Secrets for a long and happy marriage????

[Wishing on a star]

I so agree on the 'dating your spouse' thing!

But, what if your spouse doesn't feel it is worth the time and money and effort ( it DOES take time, money, and effort)

If we went out, say, just for ice-cream... it would be like... 'Ummm, this ice cream is good..." and that's it.

As a matter of fact, we wouldn't go out for ice cream because my husband has been been on a great diet/health/body thing, and it would be unthinkable to have a cheat day and have ice-cream or pizza with his wife...

We went on a getaway a few months ago...
We went out for Valentines...
But, sadly, that connection is just not there.
No connection...
No, "Hey, I love you, it is so great to be on this getaway with you..."
Even these past couple of things have been just 'going thru the motions'.

Really, there are some people, due to their upbringing(parents), and the way they are wired.. It is just not there...

I believe in genetic neurological narcissism.
And, with this, a person just cannot see far enough past the end of their own nose to have a real connection and emotional relationship with another person.
My husband's parents are the most profound narcissists that I have ever met... Seriously, they are.

 

[ead79]

I so agree on the 'dating your spouse' thing!

But, what if your spouse doesn't feel it is worth the time and money and effort ( it DOES take time, money, and effort)

If we went out, say, just for ice-cream... it would be like... 'Ummm, this ice cream is good..." and that's it.

As a matter of fact, we wouldn't go out for ice cream because my husband has been been on a great diet/health/body thing, and it would be unthinkable to have a cheat day and have ice-cream or pizza with his wife...

We went on a getaway a few months ago...
We went out for Valentines...
But, sadly, that connection is just not there.
No connection...
No, "Hey, I love you, it is so great to be on this getaway with you..."
Even these past couple of things have been just 'going thru the motions'.

Really, there are some people, due to their upbringing(parents), and the way they are wired.. It is just not there...

I believe in genetic neurological narcissism.
And, with this, a person just cannot see far enough past the end of their own nose to have a real connection and emotional relationship with another person.
My husband's parents are the most profound narcissists that I have ever met... Seriously, they are.

I've only been married for 6 years, so I am by no means an expert of any sort. But your post did make me want to ask you a question if you don't mind. I'm so sorry that right now you feel your relationship seems to be more about the motions than the real feelings.

My question is this: what was it about your husband that made you choose to marry him in the first place? I'm assuming that you felt an emotional connection with him at some point. My thought is that he's capable of it, it's just that he might not even know how you feel about the motions vs. actual feelings situation. Often it seems that men just feel things differently than women do, but maybe he feels more than you think.

Perhaps a date night isn't the best starting place for y'all to rebuild your marriage. Maybe a marriage intensive weekend or something along those lines where you can get "back to the basics" would help more.

 

[shortbun]

We take 2 or 3 two night getaways every year. Just off to some nice inn or gourmet destination where we can focus on ourselves-work out, walk, sightsee, rent movies and watch un-interrupted, be romantic in a place that does not have our child-chores-lists waiting on us. I think it's a must. we've gone camping a couple of times. It's not as comfortable and we're getting older(sigh) but we always reconnect by the campfire and on hikes or canoeing. Schedule some 'us' time. Do it right away. We also go on a date at least every two weeks. sometimes it's going for a drive and stopping for coffee and dessert. Sometimes it's a dinner. Whatever it is we do-it's just us-no other couples and we are not allowed to talk about our son, our house, bills, in-laws....you get the idea. We have some really good political discussions as we agree on everything and that's a wonderful thing. We have little codes-gestures-words that are just ours and if it's been a really long time just one of those things thrown out randomly can bring us back together.

Good luck everyone. It takes work and determination. Also, both parties must be willing.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Thanks Elisabeth!

When we first got married, we were young...
Well, He was young.
I am a bit older than he is.

I really attributed a lot of things just to the fact that was young, didn't have much money or life experience yet.

