Scorekeepers and Grudge Holders

[phillmolly]

How do you do it???

My DH is a scorekeeper, by that I mean he keeps track of every wrong that has ever be done to him and holds grudges for life! To me it seems so exhausting!! I am the type of person who forgets and forgives, I don't hold things against people and am very quick to get over stuff. I just don't have the energy required to hold on to it.

How do you help someone like that? I know my DH is unhappy and I belive that a big part of that is how he holds on to everything. I have tried to get him to go to counsling but of course he won't. He used to take Prozac but stopped a few years ago on his own. I really wish he would consider medication again, he was more even keel then.

We have been married for almost 18 years, I truly do love him, but it is just exhausting me, he is always moody and mad at something. We do have nice times together and he does love our son. I am just getting tired of the mood swings and I don't know how to help him. Everything I say or do is wrong, I don't know how to approach him and let him know that I think he needs help. I want him to be happy.

 

[okeydokey]

My Dad was like that. He ended a lifelong friendship over a silly matter and never looked back, although over time I think he wishes he had reached out. I would run into his ex-friend from time to time and he was always so sweet to me, I felt just horrible about what my dad had done to him. My Dad died at a pretty young age (62), so they never reconciled.

To me, life is too short to hold a grudge. It hurts you more than the person who you are angry at.

 

[cm8]

How do you do it???

My DH is a scorekeeper, by that I mean he keeps track of every wrong that has ever be done to him and holds grudges for life! To me it seems so exhausting!! I am the type of person who forgets and forgives, I don't hold things against people and am very quick to get over stuff. I just don't have the energy required to hold on to it.

How do you help someone like that? I know my DH is unhappy and I belive that a big part of that is how he holds on to everything. I have tried to get him to go to counsling but of course he won't. He used to take Prozac but stopped a few years ago on his own. I really wish he would consider medication again, he was more even keel then.

We have been married for almost 18 years, I truly do love him, but it is just exhausting me, he is always moody and mad at something. We do have nice times together and he does love our son. I am just getting tired of the mood swings and I don't know how to help him. Everything I say or do is wrong, I don't know how to approach him and let him know that I think he needs help. I want him to be happy.

It is better to let go than to allow the bitterness to eat away at your heart. He may be suffering from low- T or he may be bi-polar. Either way, I hope he gets the help he needs before he loses his family

 

[gator75]

I'am that way i'm not bi polar or anything it just runs in the family. My brother is the same way. I look at it this way some things are hard to get over. For instance this last may my parents took 13 of us to disney my oldest sister got upset with my mom because she asked her to get her teenage son out of bed so that we could go exploring , well she got so mad over a simple request that she punched my mom in the chest and head and yet to this day my sister hasnt apologized and never will. It makes me furious when i look at her. I will never forget or forgive her for doing that to my mom.

And take my word for it my mom won't either my mom will get her revenge after she is gone by leaving my sister out of her will. so i guess my mom also holds grudges.

 

[njmom47]

My dkids keep score...always have, seems they always will. It must be exhausting. I always thought I did my best, who needed what when, and if I could help, I would.

 

[Bonnie40]

I'am that way i'm not bi polar or anything it just runs in the family. My brother is the same way. I look at it this way some things are hard to get over. For instance this last may my parents took 13 of us to disney my oldest sister got upset with my mom because she asked her to get her teenage son out of bed so that we could go exploring , well she got so mad over a simple request that she punched my mom in the chest and head and yet to this day my sister hasnt apologized and never will. It makes me furious when i look at her. I will never forget or forgive her for doing that to my mom.

And take my word for it my mom won't either my mom will get her revenge after she is gone by leaving my sister out of her will. so i guess my mom also holds grudges.

With this post and your other thread about inheritances, it sounds like you have a difficult family dynamic. It's unfortunate that if your parents do follow through with cutting children out - it's unlikely you will ever have a 'normal' relationship with them. As another poster mentioned on your thread though, if I were you, I wouldn't count on the situation staying as it is....parents can/do change their minds and adjust wills regularly. I am always surprised how people 'count' on inheritances.....you never know what's going to happen down the road!

 

[Andtototoo]

How do you do it???

My DH is a scorekeeper, by that I mean he keeps track of every wrong that has ever be done to him and holds grudges for life! To me it seems so exhausting!! I am the type of person who forgets and forgives, I don't hold things against people and am very quick to get over stuff. I just don't have the energy required to hold on to it.

How do you help someone like that? I know my DH is unhappy and I belive that a big part of that is how he holds on to everything. I have tried to get him to go to counsling but of course he won't. He used to take Prozac but stopped a few years ago on his own. I really wish he would consider medication again, he was more even keel then.

We have been married for almost 18 years, I truly do love him, but it is just exhausting me, he is always moody and mad at something. We do have nice times together and he does love our son. I am just getting tired of the mood swings and I don't know how to help him. Everything I say or do is wrong, I don't know how to approach him and let him know that I think he needs help. I want him to be happy.

You can't fix him.

You also cannot help him unless he wants to fix himself. If he wants to fix himself, then you can support him, but you cannot fix him.

