Seeking opinions on a cat situation: Is it time?

[SueInBoston]

I was in the same agony in January. My cat was also 20 years old. In hindsight, I wish I made the decision earlier. In Oct, the vet gave us the "it's time" diagnosis, keep her comfortable and bring her in after everybody say "good bye" but we just couldn't make that final decision. so we kept trying different food, cleaned up after her, and hoped for a miracle. In Jan, Her health took a dive while my son was away for the weekend, I didn't want to bring her in without him so I carried her around in a sling all weekend, syringe fed her water, stayed awake to make sure she was still with me, I saw the worst of her condition and it broke my heart that I kept her uncomfortable for our "wants"

 

[VandVsmama]

Put the cat out of its misery and euthanize.

 

[ftbaker1313]

Went thru something similar a few years ago with a cat about that age. After I did have her put to sleep at the vets office I had huge regret but then I learned more what she had been going thru and I regretted not doing it six months sooner. It's never an easy thing but based on your comments on quality of life, I would say it is time.

 

[fly girl]

No cuddling, no playing, lethargic is the right word. she just lays on the couch all day and only moves when she wants to eat/drink.
2 years ago she was still very playful, loved to explore, go on the balcony, smell the plants... now she looks like nothing interests her

Your mind knows the answer. Your heart is getting in the way. We all understand why, and we feel for you.

She had a good life. But now she is existing rather than living. It’s time. I’m so sorry.

Edit- spelling

 

[DisneYE]

Is she losing weight? It’s a super hard decision but it comes down to the quality of life for the cat - not so much your quality of life but the cats - it’s pretty obvious she’s lost her dignity she’s not able to clean herself she’s not able to use her litter box when my kitty got that old we sent out a pan that she could just walk into no stepping it didn’t help - she went outside the pan - she was losing weight she was eating but she was still losing weight it was a very difficult decision she still seemed happy but she was not grooming she was outside the box was losing weight I had massive guilt but quality of life was rapidly going downhill
This is one of the very sad sides of owning a pet I’m so very sorry you’re going through this sending you hugs !!! I just did it unexpectedly with another kitty cat that was only 10 medical issue came up it’s really tough and very sad !! I’m so terribly sorry!!

Thank you for your kind words.
Not losing a lot of weight, it goes up and down a little, but she's always been very skinny.. and tiny.. she weight 6-7 lbs. imagine.
Yeah the grooming omg, it's non existent anymore... if I posted a picture of how she looks now you'd be shocked. she's crusty all around, she's lost a lot of fur in her tail, her paws are all muddy from stepping on the uncovered litter and water around her dish.

It's especially difficult because I rescued her as a kitten when her mom was k*lled by coyotes in a field (found the mom dismembered beside her) - and I feel she knows, she's always been my shadow, following me around everywhere for most of her life, only purrs when I pet her, cuddling with me to a point where my DW jokingly used to get jealous.
So, yeah it's tough. I'm close on deciding but my DD18 is home from university and she's also very close to her so I know she'll be devastated and get mad at me. I think when she goes back to school in August we'll call a nurse from the vets office to come and take care of things.

 

[fly girl]

So, yeah it's tough. I'm close on deciding but my DD18 is home from university and she's also very close to her so I know she'll be devastated and get mad at me. I think when she goes back to school in August we'll call a nurse from the vets office to come and take care of things.

Obviously I don’t know your daughter, but if she sees her all crusty and lethargic, how could she get mad? Naturally she’ll be sad about the situation, but getting mad for doing the humane thing? She’s 18, not 8 … she’ll understand.

I am talking to you straight and giving it to you as I would a friend. Please know it’s with empathy and love, not to be hurtful. You’re making excuses. You’re not ready, we never are because a pets love is unconditional. Totally understand that. And if you need a little more time, take it. But waiting all summer?? Is that fair to your beloved kitty? Sadly, probably not.

Again, this is coming with empathy and good intentions because I have been in those shoes. It really is hard

 

[NannyBeBe]

I have 10 little urns on my bookshelf, so I know what you are going through. It does seem like it is time to say goodbye to your kitty. Call your vet and let her know when you are coming in. Ask her to have everything ready so that it can be done quickly. As a PP said, you need to stay with kitty and pet her and speak softly to her as she goes. Have a portrait done of her and give it a special place on your wall.

