Seating for wedding reception question

[HopperFan]

Am I the only one still stuck on the fact that the groom's guest list is only 37 people compared with the bride's 315? That would obviously be fine if that was everyone the OP wanted to invite. But the fact that the bride's family CUT a single person from the OP's much shorter list tells me pretty much all I need to know.

Yes that makes me sad.

We were parents of the bride (2020) and we paid for everything wedding/reception wise (ILs paid for rehearsal dinner, bride & groom paid for all related to wedding party). The guest list is not an easy task, it basically fell 25% Bride parent's list, 25% Groom parent's list and 50% Bride & Groom's list. Bride & Groom went first and it ended up some on theirs were family members they were very close too, and so we didn't need them on our list. Did some of the ILs not make the list, sure? did some of ours not make the list? sure. But it was important to the B&G that they be surrounded by people they love and wanted to celebrate with - as it should be.

DH wanted to invite a lot more of his extended family members, and since he was paying I guess he could have put his foot down. But I was firm that both families should get equal invites and DD was firm that she wanted more of her friends there, that she has close relationships with. It was their day, not our day to host a family reunion.


[Note: While venue was large enough for a much bigger wedding, my budget was set and we didn't want it out of control. Add COVID, we didn't know where it was headed so kept it reasonable for the space to spread out. A plus was those who opted not to come reduced it by another 40%. Actually had someone suggest an uninvited could be added since others said no. Ummm, no.]

 

[sam_gordon]

Am I the only one still stuck on the fact that the groom's guest list is only 37 people compared with the bride's 315? That would obviously be fine if that was everyone the OP wanted to invite. But the fact that the bride's family CUT a single person from the OP's much shorter list tells me pretty much all I need to know.

This was a red flag to me also.

Regarding the "dance off"... I think it would be nice if there was time for a dedicated dance with the bride and her father, and the groom and his mother. It should not (IMO of course) be a "dance off". I can see a "first dance" with the newlyweds, then the second dance (or 2nd half of the first dance) is when the parents come in. After that, the dance floor is open.

I would hope the bride and father have enough sensibility to not "show off" during their dance. If they want to do that, then do it on their own without the groom and OP on the floor.

 

[mom2rtk]

A bit beside the point maybe but somewhere upthread the OP mentioned a full 100 of the bride-side guests are business associates of the parents and don’t even know the couple. My thoughts ran immediately to “Good Lord, please don’t ever let me receive an invitation like that and feel obligated to attend.” Yuck to having to sit through some random stranger’s wedding.

I saw that and had the same reaction. But even without those 100, the numbers are still highly skewed and my point remains. For them to cut a single person from the groom's even without the 100 in the mix, is off the charts crazy.

 

[mumto3girls]

OP I feel for you. In answer to your question I think I would want assigned seating or at least reserved seats. When I go to something like that where I won’t know most people (sounds like your side is in that boat) I would be uncomfortable trying to squeeze into a table somewhere with people I don’t know. I wouldn’t care if it wasn’t the “best” or even a “good” table, I would just want a place to sit and eat and chat with the people I know.

As to the dance off. Whew. You are a much better sport than I could ever imagine being. This sort of thing is high on my list of dreaded activities. I despise being the center of attention, embarrass easily, have very little sense of rhythm or musicality, am uncomfortable dancing and actively avoid public embarrassment. I would be doing everything I could to get out of that without alienating my son, the bride and her family. Yikes. My sister in law though would love that sort of thing. She seems to have a high threshold for embarrassment, loves the spotlight, can dance decently and in general is just a good sport about these sorts of things. Sounds like you are somewhere in between. Maybe an honest chat with the bride and groom about your comfort level and see what you can work out. Being that she is a dancer I like the idea of a dance off being done with her dancer friends if she has her heart set on a dance off. Good luck!

 

[mom2rtk]

As to the dance off. Whew. You are a much better sport than I could ever imagine being. This sort of thing is high on my list of dreaded activities.

