School Problem, Need Advice

[Christine]

This is my DS's first year in parochial school. He is in 4th grade. My DD (13) has been in this school for 3 years and I am happy with the school. I was also very happy with the public elementary school that my kids attended. The only reason they were pulled out was because we are zoned for the worst middle school in the county. The parochial school goes up to 8th grade and solves that problem for me.

So far, my son is really enjoying the new school. He has probably made more friends there at this school than the public school and he has gained a lot of confidence. BUT, he has told me of two issues that were NEVER issues in the public school he went to: Bullying and Cheating. I have a conference this Friday and am wondering how to broach this with the teacher or if I should let it go for now.

The first situation is the bullying. My son said that there are two children in the class that are constant bullies to all the other children--not just him, thank goodness. They threaten to take their lunch money or hit them if they don't perform well at a sport. My son seems to be handling it. He just says "whatever" or "Go ahead, then, hit me." And the kids go away. But I can tell it's bugging him. He said "Mom, I never expected to find bullies at a religious school." HA!!!

The next situation is the cheating. And the cheating is being done by his most beloved friend. It seems that if the kids don't do their homework or turn it in on time, the kids get a pink slip. These pink slips are added up and at the end of the month they don't get to participate in the end-of-month movie if they have too many. So, my son gets pink slips. But his friend (and a few others) get around this. When the teacher asks the class to pull out their homework, the kids take it out. She then goes over the answers to the homework before they pass it up. My son passes in his incomplete assignment (blank worksheet) or nothing at all if it was a writing assignment and gets his pink slips. His friends quickly and quietly fill out the homework as the teacher reads off the answers. They don't get pink slips. Or, the teacher will ask who did or did not do their homework. My son speaks up and gets his pink slip. His friend does not. Then the teacher asks for everyone to pass their papers up. At some point the teacher MUST realize that the friend also did not complete the homework because the work is not there, but this kid, at least, never appears to get the pink slip.

So, now my son is contemplating cheating. He has told me this. He has seen it pay off for the other kids and they are watching the movie today, and he is not. I told him that cheating is a serious offense and if they ever get caught, they will be in real serious trouble. Not just a pink slip. That seemed to work, but it won't for long.

Now my issue is how to tactfully bring this up with teacher. Part of me is very critical of her methods. How could she NOT see this? But I don't want to put her on the defensive at all. She has taught there for 21 years so she's no babe in the woods. I also have to be careful that my son is not exaggerating this. And I always hate coming off as a complainer and I resent that sticking up for my kids makes me feel this way.

So, what would be the most tactful, graceful way of handling this?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Your post seems very well thought out and tactful. I would definitely discuss it with her in the manner you did in your post. I would be willing to bet money it won't be the first time she's heard it - which also means she's probably not doing anything about it. Be prepared after your meeting with her to move up the ladder as necessary. I'm sure you're not alone in your concerns. What about the other parents? Have you talked to any of them about it?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I wouldn't bring up the cheating. That is the teachers job to handle that. If she hasn't "caught on" then she is .
Nothing you can do until then.

I guess I would focus on the fact he isn't doing HIS homework!

As far as the bullying THAT needs to be addressed. I don't know how but KUDOS to your DS for standing up to them.

 

[Christine]

Originally posted by Pea-n-Me
Your post seems very well thought out and tactful. I would definitely discuss it with her in the manner you did in your post. I would be willing to bet money it won't be the first time she's heard it - which also means she's probably not doing anything about it. Be prepared after your meeting with her to move up the ladder as necessary. I'm sure you're not alone in your concerns. What about the other parents? Have you talked to any of them about it?

I haven't talked to any other parents as I don't know any of them. Well, I do know one--it is the mother of the cheater. I just can't. Because I work full-time, I rarely, if ever, see any of the other parents. I am just left wondering if this is just one of those things I should let them all work out (like am I overreacting?) or do you all think this is serious?

 

[cruisnfamily]

Originally posted by Christine
BUT, he has told me of two issues that were NEVER issues in the public school he went to: Bullying and Cheating....

My son said that there are two children in the class that are constant bullies to all the other children--not just him, thank goodness. They threaten to take their lunch money or hit them if they don't perform well at a sport.

.... So, my son gets pink slips.

First issue, why is your son not doing his homework? That would be first on my agenda with my son. He needs to do it!

As far as the cheating goes, I would briefly mention it in passing to the teacher but not make a big deal of it. Just let her know that your son has mentioned that some students get around the system but don't name names. Perhaps this will make her more vigilant.

The bullying needs to be mentioned as well. I would name names in this case. This needs to be addressed immediately!

 

[LvsTnk]

Well, the bullying is a major issue and the reason that I pulled my kids out of public school and put them in parochial school. Their was zero tolerence for that at the new school. I would definately address this with the teacher. He is handling that situation very well, be proud of him.