 

[wdwfan51]

I’m sorry you are going thru this. It is so hard to decide when it is time. When our last pet was ready the vet said something that helped us out. Ours was pretty bad off, but then would have bouts of some good days and cycle back to really bad days. The vet told us “our pets last day should not be their worst day”. It helped us realize we were keeping her around for us and not giving her what she needed.
Again, so very sorry you are going through this.

 

[DisneYE]

Obviously I don’t know your daughter, but if she sees her all crusty and lethargic, how could she get mad? Naturally she’ll be sad about the situation, but getting mad for doing the humane thing? She’s 18, not 8 … she’ll understand.

I am talking to you straight and giving it to you as I would a friend. Please know it’s with empathy and love, not to be hurtful. You’re making excuses. You’re not ready, we never are because a pets love is unconditional. Totally understand that. And if you need a little more time, take it. But waiting all summer?? Is that fair to your beloved kitty? Sadly, probably not.

Again, this is coming with empathy and good intentions because I have been in those shoes. It really is hard

Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate them.
My daughter is 18 and is very attached to our cat. she's an only child and sees the cat as 'her sister'
When she was a baby the cat used to jump inside the crib and cuddle with her.
Her first word wasn't mommy or daddy, it was the cat's name. We have it on video and she cries every time she sees it. She's a special cat and it's very hard to be in this position right now. But I'm a grown man and I know the cat is suffering and its time. It's just I don't want to create unnecessary sadness and unless the cat can't walk or stops eating, the decision can wait a few months.

 

[Imzadi]

Thank you for your kind words.
Not losing a lot of weight, it goes up and down a little, but she's always been very skinny.. and tiny.. she weight 6-7 lbs. imagine.
Yeah the grooming omg, it's non existent anymore... if I posted a picture of how she looks now you'd be shocked. she's crusty all around, she's lost a lot of fur in her tail, her paws are all muddy from stepping on the uncovered litter and water around her dish.

It's especially difficult because I rescued her as a kitten when her mom was k*lled by coyotes in a field (found the mom dismembered beside her) - and I feel she knows, she's always been my shadow, following me around everywhere for most of her life, only purrs when I pet her, cuddling with me to a point where my DW jokingly used to get jealous.
So, yeah it's tough. I'm close on deciding but my DD18 is home from university and she's also very close to her so I know she'll be devastated and get mad at me. I think when she goes back to school in August we'll call a nurse from the vets office to come and take care of things.

I had to make the gut wrenching decision when to euthanize my cat. No one tells you that on the day you pick up an animal from the pound, you are also destining the day you will have to say good-bye and possibly be the one to pick the day they have to go. It's been 9 years for me and I don't know if I will ever be able to get another pet.

Your daughter is 18, not a child. Shouldn't she be in on making this decision? She will be mad and upset and grieving either way.

Wouldn't your daughter rather have a chance to say a proper goodbye and possibly the chance to be there at the end? There is a difference of being mad and upset with you and feeling betrayed. That you knew you were planning this and didn't give her a chance to say good-bye or to be there.

Would she rather be grieving at home when she has nothing to do, rather than have to attend classes when she needs to cry?

I'm sorry, but you are thinking of how to avoid pain for yourself now. I get it. Will your cat really last until August? As others have said, cats hide their pain until they can't anymore.

I know you want to have tried everything before you have to euthanize her. You might be able to try putting on a cat diaper on her, if there is such a thing. And put out disposable puppy pads, if she tends to go in the same place. I'd also get a couple of Swiffer wet jets, and leave them out, so any time someone walks around they can Swiffer the droplets wherever your cat has been. But, green droplets are NOT a healthy cat.

At some point you will have to decide to put the quality and condition of her life over your heartbreak. It may not be time yet. In fact, it may never be the right time for you ever. But later may not be better for her.

 

[Suger Mag]

Best advice I ever got: it is better to put them to sleep a day too early, than a day too late and when they are in crisis.

 

[fly girl]

Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate them.
My daughter is 18 and is very attached to our cat. she's an only child and sees the cat as 'her sister'
When she was a baby the cat used to jump inside the crib and cuddle with her.
Her first word wasn't mommy or daddy, it was the cat's name. We have it on video and she cries every time she sees it. She's a special cat and it's very hard to be in this position right now. But I'm a grown man and I know the cat is suffering and its time. It's just I don't want to create unnecessary sadness and unless the cat can't walk or stops eating, the decision can wait a few months.