I personally think this is high on most people's list of dreaded activities. For them to just assume someone would want to do it is odd. Not odd that they want to do it, but odd for them not to realize others might not feel the same.

 

[lifesavacation]

Am I the only one still stuck on the fact that the groom's guest list is only 37 people compared with the bride's 315? That would obviously be fine if that was everyone the OP wanted to invite. But the fact that the bride's family CUT a single person from the OP's much shorter list tells me pretty much all I need to know.

We had no idea our guest list had been cut and we were floored and our feelings were hurt. I had written out the list to be tier 1 guests (50 guests) and tier 2 guests. They cut into tier 1, and selectively cut some of the children from our guests in both tiers. Either have children at the wedding or don't, but don't pick and choose who gets to bring them. And it's especially frustrating because some of our family were coming from out of state and had young children. No one is going to travel and leave their kids home.

Two of the 50 on the list weren't going to come anyway and were more symbolic invites like my 98 year old grandmother and my uncle who's in a care facility for Alzheimer's. I didn't want to invite my aunt and not have his name on the invite. I felt 50 was more than reasonable as absolute invites.

 

[BroadwayHermione5]

I’ve never heard of a wedding with 350 people not having assigned seating .That is ridiculous and a recipe for disaster. Likewise I have never heard of a rehearsal dinner with all the guests invited. It’s for the people in the wedding after the rehearsal . You have been kind to give 5k for the rehearsal dinner. I believe etiquette states that the grooms family usually pays for alcohol . With only 37 people invited from the grooms family I can see why you wouldn’t want to pay that though . The dance-off is not a nice thing to pressure you into . I would never agree to that .You are basically in the company of strangers with the bride monopolizing the guest list.

This right here. In laws aside, my moms side is a big Italian family. I’ve never not had a reserved seat.

 

[BroadwayHermione5]

.

Am I the only one still stuck on the fact that the groom's guest list is only 37 people compared with the bride's 315? That would obviously be fine if that was everyone the OP wanted to invite. But the fact that the bride's family CUT a single person from the OP's much shorter list tells me pretty much all I need to know.

I sadly know someone who had similar issues.
Son was marrying his wife. NJ girl. They were told they get 30 people total. Including family. Out of 300. Even the bride and grooms friends were limited to I think 50 including bridal party. Brides family and family friends took up over 200 people. They barely see their grandkids.
On the flip side, my cousin (we are a laid back Italian family) married a (very lovely) man from a big Italian family. Her sister had gotten married a few years prior and her parents told her we are giving the same amount, no if and or buts. So his family paid for all the extra they wanted, but my cousin and her husband also worked in things they wanted. It needed up being a fun wedding and while there still is some competition aspect when it comes to the grandkids, they are always at each other’s family events and hang out quite often. When said sister of the cousin I mentioned lost her mother in law suddenly, most of the family made the 2-3 hour trek to the wake and funeral. To me that shows a lot of growth and respect.

 

[kymom99]

We had no idea our guest list had been cut and we were floored and our feelings were hurt. I had written out the list to be tier 1 guests (50 guests) and tier 2 guests. They cut into tier 1, and selectively cut some of the children from our guests in both tiers. Either have children at the wedding or don't, but don't pick and choose who gets to bring them. And it's especially frustrating because some of our family were coming from out of state and had young children. No one is going to travel and leave their kids home.

Two of the 50 on the list weren't going to come anyway and were more symbolic invites like my 98 year old grandmother and my uncle who's in a care facility for Alzheimer's. I didn't want to invite my aunt and not have his name on the invite. I felt 50 was more than reasonable as absolute invites.

Wait, they decided who to cut? From your guests? You can’t be serious. Omg

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

We had no idea our guest list had been cut and we were floored and our feelings were hurt. I had written out the list to be tier 1 guests (50 guests) and tier 2 guests. They cut into tier 1, and selectively cut some of the children from our guests in both tiers. Either have children at the wedding or don't, but don't pick and choose who gets to bring them. And it's especially frustrating because some of our family were coming from out of state and had young children. No one is going to travel and leave their kids home.

