Seating for wedding reception question

[KayMichigan]

I would strongly advise against doing the "dance off". It sounds like nothing but a cruel ploy to embarrass you and your son. You're the mother of the groom, you're not there to provide entertainment.

If the bride wants to show off her dance skills, she and her father can do a special dance, or do the dance off with some of the guests from their side. You shouldn't be forced to do anything you don't want to do.

 

[kymom99]

It's a catch 22. Defer to the person paying means I'm expected to do a dance off. Even the politest response is going to cause a problem because it's interfering with the bride's and the mother's expectation. They clearly want and expect a dance off. I was going to go with the flow because I didn't want to cause any issues, but you've made me reconsider. If the mother is going to be mad at my effort (you're probably right), then I'd rather her be mad instead that I'm not doing it. At least I won't get laughed at by 315 people.



We already know what this means for future grandkids. We were sad about it at first and have come to accept that there's really nothing we can do except try and remain friendly and open to a relationship. Thankfully, we have two other sons who are in serious relationships and we love their families. We get together regularly with their parents and it's really nice.

Yeah to me, I don’t give a crap how much someone is paying, I’m not doing something I’m not comfortable doing. They can have all the frivolity they want, but you are under no obligation to do anything you are opposed to doing. Money doesn’t buy them the right to control anyone.

My brother married and his now wife’s family didn’t have a lot of family so their guest list was small. My family always had huge weddings with all our cousins and family friends and my parents wanted my brother to have the same. So they spoke with the brides parents and told them they would pay for our family guests. The brides parents refused and paid for every single person my brother wanted to invite.

I say this because I find it in very poor taste that these people won’t include your guests yet they expect you to pay for a rehearsal dinner for all their guests.

I’d tell them where to stick their stupid dance.

 

[lifesavacation]

I would strongly advise against doing the "dance off". It sounds like nothing but a cruel ploy to embarrass you and your son. You're the mother of the groom, you're not there to provide entertainment.

If the bride wants to show off her dance skills, she and her father can do a special dance, or do the dance off with some of the guests from their side. You shouldn't be forced to do anything you don't want to do.

To me it feels like the mother is trying to hijack my moment with my son. She can't stand that it won't be about her so she's totally trying to take over our moment. And what better way to do that than make me look foolish. Maybe I have a chip on my shoulder about it. I don't know. It just irritates me.

 

[Genie+]

Who has a rehearsal dinner for 350 guests anyway? Do they need to practice eating? I thought rehearsal dinner was for the bridal/groom party and other important guests like parents, etc. The people involved in the ceremony.

 

[martikus]

Gosh I hope you at least like future DIL. This is crazy.

I guarantee I would NOT be taking dance lessons or agreeing to a dance off. It’s one thing to agree to have guests cut down to 36 but another to expect me to take dance lessons and embarrass myself. Nope,nope nope. I have a son - I feel very confident I would not agree.

 

[AppleDumpling]

I just think viewing the situation as if it's the other family that is causing conflict is in itself causing conflict, if you have to ask "is this the battle I want to fight" you've already engaged in conflict from the getgo

I suppose that’s a different perspective, but from everything we’ve been told here, OP and her DH are not the ones initiating the conflict. They were told to cut their original guest list and they complied. They were asked for input on the seating arrangement and they are considering their options. OP agreed to a dance even though both she and her son are uncomfortable with it. Sounds like she’s graciously going along with all the “demands”of the bride’s parents who are hosting the reception.

Quite frankly, I’m not familiar with anything like this. I’ve never been to a wedding this large nor this lopsided between the two families (although I’m guessing that friends and co-workers of the bride and groom are included in that number as well.)

OP, I think you’re handling this well under the circumstances. As for the dance, I feel you and DS should do your own thing. You are right, it should be a special moment between the two of you, and if you prefer a more traditional mother/son dance or something else, I don’t think anyone should take that away from you.

 

[Boopuff]

I grew up in a large city, Every wedding I attended had place cards. My DH on the other hand, came from podunk nowhere. Weddings are like the running of the bulls to put something down on a plate. At our nephews wedding, all the "good seats" were taken by drunken friends, co-workers etc. The family had seats way, way in the back. SIL actually felt bad that the family wasn't close by (at her next sons wedding she had reserved tables for the family) Best to reserve then at least the couple will see family up close.

