Seating for wedding reception question

[punkin]

Every wedding has drama. There's no reason to compound it. OP... don't do the dance off of you don't want to but I don't necessarily think it was malicious of future DIL to ask, just tone deaf. About the guest list... sorry... he who pays decides who's invited. I'm still shocked anyone could have a wedding for 350 with no seating charts. OP, make sure your guests have seats since the in-laws offered.

DH and I paid for our own wedding mostly and our guest list was lopsided to my side because we invited only the people we wanted (small wedding-only 50 people and it was heavily weighted to my family only 12 from DH's side not counting our friends) . The in-laws tried to give me a list and I said no. Unless you're willing to pay for the extra guests, we will invite whom we want only. I got a whole lecture on how my mother should be paying for the whole thing because I'm the bride and we shouldn't have a wedding if we couldn't afford one. I calmly said... we're having the wedding we want. No drama.

DD got married (180 people) and she and her DH paid for the band, flowers, and their friends. DH and I paid for DD's clothes and for our guests. The in-laws paid for their guests (they had a ton more than we did, including business associates). There was drama surrounding the wedding, but it didn't center on the money.

Finally...children...I love children at weddings. Even my DD's black tie wedding had children invited. I'm sure it's cultural, but to me a wedding isn't as festive with no children.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

DH and I paid for DD's clothes and for our guests.

So did you decide all the guests from your side including your daughter's friends and anyone else she wanted to invite? Like did she have to go through you for ultimate approval on who got on the guest list?

Finally...children...I love children at weddings. Even my DD's black tie wedding had children invited. I'm sure it's cultural, but to me a wedding isn't as festive with no children.

I'm not sure if the event itself with a wedding means children or no children but sometimes it's just a preference. The person I knew she had expressed, long before she got engaged, that she would prefer a no-kid wedding.

For some, like other posters mentioned, it seems impolite to invite some kids but not others. You may have a situation where there's problems known with someone's kid but not others but in lieu of being selective they chose not to have any. You really can't win with that one. It's going to hit a nerve with someone.

 

[punkin]

So did you decide all the guests from your side including your daughter's friends and anyone else she wanted to invite? Like did she have to go through you for ultimate approval on who got on the guest list?

I decided on my guest list because I paid for it. My daughter decided on her guest list because she paid for it. Had I been paying for for my daughter's guest list, you bet I would have had ultimate approval.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I decided on my guest list because I paid for it. My daughter decided on her guest list because she paid for it. Had I been paying for for my daughter's guest list, you bet I would have had ultimate approval.

Ah you only said she and her husband paid for her friends so that left quite a few people that would be ultimately decided by you. I can't imagine going to my parent for approval on wanting some family member there, it seems like I would be treated as a child. But it is like others said accepting money with strings attached.

If she had paid for all of your side would you have accepted whomever she chose to invite even if it meant someone close to you was not invited?

 

[mom2rtk]

DH and I paid for our own wedding mostly and our guest list was lopsided to my side because we invited only the people we wanted (small wedding-only 50 people and it was heavily weighted to my family only 12 from DH's side not counting our friends) . The in-laws tried to give me a list and I said no. Unless you're willing to pay for the extra guests, we will invite whom we want only. I got a whole lecture on how my mother should be paying for the whole thing because I'm the bride and we shouldn't have a wedding if we couldn't afford one. I calmly said... we're having the wedding we want. No drama.

OK then. I mean, I don't disagree, but it also seems kind of hard line. Were there hard feelings either before or after the event?

 

[punkin]

Ah you only said she and her husband paid for her friends so that left quite a few people that would be ultimately decided by you. I can't imagine going to my parent for approval on wanting some family member there, it seems like I would be treated as a child. But it is like others said accepting money with strings attached.

If she had paid for all of your side would you have accepted whomever she chose to invite even if it meant someone close to you was not invited?

At the end of the day, it was her (and her husband's) wedding. However she wanted to structure it would have been ok with me. I don't think I was quite clear (it's hard in a post). I paid for all family and my friends that were getting invited (including some of her friends that crossed into both lists). Both lists were finalized by both of us. The only question was who was paying for whom.

I'm sorry I'm confused by your question... she wasn't paying for my entire side. If she were, she would decide whom to invite. I guess if she wanted a very intimate wedding... but that's not what happened.

I don't know how the other side came up with their list, but they paid for whoever showed up from their list. So for illustration sake (the numbers are completely made up)... if they invited a 100 people at $100 per head, they would have given my DD $10,000.

 

[punkin]

OK then. I mean, I don't disagree, but it also seems kind of hard line. Were there hard feelings either before or after the event?

I'm sure there were. My in-laws had their own ideas of how things should be that did not mesh with my understanding. I told them if they wanted more people, they could always offer to pay. They decided not to. And if they badmouthed me, I never heard it. All my DH's family that he wanted to invite were invited. I had no interest in people DH hardly knew. So in the end there was no drama because it was a hard line.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

she wasn't paying for my entire side. If she were, she would decide whom to invite.