I have an only daughter too. Our cat is her brother. I get it. They are absolutely family members. They are the best kind sometimes because of that unconditional love.

But, you just contradicted yourself. You know the cat is suffering, why drag it out a few months until she is in absolute agony? You wouldn’t want that for yourself, so why do that to her?

Hopefully your dd is coming home for the summer and will tell you it’s time because I don’t think you’ll ever be able to do it on your own.

 

[kymom99]

I had to put one of my cats to sleep when my step daughter was in college. The cat was only about 7 and was in chronic kidney failure. The vet told me I could take her home with special diet but I would likely be back to him in a short time. He gave me no indication that she would pull out of it. The kitty looked better after some treatment so I opted to go ahead and have her euthanized then, rather than wait for her to suffer again.

The point of that story is to say, my step daughter came home and my husband told her what had happened. This wasn’t her cat so there wasn’t a big attachment. But I heard her comment, that’s mean! when my husband told her. It stung to say the least because it was the last thing I wanted to have to do. But she was just immature enough to not be able to comprehend how difficult it was.

OP, your daughter might struggle with the whole concept no matter the circumstances. Maybe if you include her in on the decision she will accept it easier.

 

[CGB]

My heart aches for you because I've been there as well. I was particularly attached to one of our cats that was struggling in his older age. He stopped going to the litterbox and we compensated for months (plastic, blankets, constant laundry & baths, carried him to the litterbox, etc.) When he developed a sore that left him with a widening hole in his cheek, I knew I had to let him go. I was crushed and that wonderful cat would cuddle and nuzzle me, purring, ... even then, he tried to comfort me. In hindsight, I let it go on too long. When our next senior cat's kidneys began to shut down, I made the call much earlier. It preserved her dignity and didn't draw out the emotional breakdown for us at the end.

Regarding your daughter, I would include her in the conversation. To allow her to be a part of this moment would give her the opportunity to accept it and to say goodbye.

 

[Chili327]

a few months ago she loved exploring, going into different rooms/beds, etc. not anymore.

Normally i would agree that its time (and was going to post as such), but this ^ makes me wonder if something has happened recently to cause her some issues? Check with your vet & see what they say, i mean it definitely could just be that time, but by chance she just got into something recently maybe it can be dealt with?

 

[sam_gordon]

I know you're trying to alleviate the pain for yourself and your daughter, but I REALLY think the best thing to for both of you to say goodbye. It will be tough, it will be excruciating, but at least not for your fur baby.

Consider you (and your daughter) lucky that you get to say good bye. We had to euthanize one cat (my first pet) when he got to the end of his life. And I'd be lying if I said this thread doesn't bring back memories. After another cat ran away, we adopted two kittens. This was around 2017.

One day I was sitting at home and one cat was laying on the printer (not unusual for her). I heard a thunk, got up and looked and saw her head hanging down behind the printer. I went to her and she was limp. I rushed her to the vet but they couldn't do anything. She was gone, basically of a kitty heart attack. No warning, just had her annual checkup a month earlier. I had to tell my entire family, some over the phone and some in person.

Don't let it come as a shock to your daughter. Tell her what's going on. Tell her you've tried everything and the best thing to do is to end the cat's suffering. If your daughter was still in school and coming home next week, I could see delaying. Waiting through the summer is NOT going to make things any easier on anyone.

 

[mom2rtk]

Big hugs as you move forward. Like a prior poster, I'm saying this from a place of empathy. It's past time.

If it will make you feel better, take the cat for a second opinion at another vet's office. You say the cat still has quality of life, but I don't believe a creature that is at the end of its expected lifespan and leaking fluids has quality of life.

As someone else said, better that it be a day too early than a day too late.

We have this gift of being able to help our pets in a way we aren't allowed to help humans. Please take the lead on this and do what your cat needs you to do right now.

I nursed our calico through to age 20. In her later years she howled at night, a loud disturbing howl. We slowly ruled out one possible cause after another and were left with the assumption it was dementia. I evaluated every single day for at least the last year if today was the day. Even had my own thread here on the DIS. But she was eating well and (this is critical) still using her box. When we went to dinner one night and came home and found her standing in a corner, unable to find her way out, we knew it was time. We said goodbye the following day.