As far as the cheating. Your son would be watching the movie too if he had done his homework. Why his he not doing his homework, could their be another problem?

I would concentrate on one thing at a time and the bullying would be first on my list. I also would not discuss this with the other parents at this time.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I guess I would focus on the fact he isn't doing HIS homework!

Absolutely agree. But I would also be concerned my son was headed for trouble after seeing his friends be rewarded with secondary gains for cheating. Parochial school or not, I would want to teach my son this was the wrong thing to do and if it meant I had to take on the teacher or the school to do so I would.

 

[Christine]

The homework thing....

My son has fairly severe ADHD which causes fairly serious disorganization problems.. On top of that, he got the "homework" teacher for his first year in the new school. Previously, in public school he had 30 minutes of homework 4 nights a week (which I thought was appropriate)--never had a problem there. He has so much homework with this teacher that he cannot cope, but he is improving. At the beginning of the day for the first 20 minutes of class, they are to write the entire day's classwork and homework in their planners. They are to keep their books in the their desks all day. When the bell rings, he has exactly 3 minutes to pull out all of his homework books and put in his backpack. This is a disaster for him. I disagree with this teacher on many things for my son.

1. Why do they have to write their full day's work down in the morning. Why can't they write down each homework assignment immediately following the conclusion of each subject. For example, at the end of the math lesson I think the teacher should say "okay students, now that we have gone over division, go home and do the even numbered problems on page 65." As it stands now, she says NOTHING at the end of the lesson.

2. I think the student should be able to put his math book in his bag when math class is over, not wait until the end of the day. But, it is not permitted.

3. She gives approximately 1.5 hours of homework 5 nights a week. No lie.

So, IF my son brings his books home AND he understands what she has written on the board, his homework is always done. If he does not understand what he wrote down off the board then he sometimes gets confused and brings the wrong book home. Or he sometimes just doesn't bring the book home. I got into the habit of making him bring all his books home. You know, he can't even fit them into his Land's End Backpack. It's ridiculous. But this is what I've signed up for! I know that things will get better with another teacher, so I'm sticking it out. Over the quarter, he got 6 pink slips. Apparently, six is the magic number for not watching the movie. But, that is his punishment and he will accept it. What I don't like him seeing is that cheating is going to work.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Christine. You have a lot on your plate right now...

 

[chris1gill]

I can understand your dilemma's.... we ourselves moved our son into an independant school, and he is also in fourth grade.

First, it appears that your son bringing home the books, or piling them up at the end of the day is problematic.... There's a REALLY simple answer to this one... BUY THE BOOKS, no lie, get the titles of his books & buy them (online) so he has a second set of books at home.... This way he also doesn't have to worry about hurting his back by carrying all these books.

Secondly, the bullying needs to be brought up RIGHT AWAY.... I can never understand why parents let this go one... say something, speak up, or these kids will be nightmares next year!

I know with our son he is a bit disorganized himself, so I typically wind up with him in the evening helping him sort out what is due & then sitting with him while he does it... this way he doesn't feel so alone in the task... I don't do his work mind you, I sit and read or do something different, but I am with him in case he has a question or problem... DS has at least an hour of homework per night and some nights it's closer to 3 hours... he really likes the school though, so he's trying to buckle down & get the work done...

HTH's, changing schools has been a big adjustment for us!

 

[charabby]

I really feel for you. I was going to comment on your ds's completion of his hw as well, but now that you've explained the situation, I see why this is such a quandry. In that case, I would mention that your son has noticed that some kids are getting around the system to clue her in that she needs to be more vigilant. If she doesn't do something to stop this behavior, I would think *all* of the kids are going to eventually figure it out. Heck, her system of collecting and correcting hw is practically encouraging kids to work the system. Definitely mention the bullying, too.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Originally posted by chris1gill
There's a REALLY simple answer to this one... BUY THE BOOKS, no lie, get the titles of his books & buy them (online) so he has a second set of books at home.... This way he also doesn't have to worry about hurting his back by carrying all these books.

You can do this???? I would love to buy my dd's books for High School for home for next year!!!!

 

[tar heel]

Buying the books is a really good idea. I know middle schoolers with ADHD that actually have the provision of an extra set of books to keep as home in their education plans.

 

[Christine]

Wow, buying the books is a great idea, I'll have to check into that, although I would really like him to be able to figure out how to get his stuff home.

Okay, well I guess I've decided that I will DEFINITELY bring up the bullying. One of the bullies is another teacher's son, so it does make me nervous, but I'm not gonna let it go.