Sorry I was posing a hypothetical question You gave an example of your own wedding where your future in-laws were trying to add people you didn't want and you said if they paid they could. So I was just wondering if that would have applied to your daughter since you paid for all the guests that would be on your side aside from her friends.

I was looking at it through my own lens too. Like I had mentioned my mother-in-law tried to get us to uninvite her cousin and then she tried to get us to invite someone we weren't all that close to. If she had paid for it and she had your mentality and hard line like you did where you said

sorry... he who pays decides who's invited.

she would have nixed people we wanted and added people we didn't all in the name of "who pays decides who's invited"

It's one of those reasons why I personally think having an outlook of who pays can become problematic. In your case I was considering that with the idea that since your daughter only paid for her friends anyone else came directly from you...for her wedding..IDK it's one of those things where different families do things differently I guess. It doesn't have to be a very intimate wedding for invite lists to become an issue that's for sure.

 

[TwoMisfits]

Sorry I was posing a hypothetical question You gave an example of your own wedding where your future in-laws were trying to add people you didn't want and you said if they paid they could. So I was just wondering if that would have applied to your daughter since you paid for all the guests that would be on your side aside from her friends.

I was looking at it through my own lens too. Like I had mentioned my mother-in-law tried to get us to uninvite her cousin and then she tried to get us to invite someone we weren't all that close to. If she had paid for it and she had your mentality and hard line like you did where you said

she would have nixed people we wanted and added people we didn't all in the name of "who pays decides who's invited"

It's one of those reasons why I personally think having an outlook of who pays can become problematic. In your case I was considering that with the idea that since your daughter only paid for her friends anyone else came directly from you...for her wedding..IDK it's one of those things where different families do things differently I guess. It doesn't have to be a very intimate wedding for invite lists to become an issue that's for sure.

But it guarantees that everyone invited is paid for. I think it would be eye-opening to many people to see just how expensive weddings are now...so I grabbed the numbers -
https://www.valuepenguin.com/average-cost-of-wedding#:~:text=Catered food and drink: Making,66 guests — $62 a plate.

Venues average $9200 with no food/drink, and then you add an average of $62/plate/person to that venue cost. That's a ton...and it's only the average, not the extreme...so, if someone is expected to pay that kinda cost, they have the final say b/c they have to actually find the money to pay for it.

PS - It also has an average cost/guest by state...that's another whopper of a number when someone feels like inviting that neighbor or 2nd cousin they haven't talked to in a decade.

 

[punkin]

Sorry I was posing a hypothetical question You gave an example of your own wedding where your future in-laws were trying to add people you didn't want and you said if they paid they could. So I was just wondering if that would have applied to your daughter since you paid for all the guests that would be on your side aside from her friends.

I was looking at it through my own lens too. Like I had mentioned my mother-in-law tried to get us to uninvite her cousin and then she tried to get us to invite someone we weren't all that close to. If she had paid for it and she had your mentality and hard line like you did where you said

she would have nixed people we wanted and added people we didn't all in the name of "who pays decides who's invited"

It's one of those reasons why I personally think having an outlook of who pays can become problematic. In your case I was considering that with the idea that since your daughter only paid for her friends anyone else came directly from you...for her wedding..IDK it's one of those things where different families do things differently I guess. It doesn't have to be a very intimate wedding for invite lists to become an issue that's for sure.

You know... my MIL tried to get me to uninvite her cousin from my DD's wedding (remember I was paying) so... yeah....I understand. Some people need to control everything. She said she wouldn't come if she were seated anywhere near her cousin. I solved that by putting her cousin at the table with us and moving my MIL to a different table. Her cousin had always been very close to DH and so good to my children. MIL... not so much sometimes.

Again, it's hard to get across in a post, but DD and I really didn't have any disagreements about whom to invite. And since we weren't paying for her in-laws' guests, we really didn't have input there nor did we care to. I think it made things easier.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

But it guarantees that everyone invited is paid for.

I think I was thinking about before you actually formally invite someone. To invite someone but be unable to pay for them is socially unacceptable to me (we know covid and all and some other rare instances come up). Sometimes that budget means realistically it's not in the cards for so and so to come. Right now in the OP the bride's father is willing to work several years past retirement just to afford it, okay that's his choice, but no one should feel the need to do that just to invite so and so.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

You know... my MIL tried to get me to uninvite her cousin from my DD's wedding (remember I was paying) so... yeah....I understand. Some people need to control everything. She said she wouldn't come if she were seated anywhere near her cousin. I solved that by putting her cousin at the table with us and moving my MIL to a different table. Her cousin had always been very close to DH and so good to my children. MIL... not so much sometimes.

Again, it's hard to get across in a post, but DD and I really didn't have any disagreements about whom to invite. And since we weren't paying for her in-laws' guests, we really didn't have input there nor did we care to. I think it made things easier.

Thank you for your response it honestly cleared it up in my head for me. I was just trying to figure out were you the controlling or flexible kind here with respects to the guest list just because of how hard that who pays came across in your first post. It sounds like you and your daughter were quite cohesive on it coming both together.