Two of the 50 on the list weren't going to come anyway and were more symbolic invites like my 98 year old grandmother and my uncle who's in a care facility for Alzheimer's. I didn't want to invite my aunt and not have his name on the invite. I felt 50 was more than reasonable as absolute invites.

As nicely as can be put though your son the groom let his family be less, plain and simple. The bride and her family may have wanted more guests (ancillary ones as well) but your son for his own reasons allowed his guest list to be trimmed. ETA: were the people cut from the tiers ones your son is close with, ones your son absolutely would have wanted there at his wedding? What relationship to the groom was the tier 2 list?

People do travel and leave their kids at home, sure they do. My husband's coworkers wedding was a no kids wedding and people were there mostly actually from out of town as the groom was not from here. Being in town can be just as hard to find childcare as being out of town and actually expenses wise it lightens it with out of town guests. BUT depending on the distance and the ages of those children being away from them becomes the crux of the issue.

I do wonder if they also cut children from the bride's family (and you may never actually know this answer).

I do have a question, you said some of your family was coming from out of town, did they send out save the dates and then cut the guest list later on?

I don't remember if you mentioned it before about tiers. I guess my thing would be when that is done it means there's already guests you're comfortable with cutting and you've placed importance on certain guests and less importance on others (for whatever reasons). Doesn't mean I agree with cutting just so more and more of so and so's side can come just that I guess I come from a situation where my husband and I didn't put people on the list to begin with unless we actually wanted them there. We too had your symbolic invite here and there but for the same reasons (very elderly and states away would have been too hard to come for health reasons).

Did your son talk to you about it or is this all being relayed through the bride and her mom? Hopefully it's your son...it should be your son.

 

[mjkacmom]

There is no friction, just other opinions. Since when are we not supposed to have differences of opinions here? From what the OP said, that she was TOLD that she was going to do this and was going to take dancing lessons, not ASKED, that is what comes across as the bride's side not having good intentions. Who just tells another adult that they are going to take lessons and do a dance off like that? I feel for the OP because it is clear that neither her son nor her want to do this stupid dance off, but the son has made her have to be the bad guy by not telling his fiance that he doesn't want to do that himself.

Lifesavacation, you should be honest with your son and future DIL and let them know how you feel. No one should be made to do something that they feel uncomfortable with. If the roles where reversed and you, as the groom's mother, told the bride and her family that they had to do some dance off, or anything that made them uncomfortable, you would be seen as the rude one. Some people seem to think that curtesy should only go one way. And since you are not on the bride's side, that you don't matter as much. It is ridiculous.

It very well could be that your future DIL thought that it would be "fun", or it could just be a recipe for disaster. If you don't "perform" good enough she can see it as you trying to ruin her wedding and hold a grudge against you the rest of your life. Some brides go ape poop crazy when it comes to their wedding. Everyone is trying to outdo themselves on social media now. How would you feel if they put up the video on Tik Tok for thousands to see you dance? These are all things that should be considered and discussed as soon as possible. I know that some people here don't like my outlook on life, but I know what people are capable of. If it looks like duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it's probably not a swan.

I agree it’s probably a duck, but I see nothing nefarious about the dance off. It wouldn’t be a problem for me, I’d have said thanks for the offer of free lessons, but there is a zero chance of my participating. I have a couple of dancers, a bunch of musicians (including DH), they really don’t get that not everyone can sing and dance. However, I’m never forced to participate in their merry making (my daughter and husband actually get paid to play a few times a month and the others sometimes join them).

 

[lifesavacation]

As nicely as can be put though your son the groom let his family be less, plain and simple. The bride and her family may have wanted more guests (ancillary ones as well) but your son for his own reasons allowed his guest list to be trimmed.