 

[lifesavacation]

Who has a rehearsal dinner for 350 guests anyway? Do they need to practice eating? I thought rehearsal dinner was for the bridal/groom party and other important guests like parents, etc. The people involved in the ceremony.

I can only guess as to why they expected this. We are financially comfortable. It would be no problem for us to pay for the wedding and the rehearsal dinner for 350 people. But, we aren't going to spend our money like that. We think large and lavish weddings are foolish. We agreed to give the couple 5K to be spent however they wanted to spend it. I think her mother thought we'd write a blank check for this wedding. That's my best guess. When they found out we were firm at 5K, the mom had a tantrum and then decided 50 people at the rehearsal dinner was fine.

We've also given my son extra money for him to use however he wants. If he doesn't want to kick in for the wedding and is saving it for a house or a rainy day, that's up to him. We're also paying for a good portion of the honeymoon. I'm normally a very generous person. This wedding has me asking myself all the time if I'm doing the right thing.

 

[MillauFr]

May I suggest a tragically unexpected "foot/ankle injury"?

This is the best advice so far in this thread.

 

[Grand Koalafornian]

Am I horrible if I suggest asking your son if he really wants to marry into this family? Because this all seems way over the top to me. I've never attended a wedding with more than 200 guests and I used to be a wedding photographer. Heck, I've only attended one with more than 150 guests. The most lopsided one I saw was about 25/75 groom's guests to bride's guests and that was for a groom that had literally no family, only friends and colleagues. This all just screams "nightmare in-laws" to me and makes me want to run the other way.

This is definitely something I would have broken up with my DW over. Talking to her, she agrees - if I acted like this, she would walk away. It shows where her priorities are and they are not on the relationship but the image being portrayed to everyone else.

 

[leebee]

Definitely ask for 4 tables for your family.
Don't do a "dance off." What the heck is that, anyhow? Is there going to be commentary and hootin'-n-hollerin" while you are trying to share what should be a personal memory between you and your son? Heck to the no! Maybe this Momzilla is like this because nobody EVER stands up to her.

A current trend in weddings is to invite all guests from out of town to the rehearsal dinner as well as a brunch the morning AFTER the wedding. After all, people have traveled So Far; how can they possibly fend for themselves? I think it's CRAZY.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Instead of the dance-off, might the bride and some of her dancer friends want to put on a special dance, just of them? They'd probably be awesome! They could have a lot of fun with it, without humiliating you. A lot of couples put special, non-traditional things in their weddings.

Like a couple others have posted, I'm more concerned about the marriage than the wedding. The bride and her mother seem very "my way or the highway"--this is not a good foundation for a long and happy marriage. They also seem very focused on appearances and spending lavishly--again, fine, if you've got it, but any marriage can hit a financial rough patch.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I suppose that’s a different perspective, but from everything we’ve been told here, OP and her DH are not the ones initiating the conflict

I never said they did, I said they are engaging in conflict. I'm just bouncing off your comment, don't want to start off the marriage with in-laws with conflict then don't actively engage in it.

Like I said do you want to be right? Or not start the marriage off with conflict. Again a direct response to your comment of "Seems to me like a really bad situation, starting off a marriage with in-law conflicts from the get-go." because the solution IMO wouldn't be for the OP to continue the conflict that already exists as that would be quite hypocritical, no? If that makes it a different perspective I guess it makes it a different perspective.

 

[QueenIsabella]

I wanted to add--last summer, we were invited to our niece's wedding. Her dad (DH's only brother) generously invited us to the rehearsal dinner. Unfortunately, he wasn't paying for it--the venue had only a small space, and we were out of budget for the groom's family. Luckily, I had DH double-check, weeks prior to the event. We ended up eating at the same restaurant, and stopping in to give good wishes to the happy couple. No harm, no hurt feelings. But, we're weird like that--you know, considering the groom's family's budget and only wanting the best for the couple.

 

[lifesavacation]

I really do appreciate everyone's input. Good or bad, I know the DIS will give it to me straight.