Like I had mentioned, looking back to the very beginning, I can see that the way he is now is 'the way he is'. I truly believe that he is incapable of anything more.

In other words... It is not just a 'rough patch' a 'down period' or 'middle age crisis'.... It is not something new that just crept up on us.

Now, don't get me wrong... There is a lot that is good about the both of us and our marriage!!!

At first, we were very glad to have found each other.

But, I can honestly say that, from the very beginning, I actively excused the things that were missing. It is not that they have just now gone missing and we need to re-discover them.

I can honestly say that the man I thought I was marrying (The man that I thought my young fiance would be) was a skewed, rose colored, love is blind, kind of thing.

I quit my job to move to a little town in nowhere so he could start his career. I have completely carried our relationship, serving him as his wife in every way, spending time with his parents, etc...

But, after 20 years, it is just crystal clear that he is simply incapable of giving back. Of really sharing a connection. Of functioning as a capable adult.

It seems that his needs are always being met. Mine aren't.

I am now getting older, I have some real physical deficits, and am not really physically able to go out and work full time and support myself. I devoted the last 12 years to my son, who has some moderate disabilities... Otherwise, to be honest, just like the OP, I think I could just walk out.

At this point, I am not upset with my husband..
I now see his issues and deficits for what they are.
We go thru the motions.

I fully place the blame on myself, because, I made my bed, and now I must lie in it....

You are right...
If anything were to help, it would be some intensive counseling/therapy.

But, honestly, there is no way that my husband would ever participate in that.

Again, just too much time, effort, and money....

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I so agree on the 'dating your spouse' thing!

But, what if your spouse doesn't feel it is worth the time and money and effort ( it DOES take time, money, and effort)

If we went out, say, just for ice-cream... it would be like... 'Ummm, this ice cream is good..." and that's it.

As a matter of fact, we wouldn't go out for ice cream because my husband has been been on a great diet/health/body thing, and it would be unthinkable to have a cheat day and have ice-cream or pizza with his wife...

We went on a getaway a few months ago...
We went out for Valentines...
But, sadly, that connection is just not there.
No connection...
No, "Hey, I love you, it is so great to be on this getaway with you..."
Even these past couple of things have been just 'going thru the motions'.

Really, there are some people, due to their upbringing(parents), and the way they are wired.. It is just not there...

I believe in genetic neurological narcissism.
And, with this, a person just cannot see far enough past the end of their own nose to have a real connection and emotional relationship with another person.
My husband's parents are the most profound narcissists that I have ever met... Seriously, they are.

Thanks Elisabeth!

When we first got married, we were young...
Well, He was young.
I am a bit older than he is.

I really attributed a lot of things just to the fact that was young, didn't have much money or life experience yet.

Like I had mentioned, looking back to the very beginning, I can see that the way he is now is 'the way he is'. I truly believe that he is incapable of anything more.

In other words... It is not just a 'rough patch' a 'down period' or 'middle age crisis'.... It is not something new that just crept up on us.

Now, don't get me wrong... There is a lot that is good about the both of us and our marriage!!!

At first, we were very glad to have found each other.

But, I can honestly say that, from the very beginning, I actively excused the things that were missing. It is not that they have just now gone missing and we need to re-discover them.

I can honestly say that the man I thought I was marrying (The man that I thought my young fiance would be) was a skewed, rose colored, love is blind, kind of thing.

I quit my job to move to a little town in nowhere so he could start his career. I have completely carried our relationship, serving him as his wife in every way, spending time with his parents, etc...

But, after 20 years, it is just crystal clear that he is simply incapable of giving back. Of really sharing a connection. Of functioning as a capable adult.

It seems that his needs are always being met. Mine aren't.

I am now getting older, I have some real physical deficits, and am not really physically able to go out and work full time and support myself. I devoted the last 12 years to my son, who has some moderate disabilities... Otherwise, to be honest, just like the OP, I think I could just walk out.

At this point, I am not upset with my husband..
I now see his issues and deficits for what they are.
We go thru the motions.

