and probably try to find a compromise somehow, not just for her sake, but for your own. You never want to look back when you're older and say you wish you'd understood more, spent more time with your mother when she was alive, etc. How you choose to do that is up to you. But I'd suggest having some open conversations with your mother about her diagnosis, prognosis, wishes, fears, etc, even though those might be fairly uncomfortable at first. Once she gets them out (and they are understood and accepted by the person on the receiving end) she can begin to let them go; it may even turn her whole attitude around. Find the right time to to this, not at a time your hurried or aggravated, etc.

In the meantime, I'd try to enlist some help for mom if she isn't able to get some herself. Medical oncology teams are great at medical care, but not always great at emotional care. When I had cancer (and awful feelings like I imagine your mom must be having), I had to seek out my own emotional care, and let me tell you, it wasn't easy. And I know how to work the resources. You might start with a clergy person if she's religious, or a nurse who may know resources in the area, or even speaking to your mother's medical team as they probably make referrals and have a list of resources in your area. You may also find someone who's had cancer go over to talk to her. Look and see if there's a cancer support center around, and go there with her the first time or two. It really helps to talk to people who've been through it and understand the difficult feelings associated with having cancer, especially one of the more serious ones like the one she has.

Mom should also be getting out as much as she can to keep her body healthy and her spirits up. If she's staying in the house alone much of the time, she might well be dealing with depression which would probably benefit from treatment and activity. Buy or pick her some nice flowers when you can. Bring her something she loves now and then. Just let her know you care. In her heart she knows it's time for you to grow up and leave the nest, but like Mouse House Mama said, I think she's just having a hard time accepting not only that, but worries about the possibility of her leaving you.

I hope I haven't said anything offensive and I hope it's helped.

 

[coolshannie]

I don't have time to reply to everyone's replies at the moment. I just wanted to let you know that I've read them and they have helped. Before she was sick during christmas break she had wanted me to get another job, because she did not believe I worked enough during that down time. That was before she knew she had cancer; and now that she knows it could come back she does not want me working or worrying about money or anything. I understand where she is coming from at this point, but I also understand that I can't always depend on her to be there for me. I want to be a teacher and I know life wont always be easy, but it was what I wanted to do, and If her giving me money now means I can save the money I'm making for later then it's what I want to do, I just don't want to cause her any unneeded stress or anxiety by telling her these things, but I will. I'm going to go to my dad and tell him how I feel and that I think my mom and maybe all of us should go to some sort of counseling to help with this. Thank you all again so much. Your words really have helped, made me cry, made me understand, and made me want to do something about it more so than ever.