It was gut wrenching to let her go. I still tear up thinking about it. But I'm happy I didn't let it go on longer. And I would have let her go sooner if she was leaking or missing her box.

Big hugs. You've done well by your cat. And by asking here it sounds like you're probably ready to take the next step.

 

[lisaviolet]

I am so sorry.

Please do not do that to your daughter, waiting until she goes back to school.

Include her when you have made the decision.

Our dog was ill and elderly & my father made the decision one day to euthanize, without any input. No one knew. And did not stay with her, because he could not emotionally do it (and was a time period where it was not as common). But even at a young age I could & would have stayed. Not every human has the same emotional abilities. It all sounds horrible, but he was not a horrible man - just a man that probably thought he was protecting others. And helping her not suffer, which was completely valid and the strong part of him.

But he was not protecting us, he was hurting all of us with his choice of not telling us all in advance.

I had just come home from university for Thanksgiving and I could have had the chance to say a proper goodbye to a dog that meant everything to me. Because it occurred just after I left to go back. Like the next day or so,.so most likely not a coincidence (Editing after Imzadi's post as I realized he probably chose it that way to face no emotions in the moment, but those emotions are normal) And of course he let my Mom share the news to me over the phone - sigh, that a dog that slept with me almost every night from six to twenty-one was gone.

OP, this was almost 36 years ago! And I think you can see how it still impacts. Include your daughter.
Do not be afraid of just and valid emotions. It is completely normal with such a loss.

I think once you make the decision to euthanize you could have the tough thoughts & feelings that you might have waited too long. So bring that possibility into your decision right now. I have had that myself, wondering and wondering if it was time. Spending so much time telling myself it was not time and then suffering afterwards that I had waited too long. It is so hard at every corner.

I have such admiration for direct veterinarians and doctors. They help the process. They help take away regrets & give more peace. I wish more of them existed in this world. They are brave.

One of my pets was an at home euthanasia. She was so lovely - the vet. Made a world of difference.

I am so sorry for you & your family, all the best to you.

 

[DisneYE]

Normally i would agree that its time (and was going to post as such), but this ^ makes me wonder if something has happened recently to cause her some issues? Check with your vet & see what they say, i mean it definitely could just be that time, but by chance she just got into something recently maybe it can be dealt with?

Nothing really other than she's way too old. She used to jump on top of beds until a few months ago. When she tried and stumbled we put chairs/benches to help her climb - she used them for a bit and then stopped. I could tell she was just scared. Same with going outside.. she used to love sunbathing and would stay in the balcony for hours in the scorching heat. she used to beg us to go outside and we let her - Now she's not interested. I think it's a normal reaction in all mammals, as we get older we feel more intimidated to do certain things. The vet told us the same thing. That's its normal for her age. In a way I see it as a reminder of what awaits us all.
She was the type of cat that would reach the top of the fridge in one jump, run thru the kitchen cabinets like crazy and come down effortlessly.. she had the zoomies everyday, even in the middle of the night until she was about 15. Then it gradually stopped, as well as other everyday activities she used to enjoy. It's just age.

 

[DisneYE]

Big hugs as you move forward. Like a prior poster, I'm saying this from a place of empathy. It's past time.

If it will make you feel better, take the cat for a second opinion at another vet's office. You say the cat still has quality of life, but I don't believe a creature that is at the end of its expected lifespan and leaking fluids has quality of life.

As someone else said, better that it be a day too early than a day too late.

We have this gift of being able to help our pets in a way we aren't allowed to help humans. Please take the lead on this and do what your cat needs you to do right now.

I nursed our calico through to age 20. In her later years she howled at night, a loud disturbing howl. We slowly ruled out one possible cause after another and were left with the assumption it was dementia. I evaluated every single day for at least the last year if today was the day. Even had my own thread here on the DIS. But she was eating well and (this is critical) still using her box. When we went to dinner one night and came home and found her standing in a corner, unable to find her way out, we knew it was time. We said goodbye the following day.

It was gut wrenching to let her go. I still tear up thinking about it. But I'm happy I didn't let it go on longer. And I would have let her go sooner if she was leaking or missing her box.

Big hugs. You've done well by your cat. And by asking here it sounds like you're probably ready to take the next step.

Thank you. This reply really hit home. I appreciate you very much.
Most of the other replies have been very helpful as well. I really love this place.