The reserved tables are the way to go. It's our first wedding for one of our kids and have no knowledge to draw from. And with all the land mines we've encountered, wanted to make sure we think this one through before deciding.

I spend a lot of time in my head about this wedding and my son's future. *big heavy sigh* It worries me a lot.

 

[ronandannette]

It's a catch 22. Defer to the person paying means I'm expected to do a dance off. Even the politest response is going to cause a problem because it's interfering with the bride's and the mother's expectation. They clearly want and expect a dance off. I was going to go with the flow because I didn't want to cause any issues, but you've made me reconsider. If the mother is going to be mad at my effort (you're probably right), then I'd rather her be mad instead that I'm not doing it. At least I won't get laughed at by 315 people.



We already know what this means for future grandkids. We were sad about it at first and have come to accept that there's really nothing we can do except try and remain friendly and open to a relationship. Thankfully, we have two other sons who are in serious relationships and we love their families. We get together regularly with their parents and it's really nice.

Kindly put, you do understand your son is choosing all this, right? Please don't completely villainize either your future DIL or her parents. If possible, have a talk with your son so both of you can share your hearts with one another; both about the wedding and what the future holds. I wish you all well.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Instead of the dance-off, might the bride and some of her dancer friends want to put on a special dance, just of them? They'd probably be awesome! They could have a lot of fun with it, without humiliating you. A lot of couples put special, non-traditional things in their weddings.

Like a couple others have posted, I'm more concerned about the marriage than the wedding. The bride and her mother seem very "my way or the highway"--this is not a good foundation for a long and happy marriage. They also seem very focused on appearances and spending lavishly--again, fine, if you've got it, but any marriage can hit a financial rough patch.

I suspect any financial hitch would be solved by the bride's family..so long as it's not their marriage suffering from a financial rough patch.

But don't we all know these types of families? Ones who have to spend a lot because they think that means something to other people? The ones whose larger than life personalities swallow up anyone else in the room? Whose to say those types of marriages aren't long (because come on we know some of those too that despite all we may think they just keep being married) or happy (because like it or not some people work well like that even if to many of us that's not at all what we'd want).

IDK while I would certainly hope the son feels comfortable to speak up to his soon to be bride and is prepared for what life could be like with his wife's family's personality, I don't know that I would cast it like he's helpless and needs a lifeline to get out (just the vibe of the comments). To mean that's almost disrespectful to the son as if he's incapable of making his own decisions (good or bad).

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

To me it feels like the mother is trying to hijack my moment with my son. She can't stand that it won't be about her so she's totally trying to take over our moment. And what better way to do that than make me look foolish. Maybe I have a chip on my shoulder about it. I don't know. It just irritates me.

I sorta get the sense that after the wedding it would be a battle of the mother-in-laws with the actual wedding couple in the middle of it all. Just don't lose sight that it's your son and her daughter that brought the families together

 

[lifesavacation]

Kindly put, you do understand your son is choosing all this, right? Please don't completely villainize either your future DIL or her parents. If possible, have a talk with your son so both of you can share your hearts with one another; both about the wedding and what the future holds. I wish you all well.

I do understand that. I've heard so many family/friends tell me they are sad for my son and I reply that I'm not sad at all for him. I'm sad for us, yes, but his fiancé and her family aren't hiding who they are as people. He's fully in charge of his choices as a grown adult. If my posts come across as anything other than that, I haven't conveyed how I feel.

 

[ncc1701]

Definitely ask for 4 tables for your family.
Don't do a "dance off." What the heck is that, anyhow? Is there going to be commentary and hootin'-n-hollerin" while you are trying to share what should be a personal memory between you and your son? Heck to the no! Maybe this Momzilla is like this because nobody EVER stands up to her.

A current trend in weddings is to invite all guests from out of town to the rehearsal dinner as well as a brunch the morning AFTER the wedding. After all, people have traveled So Far; how can they possibly fend for themselves? I think it's CRAZY.

We were at a wedding like this last year. Not that anybody other than a handful of people traveled more than 5 hours. We were in the close family group so did except to be invited to the rehearsal dinner but admit we were surprised that everyone was included if able to come.
But there was no dance off nonsense. Just the traditional Bride & Dad dance and Groom & Mom dance