 

[punkin]

Thank you for your response it honestly cleared it up in my head for me. I was just trying to figure out were you the controlling or flexible kind here with respects to the guest list just because of how hard that who pays came across in your first post. It sounds like you and your daughter were quite cohesive on it coming both together.

The difference between my wedding and my DD's is that her in-laws were willing to contribute quite a bit as was I. That allowed for quite a bit of compromise. For my wedding, my in-laws refused to pay one single penny and wanted guests invited that my DH barely knew. They also assumed that it was my parents' obligation to host the entire wedding (up to their standards) because I was the bride. It was a ridiculous and archaic stance to take in 1990. Moreover, my parents were just barely middle class and they were loaded (not that it should matter). So yes. I took a hard line!

 

[Boopuff]

My DD is getting married this fall. She's not having kids at the wedding. Why? Because her caterer charges for anyone over age 2. So at $$$$ a plate for a kid that probably won't eat, add 5 or 6 kids that adds up. Sadly my niece won't be able to come because she has 2 kids. Oh well.

 

[mom2grace]

@lifesavacation You sound lovely & I hope my children marry someone with a mother just like you!

 

[Lilsia]

I have many of these types of weddings, where the planning was taken over, usually by the bride's mother. It makes everyone miserable on what is supposed to be a joyous day. That is why husband and I decided to go to the courthouse and get married. We told our family the day before.

 

[mom2grace]

My son will be getting married next month. They are having 350 people at their ceremony and reception. Our side has around 10% of the guests. I've been asked if we want to do a seating arrangement for just our side or let it be open seating. I'm not sure that I am seeing all the pros and cons. Since we have 37 people, it might be nice for us all to gather at 4 tables (3 tables of 10, 1 table of 8) rather than try to fight for spots among the other 315 guests. What's annoying is that our guest list got cut by the bride and her family so I'm constantly feeling that I need to fight for representation in this wedding. That might be part of why I'm leaning towards reserving tables. WWYD?

@lifesavacation how did the wedding go?

 

[lifesavacation]

@lifesavacation how did the wedding go?

LOL. They got married and I suppose that is all that matters. It was a bit of a mess. They planned for an outdoor wedding and didn't have a plan B for unexpected weather. And, of course, it poured. So the tables got squished inside a very small space. They wouldn't allow DH & me to use an umbrella as we walked outside for the ceremony. We were told they'd bring one out to us if it went from sprinkling to pouring. No umbrella showed up and that was really annoying since I spent money to get hair and makeup done. The bride had to drag her dress through huge mud puddles and the guests had to stand in the soggy grass for the ceremony. Our family had COVID right beforehand so only 28 of us were there. I could go on and on. The professional dancers took over the squished danced floor for part of the night, and that was a bit annoying for the commoners Oh, and they gave out drink tickets for the rehearsal dinner. I didn't have anything to do with the planning, and it was annoying that people probably thought that was something I had planned as the "host."

Re the mother/son dance: I was told to either do the choreographed dance or they'd leave me out of it. I went out and did the best I could after a couple of drinks. It was mortifying and I was terrible. I've told DH that I don't want to watch it or speak about it ever again. My strategy was to laugh during the dance and act like I was having a good time. My sister said I managed to pull that off.

Glad it's over with.

 

[antmaril]

LOL. They got married and I suppose that is all that matters. It was a bit of a mess. They planned for an outdoor wedding and didn't have a plan B for unexpected weather. And, of course, it poured. So the tables got squished inside a very small space. They wouldn't allow DH & me to use an umbrella as we walked outside for the ceremony. We were told they'd bring one out to us if it went from sprinkling to pouring. No umbrella showed up and that was really annoying since I spent money to get hair and makeup done. The bride had to drag her dress through huge mud puddles and the guests had to stand in the soggy grass for the ceremony. Our family had COVID right beforehand so only 28 of us were there. I could go on and on. The professional dancers took over the squished danced floor for part of the night, and that was a bit annoying for the commoners Oh, and they gave out drink tickets for the rehearsal dinner. I didn't have anything to do with the planning, and it was annoying that people probably thought that was something I had planned as the "host."

Re the mother/son dance: I was told to either do the choreographed dance or they'd leave me out of it. I went out and did the best I could after a couple of drinks. It was mortifying and I was terrible. I've told DH that I don't want to watch it or speak about it ever again. My strategy was to laugh during the dance and act like I was having a good time. My sister said I managed to pull that off.

Glad it's over with.

Thank you giving us the update. I just want to say kudos to you for handling yourself with humor and grace. I am not sure I could have pulled that off.

 

[lifesavacation]

Thank you giving us the update. I just want to say kudos to you for handling yourself with humor and grace. I am not sure I could have pulled that off.

I have another son who just got engaged and I’m really excited for him. This experience has taught me to go into the next wedding with absolutely no expectations. I’m happy to help however they need me. Just don’t ask me to do a dance performance!