What you have the power over is your own choices and your own life.
What you can do is this:
1. Consider if you want to stay with him for the rest of your life and have your son grow up in a household like this where the family life revolves around the father's moods and in which the mother is always wrong. Do you really think it's healthy for you to live in perpetual wrongness? Don't you think you deserve better? What example of family life are you setting for you son? What example of healthy living or dysfunction do you want to provide for him?

2. If you decide you cannot live like that for yourself or your son's sake, consider if you want to give him an ultimatum that he seeks help or you leave. That may shake him up enough for him to realize he does have a good reason to seek help. If he still refuses, then you know where you stand and can make choices in full knowledge.

 

[Guy Incognito]

How do you do it???

I used the android app "Grudge tracker", so I can log everyone who has wronged me, what they did, how long they are to remain on the 'enemies' list, and whether or not to push them to the 'dead to me' list... makes it a lot easier than trying to remember why I'm mad at everyone.

 

[Hoodie]

I don't know how they do it. Personally, I can't remember what I've done, let alone what someone else has.

 

[LuvMickey36]

I try not hold onto things and for most things I don't. The one I struggle with is my ex. I am in therapy, and trying to work thru it, but it is so hard. I teeter from blaming myself for taking the abuse to blaming him. It's just one foot in front of the other and I take it day by day. I can see that I am changing and it is not so hard anymore, but I know I still have a long road. I have noticed that working thru some fears etc and learning to let go (don't sweat the small things)my anxiety and ocd'ish issues are not as bad. I don't have a set goal, but am hopeful that within a year I will have let go of a lot and focus on fixing myself.

 

[LuvMickey36]

I used the android app "Grudge tracker", so I can log everyone who has wronged me, what they did, how long they are to remain on the 'enemies' list, and whether or not to push them to the 'dead to me' list... makes it a lot easier than trying to remember why I'm mad at everyone.

 

[A_Princess'_Daddy]

I used the android app "Grudge tracker", so I can log everyone who has wronged me, what they did, how long they are to remain on the 'enemies' list, and whether or not to push them to the 'dead to me' list... makes it a lot easier than trying to remember why I'm mad at everyone.

Awesome!

Honestly, I don't know how people hold on to grudges. It takes too much effort, in my opinion.

When I am "wronged", and in my life I have suffered VERY few true wrongs, I do one of three things:

1. I ignore it and move on with my life. This is usually for the people I love and care about or the people I could not care about less; the former because I love them and the latter because they are irrelevant to me.

2. I talk to them about it, make my peace, and move on, either having repaired the issue or agreeing to let it go. This is generally done in professional settings, i.e. with colleagues, peers, managers, employees, etc.

3. I destroy the other person. I'm not proud of this, and I do it rarely, but if somebody is a chronically bad person and I cannot make it stop, I have a talent for driving my adversary into the ground and grinding them into dust, and then move forward never thinking about them again. This is almost always done when they are hurting people I love, as if they are doing something to me, I just use approach #1.

 

[Frye7127]

My father in law is like this and to a degree my mother in law. I agree that it is exhausting. My hubby stews about stuff and won't let them go, but he doesn't go so far as to cut people out of his life. It wears me out when my DH can't let something go (usually has to do with $$ and his parents emphasis on $$ is where he gets it from - drives me nuts). I am hoping that he gets back on his medication soon - he was much more even keeled then. Hope he comes around to your way of thinking.

 

[dismom2]

I've always been a very forgiving person, but I have realized over the years that there are some people who treat others very poorly and never change.

After years and years of emotional abuse by somebody, it gets really old. Even if they apologize, if they make no changes to their behavior how can they be sorry?

There comes a point in time where you might still "forgive" that person, but you don't necessarily forget. And you may back away from that relationship or cut it out completely. Sometimes this is necessary for your own peace and happiness.

I never understood the "forget" part of "forgive and forget" anyway. You really can't erase memories; you can choose to not dwell on them, but it's hard to completely forget things that have happened in your life. You can choose to not let those unpleasant memories affect you.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

How do you do it???

I have a spreadsheet.

Although Guy Incognito's joke was much better...

 

[Keli]

I don't let myself hold grudges. I've found grudges are personally painful and non-productive for my life and choose not hang onto every hurt. But it's work, I make myself let things go.

 

[MsDisney23]

This three rem ins me of my sister in law.

 

[Conservative Hippie]

I've always been a very forgiving person, but I have realized over the years that there are some people who treat others very poorly and never change.

After years and years of emotional abuse by somebody, it gets really old. Even if they apologize, if they make no changes to their behavior how can they be sorry?

There comes a point in time where you might still "forgive" that person, but you don't necessarily forget. And you may back away from that relationship or cut it out completely. Sometimes this is necessary for your own peace and happiness.

I never understood the "forget" part of "forgive and forget" anyway. You really can't erase memories; you can choose to not dwell on them, but it's hard to completely forget things that have happened in your life. You can choose to not let those unpleasant memories affect you.

I have a very vivid memory, so I hold on to lots of things, not just when I've been wronged. I do get mad about things that happened 6 months ago, or 5 years ago, but like dismom2 said, it's when a person might apologize (or not) and the bad behavior continues. I know I'm supposed to forgive "7 times 70" but with some people forgiveness is a lot harder. (And it is exhausting.)