I fully place the blame on myself, because, I made my bed, and now I must lie in it....

You are right...
If anything were to help, it would be some intensive counseling/therapy.

But, honestly, there is no way that my husband would ever participate in that.

Again, just too much time, effort, and money....

I don't know what to answer to you. I have no experience with this. My DH likes going out with me as much as I do him. I just wanted to offer and say I wish you well. Sorry I can't be more help, hopefully someone here can be.

 

[Motherofboys]

We are like a lot of posters on here: married young, rose colored glasses, come from parents who had divorces/cheating/issues, as well as other challenges.

We have been married 15 years, we have had more than the average share of problems. But somehow we have made it through and now we are doing our best to make sure that keep it together and have a good relationship.

I decided awhile ago that going through the motions and staying with him until the last kid hit college wasn't enough for me. I want to be happy everyday, not just some day in the future.

We made a couple big changes:

1 - we are going to counseling. He resisted a lot but he gave in when I told him it was that or I was gone.

2 - I give him the same amount of love and attention that I give my kids, which most moms know is a lot! But he deserves my love and attention too and I make more of an effort to do that.

3 - we do one weekend getaway a year and date nights when we can, but more importantly - we give each other time every night. We put the kids to bed earlier and then have 1-2 hours of watching tv/talking/other activities where we just focus on being together as a couple. This has made a huge difference for us.

Being married is a huge investment of time, love, and energy but it has to be that for both people. Thank God DH is finally realizing that.

Good luck OP, I hope you guys can recapture the magic

 

[frndshpcptn]

Thanks Elisabeth!

When we first got married, we were young...
Well, He was young.
I am a bit older than he is.

I really attributed a lot of things just to the fact that was young, didn't have much money or life experience yet.

Like I had mentioned, looking back to the very beginning, I can see that the way he is now is 'the way he is'. I truly believe that he is incapable of anything more.

In other words... It is not just a 'rough patch' a 'down period' or 'middle age crisis'.... It is not something new that just crept up on us.

Now, don't get me wrong... There is a lot that is good about the both of us and our marriage!!!

At first, we were very glad to have found each other.

But, I can honestly say that, from the very beginning, I actively excused the things that were missing. It is not that they have just now gone missing and we need to re-discover them.

I can honestly say that the man I thought I was marrying (The man that I thought my young fiance would be) was a skewed, rose colored, love is blind, kind of thing.

I quit my job to move to a little town in nowhere so he could start his career. I have completely carried our relationship, serving him as his wife in every way, spending time with his parents, etc...

But, after 20 years, it is just crystal clear that he is simply incapable of giving back. Of really sharing a connection. Of functioning as a capable adult.

It seems that his needs are always being met. Mine aren't.

I am now getting older, I have some real physical deficits, and am not really physically able to go out and work full time and support myself. I devoted the last 12 years to my son, who has some moderate disabilities... Otherwise, to be honest, just like the OP, I think I could just walk out.

At this point, I am not upset with my husband..
I now see his issues and deficits for what they are.
We go thru the motions.

I fully place the blame on myself, because, I made my bed, and now I must lie in it....

You are right...
If anything were to help, it would be some intensive counseling/therapy.

But, honestly, there is no way that my husband would ever participate in that.

Again, just too much time, effort, and money....

Wow - your DH sounds EXACTLY like my ex.

 

[ElliePeters]

Forgiveness and understanding.

 

[njcarita]

Thanks Elisabeth!


I am now getting older, I have some real physical deficits, and am not really physically able to go out and work full time and support myself. I devoted the last 12 years to my son, who has some moderate disabilities... Otherwise, to be honest, just like the OP, I think I could just walk out.

op here first sending a big

but I think u are confusing my post with some of the other posters.....never stated......(Otherwise, to be honest, just like the OP, I think I could just walk out)........