As for the cheating, I am just going to tell her that my son has witnessed specific behavior and he is feeling the need to follow suit as his honesty is causing him to miss out on things. I will tell her that this is not what I'm trying to teach my son (how to work the system) and could she be a bit more vigilant with the homework. I think it would be quite easy to walk up and down the aisles and make a quick visual check on the piece of paper in front of them. I just hope I can get it out of my mouth without going into a rant.

 

[LMC]

Do they not make accomodations in the school for children with disabilities (ADHD)? I would check to see if the teacher would be kind enough to write down the daily homework assignments for him. She already knows what these will be as she has her lesson plans made out in advance. Explain his ADHD to her. Does she know he is diagnosed with ADHD? If not, it may be a very simple fix!

My son has multiple ld's and would never be able to write down an assignment off the board (well ok he probably could but it would take about 2 hours!), I can't imagine that the school would not be willing to help in some way. When my DS was in a private school, they made some accomodations for him but he was still required to do all the work that the other kids did (that is termed modification). Ask for some accomodations (helps) but don't count on modifications (assignment adjustments/changes) if it is a private school.

 

[Sleepy]

Go to the teacher and confront only YOUR childs issues. Homework needs to be completed. My son has ADHD and takes medication which only slightly helps. Those years he had 4-5 hours of homework a night, I would sit down and help him finish everything. When he had a class that had no history book, but rather written notes over a projector, the teacher sent home weekly hard copy notes for son to fill in blanks from what he had written in class. Same goes for homework written in agendas. Teacher always took his agenda book and filled in blanks and made corrections. What he sees on the board and what goes on paper is 2 different things. It was a rough 2 years with me working full-time, hubby always out to sea and my son having ballet 1-2 hours a night. We managed though. Also solved the problem by moving to a better school district. Don't allow your son to turn in incomplete assignments. Help him do it if you have to.

Bullying. Nip it in the bud NOW! My son was attacked by 2 classes of students one day in 3rd grade while 3 teachers watched. When son got away, all 3 teachers laughed and told my son to get back over there and play nice. Guess who started it? Yep, his own teacher. Why? Because my son takes ballet. Principle confronted teacher and teacher admitted it. principle said *teacher was embarrassed* and that's it! We had 2 weeks left of school and i told principle if my son was even looked at funny or failed 3rd grade, I was going to superintendent. Should have gone anyway, but I never had experience with this sort of thing before. We switched schools to avoid another incident. New school district was wonderful. Only had one incident and the principle was right on it and never had problems after that. Bad kids are everywhere. It;s how the adults handle it that makes or breaks the environment.

 

[disykat]

I disagree with those that think you shouldn't mention the cheating. I'd mention that since your son has had some difficulty completing his homework (and tell her why) that he admitted to considering cheating because he has seen others get away with it.

IMO if the teacher is ignoring the cheating, there is a strong possibility she doesn't know it is going on. Either way she is missing something and it would not be remiss of a parent to tactfully point it out. It IS affecting your child so it's not like you are just nosing into the business of others. Just avoid names and mention the concerns of YOUR child - and that is that he is considering cheating because he's sees others doing it successfully.

 

[Twigs]

As far as you sons homework issues, before you buy the extra set of books for home, ask the teacher if there is an extra set somewhere in the school that you could be given, you never know. Also in my district here our local library has a complete set of all the books for the grades 3 - 8 at least, that can be used when needed. Also maybe the teacher can work something out for your son due to his ADHD, so that he will bring home exactly what he needs. Maybe she can have a list of the books he needs each day so he can tell what to take without trying to figure it out, and maybe that can develop into a system where he can write somewhere what he needs so that it will help his organizational skills now and in the future. Just some thoughts.

 

[Christine]

Thanks everyone for the helpful suggestions. I did not mean for this to become a discussion about ADHD though. Every year that my son goes to a new grade, we usually have a different set of issues from the ADHD. I usually like to give it some time to settle down, see how he adjusts, and usually by conference time I'm ready to make my requests to the teacher. That time will be on Friday morning. I guess in my original post, I made it sound like the missing homework was "no big deal." We are actually working on this and it's not really a huge problem. he has definitely improved on his own since the first month of school when he was forgetting something every day. My son is always going to struggle if there are lots of papers and books to handle. I think it will be a lifetime struggle. I am going to request that at the end of the day, she give him a little extra time and say to him "Do you have your English book? Your Science book?" etc. She did do that for a week or two and it worked beautifully but she stopped.

As far as needing assignment modifications, he doesn't have a problem there. Despite having ADHD, he tested very well and was in the STAR program in public school. He is excellent in Math and English. Even though he came from four years of public schools he is right on track with everyone in the private school in his class. I want to say to his current teacher "Hey, this kid just went through public school having very little homework and he's every bit as proficient as these kids here?" I'm convinced tons of homework is a waste of time.

I'm definitely going to address the cheating but I'm going to steer clear of trying to talk about "them" and just talk about my child's response to it.