People do travel and leave their kids at home, sure they do. My husband's coworkers wedding was a no kids wedding and people were there mostly actually from out of town as the groom was not from here. Being in town can be just as hard to find childcare as being out of town and actually expenses wise it lightens it with out of town guests. BUT depending on the distance and the ages of those children being away from them becomes the crux of the issue.

I do wonder if they also cut children from the bride's family (and you may never actually know this answer).

I do have a question, you said some of your family was coming from out of town, did they send out save the dates and then cut the guest list later on?

I don't remember if you mentioned it before about tiers. I guess my thing would be when that is done it means there's already guests you're comfortable with cutting and you've placed importance on certain guests and less importance on others (for whatever reasons). Doesn't mean I agree with cutting just so more and more of so and so's side can come just that I guess I come from a situation where my husband and I didn't put people on the list to begin with unless we actually wanted them there. We too had your symbolic invite here and there but for the same reasons (very elderly and states away would have been too hard to come for health reasons).

Did your son talk to you about it or is this all being relayed through the bride and her mom? Hopefully it's your son...it should be your son.

I gave the list to my son split up into tiers. We weren't given a specific number of invites and I wasn't sure how many invites we were allowed. Tier 1 was close family only (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) and only two of our friends my kids have spent Christmas Eve with for years. Tier 2 was more family and friends.

My issue with the kids is to either invite them or don't or do an age cut off that is consistent. Don't selectively say one family can bring them but another can't. We had to field more than one call about that. People did get feelings hurt. My son said they cut the kids they didn't know. SMH. They don't know 100 of the mother's associates either.

I don't remember hearing much about save the dates. I think I got a few questions from people that didn't receive them, but was told they were still finalizing the guest list.

Yes, fully acknowledge my son is allowing this to happen. That's not something anyone needs to tip toe around. While he says he didn't see the invitations and wasn't in charge of guest lists, I have a hard time believing that. At any point, he could say enough is enough.

 

[TwoMisfits]

I gave the list to my son split up into tiers. We weren't given a specific number of invites and I wasn't sure how many invites we were allowed. Tier 1 was close family only (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) and only two of our friends my kids have spent Christmas Eve with for years. Tier 2 was more family and friends.

My issue with the kids is to either invite them or don't or do an age cut off that is consistent. Don't selectively say one family can bring them but another can't. We had to field more than one call about that. People did get feelings hurt. My son said they cut the kids they didn't know. SMH. They don't know 100 of the mother's associates either.

I don't remember hearing much about save the dates. I think I got a few questions from people that didn't receive them, but was told they were still finalizing the guest list.

Yes, fully acknowledge my son is allowing this to happen. That's not something anyone needs to tip toe around. While he says he didn't see the invitations and wasn't in charge of guest lists, I have a hard time believing that. At any point, he could say enough is enough.

It sounds like your son was very happy with the policy of cutting kids he didn't know...it's not even a bad one when he feels he's part of the "paying for the event" team.

My out of town cousin (the groom) cut my kids from his 2019 wedding due to cost even though we were some of the closest cousins, b/c my kids weren't in the wedding party. He did invite them to the ceremony. So, we all went up, went to the wedding as a family to see everyone, and booked a room at the hotel where the reception was, and had the kids hang out and chill after the wedding with fast food while we went to the reception.

Life went on, and my cousin and I still chat twice a month by email.

 

[lifesavacation]

It sounds like your son was very happy with the policy of cutting kids he didn't know...it's not even a bad one when he feels he's part of the "paying for the event" team.

My out of town cousin (the groom) cut my kids from his 2019 wedding due to cost even though we were some of the closest cousins, b/c my kids weren't in the wedding party. He did invite them to the ceremony. So, we all went up, went to the wedding as a family to see everyone, and booked a room at the hotel where the reception was, and had the kids hang out and chill after the wedding with fast food while we went to the reception.

Life went on, and my cousin and I still chat twice a month by email.

For sure, life goes on and this will all be water under a bridge someday.

Anyways, that is how we ended up with 37 people on our side. Some adults got cut, some kids got cut. It explains a little more about my original post why I said I feel we have to fight for representation.