 

[Arielle22]

DH and I have been married 25 years this Nov. I was almost 20 and he was 22when we married. Our DD are 16 and 14.

We have had major issues in our marriage (sick parents, sick children) at which point we went to counseling. That helped a little, gave us some perspective on the situation.

I believe talking is very important in a marriage. During counseling one thing was brought up and that was we are not mind readers. So if one of us wants something done (say a house repair or a specific dinner made) then we need to express that to the other one.

We also have done weekends away which was great to just take the every day pressure off of you.

We also do little things for each other. Grand gestures are great (DH surprised me on our 20th with a vow renewal in DisneyWorld) but daily gestures go a long way. It might be me bringing him dinner on a tray while he is working on the computer or him rubbing my sore hip without me asking.

I tell my DD they need to realize that marriage is not easy or for the faint of heart, it takes work.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I just read all the posts that came behind mine and want to give a big to all the people stuck in these awful situations. It would break my heart to wake up one day next to someone who was always sucking all the happy out of my life. Whatever you choose to do I hope you all find something somewhere that will give you the joy you deserve.... everyone needs a source of joy in their lives.

 

[Arielle22]

I had another suggestion. When you are mad wait until both are calmed down before speaking. With my Irish temper this doesn't always work for me but when we try it things go much smoother.

Also when you speak about a problem you use the term "I" rather than "you" which makes the other person less defensive. So for example it would be "I feel unloved when you don't say bye when you leave for work" rather than "You don't love me because you don't say goodbye".

 

[mumom95]

I know this may sound crazy, but I think one of the things that helps keep a marriage strong is believing in divorce.

I hear so many people say "I don't believe in divorce, I married for life and that's what I'm going to do". The problem with that is I think people then tend to take marriage for granted.

My dh has known from day one that I believe in divorce. I would fight like I've never fought for anything in my life for my marriage if something happened. But if after fighting my hardest I realize my marriage would never make me happy, I would walk away. And my dh feels the same way. The nice thing about this, is it reminds us both that we need to make sure we work at keeping it strong.

Don't take this to mean we can't count on each other. I'm just trying to say that knowing something can end some day makes you work a little harder along the way to keep it going.

 

[SnowWhite607]

Okay I get the part about being physically intimate but tell me....how can you when you are so disconnected in every other way?

Truthfully I feel used in my marriage......I feel used to make lunches, do laundry, work full time, keep up with the house, the bills, the garbage, the yardwork, the automobile repairs, the errands, the cooking, the cleaning, etc. I think that would just be one more area in which I would feel used. I do not feel valued in any way by this man. Like nothing I do matters.

If it were the 2 of us, I would stop but I have a child and I am not willing to stop doing the laundry or stop cooking to prove a point to her father. She needs to eat and she needs clean clothes.

Seriously, how can you be intimate with someone who doesnt talk to you and when he does, its only in a snarky tone? How can you with someone who finds fault with EVERYTHING you do or say? I had rather have a root canal.

 

[Wishing on a star]

SnowWhite,

Like I had said, when I had posted, WOW, there are others who have it worse....

My husband is not snarky at all (just incapable of the level of connection and work required by an adult in life....)

It sounds like you do not really have a physical relationship at all.

Seriously, in your case, I would have to think long and hard about staying and raising my daughter in that situation, with overt disrespectful and cold behaviors....

If I were in your situation, and I was young and physically capable, I think I might be looking at every conceivable avenue.

 

[ilovejack02]

SnowWhite,

Like I had said, when I had posted, WOW, there are others who have it worse....

My husband is not snarky at all (just incapable of the level of connection and work required by an adult in life....)

It sounds like you do not really have a physical relationship at all.

Seriously, in your case, I would have to think long and hard about staying and raising my daughter in that situation, with overt disrespectful and cold behaviors....

If I were in your situation, and I was young and physically capable, I think I might be looking at every conceivable avenue.

 

[iwrbnd]

I've been married almost 20 years now. Things aren't perfect and like all marriages we have our up and downs. I think the thing that gets us through is that above all we are friends. When you have that everything seems to fall in line. So, maybe instead of wishing for that in love feeling again, you can aim for being friends first. Date night should help with that. I'm just saying that you can't go from "blah" to madly in love with one weekend trip. I would say your goal right now should be to enjoy each other's company. You may have to "FAKE IT 'TIL YOU MAKE IT!" I know it's not the same but I seriously had to do this with a teenage son of ours! Everyday I thought "I will pretend to like this kid even though he is driving me crazy!" I really think that saved our relationship! Sending

 

[mumom95]

Okay I get the part about being physically intimate but tell me....how can you when you are so disconnected in every other way?

Truthfully I feel used in my marriage......I feel used to make lunches, do laundry, work full time, keep up with the house, the bills, the garbage, the yardwork, the automobile repairs, the errands, the cooking, the cleaning, etc. I think that would just be one more area in which I would feel used. I do not feel valued in any way by this man. Like nothing I do matters.

If it were the 2 of us, I would stop but I have a child and I am not willing to stop doing the laundry or stop cooking to prove a point to her father. She needs to eat and she needs clean clothes.

Seriously, how can you be intimate with someone who doesnt talk to you and when he does, its only in a snarky tone? How can you with someone who finds fault with EVERYTHING you do or say? I had rather have a root canal.

I really wish I could give a in real life. I can feel your pain coming through loud and clear in your post.

I don't have a whole lot of advice for you. But I will say having been a child who grew up in a household where my parents really didn't like each other, it's probably affecting your daughter more than you realize. If you are staying because if you left you wouldn't be able to provide for her, that's one thing. If you are staying because you are trying to give her some stability, well, that's probably not working. Kids want to see their parents happy even if that means they aren't together.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish there was a magic answer we could all give you. Just know in the long run if you do what is right for you, it will be what is also right for your daughter.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Okay I get the part about being physically intimate but tell me....how can you when you are so disconnected in every other way?

Truthfully I feel used in my marriage......I feel used to make lunches, do laundry, work full time, keep up with the house, the bills, the garbage, the yardwork, the automobile repairs, the errands, the cooking, the cleaning, etc. I think that would just be one more area in which I would feel used. I do not feel valued in any way by this man. Like nothing I do matters.

If it were the 2 of us, I would stop but I have a child and I am not willing to stop doing the laundry or stop cooking to prove a point to her father. She needs to eat and she needs clean clothes.

Seriously, how can you be intimate with someone who doesnt talk to you and when he does, its only in a snarky tone? How can you with someone who finds fault with EVERYTHING you do or say? I had rather have a root canal.

As one of the posters who posted about I wanted to respond. My answer is I don't thin k you can. My saying it was directed to people in marriages when there is a mutual love that life has gotten in the way of (kids, work etc.) Then you need to make time to date and . There are nights that I am tired and he's interested or visa versa but we start and suddenly not so sleepy anymore. But that only works when there is passion (even if it's a low lit one.) But if there is nothing there then you can't. I am sorry, the statement was more for the OP and not a blanket statement because if there is no spark there can be no flame. I wish you the best, I am sure that it is difficult.

I agree that you should be happy and not just going through the motions.

I pack the lunches, make the breakfast and dinner, do all the laundry and while I sometimes feel used by my kids (that is another tread) I never do by my DH. If I did all those things day in and day out and didn't feel he'd appreciate it I'd probably have to reevaluate too. Best of luck and !

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

My wife and I have been together for just over 20 years and consider our marriage to be our most important investment. We spend quality time with one another every day. We sit next to one another on the couch and hold hands like teenagers. We take one vacation each year without the kids.

We are not just mom and dad - we are husband and wife. Sometimes you have to remove the children to break that mold and bring back the passion. You will never have the bonfire of new love again, but the smoldering passion of old love can be just as amazing.

And, if that doesn't work - try slipping him some Viagra...