 

[mjkacmom]

This is from the OP. She literally said that her son does not want to do it either but won't stand up to his bride. And yes, people get crazy when it comes to weddings. If you have not seen this then you are either extremely fortunate or don't know many people. Because I have seen people act this way. I really wish that I lived in this bubble world that some of you live in and have not had a lifetime of seeing the worst of people.

its a choice, half full vs. half empty. I have a friend who only sees the negative in people, ends friendship’s left and right, because she’s tired of being used, talked about, manipulated. What she can’t see is that the common denominator is herself. She is back on Facebook for the millionth time, I give it two weeks before she perceives insults and slights, and reports about it in our group text. Never positive.

 

[_19disnA]

Lots of people have provided advice to the OP. Even with all of that advice is still seems like the OP and/or her son are unwilling to speak up about all of the 'issues' being raised from the invite list, seating, children being excluded to the dance lessons/'dance off' then clearly nothing is going to change. If you don't speak up, then the bride's family won't realize you have any concerns.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

My issue with the kids is to either invite them or don't or do an age cut off that is consistent.

On the surface I'm totally with you, either accept kids or don't. But if I don't put any emotion into that a particular thought it's more the below response that comes to mind.

My son said they cut the kids they didn't know.

Which is reasonable IMO but I understand exactly how that may come across.

They don't know 100 of the mother's associates either.

Very true, like I said I have a feeling this part was more about keeping up appearances, if it's networking they are needing to keep intact. It's also possible your son may benefit from this (if there's networking going on). I don't really agree with inviting a bunch of people you don't know but there can be a delicate practical nature to some of it. I'm not really all for the business-type weddings either but I realize that is something people do.

I don't remember hearing much about save the dates. I think I got a few questions from people that didn't receive them, but was told they were still finalizing the guest list.

I'm just wondering if people were told (by either you, your husband or your son) they would be invited before they actually were, if there was an assumption on their part they would be invited, or if they actually sent out save the dates and then cut.

Ideally the hurt feelings should mostly be occurring if there's a save the date with people on the invite who are later then not given a formal invite or the formal invite included less people than addressed to on the save the date. How are these people knowing they were cut I guess and were they cut after they were actually invited.

Tier 1 was close family only (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) and only two of our friends my kids have spent Christmas Eve with for years. Tier 2 was more family and friends.

That makes me wonder if your son preferred those on the second list over the first when presented with the decision to cut. I'm not saying he wasn't close to his close family on the tier one though just that there may have been more on that second list making it something that was easier to cut from tier 1.

I do see sometimes when it comes to guests lists there's what the parents want and then there's what their child wants and they don't always match. Like I mentioned with ours my mother-in-law wanted to disinvite her cousin she was feuding with but invite someone my husband didn't really know much and I had only met twice but it was because she was at least closer to her than we were.

We had to field more than one call about that.

No one should be contacting you on this IMO.




I also don't mean to make this a strife between you and your son. I just felt like the vibe of the comments as a general statement was so much about the bride and her family and I was thinking that all that angst being directed towards them may not bode well when there's a lot that can be controlled by your son. I don't think you would be stewing at the wedding about it though, just hope it wouldn't be like the thing that all feelings go back to, how this wedding was planned if that makes any sense

 

[sam_gordon]

Lots of people have provided advice to the OP. Even with all of that advice is still seems like the OP and/or her son are unwilling to speak up about all of the 'issues' being raised from the invite list, seating, children being excluded to the dance lessons/'dance off' then clearly nothing is going to change. If you don't speak up, then the bride's family won't realize you have any concerns.

Well, it has been less than 48 hours since the OP posted and started getting all of the advice. Getting all the advice, coming up with a plan, and figuring out how to approach the bride/mother without hurting someone's feelings all take a little bit of time.

 

[lifesavacation]

On the surface I'm totally with you, either accept kids or don't. But if I don't put any emotion into that a particular thought it's more the below response that comes to mind.

Which is reasonable IMO but I understand exactly how that may come across.





Very true, like I said I have a feeling this part was more about keeping up appearances, if it's networking they are needing to keep intact. It's also possible your son may benefit from this (if there's networking going on). I don't really agree with inviting a bunch of people you don't know but there can be a delicate practical nature to some of it. I'm not really all for the business-type weddings either but I realize that is something people do.




I'm just wondering if people were told (by either you, your husband or your son) they would be invited before they actually were, if there was an assumption on their part they would be invited, or if they actually sent out save the dates and then cut.

Ideally the hurt feelings should mostly be occurring if there's a save the date with people on the invite who are later then not given a formal invite or the formal invite included less people than addressed to on the save the date. How are these people knowing they were cut I guess and were they cut after they were actually invited.



That makes me wonder if your son preferred those on the second list over the first when presented with the decision to cut. I'm not saying he wasn't close to his close family on the tier one though just that there may have been more on that second list making it something that was easier to cut from tier 1.

I do see sometimes when it comes to guests lists there's what the parents want and then there's what their child wants and they don't always match. Like I mentioned with ours my mother-in-law wanted to disinvite her cousin she was feuding with but invite someone my husband didn't really know much and I had only met twice but it was because she was at least closer to her than we were.


No one should be contacting you on this IMO.




I also don't mean to make this a strife between you and your son. I just felt like the vibe of the comments as a general statement was so much about the bride and her family and I was thinking that all that angst being directed towards them may not bode well when there's a lot that can be controlled by your son. I don't think you would be stewing at the wedding about it though, just hope it wouldn't be like the thing that all feelings go back to, how this wedding was planned if that makes any sense

No one was told by my husband or me they would be invited. My cousin gets my grandmother's mail. She saw her save the date and she didn't receive one. They also invited one cousin, but not the brother so I got a call asking if they needed the address. It was a few questions like that. Several couples from out of state were excited when they got the save the date, but then got the invite and saw they couldn't bring their children when others could. That resulted in more calls.

I recognize my son is in a tough position. His MIL has stated she is paying so she gets what she wants. I also acknowledge my son could pay for his own wedding if he wanted more influence on decisions. I get it, but I'm disappointed.

Well, it has been less than 48 hours since the OP posted and started getting all of the advice. Getting all the advice, coming up with a plan, and figuring out how to approach the bride/mother without hurting someone's feelings all take a little bit of time.

Exactly. I'm really listening to everyone's advice. I don't want to do or say the wrong thing. The MIL erupted when we didn't want to host 350 people at the rehearsal dinner. She wanted to have her own rehearsal dinner with just their family in response, and told us to do our own. I'm afraid to cause another blow up.

 

[sam_gordon]

Exactly. I'm really listening to everyone's advice. I don't want to do or say the wrong thing. The MIL erupted when we didn't want to host 350 people at the rehearsal dinner. She wanted to have her own rehearsal dinner with just their family in response, and told us to do our own. I'm afraid to cause another blow up.

Wow. I mean, I get it (sort of), if you're paying for something, yes, you get to decide how it goes. BUT, to cut your invitation list down, try to force you to host 350 people at the rehearsal dinner, and come up with this "dance off", are all signs (to me) about how the rest of your son's life is going to be.

I think you and DH sit down with your son and fiancé and say how disappointed you are that your guest list got cut (don't bring up about the MiL's 100 business friends), and that you're not willing to participate in a "dance off", but you're willing to have a special dance with your son (if you are). But, if the fiancé wants to show off her dance skills, please leave you out of it. You might even say "you might not see it as a competition, but I'm sure there will be other guests who do and I'd rather not be embarrassed." Acknowledge that the bride's parents are paying for the wedding and get the final say, and you'll be there to support them, but wanted to let them know your feelings. If they choose to act on it, so be it. If not, that's fine too.

If it gets to the reception and the DJ says "we're going to have a 'dance off'", then don't go on the dance floor. If questioned, just say you didn't agree to participate and had told them so.